During this month I will highlight various charities and companies supporting baby loss awareness month that have helped me and my family.
There is a local SANDS support group for those that have experienced stillbirth or neonatal death.
They occasionally meet, raise money for the Ysbyty Gwynedd maternity unit and organise a remembrance service for all the lost babies in the hospital chapel on remembrance day.
I forgot to post a picture of our completed garage the other day, so here it is!
It looks so much better than I thought it might. When Caz was describing the plasti-coated corrugated metal sheeting, all I could picture was a warehouse or barn. It isn't like either of them.
It is also quite bright and airy inside. The clear panels in the roof let in a lot of light, even when it is going dusky and the light is quite limited outside.
We are thinking about getting external lights on the garage, maybe a security light too. We just need to work out how to angle it right so it doesn't shine into the road or directly into neighbour's windows!
Today, after work, we went to the latest midwife appointment. I wasn't sure what we'd cover today, but we actually focussed on the birth plan/birth preferences.
That is one of the things I was really anxious to tick off on my list of things to do.
I was quite worried about the birth plan, as I wasn't sure how much choice I might have left to me. I do have some preferences about things but with being a high-risk person I do understand these might not be available to me. I am willing to be flexible but worry I might feel bullied into what they want and what they think is best. That I'll just be a dumb mute in the end and go along with them as you just blindly trust doctors.
But I feel giving birth is quite different. I'm not unwell. I'm doing something very natural and normal. I just need the hospital's assistance, maybe quite a lot of support from them, but still I feel there are ways in which I can shape the birth to be a pleasant enough experience.
A few weeks ago, the midwife did say to 'think about your birth plan' and I did. I sat there researching and reading and studying. I wanted to make the most informed choices for myself while keeping in mind that things might not stay on plan.
She asked what template I used - I found the NHS choices birth plan template and found that really handy to fill in. There were tick boxes for your main thought on each topic - assistance, equipment, birth partner, etc - as well as fields to write any additional comments and thoughts.
Wendy said that she has a favoured template and that this might not be good enough.
So I just started from the top and worked my way through.
Wendy prepared herself to write any additional notes that might be needed, but her page remained blank.
"Very thought through and educated choices".
I'm not sure what she expected, but when I'm asked to think about something it sits at the front of my mind, mulling over until I feel I've considered it inside out and back to front. I'm a thinker. That is my flaw but also apparently a positive trait too!
I just have a few minor amendments to make but it is pretty much complete and I feel quite proud of it!
Caz has read it through and agrees with everything and said he'll support me in advocating for my preferences.
Some key things I noted were:
We have had a previous pregnancy loss so would appreciate if the staff can refer to this baby as either our second baby or rainbow baby. We are already parents so will feel upset if we are told we are first-time parents because our first baby wasn't strong enough to stay.
I also noted that I have a kidney transplanted in my right groin. So there are some physicals I can't have such as the midwife poking around my pelvic bone to see if the baby's head is down and engaged. I might also not be able to go into some positions such as knees to my chest as that might crush my kidney.
Another important thing is I listed my medications and that times that they are taken. She said it might be worth talking to my renal consultant about whether any of these medications can be taken intravenously as often the pain from labour can cause sickness. At worst case scenario, how long do I have to keep my pills down before I'm sick for them to still support my transplant?
Something worth thinking about.
2nd October
Today, my order from Marks & Spencer arrived!
I found out that they are supporting baby loss awareness month by creating a Tshirt and Candle.
The Tshirt is available in ivory or blush; I bought the blush one.
The candle is scented with vanilla orchid, caramel and ylang-ylang. It is quite a warm and comforting/homely smell.
Marks & Spencer is proud to be supporting Baby Loss Awareness Week with this stylish woman’s t-shirt. Speak openly about this important topic with this pure cotton t-shirt that offers a touch of French-chic and a helping hand to this important cause. Sport this woman’s t-shirt with pride this 9th to 15th October.
This product has been designed by M&S colleague Amy Mott to help break the silence and raise awareness of baby loss. M&S will also be donating £15,000 to help support Baby Loss Awareness Week, which runs from 9-15 October.
Janice said that Bliss supported them through those first few months and beyond.
It is lovely to hear a happy outcome and how someone was personally helped by a charity you hear wonderful things about.
I'm really done with work now. I am finding getting up difficult as I'm not particularly sleeping well with struggling to get comfortable, the drive to work is also rubbish. My baby bump is really starting to encroach in the space towards the steering wheel - when I do full lock, my hands skim passed my bump! Well, at least there are only a handful of days remaining now!
3rd October
Day off!
The Lullaby Trust provides emotional support for bereaved families, promotes expert advice on safer baby sleep and raises awareness of sudden infant death.
Working with the NHS, they run a national health-visitor led service for bereaved parents, Care of Next Infant (CONI) programme, which supports families before and after the birth of their new baby.
They are committed to supporting research to understand why so many babies a year die suddenly and unexpectedly in the UK and to find out more about how to prevent these tragic deaths.
Today, I'm taking my last holiday day off. I won't be booking any more annual leave now!
I woke up from a horrible dream. I was bleeding; there was some issue with my baby. That uneasy feeling and thought stayed with me a lot of the day and I felt quite distracted and out of sorts. I feel unreasonably worried about stillbirth. I just can't picture my baby being safe and well. I desperately want her to be, but I also don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to let me guard down. I feel if I do, that is when I'll be kicked back to reality, that everything will come crashing down around me.
It almost feels better to expect for the worst but hope for the best.
I tried to be productive during my time off. It is strange but all my days off lately, I have either been going to the hospital for various things or unwell with a cough/cold/stomach bug. So reminding myself that I'm not unwell but actually off for my own reasons is quite novel.
But I managed to sweep upstairs. Yes, I had to break it down into smaller more manageable chunks. I swept the bathroom, then watched an episode of Reign, swept the landing, watched Reign, swept the ensuite and the stairs and watched Reign.
I got through a lot of Reign today! I'm left with 2 or 3 episodes now before the finale. I know what happens to Mary overall in her life, but I'm really unsure how the series will culminate.
A couple of the episodes today made me quite tearful - when Mary had to banish James from Scotland and then when her advisor David was butchered to death. One of the episodes the other day made me quite sad too when Gideon's daughter passed away. She was such a brave little girl and Elizabeth managed to ease her worries and comfort them both in the run-up to it.
As always, this furry friend was with me while I watched Netflix!
I'm not sure he likes it, he was covering his eyes at one point.
I then popped out for a little bit to go to Lidl in Llangefni.
I wanted to buy some healthy snacks for during labour (including some isotonic drinks to keep my energy up). I got nuts, dried fruit, cereal bars and protein balls.
I also bought treats for my final day at work. I will pop them in the kitchen when I get in and send an email to everyone. I got chocolate brownie bites, mini flapjacks, chocolate cornflake bites, chocolate chip mini muffins, blueberry mini muffins and double chocolate mini muffins.
One final thing I decided to get was a nice bottle of beer for my manager. I know there have been some perceived tensions so I want to leave on a good note with 'no hard feelings'. I got an Iron Maiden Trooper beer and have put it in a wine bottle gift bag for him. I know he is a fan of beer, so hopefully, it ticks the box.
I'm starting to have some mixed feelings about leaving work.
On the one hand, I'm so tired. By 11ish I'm really flagging and again around half 2. I just feel so drained. It is tiring growing a baby. No wonder you need some extra calories in your third trimester. But also, on the other hand, every weekday for the last 12-13 years I've come to work. It is my routine, it is my normal. I've been through good and bad times while I've worked here and although I've felt a little uncertain about my future at times, I will miss coming to work.
In a way, not coming to work feels like a loss of identity and loss of purpose. What am I going to do with my time now? Obviously, when my baby girl arrives it will all make sense and slot into place. But in the interim, I will feel quite lost. Should I stick to a routine? How will I even know what day it is? Will I end up being a hermit? Or will I continue to go out and about, finding cafes and new places to walk even if it is only for a short stint each day?
It's all quite conflicting.
It is date night tonight! Maybe our final one before our baby arrives!
I ended up on our local student union website for Bangor University and saw that they have some cinema showings and that Wednesday is a cinema meal deal!
For £15 you get a 12" Margherita pizza with a choice of additional topping (I had roasted vegetables and Caz had parma ham) as well as a drink (glass of wine, a bottle of beer or soft drink). It also includes your cinema tickets.
We are seeing The Predator. I was totally confused about this and thought they were showing the 1987 classic Predator. I didn't appreciate the significance of 'The'.
According to Wikipedia: The Predator is a 2018 American science fiction action film directed by Shane Black and written by Black and Fred Dekker. It is the fourth instalment in the Predator film series (the sixth counting the two Alien vs. Predator films), following Predator (1987), Predator 2 (1990), and Predators (2010). Black had a supporting role in the original film, while John Davis returns as the producer from the first three instalments.
My review of the night out at Pontio on TripAdvisor:
"My husband and I booked a Wednesday night cinema meal deal for date night. Included were tickets to The Predator, a 12" Margherita pizza and a drink (glass of wine, a bottle of beer or soft drink) - all for only £15 each. We added a topping on the pizza's - my husband had parma ham and I had roasted vegetables. Very yummy!
We then bought snacks and drinks (a large soft drink and popcorn are only £3.50) - bargain!
We booked our tickets in advance but typically I would imagine you can buy at the booking office when you arrive on the day. Some events might be more popular and perhaps sell out quicker than others though.
Just a note that for parking you use the nearby public carparks. One of the closest, Glanrafon Car Park, is free after 6pm.
In the cinema, there were toilets on the approach to the doors to the screen and the elevation of the seats was perfect to enable everyone to see even if a tall person sat in front of them! The seats aren't the most comfortable but I settled into a position. There are little swivel tables from the arms of the chairs, but being heavily pregnant I was too big to make use of them!
All in all, we had a perfect night and look forward to returning and will highly recommend to others. Thank you."
4th October
When I had my miscarriage, the only paperwork I was given was a badly photocopied information sheet about the Miscarriage Association. On there was the link for the website which led me to find online leaflets. These were so useful to me during the early days. To know that it was normal to bleed for so many days, that my next period might be a bit heavier or lighter than usual, that it is normal to feel so overwhelmed and sad. There were leaflets for partners too and how they are allowed to feel sad too and shouldn't feel they are only there to support the woman who has lost their baby.
There are also a couple of Facebook groups hosted by the Miscarriage Association that I've found really helpful.
The Miscarriage Association private group - This is a group where you can go after the loss of your baby. There are other ladies who have been through the same heartbreaking experience as you and can support one another. You can talk about pregnancy announcements and how everyone around you seems to be baking a bun in the oven. You feel less alone.
The Miscarriage Association - Pregnant After Loss private group - This has been a lifeline to me during this pregnancy after loss journey. You can talk to others about how you feel annoyed at other Mum's who complain about their pregnancy symptoms when you are so grateful just to be pregnant. You can talk about your worries and fears that you feel the only possible outcome will be another loss. You feel less mental and realise this is all part of the process and that actually, it is really normal to feel this way.
Today, it would have been my Grandma's birthday.
It is now over 8 years since she, unfortunately, passed away but still she is in my thoughts a lot.
I know she would be proud and so pleased that Caz and I are pregnant and are imminently going to meet our daughter. She would have been so good with her great-granddaughter!
But Happy Birthday Grandma, I hope you can see we are happy and healthy and I also hope that you are surrounded by all your family and friends who went before you. Come to think of it, maybe you are keeping Jesse company, holding them and giving them love until Caz and I can join our baby.
Well, today is my penultimate day at work. A couple people won't be in tomorrow, so it is goodbyes today.
It is odd to think that everyone else will still come here on Monday but I'll have no place to go. It will obviously be a good time to catch up on rest but also to get as prepared for our baby as possible. There are still floors to be swept and hoovered, counters to clean. I need to make our baby girl's cot up - put the bedding in there ready for her. I also need to find enough hangers for all her clothes and sort through them as thinking about the items we have, some might be too small for her already.
I'm sure I'll find things to do, stuff to watch, places to visit. But it will be odd!
I was surprised and dismayed that a couple of people who I work quite closely with and know it is my last day in (during their working week) didn't feel the need or want to say Goodbye to me and wish me all the best. That is life I guess, you find out who has your back and who are essentially just sat on the sidelines waiting for you to fall before kicking you while you are down.
I won't waste any more time on these people then. No point putting effort in when it is wasted. I will be polite and civil but won't go out of my way for them.
We had a takeaway tonight from Wok & Go. I really enjoyed my food (despite it being the spiciest thing I believe I've ever had). Caz really didn't enjoy his though. I don't know if it was too spicy or if he picked something he didn't particularly like in hindsight... I love my noodles though and we don't have them enough in my opinion!
My parents contacted Sands the still birthday and neonatal death charity and they sent out a memory box. Inside was a book of poems to help those grieving, a couple leaflets, a small teddy bear and a blanket. In there I put everything else I had kept of Jesse's. The box is so much nicer than the one I had bought. At least I've got all the things together in a lovely place now.
5th October
They fund research into miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth, and provide pregnancy health information to parents. They believe it is unacceptable that one in four women lose a baby during pregnancy and birth. They want every parent to have the best possible pregnancy outcomes and to take home happy, healthy babies.
Tommy's Facebook page aims to bring you up-to-date advice for you and your baby throughout pregnancy in a friendly and relaxed manner. It can provide a place to share your thoughts on relevant health topics and your experiences.
There is also a support group for Tommy's on Facebook - a safe destination for the baby loss community!
Through their clinics, research centres, pregnancy information service and support line run by the team of Tommy's midwives, they are here to support parents and families who lose a baby, experience premature birth and to help everyone have a safe and healthy pregnancy.
I am finding Tommy's such a help and reassuring resource during my pregnancy. They do lots of information sheets and videos and even have midwives onhand to talk to or offer advice should you need it.
Oh wow! It is my last day in work now!
I really do have such mixed feelings about leaving. I feel a loss of identity, loss of routine, feel like I won't know what day it is and I will lose my purpose.
My lovely colleagues surprised me!
I was just sat there, minding my own business working away and then I noticed Christine approaching me with a white box. It turns out that it was a massive two-tier cake!
There was also a massive card signed by most of the people in the office!
Plus a lovely bunch of flowers!
Bye guys! Until next year...!
6th October
My parents visited later in the day and helped by hoovering while they were here. They stayed for tea and some cake - always appreciated!
I'm feeling quite low now as I'm just feeling like such a bloater! My limbs feel puffy and so I took my blood pressure on my little portable machine but it looked fine so I'm hoping it isn't pre-eclampsia or anything more serious or sinsiter.
I can't even explain how awful heartburn during pregnancy is. I can't wait until my body is my own again!
Aching Arms brings comfort after pregnancy and baby loss.
Aching Arms is a baby loss charity run by a group of bereaved mothers who have experienced the pain and emptiness of leaving the hospital without their baby.
Our aim is to raise awareness of the impact of pregnancy and baby loss and bring some comfort to bereaved parents and their families after the loss of a baby.
We provide Aching Arms bears to hospitals for midwives to give out. We also reach out to bereaved families who contact us via our website, email, Facebook or Twitter and post dedicated bears directly.
Aching Arms helped us when we lost Jesse. I contacted them and they sent us out an Aching Arms Bear.
He was dedicated in memory of the family of Jack Paul Radbourne-Willson. He sits pride of place on our mantlepiece alongside other items we have collected in memory of Jesse. He really brings comfort to me. I hold him when I'm sad and think of Jesse and Jack Paul. He helps you realise you aren't alone and that another family out there is going through the same as you.
I've since dedicated a couple bears to Jesse at Aching Arms - https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/charity-web/charity/displayCharityCampaignPage.action?campaignId=2908&charityId=1012307
This is actually what I want for my upcoming birthday on the 24th of this month. For people who would have bought me something to dedicate bears to Jesse on Aching Arms. The more bears there are out there, the more families that can feel comforted and not so alone.
Some of Caz's family dropped by for a little while. His Mum, Hugh and Nain visited. Caz's Nain hadn't seen me in quite a while and thought my bump had really grown and possibly even dropped a little?! Maybe it is the beginning of the end now and this little baby is preparing to enter the world!
There is some great significance about today - it is a year since we first met Walter, our cat.
We went to the RSPCA rescue centre to look for kittens or cats. The workers / volunteers there showed us a couple cats they thought might be suitable. One called Solomon and the other I can't remember his name now. The first was quite aloof and only interested in his surroundings and the other seemed quite nice but a little fiesty.
Then we just carried on looking around the shelter and there was this cat looking at us.
When we first saw him he had his little tongue out in a blep!
This cat's name was Sylvester, he was a 'stray' picked up from a town area. He had a dental injury and so one of his fang teeth had to be removed and they thought he was around 5-6 years old.
So we asked if he might be suitable for our brief - good with kids. We knew we wanted a family and so we wanted to know that whichever cat we got would be okay with our future child/children.
They weren't sure but then a rescue inspector came through and said he was really soft and gentle. So we got him out and met him. He rolled over and let us tickle his tummy! He was perfect. A day later we reserved him, a few days later I visited him again to remind him that we were still there and hadn't forgotten him and by a week later he was home with us!
We haven't looked back since!
