Bad Dreams

Last night, I woke up in a cold sweat.
I had been having really bad, action-packed and nail-biting dreams lately.

I was at work and then I had to coordinate a raft race.
On the way to the raft race, there was a brass band march through the town.
There was a strong feeling that I had to go on the run. I don't know what from or why. But I knew I had to escape and evade some hidden enemy.
I found some refugees and they took me in, but first I had to stay in a coal bunker. There were spiders in there and it was dark. I felt trapped and terrified. Eventually, I was let out and was allowed to stay in a safe house.
Within a short time, I was organising people to put together some portable cabins which would become a new office block I think.
I then realised I needed the bathroom and so went to one of these newly put together units. I found out I was bleeding; I was having a miscarriage. All I could say was "not again".

It is a horrible thing to dream about, nevermind to go through in real life. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I woke up feeling really shaken and not really knowing what to think.

I really hope that next time things will go better.

Between 15 and 20% of women go through a miscarriage. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a loss. I know at least 2 couples who are currently pregnant and part of your mind now wonders if either of them will be touched by the heartless finger of loss.

How do you go through a pregnancy after loss?
I imagine you will be holding your breath literally until you reach that 'safe' stage of 12 weeks.
You might feel super stressed until you see your baby on that screen when you have an ultrasound scan and get to hear that flutter of your baby's heartbeat. That is a really good sign and can show your baby is strong and things will most likely work out really well.
But maybe you will analyse every little twinge under a microscope and look at your symptoms each day and wonder if they are worsening or lessening and query what that means.

I found some "permissions" on Pinterest that might be of some help to face pregnancy after loss.
http://drnoellemccown.com/2017/03/10-permissions-for-pregnancy-after-loss/

Therapy Pet

They say stroking a cat can help your health.
It slows your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure and can reduce stress.

In the month's following our miscarriage, we knew we needed something in our lives for all the pent-up love to be outpoured into.

We considered a dog, but we both work full time and so wouldn't have been able to give it the quality time it deserved.
We thought for weeks and decided to visit our local RSPCA shelter and look at cats.

First, we met Quince.
He was a youngish cat, quite sociable but still quite independent.

He seemed lovely but was a little too frisky for us.
We knew we wanted to try again for a family and so the cat would have to be suitable to be around children. We thought Quince might lash out, even if just playfully, at an eager child.

Then we met Solomon.
He was quite elusive, hence no photo.
Showing no interest in people at all he just explored his surroundings. He might be a good cat for us but I also wanted a pet I could stroke a little.

Then we saw this feline staring back at us.

He looked jealous of us petting the other cats and stared until we went up to his glass pod.

The first moment we saw him, he had a bit of a derp on with his little tongue poking out.

He was called Sylvester.

The RSPCA thought he was around 6 years old and he didn't have much history at all. All they knew was that he came in with a dental injury - one of his fang teeth has been taken out.

When he was brought out of the pod, he immediately came up to us. He started rubbing against my handbag and then rolled over to have his tummy tickled - surprisingly without digging his claws in!

We really liked him!

We didn't want to make a decision straight away about whether he was the right cat for us, so we slept on it. 

I went back on my lunch break a couple days later to visit him.

He was so cuddly and seemed to look up lovingly at me!

I really struggled to leave him.

He wasn't happy about it either and when it was time for me to go and I popped him back in his pod he wouldn't look at me.

We called up and reserved him. We knew we couldn't live without him.

On Friday an inspector came out to assess us and our home and gave the go-ahead for us to pick him up the following day.

A week after first meeting him, we were able to bring him home.

He HATED the journey back.

We'd read that it is good to slowly introduce a pet to your home and so we set up the utility room with everything he needed - bed, water, food and litter tray.

We let him out of his carrier into the utility room and he somehow managed to squeeze himself under the smallest gap in a cupboard to hide for the next few hours.

We took it in turns going in and sitting quietly in the room. 

I found 'relaxing music for cats' on youtube to play for him, has a Feliway plugin that is meant to help calm nervous cats and we just read books, news articles or magazine snippets to him softly so he could get used to us.

After a little while, he came out from under the cupboard, sniffed Caz and quickly climbed on his lap and gave him cuddles.

We renamed him Walter - after Walter White in Breaking Bad but also because he has a 'W' mark on his forehead.

I feel Walter was picked for us by Jesse or some higher being. 

He has been such a wonderful addition to our family; he really makes us smile each day.

When we get up in the morning he meows loudly for his breakfast. 

He doesn't particularly like going outdoors as it is apparently too cold or too wet for his tastes. 

When we arrive back from work he runs to the door and greets us meowing and wanting cuddles. 

We have bought him many toys but he loves the free bouncy ball we got in a cracker. It is his most favourite thing in the world. He plays with that ball for ages every single day. Batting it around the house or occasionally carrying it in his mouth. He loves that ball!

He also loves his catnip fish toy!

He meows at us loudly on the weekends until we light the log burner for him to settle down in front of to fall asleep.

He loves nap time too! We sometimes go for a sleep on the sofa or bed on a weekend after tiring activities and he loves to join us and snuggle on to of us too!

Walter is just brilliant and is totally part of the family. 

We can't even remember how life was before we had him. It really changes the atmosphere in the house and you've always got a little buddy to tell all your life worries to.

I'd definitely recommend going to your local rescue centre / pet shelter and considering giving one of the animals a second chance at life.

It will truly change your life.

This gets a derp of approval from Walter himself.

Jesse's due date

The 28th of February is a big and scary even for us, it is what would have been Jesse's due date.
Dreading it doesn't even cover how I felt.
I wondered if my body might still be preparing to give birth as I've been feeling sensations in my uterus and such. But mostly, I just feel hollow and empty.

I had been mulling over since October about what to do, how to mark the date. We had talked together and felt that the date Jesse entered the world (15th August) was more important to us. The due date was an estimate anyway. Jesse might have been early or late.
But I still wanted to do something.
One thought I had was to get a memorial tattoo. But what to have?
The first idea was an infinity symbol with 2 hearts incorporated and a butterfly flying away.
Something a little like this...

I'd been in touch with a great tattoo artist from our nearby town, and she had some good ideas and suggestions.
She felt that I should get something quite unique to capture Jesse. She got the feeling that I was quite a calm and peaceful person and thought focussing on the butterfly might be more me. A mandala style butterfly tying in the baby loss charity ribbon. Perhaps something like this...

I wasn't overly convinced. I showed people at work and they thought it was lovely. But there was something holding me back from wanting to commit to it 100%.

Then I had a bit of a spark of an idea and thought why not have half mandala style butterfly and then have the second wing as a crescent moon with a star hanging from the tip?
The symbolism was "whisper I love you to a butterfly and it will fly your message to heaven" and a moon and star because my parents named a star in Jesse's honour.
I felt right. I was certain this was the right design.

The day before I went to get my tattoo done I was so overwhelmed with sadness and grief. I had to take the day off sick from work just so I could sob my heart out and try and get myself back on a more even keel again. It is funny how you just can't control how you feel. Sometimes I believe your body just needs to release. And so I did just that.

On Tuesday the 27th, in time for Jesse's due date, I went to get my tattoo!
Tattooing video
And here it is, in its full glory on my left forearm:

I am so pleased I got it.
I felt such a sense of peace afterwards like I have done the right thing and Jesse is pleased and will be forever etched on my arm - wearing my heart on my sleeve from now on.

On the actual due date, Caz and I had the day off.
We just stayed close, were reflective about life and managed to go out for coffee and cake at a local cafe. We didn't achieve much, but we did what we felt was right at the time. Something simple and thoughtful, keeping Jesse to the front of our minds.

Bittersweet Mother's Day

Mother's Day is almost here.

I had been dealing really quite well in my opinion in the build up to it. I had been avoiding the season aisle in the shops where all the Mother's Day items were and hadn't gone to card shops.

But then I saw the following 2 posts on facebook which brought it all back.

Zoe Clark-Coates - Founder & CEO of the Mariposa Trust (Saying Goodbye):

"So so many of you asked when the Shadow pictures would be on sale in the Mariposa Store to raise money for the charity...Well, that time is now. Head over and take a look....could there be a more beautiful mothers day gift? (Be warned they may be a long delay in getting the finished picture, so order fast to be at the head of the queue.)"

https://mariposastore.org/products/shadow-picture

Angel Wings is a page supporting all families who have suffered the heartache of losing a baby or child: https://www.facebook.com/mumsangelbabys/ & Amy's Wings is in memory of Amy who's heart stopped beating to soon. All proceeds will go towards raising money for Cuddle Cots and Angel Wings: https://www.facebook.com/mumsangelbabys/

Knowing I was still a Mum and would be missing out on love, gifts and cards was difficult. Knowing I'm even missing out on the acknowledgement of being known as a Mum is super hard. 

I will leave this post with the following images. The sum it up a lot more coherently than I ever could.

Milestones

Although life is getting a little brighter and our demeanour a little happier, there are certain events that come around that leave you feeling broken and back at square one again.

My birthday was the first of these milestones.
I was an emotional wreck.
I felt like I was getting a year further away from my Jesse and that this time was creating more distance between us.
In the end, I believe that the anticipation of the event was actually worse than it was. I had a lovely birthday. Caz gifted me a heart necklace with an infinity symbol wrapped around it. We also went out for tapas and it was a really nice and relaxed event. Yes, there were tears but we are strongly bonded and I don't think anything can break that.

Christmas was another big hurdle.
Everyone is super happy and we felt we had to have that smiling mask plastered on our face the whole time.
We had a little more sedate Christmas than previous years, we wanted to mainly keep to ourselves and keep gatherings to a bare minimum. We just didn't feel ready or able to cope with anything more.
One heartbreaking thing I realised, is that Jesse was soon forgotten by everyone else - even some members of the family. Out of the tens of cards, we received only 2 mentioned Jesse. I felt so upset and angered by this. You wouldn't omit someone's child or spouse from a card and even if they had lost a loved one during the year a simple "thinking of you at this time" would have been all we needed. But wishing us a brilliant Christmas just cut us deep and a happy New Year when we don't know what the future holds and each day is further away from our baby.
But here is our little family - Caz, Me, Walter our rescue cat (who I believe soothed our souls and saved us at just the right time) and a J in the background to represent Jesse.

At Christmas, there was also a family announcement. Caz's cousin is expecting their second child.
We are happy for them, really we are. They have an 8-year-old little boy who is cute and funny and I understand they have long wanted a sibling for him. It is their miracle baby. But I felt my body physically respond. It was like a punch to the uterus! The realisation of what we don't have.

Our friends and family have a good feeling for us in the coming year. I hope they are right and that 2018 will be our year.