The honest account of the long journey of trying to conceive a baby, having a heartbreaking miscarriage ending in an Angel Baby and subsequent attempt at trying for a Rainbow Baby.
Updated weekly.
Well, I feel minging but not awful with this cold. So into work I go.
Dinner tonight was Dominos because why not!
I installed a new game on Steam tonight - The Stanley Parable. It was really quite funny!
You are Stanley and you work a desk job and do exactly as the monitor of your computer tells you to do. What to press, when to have a break. Then one day, you realise you haven't had any instructions for ages. So you venture out of your office. No one else is around.
You can roam the corridors and you can attempt to escape, but can you?!
I literally think there was a different outcome on the tens of times I attempted the game! The narrator gets increasingly more frustrated with you and more ponderous with each further escape attempt.
Surreal but really good!
We watched a show about Brexit with an interview with the PM.
Interesting, frustrating.
Learnt: To keep cracking on. I only have a few more days left, I might as well try and keep going until the end.
Feel: Despite feeling grim, but better than yesterday, I still went to work. Normally, I might have made excuses not to go.
Proud: That I can power through when needed, especially knowing I'm not putting myself at risk as I have a day off tomorrow to catch up on rest.
18th September
I feel like shite.
So drained, cough, sore throat, joints ache, diarrhoea.
I had another blood test this morning so I'm not holding out hope at it being much good with my body definitely currently fighting something off.
The screen in the waiting room was broken.
Afterwards, I went to The Range and bought more crafty things - lots of beads and card supplies to keep me going for a while and for a really good price!
There has been a drive-thru Starbucks at a local garage on the dual carriageway for a month or so now but for some reason, I haven't yet been.
Pumpkin spice latte it is!
I watched some episodes of Reign before I needed to be at my next stop.
Today is my follow-up psychology appointment.
I'm feeling a lot more balanced lately. Nothing is overwhelming, nothing is getting me down and stopping me from moving forward.
I basically just brought up about Caz and his health and how that is quite concerning but there is obviously no point worrying about it now as we don't have a proper diagnosis yet.
I also said about epidural and giving birth. Birth is a completely natural and normal process for women. But as it needs to be done in the hospital, I'm associating it with being really unwell. The epidural is scaring me too. To lose control of your legs and need a catheter really take me back to my transplant operation.
I was confined in bed for about 48 hours after that op and needed a catheter, a morphine drip, a blood transfusion, a port in my neck for doing treatment, a drain to make sure there was no fluid building up around the surgery. It brings it all back and is a bit scary. Mind over matter though no doubt. I've been through worse so I can do this.
I met Caz at the Llangefni hospital and we went to our first antenatal class!
There were about 10 couples there in all.
This time it was about signs of labour, tens machine, birthing balls, keeping active in labour and the various positions you can take up to give birth as well as suitable snacks for keeping you going during labour.
Next week it will be more about breastfeeding, nappies and caring for the baby. I might actually feel like I will learn something next time. I had read up all about labour and the birth so knew what they would cover.
I couldn't manage my dinner in the evening. I am just feeling so achy and miserable.
Literally, after I left the antenatal class I felt awful. Tomorrow is my maternity leaving lunch and I don't want to miss it! Hopefully with a lot of rest tonight I should be able to go in tomorrow.
Learnt: My mental health seems to be improving and I'm able to locate similar experiences that I've been through before that help me get over hurdles now.
Feel: Pleased and reassured that I'm much more level-headed, especially with others. If I can't control it I let it go and don't waste my energy on it with worry.
Proud: That I know that although I might encounter difficulties that I'm able to find an inner strength to continue.
19th September
I made it in!
I feel a lot better just full of sniffles and coughs. At least the achiness has passed.
I spotted a rainbow form my desk, maybe a good sign?!
Lunch was really nice. I was taken there by Christine along with Jo and Donna.
It was so windy!
The building looks lovely, it is pretty much right by the sea so a beautiful setting with views of the mountains.
When I walked in there was a long table booked for our crowd and two helium balloons! One was massive pick balloon saying "It's a girl" and the other a smaller blue "sorry you are leaving" balloon. It was quite a surprise!
The waiting staff were really pleasant and friendly and our food came pretty quickly as we had preordered.
I went for Fish and Chips. The chips were hand-cut, triple cooked chips and were really lovely! I don't usually like chunky chips but these were the nicest I'd had.
Others went for paninis, other mains and even quesadillas. Quite a lot of choice!
It was a nice relaxed lunch but as I was relying on a lift it did drag on to an hour and a half in the end. I will come in early tomorrow to make up for it.
Learnt: That people do actually care about me.
Feel: Surprised that people are fond of me and want the best for me.
Proud: That my leaving lunch wasn't just me and the immediate girls but a whole variety of people! It is nice to leave knowing people think highly of me.
20th September
I came in for 07:30 this morning. That felt difficult as I'm feeling really tired and starting to feel more poorly now.
I had a catch up with Rob and that went well.
He says he is pleased for me and that I've come this far with my baby.
I talked about my objectives from this year and how they were set when I was still working for the operations team but now I'm seconded to the BP project. In his mind, he feels I've achieved 100% of my objectives despite this.
Also, he said he thought highly of me returning to work after the miscarriage and then carrying on with my new pregnancy but still tackling issues head-on. I'm a tough cookie you see. I don't give up easily. I won't be defeated. He mentioned how I'm still a very conscientious member of staff and help out where I can when no one else is around or where there are gaps in the knowledge and I never seem to just switch off from my old role. I forward emails that come directly to me, I check things have been followed up, I come up with new suggestions.
I guess it is ingrained in me now really!
I mentioned my worry that there isn't a role to return to. That Dave came in as a replacement for me and Patricia has also stepped in to fill the gaps.
But Rob said he would be over the moon if I decided to return and come back to my old position.
I'm not sure that will happen. I want to see how life feels first before I make any decisions, but it is good to know my options.
Other options include part-time working, reducing responsibilities or remaining on secondment to Tom's team. Time will tell.
Learnt: That I'm still an appreciated member of the team.
Feel: Verified in what I do and the fact that I care about my quality of work.
Proud: That I still have it in me to work at a higher level with more responsibilities, should I choose to.
21st September
Good Lord, I feel a mess. I'm taking today off.
But I've seen this so can't all be bad.
Caz has managed to swap days off with his colleague as he is feeling the cold creeping in too. He is making me go to the GP today as it is coming up to the weekend and it'd be better to be seen now than before I start to get really quite ill.
We saw Dr Catrin. I do but don't like her. She is very matter of fact which in some circumstances can seem heartless. But this is just a cold so I'm sure she can handle it.
She listened to my chest, checked my throat and it doesn't seem like it is a chest injection yet and not flu.
But she has prescribed me some antibiotics, just in case. I've been told to take them if I get worse or am bringing up lots of mucus.
I'm not a doctor so how do I know when I reach that point? It seems a bit stupid really to prescribe something but not be able to hand it to you and leave the decision in your hands.
I took the prescription around to the pharmacy. But they couldn't dispense it as it was a 'deferred' prescription so I can only put it in after a certain date. Stupid Dr.
The people who are building the garage should have turned up this afternoon.
Later on, Caz had a phone call from one of them.
They were on route from Newcastle on Tyne and had to pull over as the one took ill. It got to the point where this lad needed an ambulance and got taken to Lancaster Hospital.
It turns out he has an ulcer and needs to stay in the hospital for an operation.
So the driver had to go back home, pick up another lad and come down to us! What an eventful journey!
Can't fault them for that though. They did what was needed in the situation.
As I'm going to achieve exactly zero things in the next few days with this cold/virus, I will leave off the learnt/feel/proud section for now, until I can start to feel I've actually done something again.
22nd September
The builders arrived!
I think I might be feeling a little brighter in myself.
I did a few little bits of craft - I made a card for my parent's anniversary that is coming up on the 29th of September, I wrapped Elin's birthday present and I created little snowman pompoms. They should look really cute, especially once I've had a chance to stick on some eyes and buttons!
23rd September
I don't feel any better today.
My sleep is going downhill. I find when I'm lying down that the mucus settles and it ends up wheezing and rattling causing a coughing fit.
I had to end up sleeping propped upright on pillows. That is so uncomfortable - to sleep upright. My bum hurts from the pressure put on it and my neck aches from my head lilting off to one side!
I decided, for the first time in ages, to do a bit of cross-stitch.
The first kit I picked up from my supplies smelt bad. It was donated to me from a colleague at work. But her family smokes. The thread, the Aida, it all smells of smoke. I don't know if I can wash them or just put Fabreeze on them to make them smell better. But it was just making me feel sick and I knew the smell would seep into my fingers and never go away.
So I dug out the next kit I had - a Christmas one.
Little did I know how complicated it would be.
Walter is a good little craft buddy!
Along with a small amount of actual cross-stitch, there were backstitches and French Knots (I'd done these before so just needed to remind myself how to go about it) but also 'lazy daisy' and fractional stitches.
Lazy daisy looks quite effective. You essentially create a loop and tether it down with a little stitch. It makes wonderful petals and leaves.
The fractional ones take a little bit more to get my head around. The can be quarter, half or three-quarter stitches. So you end up having to push the needle through parts which aren't holes in the fabric. It is like you are going against the grain and forcing it to happen.
I do get why they exist, it does make it look nicer when you come to outline rather than having overhanging stitches, it all seems a little neater.
I think, despite being 3-inches by 3-inches, that it will take a little longer to complete than I originally thought!
I received a phone call while I was at work. It was the secretary to my renal consultant - Dr Alejmi.
She was just trying to squeeze me in to see the consultant on Wednesday as I haven't seen him in weeks now. His clinic is full but he will have a quick chat and catch up with me in the renal department instead of the outpatients' clinic.
It is good to feel important and worthy of being shoehorned in. At least I don't get forgotten or overlooked that way!
I know it is like 15 weeks away from Christmas but it will be here before we know it! I bought a Christmas magazine! In there are recipes, ideas on how to plan Christmas to keep it stress-free and also a whole bunch of craft ideas from simple to slightly more complex.
It was a good inspiration and I might try and make a Christmas bunting with padded sewn stars. That would combine two of the craft ideas - one which showed you how to make padded fabric sewn stars as table names or gift tags and a felt bunting idea.
Today is one of my cousin's birthday - Cecile. I haven't seen her in years now but family is family and I wished her a happy birthday if only via Facebook. I also noted that in lieu of presents, she was raising money for a charity of her choice - Save the Children.
"For my birthday this year, I'm asking for donations to Save the Children UK. I've chosen this non-profit because their mission means a lot to me, and I hope that you'll consider contributing as a way of celebrating with me. Every little bit will help me reach my goal."
In total, she managed to raise a respectable £30. I'm proud to say I did help contribute towards that. It might be an expensive time for me with preparing for a baby but a charity close to someone's heart is a charity worth donating to.
I've taken to reading on my lunch breaks. It is a nice bit of escapism. I'm continuing to read through Hunger Games and am easily digesting a chapter in my break. I am really enjoying it so far.
I found myself knowing a lot of detail about the characters, important to me, but I found myself picturing Katniss as myself?! Perhaps it is the bit of therapy I need to realise I am brave and strong because of what I've been through in life. Not as I had been thinking that I'm weak for having brought on these events. I'm strong.
A few days ago, it popped up on my 'memories' a photo of myself from a year ago.
It was from when I met up with a work friend, Patricia at James Pringle Weavers' for coffee, cake and a catchup. This was 3-weeks after my miscarriage.
I'd washed, dressed and put on a smile to meet her and although it was difficult and I felt anxiety from being away from my comfort zone of home, I did enjoy meeting up and talking openly about how I was feeling.
My first thought on seeing the photo pop-up - how brave it was to get up and show up when I was still in pain. The bleeding hadn't long stopped from my miscarriage and I was hurting emotionally. But when people reach out to you, you know you have a friend for life there and so you go to them. You take comfort in them and accept their support.
I am always defensively proud and hate to let my barriers down and dignity go. So please know that if someone in pain doesn't reach out to you, touch base with them. Maybe they are waiting for someone to ask them how they are, how they really are. They don't want to trouble others or be a burden, but in reality, they desperately need someone to even just be with them not even to say a word but just be.
When I got home a book was waiting in my mailbox - "Your No Guilt Pregnancy Plan: A revolutionary guide to pregnancy, birth and the weeks that follow".
I will move on to that once I've finished "The Food of Love: Your Formula for Successful Breastfeeding". On first glance, it sounds a very down to earth guide and looks like it will help me just relax into motherhood rather than having too high expectations of myself.
It's just over a week now until my maternity leaving lunch at work. At first, I was a bit hesitant about. I thought there might be 4 of us in total - me and the immediate people I work with on my pod of desks. But I think it sounds like it might be a little more popular than that...!
I had mentioned the other day about dabbling in the idea of setting up my own homemade craft business.
I have debated about using Jesse's name in the company name somewhere or perhaps adding in this baby's name and have it as something I do for my babies. But I also have a bit of a fun side, not everyone sees or realises this! So I am also looking into names that are puns or a play on themes around what I will be creating. It gives some food for thought!
I recently signed up to a 'pregnancy summit' with key speakers about all things pregnancy on a variety of topics. It started this week but I've realised I'm possibly at saturation level for information now and it feels a bit much to try and take on-board anymore. So much you hear about pregnancy is just 'wing it' and that you'll learn as you go!
It is Elin's birthday coming up in 15 days time. I sent Caz some ideas about what I think she might like so he is having a look at them.
I also offered to make something for her, but he said with it being so close to the baby he doesn't want to put on any extra pressures on me. But she's my sister-in-law! I know she'd do anything for me and I want to do the same for her. But maybe another year...
Learnt: That despite not being fully back to health, I am able to push that aside due to love to help Caz
Feel: Reassured that when I'm feeling tired and drained with a newborn that I'll be able to push through it.
Proud: That my love for Caz is strong. We've gone through good and bad times but we always just group together and help one another through the difficult patches. That is a real relationship.
11th September
This morning didn't feel productive at all. I was working happily away and then all the systems went on a go slow. They were timing out and just generally being a nuisance!
I'm really enjoying reading on my lunch break now. I used to do this a lot but I stopped for whatever reason. I guess I started to eat in the canteen and ended up sitting with others. But since my miscarriage, I haven't done that. I feel it is probably too awkward or difficult for others. I know people sometimes struggle to talk to me, finding the right words or not knowing what to say. So I just figured maybe it was easier to remove myself and make the situation easier for everyone else.
I just tend to drive to the beach carpark now, read or watch something on YouTube or even do a meditation or have a nap before going back to work again.
I sometimes eat on my lunch too but mostly I eat when I get back. I've had a break, that is the important thing.
I heard from Caz as he phoned his private consultant to chase up wherein the process everything was.
We had been told that he would be having his scan in the next 3 weeks. But after talking to the secretary, she said that the consultant is quite 'out of touch' and the waiting time is more like 12 weeks. I feel annoyed so I figure Caz will be feeling mightily frustrated over this development. You think you are almost at the next hurdle, but then it is moved further away from you.
Recently, we have been trying out some different veggie foodstuffs. There is a company called Vivera and they do a selection of vegetarian 'meat'.
In recent weeks we have gone through a lot of their products - pulled pork, steak, burgers and the final one we wanted to try was some kebab style meat.
I wanted to recreate the style of kebab we had when we were in Berlin - the kebab capital!
I bought a bloomer loaf of bread that was flavoured with 3-cheese, some salad, halloumi and also aioli dip to put in the bread.
It may not have been perfect or exactly as the Berlin kebabs but I think it probably is as close as you can get! I enjoyed it anyway! I probably overdid the food as even Caz had to give up eating it as he was so full!
I've been ploughing through that breastfeeding book I bought - Food of Love. It is definitely helping to normalise the process. I have to admit I don't think I've ever even been in the company of someone breastfeeding before, never mind even knowing anyone that has done it. It is taking away some of the fear and mystery of it. I definitely want to at least give it my best shot.
We've also bought and are giving a baby video monitor a test run! The camera is watching Walter sleep in the utility room!
Learnt: That sometimes you need to just eat what you fancy.
Feel: Satisfied with what I rammed into my tummy!
Proud: That I didn't care as much about the calorie count and just wanted to eat my feast!
12th September
Almost immediately on waking this morning, I had an epic nosebleed. It went everywhere. My hands, legs, the bed, the carpet. I was fumbling around trying to get a tissue out of the box when it just literally poured everywhere.
What surprised me was how I reacted. I was super scared. But not for my health/life but because of what possible reactions Caz could have to me bleeding everywhere. I felt awful. I was worried he would be annoyed. I started to have a panic attack and hyperventilate while I was trying to stem the blood flow. Both lasted for a good few minutes.
Caz wasn't annoyed. He just wanted to help me. He got the Fabreeze stain remover and blotted it on the bed and carpet and surprisingly it came out just fine. He wanted to help me clean up my hands and legs but I felt ashamed and just wanted to cry.
I think this sort of reaction stems back from me expecting how my parents might have reacted. If I knocked over, for example, a cup of tea accidentally it wasn't "don't worry, it was just an accident, lets clean this up" but I would get really shouted at and feel petrified.
It made me think, I want to be gentle with my child. I want her to never be scared of me. I want her to respect me and realise I do know best and know what is good for her. I want to, when it is needed, to convey my disappointment. Surely, disappointing someone you respect encourages someone to develop and try not to repeat this again.
But I'd never make her feel scared to hold her hands up and say it was an accident.
Later in the morning, I went for my blood test appointment which Caz and I swiftly followed with coffee and cake in the Dunelm cafe! Rewards for good behaviour!
We had our 32 weeks ultrasound scan and baby girl is looking wonderful!
She is head down and hiding her face so no seeing her now I think. She is probably going to remain illusive now until we get to actually meet her! They estimated she was about 3lb 12oz - a good weight for the stage we are at.
At the obstetric appointment, we saw a different consultant - Dr Majeed. I think Dr Clark is off now for an ovarian cyst operation. Dr Majeed was really quite sweet and was making sure I'm resting enough.
We then made our way through to the renal department and met up with Dr Alejmi and Rebecca. All seems to be going okay thankfully!
When we got back home, we ate something quick and then went up for a nap. This morning really took it out of us!
Learnt: It's okay to achieve nothing or at least allow yourself to rest and recover
Feel: More at ease without putting all these additional pressures on myself
Proud: I'm able to say no to tasks and chores and just do what my body and mind needs
13th September
It is crazy how quickly time is flying by now and that in less than a week's time it is my 'maternity leaving lunch'. 1 week to go after that and then I'll be going off on my maternity leave!
I've found out there are lots coming to the lunch and I'm really grateful and pleased they want to celebrate my little occasion (that feels like a massive milestone). I'm surprised but pleased at my body at being able to grow a baby this far. I had really given up all hope in my body after the miscarriage last year. I just thought my body was too stupid and didn't know what to do. But so far, so good.
I popped to Aldi after work as I'd seen some of their special buys and I really wanted to make sure I got some!
I bought some fat quarters to get me inspired in more sewing craft and then also bought baking ingredients so I could make the latest bake-off specials!
In the post, I received a certificate and letter for the money we raised and donated to SANDS the stillbirth and neonatal death charity.
I feel really proud at what we've been able to do. It wasn't much, but it all helps in some way.
Learnt: Blogging is good to clear the mind but also very draining
Feel: When my thoughts go down on paper they aren't left spinning through my mind
Proud: I was able to focus and get through difficult queries from 'Saying Goodbye' book and on to my blog. Those tasks are done now and I can forget about them. It is all a process I have to go through to heal. I won't be completely mended but I'll be a new me.
That reminds me of: "Kintsugi, also known as Kintsukuroi, is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-e technique. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise."
14th September
I've found out that last night my manager put his name down for my leaving lunch. He'd left it to the last minute but I think he felt pressured into going as lots of people were going apart from my manager.
Turns out that this morning he has pulled his booking and won't be coming.
I feel really saddened that my manager won't be there. We haven't really seen eye to eye the whole time but I've worked for him for 2-3 years now and thought things had improved. Obviously not.
I know, looking back, all my former managers would have gone and they might have even paid for my meal!
But not with my current one, unfortunately.
I think it didn't bode well when we both applied for the supervisor role and he pipped me to the post. I was quite relieved, eventually, and glad I didn't have all the additional responsibilities at that time in my life. Good in hindsight that I wasn't successful either as I had to take a fair chunk of time out of work in the last 12 months and so it just wouldn't have worked. But I think Rob felt that maybe I would resent him for beating me to it. I also think perhaps he was worried if he made any mistakes that I was sat there ready to take control. That was never the case though. Maybe initially, but after big life events happen your priorities change.
Shame, but what is done is done.
I started to tempt fate and looked up Pandora charms as a potential gift to my baby for when she is old enough. It is something I can add to on special occasions and when we give it to her, it can truly be quite special!
We got a letter in the post, finally, about Caz's CT scan!
It is tomorrow in the evening!
To idly pass the time in the evening, we watched one of the practices from F1.
Learnt: To know how to pick my battles.
Feel: Disappointed that my manager won't go to my leaving do but I also don't care enough to fight for him to be there. It'll be a waste of energy. Everyone I like and care about is going and those people are the ones worth investing time and energy with.
Proud: That I can't be bothered to be petty. I'm just going to continue to be polite. I've never had issues with any management before but he's made it his mission to make my life difficult. I've never had any malice or hatred towards him, misunderstandings maybe and not liking change perhaps as my previous managers were wonderful!
15th September
I woke up with a bit of a sore throat this morning... I'm tackling it with hot lemon and honey drinks.
Today is my Dad's birthday!
We met up at The Holland Arms garden centre. My Mum and Dad had afternoon tea together and Caz and I chose a cream tea. The funny thing is that they didn't have any scones left so we had to pick a slice of cake instead for our cream tea. Not really cream tea without some cream now, is it!
Dad seemed to like the Kindle case that I made and gifted him! I did print out a true to size Kindle and stick it to some card so he got the gist of what it was, just in case!
Caz had his scan. We went to the x-ray department and found our way to the relevant reception - there is a reception for CT scans and another for MRIs.
I settled down in the waiting room, got my book out and was only a few pages along when Caz came back. I thought he was bringing me his wallet or phone to keep hold of. But no, he was finished!
They did say it could take anything from 5 to 45 minutes depending on what needed to be scanned.
He said it was quite uncomfortable. He had to lie flat on the slab, with his arms stretched up above his head and push his belly out as far as he could. That definitely set off his pains again. But at least it should hopefully show up his hernia, if that is what it is, on the scan.
The report should be with the consultant within 10-14 days. So Caz will start chasing if he doesn't hear anything by then.
Learnt: How to be brave for others.
Feel: I'm scared about Caz's scan and what diagnosis it might be. I'm hopeful that it is a hernia but there's always this nagging 'what it'. He's my rock, my support, my strength and the brains! I'm used to being the sick one, not to him being unwell. I don't like the tables being turned but I'm here for him. I'll help in every practical way and listen to what is on his mind.
Proud: I can put my worries behind me and focus on what's important - my Husband.
16th September
How has my sore throat already developed into a cough?! It feels like it is settling on my chest already, especially when I lie down.
We went on a tour of the labour ward today in the hospital.
Everyone met at 3pm by the lifts on the 1st floor of the maternity building. A midwife came out and gathered us to take us around the antenatal ward first. She said when you phone up and then come in with labour pains that you'll be assessed in the midwife section of the labour ward before being either sent home or put in the antenatal ward to progress enough before coming back through to where you will give birth.
There are a couple midwife run rooms where if you have no issues you can give birth in here. These literally look like hotel rooms. They were lovely.
The labour rooms were a little more clinical but still bright and vibrant. The bed may be in the middle of the room but you are encouraged to not stay on it the whole time.
Once you have given birth you are back through to the antenatal ward with your baby until you are ready to go home.
I was quite impressed with how it all seems. There is a theatre within the labour ward so should any issues crop up, they can just wheel you down the corridor.
There was also an SCBU but for any more serious problems with the baby, you would be transferred to another hospital with more specialised care.
I also liked how they encouraged active births, to use the bed as little as possible, that they as a standard procedure do delay cord clamping. Literally, everything I wanted to talk to my midwife about for the birthplace they already seem to do!
There are also two water birth rooms but we were unable to see them as they were in use.
Seeing this has reassured us both. Caz now knows where to park to drop me off and where I need to go and I know that it isn't quite as daunting as I expected.
The only thing that troubled me is that it is right by the Ffrancon ward where I went to be assessed after my miscarriage and also again this time when I had bleeding early on in this pregnancy.
It seems strangely cruel to put a gynaecological ward right by the birthing suites. I didn't notice or realise it at the time, but to go in pregnant, have a miscarriage and then leave seeing all these pregnant women and happy babies just seems horrible. It made me tear up just seeing it again.
When we got home, we watched the Singapore GP.
I had a few grumpy moments with Caz over my Mum. She can be a bit overbearing. But when I start to complain and get frustrated with something Caz always assumes I'm mad at him...
I get super frustrated when my Mum says she 'understands' and 'sympathises' with how I'm feeling worried about this baby after last time.
To me understand is to have been through something too. Sympathise is to have past experience of similar or the same.
Empathise is a possible thing my Mum could feel, but she never gets it. It's the terminology she picks and it really annoys me.
I sent her these quotes to try and explain it:
She still doesn't get why I'm annoyed despite sending these.
Learnt: Knowledge is power.
Feel: More informed and calmer about going to the hospital to give birth.
Proud: I wasn't too overwhelmed, especially when I clocked Ffrancon ward... 😢
Do Things Now
Putting things off isn't often the best option. Perhaps in certain circumstances - you aren't in the best frame of mind or literally just run out of time, then fair enough. But usually, it is so much better to get the things on your to-do list completed today. I always think if I put something off to tomorrow, then future tomorrow will hate past me. I should have just done it there and then and not delay. You feel accomplishment for actually completing the task and you lessen extra burdens on yourself as you aren't carrying a task over to the following day.
Take the time to do something you feel you need to do
Some days I need to cry, others I want to bury my feelings and carry on. Often I love to be on my own, but occasionally I need to be surrounded by people who love me and allow me to be myself. Grief is full of swings and roundabouts, ups and downs. You never really know what is going to face you on any given day, you just know you have to embrace it and do what you have to do to help yourself.
We had a midwife appointment today. I wasn't really looking forward to it. I have been feeling a bit misled and frustrated with all the extra appointments and being treated like I'm a difficult patient when in fact I'm just a complicated one and one that they don't necessarily understand my health conditions.
But I wanted to try my best to put everything out of my mind; All of my misconceptions and grudges had to just disappear like effervescent clouds.
Approaching the appointment like this was the best way.
I got there before Caz and messaged him when I went into the consultation room so he could find me when he arrived.
She asked me how I was doing mentally and I told her about the bank holiday weekend where I cried so much I wasn't even sure how my eyes hadn't fallen out of my head.
She is going to chase up the referral to the mental health midwife team so hopefully, they can see me sooner rather than later.
Caz then arrived and we listened to our baby girl's heartbeat and had the fundal height measured. I also had my blood pressure and urine sample tested. Everything was spot on and no gripes whatsoever.
We've started watching Vanity Fair on ITV.
I saw an advert for it on YouTube or somewhere and I thought it might be interesting. I hadn't heard much about Vanity Fair, who wrote it or anything! But it was a period drama so I thought it might be up my street.
It was definitely interesting...
I totally disliked the super soft focus in the camera work. I actually had to look away at one point as it was hurting my eyes and even asked Caz if I was going blind or if it was just the effect on the TV!
I know it is intentional, but Becky Shape is a wholly dislikable, opinionated and rude character. I really want her to fall on her arse and experience some real struggles in life just to shake her up a bit and make her appreciate life a little more. But I can see that she is the 'heroine'. Perhaps, she is the bolshy woman we need to use as a role model to find our voice and stand up for what we believe in? I wait with baited breath to see how she develops.
Learnt: That if I swallow my pride, sometimes situations become easier.
Feel: Surprised the midwife appointment went okay. I tried to go in with an open mind and that made it a lot easier.
Proud: That I got through things politely that I'd been worrying about. It can be so easy to become defensive when you are scared, but it is often better received if you can push that to one side and be nice.
4th September
Simplify
Less is more, people often say that. A cluttered house might show you have achieved by showing off your wealth and material items but is it a rich life? Is it actually the little things that are more important. The beautiful clouds in the sky, the homemade gift from someone that actually shows they care.
The same can be said for what you take on in life as well as your possessions. I always had a hard time saying no. I would say "Yes, I can do that and kept taking things on, especially at work, until I was so laden that I could hardly move. I struggled to complete all the tasks needed as I had taken too much on. A difficult, but essential, skill to learn is to delegate tasks if at all possible. I struggled with this initially. I would worry it would make me look bad like I failed or was incompetent. But actually, it helps other people learn and it gives you that extra breathing space and freedom to do something more important.
Look at your behaviour and things you have been doing
There are times I have a completely irrational hatred for people. It could simply be that they are happy and I think how can they be so happy when I'm at the other end of the spectrum. How is it fair that I went through a miscarriage yet here is someone announcing their pregnancy. It can feel like salt in the wounds, a kick in the teeth or being kicked while you are already down.
I can sometimes notice that I'm reacting in a way that isn't normal. That I should be happy that someone else has good news or is feeling great and just hang on to the hope that this will be me too one day. But it is a hard feeling to shake.
But I remind myself that it is normal to have such a range of reactions and feelings to external factors. I have been through a lot and need to be gentle with myself in order to brush myself off, stand up again and find my path in life. Things are different and won't ever be the same again but this is my new normal and something that I need to learn to live with.
It was a Chinese takeaway kind of night.
I had crab and sweetcorn soup and then 'vegetarian chicken' in lemon sauce and Caz had a chop suey roll and pork in satay sauce. We shared an egg fried rice between us.
The last time I ate this meal I literally slumped in a major energy dip. I don't know if there were tonnes of sugar or MSG in it, but I just felt my body drain! This time I had no such problems. The only issue was trying not to eat it all and save some for leftovers the next day!
It's Bake off night!
Tonight, they are doing cakes. Cakes are probably one of my baking staples. It is what I create when I want to bake something.
They made traybake cakes to start with, then moved on to a technical challenge set by Prue of making a Le Gateau Vert and they finished with their chocolate collared showstoppers.
It seems quite cruel that chocolate has been featured so much already in the series, especially as this was filmed during the heatwave we experience the other month. Everything was wilting, not setting and not retaining structure.
I've been inspired to make a traybake. The GBBO social media channels released a lemon drizzle tray bake recipe. So I might just give that a go. I love lemon drizzle myself so hopefully, it will go down well.
I didn't have the time or energy tonight to whip up something, but maybe later in the week.
Learnt: I allow myself to feel phantom pain. Unusually in the run-up to appointments like my renal clinic.
Feel: The psychological side can affect the physiological side so easily.
Proud: That I've realised this probably isn't pain but just me worrying about my health decreasing (unnecessarily).
5th September
Play
Sometimes you need to just let your hair down. You need to laugh, muck around or be silly. Even just allowing yourself a little downtime to read or watch something you love counts.
I guess for me my hobby of sewing or jewellery making is my me time. I get to experiment, learn and use trial and error to improve my knowledge and find new skills and techniques.
I also occasionally love to just laugh at something a bit sarcastic or crude. It depends on my mood at the time!
Try to accept it is okay to feel bad when you see something that hurts you and realise that this in no way makes you a bad person; it just makes you human
Much like what I said yesterday, I could feel envy, jealousy and frustration at seeing other pregnant ladies or babies and young children.
It is reassuring to hear that these reactions are entirely normal following grief.
On Sunday, my cousin Rachel lost her partner to a long-term illness. The last few weeks had been a difficult struggle by the sound of it.
Previously, Paul had felt a lot better and happier when they were abroad in the warmer climes. But unfortunately, he took very ill and ended up in hospital. It reached a point where it was clear that the only option was to have an emergency repatriation so he could be in his local hospital with the consultants who knew his condition.
Things were looking really dire, but then he seemed to rally around only to pass on Sunday.
I've seen and heard that before about people who are dying. It is almost a process for the family watching and waiting. That they seem to be free of pain and having an amazing day, full of energy and zest before dying the next day. I don't know if it is natures way of trying to help people remember someone as they were before they got sick or is it is just the body's realisation that this is it and they shouldn't struggle any more.
I wanted Rachel to know Caz and I are thinking of her following Paul's death and so I crafted a greetings card for her and created a beaded angel.
I created a batch of these last Christmas. I felt it brought such peace to me to create these little colourful guardian angels. I hoped that gifting one might bring her the same emotions. I made it blue as Paul had blue eyes. I hope it is well received.
I had a renal clinic appointment squeezed in today. My consultant, Dr Alejmi has been away on holiday and so hasn't seen me for 5-6 weeks now. The clinic was going to be in the renal department rather than the outpatients' bit as I was an extra pencilled into the calendar outside of the normal clinic times as the diary was fully booked. Well, turns out that Dr Alejmi was unable to return home from holiday? So, in the end, I saw Rebecca, the transplant nurse and she was quite happy with how I'm doing. She checked my recent blood test results, my blood pressure and tested my urine. All looked great.
I told her some of the issues I've been experiencing - I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome in my left arm. It doesn't always hurt, it doesn't hurt at night like it is meant to, but I have a sore area on my forearm and occasional shooting pains that travel up my thumb and sometimes get numbness in my index and middle fingers. I get twinges in this when I reach or grasp items. She said we'll have to follow that up after
A few days ago, I decided on what to get/make my Dad for his upcoming birthday on the 15th of this month.
I thought about buying tickets to the British Super Bikes at Oulton Park but as he is still going through troubles with his broken wrist (broken in April!) my Mum and I thought that wouldn't be appropriate. So I considered making him something, perhaps sewing him an item.
A couple years back, I bought my Dad a Kindle. Why not make something to go with the Kindle?!
I cut out the fabric a few days ago and have just built up the courage to get cracking and give it a go!
It needed interfacing to stiffen the fabric, ruffles to finish off the design and a ribbon, button loop and button! I hadn't really worked with any of these things before but I thought why not learn.
For the ruffle, in particular, I had to watch a YouTube video to understand what was going on. Even then, I felt quite lost and uncertain.
What is a basting stitch? Turns out it is just any long stitch on your machine - just remember not to back sew the beginning and end. I did that then realised I was essentially locking the thread in. So unpicked it and began that step again. You then pull two threads to gather the fabric. It felt completely rigid and unmoving, but then I was able to slide the fabric along the stitch if I held the two top ends like tooth floss, wrapped around my fingers tightly. It then began to gather really nicely!
Next, I got really stuck on a particular point where you slip the right way around outer into the inside out inner lining fabric. It didn't make sense to me. It sounded like it would permanently seal up the case, never to be open again.
I messaged my Mother-in-Law, but she couldn't make much more sense of it and said just to go through all the layers as it seems to say.
It didn't feel right. So I pinned the case open and sewed one side and then the other. You then pulled the 'outer' through the small gap in the bottom of the inner lining and it all worked out perfectly!
Well, I say perfectly... I managed to sew the button loop INSIDE the lining! I had to unpick a small gap, pull it through and sew it up again! n00b!
But it was complete and I'm proud! My next worry is that Dad might not initially get what it is! Maybe I can print a Kindle out and glue it to some cardboard?!
I then realised the time and had to quickly stuff 3 pairs of shoes in 3 packages to post off following eBay sales. I printed out the address labels but thought it'd be quicker and easier to get the postage sorted at the post office this time.
I was meeting my parents for coffee and cake at James Pringles Weavers store and cafe. I was running late after sorting out the eBay packages! So I text my Mum but was only about 7 minutes late in the end. Not too bad and at least I let them know!
We went to the cafe first and I had a hot chocolate and slice of Victoria Sponge while my parents had tea and shortbread biscuits.
We had a short stroll around the store and my Dad bought two new shirts but I didn't buy anything on this occasion. I've got plenty of stuff for our baby girl, I don't particularly need anything and although lots of the homewares were beautiful and Welsh food things lovely, I resisted and left empty-handed.
The eBay packages were sent off easily and I was able to update the items as 'dispatched'. That's the end of my selling stint, for now!
Learnt: Ruffles in sewing, something that I can maybe add to other future sewing projects.
Feel: I'm learning quickly and hopefully developing my skills and knowledge base.
Proud: That I've achieved a professional (if a tiny bit wonky) kindle pouch in a relatively short time.
I thought I'd finish with a picture of the butterfly Caz and I bought for Jesse's birthday. It was really catching the sun nicely in the early afternoon.
6th September
Be kind to yourself
There are times I know I just have to focus on self-care. I have to be gentle to myself and give myself allowances.
Before my loss, I would have berated myself, told myself to pull yourself together or something else typically unhelpful. Now, I realise the importance of being kind. I wouldn't treat Caz or anyone else that way if they weren't feeling on top form, so why should I be so mean to myself.
Now, when I start to feel low, I will read, listen to music, have a bath, have a treat. I will do something I love and something tried and tested that often helps to try and make myself start to pick up. Even if I don't improve I shouldn't give up. Just allowing myself to rest and just be really helps. Difficult times pass. It isn't necessarily the same with grief, I understand that now having gone a year down this path. It lessens or perhaps you become stronger, but it is always still there. There will be periods where I might be fine for ages and then it will hit me out of nowhere and I'll feel appalling again. You never know when it will attack you, but you just have to be gentle and ride it out as best you can.
Write a letter to the baby you lost
To be fair, I have written a fair few notes and letters to Jesse over the year.
In the process of sorting through my things at work, I discovered one such letter. I didn't completely finish the letter, but it achieves what I needed and got a lot of my thoughts and feelings out and onto the paper.
"To my Jesse,
I knew I wanted a family and really wanted a baby but what I hadn't anticipated and realised how much I specifically wanted you.
When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so nervously excited.
I realised I'm still relatively young at heart and am massively inadequately experienced with babies. It's like I can barely look after myself nevermind someone who is trusting and reliant on me. But I know I would find out how to look after you. No doubt you would help me and show me what you needed. We would have made it work, we would have developed a bond and almost a telepathic sense.
I don't know if you were a boy or girl, not that it would matter. I'd strive to give you all the opportunities you deserved and help you to excel in whatever your heart could dream up.
Now that you are gone, I feel empty. I feel like a part of me died that day along with you.
I never anticipated how difficult this journey and subsequent life without you would be. You were my mini-me and my hopes and dreams.
I am really struggling with carrying on with my life now. I want to be with you but ultimately I know I need to carry on and be even stronger for you.
You didn't get a chance at life and so now I want you to experience it through me.
I want to apologise. I feel so guilty that you died. I know in my heart it wasn't my fault but with having no answers to pin the blame on I pin it to myself.
I feel bad that I don't say 'morning' or 'night' to you. I feel like I should talk to you, but I just don't know how."
When I got home, I baked that lemon drizzle traybake!
It was quite a quick and easy mixture - butter, caster sugar, self-raising flour, baking powder, 4 eggs, a bit of milk and zest of 3 lemons.
Once baked, you drizzled over a mixture of granulated sugar mixed with the juice of 3 lemons. Then you decorated it with 12 slices of candied lemon that you made by bringing to the boil water and caster sugar.
I was a little disappointed the candied lemon wasn't quite as crunchy or zesty as I'd hoped and the drizzle didn't go crispy but stayed really moist. I might tweak the ingredients or methods in the future if I create this again. But it didn't seem to matter, it looked great!
Caz has been watching abandoned structures and this time it was roads. It is weirdly interesting and captivating to watch. I particularly love one of the interviewees, Rob Bell's, enthusiasm and endless fascination for everything about structures. He could make the most boring of topics seems amazing and you'd want to listen and learn...!
I'm finally on to the last chapter of The Girl's guide to hunting and fishing... I've not particularly warmed to it or the characters and am glad I'm almost done with this book.
Learnt: How to make a candied lemon.
Feel: Candied citrus fruits might be another string to my bow. I could maybe attempt to make marmalade or other bakes in the future!
Proud: The cake looks and smells amazing.
I discovered a perfect 'Love Heart' to put on the mantlepiece for Jesse - 'My Angel'.
7th September
Conserve your energy
So many things can help improve your energy - a healthy diet, exercising, getting enough sleep, worrying less, meditating, expecting less.
I often set such high goals for myself that I never actually achieve and feel a failure. I put too much pressure on myself and am so tough on myself.
After I completed my MBSR course (mindfulness-based stress reduction) I continued to practise meditation daily, or even several times a day for, a few months afterwards. But then life became a bit much with being pregnant. I tried to do everything and it became overwhelming. Something had to give and unfortunately, it was the mindfulness. I know it is something that could have helped me and keep me balanced throughout this pregnancy after loss journey, but I didn't see that at the time. It is something I can pick up again now, at any point, but I'm just so drained. Making excuses doesn't help either! I just need to work out the bare essentials for life and ensure I do those to keep myself sane!
Try to accept you are not alone and that people do understand the pain you are experiencing
There are people out there in this life that do actually understand. It isn't necessarily my friends or family as I don't actually know many people who have walked this path in life previously. The place I feel accepted and validated are some online groups on Facebook.
I could talk openly about exactly how I was feeling, tell them about the emotions I'd experienced that day, share poems or songs or just quietly know that I'm not alone because these people also exist and also went through what I'm going through. I am never alone, I just have to look towards the places I never expected to find solace - in pretty anonymous social media situations!
I was woken up by my tummy just giving up the will to live. I had pain all around my abdomen and I really feared the worst. Turns out I just have picked up a stomach bug or something. I've not been sick but I don't feel great. Just drained and fed up!
With feeling a bit under the weather, I had to have a nap at lunchtime. I feel a bit of a plonker sat snoozing in my car, but what choice do I have?! I am exhausted and need to rest wherever and whenever I can.
The lemon drizzle tray bake is amazing. I liked it anyway! I took most of it into work and a few people tried it and thought it was nice. One even took a second slice and another took a slice home for his wife!
I've been debating on what the future will hold for me. I will be a bit short of cash during maternity leave. Plus, we have been thinking that it might be best that I work part-time initially to be around to care for my baby. That will leave me quite empty in the purse sector... So I have been idly thinking about what I could do to top up my income.
I enjoy doing craft. I have a lot of supplies and enthusiasm to experiment using trial and error to create new designs. I love creating jewellery and have been enjoying some of the sewing I've done so far. I also love doing cross-stitch and find it all very therapeutic.
Perhaps I could sell my wares and make a bit extra on the side as a hobbyist seller?
It made me think about how you go about it officially and properly.
I would need a business name. I feel something to do with Jesse or my future baby girl's name might be a great place to start. To pick something I love and want to give my all to make it work, for them.
I've been searching and have found a few online jewellery courses and also courses in creating a social presence and starting up a business. These are definitely things I'll look more into.
I don't plan on just leaping into it. I want to just carry on experimenting and making new things as a hobby initially. Perhaps, once my baby girl is 6-months old I will look into getting advice from Career Wales or other resources. In about a year's time, I would register my business and get it properly started.
I want to do this properly!
Learnt: Found a jewellery business starter course. It is something I am idly thinking about for the future and to give it my best consideration, I want to know how to do it properly and give it my best, educated shot not just a stab in the dark and hope for the best.
Feel: A sense of determination about potentially setting up a business in the future. I'm hoping to learn a few more techniques and refine my skills in the process too.
Proud: That I'm considering options for the future. Returning to work is a possibility but if I'm able to work from home, doing what I love, earn enough to top up the bills and maybe get in some of life's little luxuries and always being available for my baby then that would be ideal.
Walter sitting with his favourite person!
With the kids starting school or going back to school there will be empty seats in the classroom for those that never got the chance to have their first day.
Here is a little message to the Mum's and Dad's that are affected by this but are never remembered.
8th September
Face the unresolved
There are always battles or trials in life. Some are difficult and others are easy. Some solutions are obvious and others take time to consider, for you to take a step back and a deep breath before you can fulfil them.
There are also some issues you can never resolve. These issues are outside of your control and you need to accept them and move on. There is nothing you can do about these.
Be in the moment
The 'Saying Goodbye' book recommends reminding yourself how strong you are and reassure yourself that you can and will cope with all you are enduring.
It can feel relentless and neverending when you are going through the darkest times, but there are glimmers of hope. There are good times, good days and even these turn in to batches of good weeks. I survived the sheer painful and dramatic physical side of miscarriage. Of course, I am strong. My body recovered, quite quickly from what I remember. I recall saying to Caz I could almost feel my belly shrinking back and probably with a month I was 'normal' again with no external signs to show what I had gone through. That is strength.
I often remind myself of my resilience. I have gone through cancer, through health problems at various stages in my life and yet I'm still standing. I can cope with anything. I might not realise it at the time, but I often come out the other side still smiling, just about.
I'm definitely not feeling 100% still. Hopefully, after a day of rest, it will improve.
It was definitely a day where you say sod it and have a maple latte and slice of cake.
I decided to have a go at sewing some Christmas ornaments.
The first was a bit wonky and then when I tried to do the second, the tension went funny. I unpicked the seam and tried again. Still the same - the spool was literally jumping in the casing and the lower stitches were looping and not taut. I ended up having to walk away from the machine as I knew I would get a bit cross and frustrated.
About 2 hours later, I decided to approach the machine more logically. I wouldn't set about trying to sew any more decorations just yet, but I wanted to sort out the machine.
I found the instructions for my particular machine online and set about dismantling it! First I removed the needle gubbins and then the footplate that covers all the workings beneath the needle. I took out the spool holder and could not see any problems. I thought maybe some lint had built up underneath there or bits of thread, but it was completely clear. I gave it a few blows to dislodge anything I couldn't see and then put it together again. I grabbed two offcuts of fabric and stitched them together. They came out perfectly. So I've 'fixed' my sewing machine! Seemingly just taking it apart and putting it together again helped somehow!
I have finally finished reading The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing. Rubbish book.
Here is my review:
"This book came with high acclaim and good reviews. Maybe that upped my expectations but I came away feeling quite disappointed and unsatisfied.
The writing felt very immature - a throwback to how I used to quote when I was in primary school; he said "this" and she said "that".
There were very little descriptors about the settings and characters; everything felt flat and definitely not technicolour.
I had kept an open mind when I was reading the first section, the character was young, so perhaps she'd develop and the writing style would advance with it. No such luck.
I didn't warm to the characters at all and find I was grateful I finished the book. Like a rubbish film, you have to get to the end just to make sure what you imagined actually happened.
The comparisons to Bridget Jones' Diary are to high a praise for this book. I thought, especially with the title, that she might be on a voyage to independence and develop into a strong woman but actually, it was very sexist and I felt quite frustrated by the outdated and misogynistic views of women. Disappointing read and I'd not recommend. Try it if you want, but that's my pennies worth..."
Learnt: How to dismantle my sewing machine
Feel: A bit more savvy about what is what and how to make small fine adjustments to the machine
Proud: That I stepped away from the machine before I became too frustrated but came back to it and seemingly fixed it.
Walter sleeping on my Caz!
9th September
Add adventure
This isn't just adrenaline-fueled hobbies as I initially thought or travelling the globe but to try something new, something a little different to your normal.
I like to think I do this quite often. I try to bake something new, I'll cook a new cuisine or recipe, I try my hand at a sewing project that requires a new skill, I make jewellery that uses different techniques or I read a book by an author I've never heard of or a genre I wouldn't normally try. That is all adventure.
You might have comfort zones and try and limit how often you step out of that to try something new but your worrying usually isn't fulfilled and you actually enjoy yourself.
Go onto the Saying Goodbye facebook page and read stores from other people
It is true that you can't understand baby loss unless you experience it. People can empathise but can't sympathise as they haven't walked that path. They can't understand as they haven't felt the sheer weight of the grief that holds you down each day. They can't appreciate how difficult it can be to just get out of bed in the morning and nevermind achieve anything that day! It is such a relief to realise you aren't going mad and that there are others out there who feel as lost and as heavy as you do. You aren't alone.
I'm feeling a lot better but I've decided to remain on a diet of simple foods and plenty of fluids to make sure I'm fully fighting fit again.
I sorted out our bookshelf. We've accumulated quite a collection of books over a wide variety of genres.
I had them sorted mostly by category/genre, but that meant some shelves had barely any books on and others were bursting. It wasn't the best way to sort our books.
So I thought I'd give a go at sorting them alphabetically by author. So much neater! Yes, the genres are quite mixed now. But surely it is a little easier to find KING for example to find a bit of horror and intrigue!
I also added all the books to my library on Goodreads. I've got them all listed as 'want to read' and so I can easily sort them now by author or average rating to help me decide what to read next!
As I'm feeling a bit rough, I thought it would be a good idea to have a bath. It was lovely. Warming and bubbly! Just what I needed.
With Caz feeling fed up with his hernia pain, he hasn't been in the mood to watch the BTCC from Knockhill which is now over a fortnight ago. But today he fancied watching the first race. Jump on that offer while it lasts!
We carried on with Vanity Fair. It seems to be on Sunday's and Monday's.
Becky is definitely developing as an individual. you feel more of a hope that she thrives if only to annoy some of the relatives that she is a governess for. She's struck up an unlikely friendship but part of me is still a bit cynical thinking this might be because she is trying to weave her way in on purpose and warm herself to this person in order to benefit from an inheritance. But maybe I am just being a bit pessimistic and presumptive of her...
The next book I'm reading is the first in the trilogy for Hunger Games.
It is quite an easy read and I flew through the first chapter. I never know if it is good to read something that has also been televised/made into a movie. It takes away your imagination and you just rely on one person's interpretation of the novel as to the landscape, surrounding, goings on and characters. But I've not actually seen the movies based on this book so it might not be a problem for me.
Learnt: The best way to sort a library is alphabetical by author.
Feel: A bit more organised.
Proud: I got all the books neatly sorted, arranged and indexed!
The sunset from what will be my baby girl's room.
A perfect view for a perfect little girl.
The day didn't start amazingly.
I woke up at 2am and was unable to return to sleep.
So at 5am I gave in and started reading "The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing".
The New Yorker actually compares it to Bridget Jones' Diary. I had high hopes for this. There are several long chapters in the book and each is from a different time in the protagonist's life.
I understand that each of these chapters was actually short stories that were originally published in a newspaper. All about the same character and her life and development through her teen years to older.
So far, I'm not enjoying it. The sentences are brief and straight to the point. I can't picture the characters or the settings - it isn't particularly descriptive. One annoyance so far is that it is written in a very childlike manner he said this and then she said that. It isn't the usual style of penmanship I tend to sway towards.
Today is a bank holiday day off and what better day to start following the daily prompts in these books?!
So this one suggests as task 1: eating healthily. I'll definitely keep it in mind as I mindfully choose my food and actually taste and appreciate it.
And the grief book advises you to cry over the loss.
Over the past 3 days, I have cried so much. I don't know if I can cry any more. But I'll definitely think about Jesse, as I do every single day. I know Jesse can't live their life and so I will live mine as fully as I can to honour their untimely passing.
I actually got up, had a wash, put some clothes on and not just slumming it in pyjamas and even put makeup on.
I felt if I looked better I might feel better.
We haven't had a roast dinner in a long while. So today, as we had the time and appetite, we decided to put in the time and effort to making something nice.
It also nicely tied in with eating healthily.
Caz decided to harvest some of our homegrown parsnips and carrots from the raised vegetable plots in the garden.
They looked brilliant. All different shapes and sizes and even shades of colour. In the supermarket, you only get uniform shaped vegetables and all pretty much of the same exact colour.
These were long and thin, short and fat, yellow, orange, white in the centre and even some entwined together.
Just perfect!
This is what we made!
The parsnips were roasted and the carrots chopped into rings and steamed. They all tasted truly wonderful.
It is funny how much more you appreciate something when you understand the time and effort that have gone into cultivating them and bringing them to your plate.
We finally got around to worming Walter. He is such a good boy. Caz wrapped him in a towel to contain his feet so he couldn't panic and struggle while I opened his jaw and flung in a bit of cheese and his pill. Eventually, he did swallow it all. He doesn't have a nasty bone in his body. He could easily have bitten me if he wanted or sneaked his paws out to lash out at us. But he didn't he was a little unsure but after a heap of love (and more cheese), he was purring again.
He will be perfect with our little girl I think.
We watched some police interceptors on the telly. I don't think it has been on for a while, but we had some episodes saved on the drive of the YouView box.
I think the YouView box or Samsun telly might be on the way out. When you initially turn them on, there is a hot pink screen. You then turn them off and on again and the picture goes to what it should be.
I expect that will be an expensive fix when it does finally give up.
I managed to sell two more eBay listings yesterday - a bundle of 4 pilates DVDs and a batch of fitness books (yoga bible, retro yoga book and a retro book called 'The Crunch'. I will post them out tomorrow.
Learnt: In around 3 weeks time it is my Dad's birthday. After umming and erring about what to get him, I've decided to sew a pouch for his Kindle which I bought him a year or so ago. The pattern looks easy enough. I've already picked and cut out the materials.
Feel: I can achieve this and it will look really eye-catching!
Proud: On another note, I'm now well into self-help and believe I will be avoiding the need for a GP intervention with pills or any other nonsense. I had the strength within me and just needed to remember where it was tucked away.
Behind the scenes picture of our weekly pregnancy photo.
Just a pretty poppy that has popped up between some cracks in our patio!
28th August
Task 2: Walk more
On my lunch break, I walked along the cycle path down at the beach.
I found this picnic bend that was put here relatively recently.
Imagine your baby's face.
I Googled a 'predict what my baby will look like' app and found one that you can morph two pictures into one to give a suggestion of what your baby could look like.
I picked a lovely picture of Caz from when we went out for an Indian meal on our 8th wedding anniversary and a photo of me at our Gender Reveal party for our baby girl. These pictures were then combined.
So this is apparently what Jesse might have looked like. I could imagine fair-skin and blue eyes but that was as far as my imagination would go. I guess because I saw Jesse as a gelatinous blob in a small pregnancy sac it is hard to not just see tissue. I know I've lost a baby but it almost didn't register as a human being.
It was definitely an interesting way to think about these things. To put a face to a name. I'd like to find some software to figure out what Jesse would have looked like at various ages during their development in life.
I think the trouble is not knowing if they were a boy or a girl is a stumbling block. Keeping a gender-neutral look might make this all seem a little weird.
I did have the feeling, as did Caz, that Jesse might have been a girl. But we will never know now.
It was a lovely sunny morning. I was stuck in the office but escaping for lunch, even if the temperatures are a little brisk now was wonderful.
I put on some washing before I headed out this morning - Walter's bedding! He looked really bereft and confused with me taking his comfort things and putting them into the washing machine!
I had quite a productive morning and afternoon. My energy did start to dip, but after a walk, I felt a lot more energised.
As there aren't that many weeks to go now in my pregnancy, I decided to search out my local breastfeeding group and introduce myself.
They were all very welcoming and supportive. I said how I feel there won't be much support from my family. Caz will be amazing and will support me no matter what I choose, but I had expected my Mum to be offering more advice seeming she offers unsolicited advice normally! Caz's Mum is another one. When I mentioned I will be trying to breastfeed she said the best piece of advice she ever received was permission to stop as it was difficult and painful. Not the support I was hoping to have.
The group sent me two information sheets - one aimed at Dad and one for the Grandparents.
This sounds lame, but I'm actually excited that Great British Bake Off (GBBO) is about to begin. Their first theme is biscuits. So I've picked a vanilla heart cookie recipe to try. It asked for 'petals' using a flower shaped cutter, but it seems I don't own that shape and so I used a heart instead.
I also iced the cookies and think they look the bee's knees!
After work, I packaged up, printed out the postage slips and took the eBay packages to the post office to send off.
I also phoned Rebecca about my medications. I've been very good a taking them when scheduled but keeping on top of my stock isn't my forte with so much else on my mind. It turns out I run out on Friday... So she has requested I pop in tomorrow morning for blood tests and she'll sort my prescription to pick up later this week.
Learnt: How to make, pipe and flood biscuits with royal icing.
Feel: Really accomplished in decorating biscuits. It has taken them to the next level for me and I know I can improve and elaborate on the designs next time perhaps with stripes or polka dots.
Proud: They tasted as good as they looked!
29th August
Today, I'm off on annual leave.
I feel okay, not amazing, but good enough.
Lighten up
I do oftentimes take what people say to heart very easily. It doesn't matter if it is something personal about myself or something I just believe strongly in.
If someone says something I don't agree with, I will be riled up and want to stand my ground and argue my opinion. Sometimes you can't always do that; you may have to bite your tongue, especially when it is an elderly relative saying the offensive remark.
I need to let things slide more I think, but if I do strongly believe in something I need to let them know. They might not always 'get it' and if that happens, I need to learn to drop it and move on.
breathe during 2 music tracks
I've recently noticed that when practically any track comes on by Jungle I feel my body just melt into a relaxed state. I don't really know what it is, but something just chills me completely to my core.
I can literally be only 10 seconds in and I start to ease.
This one is high up on my list of Jungle tracks.
Another song I quite like is
My first job of the day is to go to the hospital, visit the renal unit and pick up some blood tests forms that are behind the desk so I can go for some blood tests prior to my appointment in a week.
I thought all went really well.
The lady found a vein quite quickly and was asking me about my baby. She said she remembered a girl who had a kidney transplant and gave birth to a beautiful chunky boy last year. I know who that will be and he is adorable! The phlebotomist said I need to bring my girl in once she is here! I will bring her along sometime. She will, unfortunately, have to get used to Mummy popping in and out of the hospital a lot. As long as I don't have any stays, I won't complain!
But then as I was walking back to where I parked my car, at the back of the renal unit, I noticed blood was coming through my coat.
It had soaked through the cotton ball, through my jumper and through my coat.
The irony is that often they struggle to find a vein and even then it is slow and infuriating. Today, it wouldn't stop.
I found a tissue in my bag, folded it up and applied that to my arm under the cotton ball.
I messaged Caz and asked him how to get blood stains out - soak in cold water, put on stain remover and then throw in the washing machine for the usual cycle.
It worked! The clothes are now clean!
I got home, watched an episode of Reign and then I had to go back to the hospital.
This time I have an obstetrics appointment.
Boy, this didn't go well.
Let me just reassure you that baby girl is well and I'm doing fine.
It's just a choice of words that the obstetrician picked led to me bursting into tears and feeling really out of sorts for the rest of the day.
First, when I got to the unit we had a long wait as per usual.
The midwife, Grace, called us in and she is lovely. She checked my blood test results from this morning and all looked good - my haemoglobin (Hb) is 100! That is amazing considering it was 77 just a few months back.
She also listened to my baby girl's heartbeat and reassured us knowing our story with miscarriage and our nervousness this time around.
We then saw a Dr called Jen and she had amazing brogues on.
She was really nice and welcoming and went through the rest of my appointment.
She touched on contraceptives for after birth and I am weighing it up between a progesterone only pill and an implant/coil. I will see what the GP advises at the time.
To round it all off, Jen called in Dr Clarke to just double check everything and confirm she was happy with how I'm doing.
The thing she said that worried me was she said I need to try and hang on to have my baby until after 34 weeks as before that it will be a cesarean. That was news to me in itself. But then her next throwaway comment set me off. "If needed, I will decide when we end this pregnancy."
I just said okay, thank you and goodbye. We were done with the appointment.
We got outside and I turned to Caz and said I didn't understand or like what she said. I think she was referring to choosing to induce me if my health doesn't remain stable. But saying "end this pregnancy" to me felt like she was playing god and terminating my baby. I felt so protective, so worried, so angry, so destroyed.
Once Caz had managed to console me to some level, he returned to work and I got in my car and went home.
I completely vegged out in front of the telly. I watched Becoming Jane a dramatisation about Jane Austen and then continued my binge-watch of Reign.
I needed comfort food. I made a single portion cake in the microwave. I decided to make a coffee cake. I melted some butter, whisked up an egg, added caster sugar and self-raising flour and an espresso before microwaving it for a couple of minutes. Amazing. The only thing that might have made it better was a whole heaping of coffee flavoured buttercream.
Then I saw a van reversing into our driveway. It was Morrison Utility Services and he was there on Welsh Water's behalf to verify a claim we had made about our water.
We had filled in a form to say we have a septic tank and don't send our waste into the sewerage system.
He was only here for a few minutes, took a couple photos of the septic tank and location and then gave us a card saying he called and agrees that we are on a septic tank.
Apparently, we might be able to get a rebate on something, hopefully even dated back to when we moved into the property! Time will tell...
I was needing more comfort food for dinner. We had pizza express pizzas bought from Tesco's. It definitely helped. It was a bit of a pip in my 'eating healthy' task. I know that the task was a couple of days ago, but I want to learn and continue with each task until they are habits for me. The more I practise the more well rounded a human being I might become.
Learnt: I'm resilient
Feel: My reaction determines my future. It dictates where I rise or fall.
Proud: I will, and am, bouncing back from where I was on the weekend. I feel a lot brighter already and know my future happiness is within my own hands.
30th August A poem reflecting my grief
Support network
I reached out to my Mum about the obstetric appointment yesterday.
Initially, she said "The Obstetrics appointment sounded very upsetting... Whatever happens, Caz will be there at your side and we'll all be thinking about you and hoping and praying for a good outcome."
But then later she messaged again and maybe what I said had sunk in. "I feel so angry and annoyed for the way you were treated at your Obstetrical appointment yesterday. Knowing that you had a miscarriage last year and the anniversary was only the 15th August, the way they worded everything was upsetting and they should realise that after such a sad event and with all the extra hormones in your body they need to treat mums-to-be with more respect and sympathy."
It was reassuring to know I wasn't just being hormonal or emotional but it is something to actively be annoyed about.
I also reached out to fellow pregnant Mum's following loss on a Miscarriage Association forum. Retold what happened and they said they often struggle with insensitive things medical professionals say.
They came back to me saying sonographers can often be a bit detached (mine have been amazing so far) and consultants being very negative about the prognosis for baby (although realism is needed there are nicer ways to put it and perhaps also to focus on the positives too). It is a shame it isn't just me and it would be good if these medical professionals could maybe have a bit of training in dealing with miscarriage and the aftermath as what you say really has an effect on others. 1 in 4 people have had a miscarriage and so it is more common than you might initially think.
A little while ago, I entered a code from a Cadbury item to be in with a chance to win one of several prizes. Some of the prizes up for grabs were:
First class travel
Amazing accommodation
A VIP dinner
Money can't buy viewing experience
VIP matchday experience
A pair of premier league tickets
£50 cash
A Cadbury goodie bag
Well, it turns out I won a pair of premier league tickets and have picked this match!
Liverpool v Watford
27th February at 20:00
There was an option to donate the tickets and they would go to local kids who otherwise couldn't go to the match, but I have a few connections to Liverpool (why I picked that match) and so I thought I could perhaps sell/auction off the pair of tickets for Royal Liverpool's Transplant Sport team. They always are crying out for funding to help pay for their uniforms, kit and accommodation when they get together each year to compete in the British Transplant Games - like the national Olympics for transplant patients.
I reached out to the team and they sound very interested. One guy has said he wouldn't mind buying the tickets for himself and his lad. He's offered me £60 for the pair but I don't know how much tickets should be! I felt like they might be more expensive than that... I don't know where in the stands the seats are, but if I'm doing this for charity then maybe it would be best to hold out to get a better price. I'd maybe let them go for the price of 1 ticket.
But having looked it up tickets can vary from £9 in the 'main stand upper' to £59 in the 'main stand'. So perhaps £60 is a very fair price!
For a 'just because' occasion, it has been decided that the BP project team would like to go out for dinner on Friday at Hickory's.
I haven't been in quite a while as it is a bit of a trek there. But the menu looks amazing. Food menu Drink menu
On the way home I fuelled up and picked up my repeat prescription medications from the local pharmacy.
I'll have to phone Rebecca tomorrow to find out if my hospital medications are ready to pick up too. I run out tomorrow - whoops!
I went for walkies again at lunchtime and it felt very nice. My bladder feels a lot of pressure and is uncomfortable now on standing but I'm surviving!
Everyone I passed seemed very nice and all said 'hello' to me. I think the task from yesterday to lighten up is starting to have a physical effect on me.
This was the early sunrise first thing in the morning with some lovely subtle colours in the sky.
I've found Walter's new resting place - on top of my computer! It must be warm.
When I spotted him he looked so shocked and then ran away in shame! Haha! Funny cat.
After dinner, I updated my blog and then went for a long wallow in the bath. I wanted to feel nice and pretty for tomorrow's dinner with work - all of these folk are younger than me, so I wanted to try at least seem a little more moisturised and youthful! Vanity kicking in I think.
But I just kicked back, listened to music and soaked my troubles away. Just what I needed.
31st August
Do something for yourself
Today, I am going out for a meal with the BP team from work.
I'm a bit apprehensive, I don't know this team particularly well and apart from Abigail, I'm the newbie of the team. Tom is the manager, Clio is the team leader and then there is Stephen, David, Seth and Conor. Apart from Tom and the new lady, I'm the oldest!
Satisfy the 6 tastes in a meal
In Ayurveda, there are six tastes or Rasas: sweet, sour, salty, bitter, pungent, and astringent. Ayurveda recommends including each of the tastes in every meal.
I think my meal out tonight might tick these boxes...!
Another beautiful morning!
There was a car crash in the early hours of this morning on the main dual carriageway on and off Anglesey. It turns out an Audi A5 and an HGV collided somehow on the Britannia Bridge. The driver of the car, unfortunately, didn't survive the accident. This happened around 2am and the road was closed eastbound when I went to work so I went on Menai Bridge (the old bridge). I understand it took until around 11am to conclude the investigations and reopen the road.
My condolences go to the family who have lost a loved one and the lorry driver who may be traumatised by what happened.
Thank you also goes out to the emergency services and all who helped.
You'd hardly believe this was in North Wales. The morning started with our heating coming on in August (!) and 7-degree temperatures outside. It is now 21-degrees and perfect for a lunchtime stroll. I mainly went out to get some cash from the corner shop but I also intended to buy some rennies or something like that. Pregnancy brain led me to buy a small tub of salt and vinegar Pringles?!
I can't remember if I mentioned, but last Wednesday, 22nd August, someone managed to bump our perimeter wall.
I didn't think it was our neighbour opposite but thought it might be someone else. Now a week has passed and no one has fessed up or come forward, so I reached out to our neighbours.
Jean and Andy live opposite. They mostly keep themselves to themselves, much like we do I guess, but theirs is more enforced as Jean had an accident or illness a few years ago that left her unable to care for herself and I understand she uses a wheelchair.
I messaged Jean, while I was at work, and asked if she saw anything by any chance. She hadn't so I asked if she had the details for the stonemason that was used previously. She knew Andy would remember and so would ask him when he was home.
I got a message a little while later from Andy saying 'Jean doesn't know, but sorry, it was me.'. Fair enough for confessing and he said he didn't think it was particularly damaged but hadn't realised some rocks from the wall had fallen into our garden. He popped over, spoke to Caz who was at home and said he would fix the wall himself.
It turns out they lost their son previously and one of his friends has not long had a baby and asked Jean to be the 'super special godmother'. I thought that was really touching.
I mentioned that I had a miscarriage previously and am currently 10 weeks away from my due date. She wished us well and to look after ourselves.
Very sweet.
The meal out at Hickory's was really nice. It is often very loud in the restaurant with the music cranked up to 11 seemingly so the conversation can be a little difficult.
I had creole prawn fajitas with grilled corn on the cob for dinner. Very tasty! The sweet was my blueberry lemonade, sour was my sour cream dip, salty the prawns being seafood, bitter slightly caramelised onions for the fajitas, pungent was the creole spices used as the flavouring, and astringent is apparently popcorn which is the free appetiser put on tables when you arrive.
Afterwards, we sat outside on a picnic bench in the last of the sun with drinks while we chatted for a while.
I actually really had a nice time. Tom, Seth and Abigail all made an effort to speak to me and it was lovely!
We talked about everything from holidays, how we ended up in our jobs, our education, babies and failed tattoos!
Learnt: When I'm happy, it radiates from me. Happiness breeds happiness.
Feel: More approachable and am noticing strangers even saying 'Hi'.
Proud: I'm starting to talk more, opening up and getting some advice. It is good to talk.
1st September Stop Comparing
This is probably easier said than done.
You find people to compare against from your general life, from online and in the media. Social media is probably the hardest. You try and follow things that are of interest to you but sometimes they set such unachievable and unrealistic goals that you feel not good enough.
I really made an effort at this today. I started by limiting my time on Instagram.
I did slip a bit when I looked on and saw posts by a lady who had a textbook perfect pregnancy and then at 41-weeks and 5-days she went into labour but her uterus contracted and wouldn't release. It turns out her placenta had an issue, her uterus then ruptured as did her bladder. She lost her baby at that moment and was then very unwell herself for a long while. It terrified me that you can get so close but still not reach the finish line. How horrible can life be sometimes? I burst into tears feeling scared for my baby girl.
But after reading for a while, having some hot cocoa and being comforted by Caz I was able to settle down again and get back on track.
I have found that you can have the best intentions in life but sometimes you get put off simply by other people's opinions. You then think maybe I shouldn't do this then if so many people disagree with me.
One moot point is breastfeeding. If you'd asked me a year ago, I might say I would try breastfeeding my future baby but I wouldn't expect it to work with being on the smaller side and so might only half-heartedly give it a go.
But now I have read more about it, understand it more, I know I really want to give this my best shot possible and persevere.
My Mum hasn't shown any support for or against breastfeeding so I don't know what to think there but my Mother-in-law has said the thing she was most grateful at being told by a midwife was to give her permission to stop. She managed a week or two with Caz and a couple of days with his Sister.
I know what I want now, Caz supports me and we'll strive for it. I've asked him to tell me when to stop trying as I know I have such a dogged determination that I might not care about how difficult or painful it is becoming for me as I want so much for my baby girl to benefit. Obviously, if she were to be affected negatively by my actions I would accept and move on.
But if it only affects me? I think I'd plough on through, in spite of other people's comments.
Write a letter to yourself 5 years into the future
I don't really know how to approach this.
Having had a previous baby loss part of you is quite pessimistic and is worried it might happen again. You aren't just naive to the facts now but know the exact statistics and how common loss can be. Stillbirth is now my biggest worry.
Never ignore anything that doesn't feel normal. Insist on being seen and having your baby checked out is my advice. If it doesn't feel right it might not be right. It isn't wasting anyone's time, they would rather check you over tens of times to reassure you and ensure your baby is safe than to think you are being a nuisance.
So, do I write it as if my baby girl survives or as if she doesn't? I feel it should be the first option really. To be as optimistic as possible. As it stands, she is happy and I am healthy. Maybe I should mostly talk about my hopes and dreams for this little one.
I will write the letter, seal it and then place it in the baby box we have been creating for this pregnancy. It will be a whole host of memories from the first pregnancy test sticks, the games and notes from the gender reveal party and lots of other goodies to show her when she is 18 or so! I will collect first everythings and keep them in the box/es. It'll be so lovely to look back on.
Just imagine, come the time she turns 5, I can read this letter to myself! I will have no doubt forgotten what I wrote or even particularly what it is, but seeing the date of when I should open the envelope will no doubt be intriguing.
On the advice of the Gwynedd & Anglesey Breastfeeding Friends facebook group, I ordered two books. One called 'The Food of Love: Your Formula for Successful Breastfeeding' by Kate Evans and the other 'Your No Guilt Pregnancy Plan: A revolutionary guide to pregnancy, birth and the weeks that follow' by Rebecca Schiller.
The first book arrived in the post today. It looks really easy to read and there are lots of fun cartoons/drawings to demonstrate different aspects of breastfeeding. It looks informal, easy to understand and written with just the right amount of information while also keeping it lighthearted and in parts quite humorous.
I'm flying through the book and have got about a quarter or third of the way through already.
Definitely a must for anyone who wishes to breastfeed or to understand more about breastfeeding.
In the evening, Caz and I went over to his parents.
We had macaroni cheese and salad for dinner and then a rocky road cheesecake for pudding.
We talked about various topics during the evening. A lot was obviously about pregnancy, our plans and how we wish to parent and what I'll do about returning to work. But we also talked about Caz's sisters trip away to Germany to some game convention with her boyfriend and an injury she, unfortunately, picked up there. Brexit was also touched on and it is interesting that pretty much everyone I know (family at least) all wanted to remain in Europe and we are all quite concerned about what the future might hold, especially for our little baby girl. She will never have known what it is like to be European, but for Caz and I, it is all we have known. We touched on the fact that we have considered moving to Europe if it is in the best interests of our baby, but we might have missed the boat now with British possibly being treated a little harsher because of 'our' actions and trying to gain citizenship... We will have to see how life pans out.
Elaine was also said how things have changed with regards to raising a baby and that the ways she followed worked for her. But to be honest, times do change too and we know more nowadays, including being more aware of the things we used to do that are in fact quite risky. Like she said people would make up formula bottles for the whole day in one hit and just keep them on a shelf ready for use. But now, you make up the exact amount you need when you need it and use it straight away, throwing it away if it isn't used within the hour. We know more about bacterias and what is safe and now. Change is often progression.
Learnt: I love the knowledge I've already picked up about breastfeeding including the fact that during hotter weather your baby will want to nurse more and that alone will quench them. I also like that the milk changes composition during feeds such as being more of a product for hydrating at the start and then the fat content increases with the 'hindmilk' giving them more nutrients and helping them feel full towards the end of a feed.
Feel: Breastfeeding is an amazing act of dedication to your baby.
Proud: That despite people not exactly supporting me, I know I want to breastfeed and cloth diaper my baby so I can at least say I gave it a good go and if it works, brilliant!
2nd September
Discover Yoga
I first discovered yoga many years ago. I found one of my Dad's yoga books from the 70s and remember trying out some of the poses but not really understanding it all that much. I never would have done a sequence of movements or flow through the positions but just tried a position, aimlessly and then flick through and find another one to try.
A long while later, I bought a DVD (or VHS...) of Yoga with Geri Halliwell. It was during her very thin stage. The main thing I remember was a variation of the sun salutation. I found that the nicest bit.
It wasn't until I had a smartphone that I discovered yoga more and did it more regularly.
I had an app on my phone but you had to go to the store to download any additional 'classes' or sequences of yoga - for runners, good for backs, getting abs, etc.
I then deleted that and downloaded Down Dog. It was really quick and easy to use. You could set your skill level, how long you had and then it just created a workout for you. It was video based with audio instructions and you could set music to play in the background. I quite liked that I could pick 'alternative' or something along those lines and it would be acts like The Weeknd and such.
On YouTube, I love Yoga with Adriene and also Yogea Yoga. The first is better when you aren't quite in the mood for exercise as you are kind of just hanging out with a friend. The latter is good for when you are feeling pro. Yogea Yoga also has a wide range of workouts including some pregnancy yoga for each of the trimesters.
I have to admit I've not managed to do anything more than walking in this third trimester. I feel I should do more but I'm so tired that I know I need to just rest.
Call a friend
I didn't technically do this but I did have some good conversations with Caz.
We often do trivia quizzes on the weekend from a big pub quiz book we have and that often leads to some interesting discussions about music or politics and other matters.
Well, my computer died...
I love computers... 🙄
We did a few loads of washing. I set our usual (current) weekly wash of clothes to go and then after that was done I did the last of our baby girl's bedding.
This led me to pack my hospital bag, just in case.
I made sure I had enough pairs of pyjamas as I imagine it will be easy for a pair to get covered in bodily fluids of some sort during labour! I also put in a going home outfit, slippers, cosy socks and all the things I think I might need for birth - a blanket, my L-shaped pillow, lavender, cooling spray, aloe vera leg and foot gel, massage oil, maternity pads, breast pads and a few other bits and bobs.
We then went through our baby's things and packed some muslins, a swaddling blanket, a cellular blanket, my patchwork quilt, 3 or 4 baby grows and vets, a cardigan, nappies (disposable for in hospital) and some other things we think she'll need.
I think we are pretty much there with packing and it will just be last minute toiletries and such to complete the bag!
Learnt: A variety of facts from our weekend trivia quizzes
Feel: 23 is our average score out of 30 and that isn't something to be ashamed of!
Proud: That I suggested some answers, that although Caz didn't agree with or write down, that were actually right! I and others need to believe in me more!
30 weeks achieved! 10 weeks to go until my due date and only 5 more weeks at work! 🎈
