Week 34

1st October

During this month I will highlight various charities and companies supporting baby loss awareness month that have helped me and my family.

The first of which I will feature is SANDS.

Sands is the stillbirth and neonatal death charity. They operate throughout the UK, supporting anyone affected by the death of a baby, working to improve the care bereaved parents receive, and promoting research to reduce the loss of babies’ lives.

There is a local SANDS support group for those that have experienced stillbirth or neonatal death.
They occasionally meet, raise money for the Ysbyty Gwynedd maternity unit and organise a remembrance service for all the lost babies in the hospital chapel on remembrance day.

I forgot to post a picture of our completed garage the other day, so here it is!

It looks so much better than I thought it might. When Caz was describing the plasti-coated corrugated metal sheeting, all I could picture was a warehouse or barn. It isn't like either of them. 

It is also quite bright and airy inside. The clear panels in the roof let in a lot of light, even when it is going dusky and the light is quite limited outside. 

We are thinking about getting external lights on the garage, maybe a security light too. We just need to work out how to angle it right so it doesn't shine into the road or directly into neighbour's windows!

Today, after work, we went to the latest midwife appointment. I wasn't sure what we'd cover today, but we actually focussed on the birth plan/birth preferences.
That is one of the things I was really anxious to tick off on my list of things to do.

I was quite worried about the birth plan, as I wasn't sure how much choice I might have left to me. I do have some preferences about things but with being a high-risk person I do understand these might not be available to me. I am willing to be flexible but worry I might feel bullied into what they want and what they think is best. That I'll just be a dumb mute in the end and go along with them as you just blindly trust doctors.
But I feel giving birth is quite different. I'm not unwell. I'm doing something very natural and normal. I just need the hospital's assistance, maybe quite a lot of support from them, but still I feel there are ways in which I can shape the birth to be a pleasant enough experience.

A few weeks ago, the midwife did say to 'think about your birth plan' and I did. I sat there researching and reading and studying. I wanted to make the most informed choices for myself while keeping in mind that things might not stay on plan.

She asked what template I used - I found the NHS choices birth plan template and found that really handy to fill in. There were tick boxes for your main thought on each topic - assistance, equipment, birth partner, etc - as well as fields to write any additional comments and thoughts.
Wendy said that she has a favoured template and that this might not be good enough.

So I just started from the top and worked my way through.
Wendy prepared herself to write any additional notes that might be needed, but her page remained blank.
"Very thought through and educated choices".
I'm not sure what she expected, but when I'm asked to think about something it sits at the front of my mind, mulling over until I feel I've considered it inside out and back to front. I'm a thinker. That is my flaw but also apparently a positive trait too!

I just have a few minor amendments to make but it is pretty much complete and I feel quite proud of it!

Caz has read it through and agrees with everything and said he'll support me in advocating for my preferences.

Some key things I noted were:
We have had a previous pregnancy loss so would appreciate if the staff can refer to this baby as either our second baby or rainbow baby. We are already parents so will feel upset if we are told we are first-time parents because our first baby wasn't strong enough to stay.
I also noted that I have a kidney transplanted in my right groin. So there are some physicals I can't have such as the midwife poking around my pelvic bone to see if the baby's head is down and engaged. I might also not be able to go into some positions such as knees to my chest as that might crush my kidney.
Another important thing is I listed my medications and that times that they are taken. She said it might be worth talking to my renal consultant about whether any of these medications can be taken intravenously as often the pain from labour can cause sickness. At worst case scenario, how long do I have to keep my pills down before I'm sick for them to still support my transplant?
Something worth thinking about.

2nd October

Today, my order from Marks & Spencer arrived!
I found out that they are supporting baby loss awareness month by creating a Tshirt and Candle.
The Tshirt is available in ivory or blush; I bought the blush one.

The candle is scented with vanilla orchid, caramel and ylang-ylang. It is quite a warm and comforting/homely smell.

Marks & Spencer is proud to be supporting Baby Loss Awareness Week with this stylish woman’s t-shirt. Speak openly about this important topic with this pure cotton t-shirt that offers a touch of French-chic and a helping hand to this important cause. Sport this woman’s t-shirt with pride this 9th to 15th October.
This product has been designed by M&S colleague Amy Mott to help break the silence and raise awareness of baby loss. M&S will also be donating £15,000 to help support Baby Loss Awareness Week, which runs from 9-15 October.

One of the charities that are supporting baby loss awareness month is Bliss. They are the charity for babies born premature or sick.

One of my 'facebook friends', who I discovered due to my kidney transplant, actually has a daughter who was born very premature. Viki was born 3 months early weighing just 826g. This was a most precious moment. Viki is 24 now and as well as being Janice's daughter she is her friend.
Janice said that Bliss supported them through those first few months and beyond.
It is lovely to hear a happy outcome and how someone was personally helped by a charity you hear wonderful things about.

I'm really done with work now. I am finding getting up difficult as I'm not particularly sleeping well with struggling to get comfortable, the drive to work is also rubbish. My baby bump is really starting to encroach in the space towards the steering wheel - when I do full lock, my hands skim passed my bump! Well, at least there are only a handful of days remaining now!

3rd October

Day off!

The Lullaby Trust provides emotional support for bereaved families, promotes expert advice on safer baby sleep and raises awareness of sudden infant death.

Working with the NHS, they run a national health-visitor led service for bereaved parents, Care of Next Infant (CONI) programme, which supports families before and after the birth of their new baby.

They are committed to supporting research to understand why so many babies a year die suddenly and unexpectedly in the UK and to find out more about how to prevent these tragic deaths.

Today, I'm taking my last holiday day off. I won't be booking any more annual leave now!

I woke up from a horrible dream. I was bleeding; there was some issue with my baby. That uneasy feeling and thought stayed with me a lot of the day and I felt quite distracted and out of sorts. I feel unreasonably worried about stillbirth. I just can't picture my baby being safe and well. I desperately want her to be, but I also don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to let me guard down. I feel if I do, that is when I'll be kicked back to reality, that everything will come crashing down around me.
It almost feels better to expect for the worst but hope for the best.

I tried to be productive during my time off. It is strange but all my days off lately, I have either been going to the hospital for various things or unwell with a cough/cold/stomach bug. So reminding myself that I'm not unwell but actually off for my own reasons is quite novel.

But I managed to sweep upstairs. Yes, I had to break it down into smaller more manageable chunks. I swept the bathroom, then watched an episode of Reign, swept the landing, watched Reign, swept the ensuite and the stairs and watched Reign.
I got through a lot of Reign today! I'm left with 2 or 3 episodes now before the finale. I know what happens to Mary overall in her life, but I'm really unsure how the series will culminate.
A couple of the episodes today made me quite tearful - when Mary had to banish James from Scotland and then when her advisor David was butchered to death. One of the episodes the other day made me quite sad too when Gideon's daughter passed away. She was such a brave little girl and Elizabeth managed to ease her worries and comfort them both in the run-up to it.

As always, this furry friend was with me while I watched Netflix!
I'm not sure he likes it, he was covering his eyes at one point.

I then popped out for a little bit to go to Lidl in Llangefni.
I wanted to buy some healthy snacks for during labour (including some isotonic drinks to keep my energy up). I got nuts, dried fruit, cereal bars and protein balls.
I also bought treats for my final day at work. I will pop them in the kitchen when I get in and send an email to everyone. I got chocolate brownie bites, mini flapjacks, chocolate cornflake bites, chocolate chip mini muffins, blueberry mini muffins and double chocolate mini muffins.
One final thing I decided to get was a nice bottle of beer for my manager. I know there have been some perceived tensions so I want to leave on a good note with 'no hard feelings'. I got an Iron Maiden Trooper beer and have put it in a wine bottle gift bag for him. I know he is a fan of beer, so hopefully, it ticks the box.

I'm starting to have some mixed feelings about leaving work.
On the one hand, I'm so tired. By 11ish I'm really flagging and again around half 2. I just feel so drained. It is tiring growing a baby. No wonder you need some extra calories in your third trimester.  But also, on the other hand, every weekday for the last 12-13 years I've come to work. It is my routine, it is my normal. I've been through good and bad times while I've worked here and although I've felt a little uncertain about my future at times, I will miss coming to work.
In a way, not coming to work feels like a loss of identity and loss of purpose. What am I going to do with my time now? Obviously, when my baby girl arrives it will all make sense and slot into place. But in the interim, I will feel quite lost. Should I stick to a routine? How will I even know what day it is? Will I end up being a hermit? Or will I continue to go out and about, finding cafes and new places to walk even if it is only for a short stint each day?
It's all quite conflicting.

It is date night tonight! Maybe our final one before our baby arrives!
I ended up on our local student union website for Bangor University and saw that they have some cinema showings and that Wednesday is a cinema meal deal!
For £15 you get a 12" Margherita pizza with a choice of additional topping (I had roasted vegetables and Caz had parma ham) as well as a drink (glass of wine, a bottle of beer or soft drink). It also includes your cinema tickets.
We are seeing The Predator. I was totally confused about this and thought they were showing the 1987 classic Predator. I didn't appreciate the significance of 'The'.
According to Wikipedia: The Predator is a 2018 American science fiction action film directed by Shane Black and written by Black and Fred Dekker. It is the fourth instalment in the Predator film series (the sixth counting the two Alien vs. Predator films), following Predator (1987), Predator 2 (1990), and Predators (2010). Black had a supporting role in the original film, while John Davis returns as the producer from the first three instalments.

My review of the night out at Pontio on TripAdvisor:
"My husband and I booked a Wednesday night cinema meal deal for date night. Included were tickets to The Predator, a 12" Margherita pizza and a drink (glass of wine, a bottle of beer or soft drink) - all for only £15 each. We added a topping on the pizza's - my husband had parma ham and I had roasted vegetables. Very yummy!
We then bought snacks and drinks (a large soft drink and popcorn are only £3.50) - bargain!
We booked our tickets in advance but typically I would imagine you can buy at the booking office when you arrive on the day. Some events might be more popular and perhaps sell out quicker than others though.
Just a note that for parking you use the nearby public carparks. One of the closest, Glanrafon Car Park, is free after 6pm.
In the cinema, there were toilets on the approach to the doors to the screen and the elevation of the seats was perfect to enable everyone to see even if a tall person sat in front of them! The seats aren't the most comfortable but I settled into a position. There are little swivel tables from the arms of the chairs, but being heavily pregnant I was too big to make use of them!
All in all, we had a perfect night and look forward to returning and will highly recommend to others. Thank you."

4th October

The Miscarriage Association is here to provide support and information to anyone affected by miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or molar pregnancy.
When I had my miscarriage, the only paperwork I was given was a badly photocopied information sheet about the Miscarriage Association. On there was the link for the website which led me to find online leaflets. These were so useful to me during the early days. To know that it was normal to bleed for so many days, that my next period might be a bit heavier or lighter than usual, that it is normal to feel so overwhelmed and sad. There were leaflets for partners too and how they are allowed to feel sad too and shouldn't feel they are only there to support the woman who has lost their baby.

There are also a couple of Facebook groups hosted by the Miscarriage Association that I've found really helpful.
The Miscarriage Association private group - This is a group where you can go after the loss of your baby. There are other ladies who have been through the same heartbreaking experience as you and can support one another. You can talk about pregnancy announcements and how everyone around you seems to be baking a bun in the oven. You feel less alone.

The Miscarriage Association - Pregnant After Loss private group - This has been a lifeline to me during this pregnancy after loss journey. You can talk to others about how you feel annoyed at other Mum's who complain about their pregnancy symptoms when you are so grateful just to be pregnant. You can talk about your worries and fears that you feel the only possible outcome will be another loss. You feel less mental and realise this is all part of the process and that actually, it is really normal to feel this way.

Today, it would have been my Grandma's birthday.
It is now over 8 years since she, unfortunately, passed away but still she is in my thoughts a lot.
I know she would be proud and so pleased that Caz and I are pregnant and are imminently going to meet our daughter. She would have been so good with her great-granddaughter!
But Happy Birthday Grandma, I hope you can see we are happy and healthy and I also hope that you are surrounded by all your family and friends who went before you. Come to think of it, maybe you are keeping Jesse company, holding them and giving them love until Caz and I can join our baby.

Well, today is my penultimate day at work. A couple people won't be in tomorrow, so it is goodbyes today.
It is odd to think that everyone else will still come here on Monday but I'll have no place to go. It will obviously be a good time to catch up on rest but also to get as prepared for our baby as possible. There are still floors to be swept and hoovered, counters to clean. I need to make our baby girl's cot up - put the bedding in there ready for her. I also need to find enough hangers for all her clothes and sort through them as thinking about the items we have, some might be too small for her already.
I'm sure I'll find things to do, stuff to watch, places to visit. But it will be odd!

I was surprised and dismayed that a couple of people who I work quite closely with and know it is my last day in (during their working week) didn't feel the need or want to say Goodbye to me and wish me all the best. That is life I guess, you find out who has your back and who are essentially just sat on the sidelines waiting for you to fall before kicking you while you are down.
I won't waste any more time on these people then. No point putting effort in when it is wasted. I will be polite and civil but won't go out of my way for them.

We had a takeaway tonight from Wok & Go. I really enjoyed my food (despite it being the spiciest thing I believe I've ever had). Caz really didn't enjoy his though. I don't know if it was too spicy or if he picked something he didn't particularly like in hindsight... I love my noodles though and we don't have them enough in my opinion!

My parents contacted Sands the still birthday and neonatal death charity and they sent out a memory box. Inside was a book of poems to help those grieving, a couple leaflets, a small teddy bear and a blanket. In there I put everything else I had kept of Jesse's. The box is so much nicer than the one I had bought. At least I've got all the things together in a lovely place now.

5th October

Today, I want to mention Tommy's.
They fund research into miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth, and provide pregnancy health information to parents. They believe it is unacceptable that one in four women lose a baby during pregnancy and birth. They want every parent to have the best possible pregnancy outcomes and to take home happy, healthy babies.

Tommy's Facebook page aims to bring you up-to-date advice for you and your baby throughout pregnancy in a friendly and relaxed manner. It can provide a place to share your thoughts on relevant health topics and your experiences.

There is also a support group for Tommy's on Facebook - a safe destination for the baby loss community!
Through their clinics, research centres, pregnancy information service and support line run by the team of Tommy's midwives, they are here to support parents and families who lose a baby, experience premature birth and to help everyone have a safe and healthy pregnancy.

I am finding Tommy's such a help and reassuring resource during my pregnancy. They do lots of information sheets and videos and even have midwives onhand to talk to or offer advice should you need it.

Oh wow! It is my last day in work now!
I really do have such mixed feelings about leaving. I feel a loss of identity, loss of routine, feel like I won't know what day it is and I will lose my purpose.

My lovely colleagues surprised me!
I was just sat there, minding my own business working away and then I noticed Christine approaching me with a white box. It turns out that it was a massive two-tier cake!

There was also a massive card signed by most of the people in the office!

Plus a lovely bunch of flowers!

Bye guys! Until next year...!

6th October

Caz's Dad, Nigel, popped over for a little bit today. He had heard about the new garage and wanted to take a look!

My parents visited later in the day and helped by hoovering while they were here. They stayed for tea and some cake - always appreciated!

I'm feeling quite low now as I'm just feeling like such a bloater! My limbs feel puffy and so I took my blood pressure on my little portable machine but it looked fine so I'm hoping it isn't pre-eclampsia or anything more serious or sinsiter.
I can't even explain how awful heartburn during pregnancy is. I can't wait until my body is my own again!

7th October

Aching Arms brings comfort after pregnancy and baby loss.
Aching Arms is a baby loss charity run by a group of bereaved mothers who have experienced the pain and emptiness of leaving the hospital without their baby.
Our aim is to raise awareness of the impact of pregnancy and baby loss and bring some comfort to bereaved parents and their families after the loss of a baby.
We provide Aching Arms bears to hospitals for midwives to give out. We also reach out to bereaved families who contact us via our website, email, Facebook or Twitter and post dedicated bears directly.

Aching Arms helped us when we lost Jesse. I contacted them and they sent us out an Aching Arms Bear.
He was dedicated in memory of the family of Jack Paul Radbourne-Willson. He sits pride of place on our mantlepiece alongside other items we have collected in memory of Jesse. He really brings comfort to me. I hold him when I'm sad and think of Jesse and Jack Paul. He helps you realise you aren't alone and that another family out there is going through the same as you.
I've since dedicated a couple bears to Jesse at Aching Arms - https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/charity-web/charity/displayCharityCampaignPage.action?campaignId=2908&charityId=1012307

This is actually what I want for my upcoming birthday on the 24th of this month. For people who would have bought me something to dedicate bears to Jesse on Aching Arms. The more bears there are out there, the more families that can feel comforted and not so alone.

Some of Caz's family dropped by for a little while. His Mum, Hugh and Nain visited. Caz's Nain hadn't seen me in quite a while and thought my bump had really grown and possibly even dropped a little?! Maybe it is the beginning of the end now and this little baby is preparing to enter the world!

There is some great significance about today - it is a year since we first met Walter, our cat.
We went to the RSPCA rescue centre to look for kittens or cats. The workers / volunteers there showed us a couple cats they thought might be suitable. One called Solomon and the other I can't remember his name now. The first was quite aloof and only interested in his surroundings and the other seemed quite nice but a little fiesty.
Then we just carried on looking around the shelter and there was this cat looking at us.
When we first saw him he had his little tongue out in a blep!

This cat's name was Sylvester, he was a 'stray' picked up from a town area. He had a dental injury and so one of his fang teeth had to be removed and they thought he was around 5-6 years old.
So we asked if he might be suitable for our brief - good with kids. We knew we wanted a family and so we wanted to know that whichever cat we got would be okay with our future child/children.
They weren't sure but then a rescue inspector came through and said he was really soft and gentle. So we got him out and met him. He rolled over and let us tickle his tummy! He was perfect. A day later we reserved him, a few days later I visited him again to remind him that we were still there and hadn't forgotten him and by a week later he was home with us!
We haven't looked back since!

Week 33

24th September

I've decided to call in sick again today. I know that now my body needs some rest and a chance to get over this bug so I have a fighting chance.
While I was off, my parents popped over to cut the bits of the lawn that the robot mower doesn't go to at the front of the house. They also strimmed some of the banks in the garden to neaten the place up.

The builders are still cracking on with the garage. It is starting to take shape a little and you can picture now what it might look like.

Mostly though, I have been watching Netflix and have been carrying on with Reign, well into the last season now and also I've found Friends on there.
It is funny, how 20-30 years after Friends was recorded that it now seems a little stereotypical, sexist, and a few others -ists thrown in there too. It was so relevant and funny in the day. It is definitely of its time. But I'm also aware that the characters mature and develop so much come the final season. They are on a journey from breaking away from their parents, finding jobs, living in their own places, finding love and finding their feet in life.
Chandler, in particular, seems to change the most. He goes from being the complete joker douchebag to a much more gentle, genuine and tender guy some the end of Friends. This is how life is. You go through experiences and they change you.

I also wanted to do a little craft and so carried on with the Christmas cross-stitch I started over the weekend.

Walter always manages to find the smallest patch of sun and sits in it! He is a real sun worshiper!

25th September

It was a really beautiful start to the day.

But it went downhill very quickly when I discovered my Mummy to be mug is broken. 😞

Today, it is Caz's sister's birthday. Unfortunately, we won't get to see her as I am a bit too poorly and she is back in Chester for her final year of university. We bought her a 'worlds greatest Auntie' apron. She was chuffed with it! I understand that she also got a cake mixer so it continues that theme for her!

I decided to start making some pompoms today when I had finished off the Christmas cross-stitch. I do have a plan to make a smallish rug for our baby's room. It will mostly be the colours we have throughout the house - greys and teals. But I think there is a bit of pink thrown in too and possibly a bit of orange!
I only managed 4 in the end. They started really well, but then started to look quite ratty come the fifth one. So I've put them to one side for now. As and when I have 5 minutes I will just knock another one up and throw it in the box. I imagine I will need 50-odd to make the rug. So a few more to make yet...!

Walter always looks after me when I'm poorly. He sits on me and seems to keep an eye on me. Perhaps it is just a warm and comfortable place but I like to think he loves me!

We were due to go to the second and final antenatal class today. But we don't think I should be around pregnant women with my cough and cold. I don't want to infect Mum's before their due dates - that wouldn't be fair.
So we have missed out on finding out how to care for the baby. I think they were due to cover nappies, feeding and bathing. I'm sure we'll work it out! Isn't it all winging it anyway?!

26th September

Today, I have my next round of checkups.

I don't hold out much hope for my kidney function. Usually, after I've been fighting off a bug my kidney goes into overdrive and goes downhill. It often picks back up again after a little while, but around the time it might be a bit poor.

First stop - blood test. That was in and out pretty quickly with no issues.

Next, we went to McDonald's as usual to have a hot drink. I chose a latte and a blueberry muffin. I couldn't eat the muffin straight away with having taken my immunosuppressants medications - they need to be taken on an empty stomach.
We then popped to Tesco to kill a bit of time and as we needed to pick up some more cat food for Walter.

We saw a different obstetrician today. I think she was called Dr Vachanni. She was to the point and quite down to earth. Told me to avoid crowded places, so I plan to go back to work tomorrow! I always take the advice to heart... It is only 7 more working days.

One thing she said though is that I could expect to need a stay in ITU - intensive therapy unit. I hadn't appreciated that I might be bad enough after delivery to need intensive care.
BUT looking back, I didn't need HDU (high dependency unit) after my transplant despite them saying I would need it, but I did also have a private room so could be isolated and looked after a bit easier. I did need monitoring every hour or two hours. I felt hot and cold. I needed a blood transfusion. But I came through.
My Mum didn't think I would make it. She said she expected a phone call during the night to say I'd gone. But I never considered that myself. I just thought I've been through a lot, it will just take a little while to get there. I never thought, oh I could die. I didn't feel scared at all.
I will go in expecting the worst case scenario and feel pleased when I walk out of there a few hours after giving birth!
I just need to get over this cold, eat healthily and be active and positive and then I will have the best chance possible.

We then popped over to the renal department to catch up with Dr Alejmi and Rebecca.
Dr Alejmi always jokes that I always say 'I'm fine' and that the answer is now 'no'. It is just that things can be so much worse and so I don't like to complain.
He took pity on me and started me on antibiotics for my cough. Hopefully, then I will start to feel better in a few days.
Surprisingly, everything else was fine! My Hb is still around 100 so good for me and my creatinine was 120 so that is really on the nose for a good result with me! I'm really happy!
They did say though, that my sodium is a bit low and so they have put me back on sodium bicarbonate - one morning and night.

I am feeling a fair bit brighter today. So, definitely back to work tomorrow especially now I'm on antibiotics and should feel even better in a few days.

The garage is looking really good. Caz picked out the colours perfectly! They really match the house so well. It is a steel frame building with steel corrugated sheets for the walls that are plasti-coated. The main structure is a warm cream which goes with the house's aran k-rend perfectly. The flashings, guttering, windows and doors are all an exact colour match with the anthracite grey everything else with our house is. He picked out the actual RAL colour code so it will be identical colours.
So the sides and roof are on so just the finishing to go now.
It looks big! I bet he is really pleased with it. A proper man-cave!

27th September

Well, today I'm going back to work.

As I left for work, this is the current report of progress on the garage. It should be completed tomorrow!

Once I've had breakfast I will have a full 3 doses of amoxicillin in me and so it should hopefully start having an effect.
I have already been told I am a bit thick...! I'm obviously not back to full health, but I'm feeling better in myself and all my ribs don't hurt from coughing now. It is more a tickle.
But I am so so tired. I am debating about going for a walk at lunch or a nap... I think it might be more of a coin toss at the time as to what I actually end up doing!

In a way, I feel like my cough is clearing up a little. Well, it has definitely 'dried up'. It isn't like I'm rattling as much and not hacking away.

I went for a walk in the end. I managed to walk a mile in total. My lungs hurt but I wanted to try and get them working more to their capacity rather than coughing and shallow breathing all the time. I don't know if this might worsen me or improve how I'm feeling. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
It was also surprisingly warm at the time - in the low twenties!

I am literally counting down the days now. Just another 6 working days once this day is over.

In the evening I was too tired to even decide what to watch on TV and so Caz picked a show with Rob Bell, our favourite engineer presenter!
This programme was about the Mary Rose. This was the ship owned by Henry the VIII. It was sunk in the Solent.
The show investigated how the sinking came about when it is meant to be such a stable ship and it went through some of the recovery dives to collect the remnants of the vessel and items from the ship.
Quite interesting or at least Rob Bell makes it interesting with his enthusiasm!

28th September

A few of my joints feel achy again today. I'm still fairly tired and this cough is lingering on.
I had a sleep on my lunch break and I only have 5 working days left!

The garage is finished!
The builders are going to try and see their mate who is still in hospital after his emergency trip there a week ago. Then onwards to home in Newcastle-upon-Tyne.
It is quite dark now so I can't quite see the garage. I'll have to look at it in the morning!

I decided, for the first time in a while, to paint my nails!
I just went for a pearlescent pink colour. It has been an age since I last 'pampered' myself. I am debating about getting Shellac nails and maybe toes before I go in to deliver my baby girl. I just want to feel as 'nice' as can be. I know I will be a sweaty, tired but happy mess afterwards but I want to do something for me as a last hurrah before everything as about my mini-me!

29th September

When I woke up, I went to let Walter out of the utility and he swiftly ran back upstairs with me and settled down really quickly to snuggles!

Today, it is my parent's wedding anniversary. It is 33 years I think but I have kind of lost count now! It might actually be 34 years... I am 33 this year so they would have waited to have me with being Christian. So it must be 34 years!
I bought them a bunch of flowers and made a card for them.
I had debated about buying a plain glass vase and then using my stained glass paints to do a design on it but I've just not been up to it lately, unfortunately.

We popped over with the flowers and card and they offered us tea and chocolate swiss roll. They didn't have much planned for today - just the usual dog walk!
But we had a good chat and caught up with various news and that.

We did encounter a little difficulty at one point. My Mum keeps pronouncing my baby's name incorrectly. Jesse. It isn't difficult. It isn't Jess. It is Jesse. It was like a punch to the stomach when she said it. I described it to Caz as if I had a volcano within me that was imminently about to erupt. I instantly corrected my Mum. When she said Jess again a few minutes later I louder said 'It is Jesse'.
I know my Mum wants to acknowledge Jesse, but in a way, if you are going to say their name wrong then I'd rather she just forgot Jesse even happened. It would be gentler on my heart that way.

We then went over to Caz's family to have dinner.
His Mum, Step-Dad, sister and Nain we all there so it was nice to see them. We had some good catching up and Elaine, Caz's Mum, gave us some craft projects she had been working on for our baby - a bag to hang in the wardrobe with bunny and balloons on the print, two little drawstring bags with a ballet dancer printed on them which could be ideal as PE bags or for some after-school classes for the future perhaps and a teeny tiny knitted cardigan.

We had been told from the beginning of our pregnancy that our baby would be small and early. The obstetrician predicted a birth in September. This month finishes tomorrow so I don't think that is going to happen now!
So we have gone from expecting a very premature baby to knocking on the door of full term! We've done so well and baby girl is growing perfectly - right on target.
I look forward to proving the doctors very wrong indeed!

30th September

As per most weekends lately, this one is a relaxed and quiet one.

We finished watching the F1 qualifying during breakfast.
I then washed my hair, put a load of bedding on to wash and then settled down to do some crafting.

I made 2 new jewellery crafts.
One was an autumnal bunch of twigs pendant:

The other is an autumnal coloured spider pendant. Caz thought the spider looked creepy but I like him. It's mostly legs, obviously!

I also saw a simple craft project in a magazine to make gift tags or placenames. So using washi tape and a craft knife I decorated some tiny wooden pegs. They look really quite effective.

When I bought this glittery tape I also bought some animal print ones. I am thinking of using the animal print washi tape to decorate 9 or 12 pegs to make a photo collage in our Baby's room. I'm thinking of putting a progress photo for each month we progressed through and a baby scan photo on each row. I want to attach the photos using the pegs to some twine that is suspended between two branches that I'll saw from one of our trees in the garden!

I've also started a second Christmas cross-stitch! This one is a little more simple - no lazy daisy stitches and no fractional stitches! It is just a holly wreath with a message around the edge in a straight stitch and backstitch to outline everything.
Here's what the first Christmas cross-stitch ended up looking like:

I think it will look nice to have this cross-stitch and the other one in small embroidery hoops and popped on the wall during the festivities. They can always replace another frame or photo from the wall during that season.

Doing the cross stitch also got me thinking why didn't I create a baby arrival one for my Jesse? It could be a good excuse to try my hand at some embroidery as that looks so effective and professional.
I could have bunting at the top of the hoop and also feature butterflies and stars. In the centre would be "Jesse Massey" and the date they came into our lives.
I can then, when I have the energy, create one for this baby once they are here. I'd use a similar design but perhaps a unicorn and mermaid on instead of the butterfly and stars. Or perhaps a cat? I imagine baby girl and Walter might be best buddies - often found snuggling up to one another. He is the sweetest cat. I hope he lives up to our expectations with our baby. Obviously, we'll always supervise and never leave him alone with her, always making sure we know where he is and that he isn't trying to sit on her head/face like he does to us when we are lying in bed!

We then watched the F1 race from Russia. Verstappen came all the way from the back to come really far up the grid come the end. There were a few manoeuvres that made me shout out a bit! One was when Vettel moved under braking. That was a bit of a heart in the mouth moment.

Later in the evening, we started watching 999: The Front Line. It seemed to follow a few different services but mostly focussed on the ambulance service in the parts we watched.

I remember seeing a clip online from one of the episodes where there was a call about a child who had stopped breathing and had suspected cardiac arrest. That is like the highest of all priorities and most critical of calls you can receive. The crew raced to the address but the occupants said they hadn't called an ambulance. The police then got involved and escorted the ambulance to a similar address nearby. Again, nothing. The call was traced to a mobile from a supermarket. No one was found there and then the phone was found to be switched off. It was a prank call.
The ambulance crew looked drained and devastated. You build up this adrenaline to enable you to respond to an emergency but then have nowhere for it to release. The driver buried his head in his hands and looked really emotional. Why would people waste these guys' time? They could be dealing with actual emergencies and not going on wild goose chases. It was really shocking.

October is baby loss awareness month, with the 9th to 15th of the month being baby loss awareness week. On the 15th there will be a wave of light to remember all the lost babies. At 7pm, local time, you light a candle for at least an hour to show that these babies mattered and aren't forgotten.
So I will be posting along that theme a lot more for the next 31 days.

Week 32

17th September

Well, I feel minging but not awful with this cold. So into work I go.

Dinner tonight was Dominos because why not!

I installed a new game on Steam tonight - The Stanley Parable. It was really quite funny!
You are Stanley and you work a desk job and do exactly as the monitor of your computer tells you to do. What to press, when to have a break. Then one day, you realise you haven't had any instructions for ages. So you venture out of your office. No one else is around.
You can roam the corridors and you can attempt to escape, but can you?!
I literally think there was a different outcome on the tens of times I attempted the game! The narrator gets increasingly more frustrated with you and more ponderous with each further escape attempt.
Surreal but really good!

We watched a show about Brexit with an interview with the PM.
Interesting, frustrating.

Learnt: To keep cracking on. I only have a few more days left, I might as well try and keep going until the end.
Feel: Despite feeling grim, but better than yesterday, I still went to work. Normally, I might have made excuses not to go.
Proud: That I can power through when needed, especially knowing I'm not putting myself at risk as I have a day off tomorrow to catch up on rest.

18th September

I feel like shite.
So drained, cough, sore throat, joints ache, diarrhoea.

I had another blood test this morning so I'm not holding out hope at it being much good with my body definitely currently fighting something off.
The screen in the waiting room was broken.

Afterwards, I went to The Range and bought more crafty things - lots of beads and card supplies to keep me going for a while and for a really good price!

There has been a drive-thru Starbucks at a local garage on the dual carriageway for a month or so now but for some reason, I haven't yet been.
Pumpkin spice latte it is!

I watched some episodes of Reign before I needed to be at my next stop.

Today is my follow-up psychology appointment.
I'm feeling a lot more balanced lately. Nothing is overwhelming, nothing is getting me down and stopping me from moving forward.
I basically just brought up about Caz and his health and how that is quite concerning but there is obviously no point worrying about it now as we don't have a proper diagnosis yet.
I also said about epidural and giving birth. Birth is a completely natural and normal process for women. But as it needs to be done in the hospital, I'm associating it with being really unwell. The epidural is scaring me too. To lose control of your legs and need a catheter really take me back to my transplant operation.
I was confined in bed for about 48 hours after that op and needed a catheter, a morphine drip, a blood transfusion, a port in my neck for doing treatment, a drain to make sure there was no fluid building up around the surgery. It brings it all back and is a bit scary. Mind over matter though no doubt. I've been through worse so I can do this.

I met Caz at the Llangefni hospital and we went to our first antenatal class!
There were about 10 couples there in all.
This time it was about signs of labour, tens machine, birthing balls, keeping active in labour and the various positions you can take up to give birth as well as suitable snacks for keeping you going during labour.
Next week it will be more about breastfeeding, nappies and caring for the baby. I might actually feel like I will learn something next time. I had read up all about labour and the birth so knew what they would cover.

I couldn't manage my dinner in the evening. I am just feeling so achy and miserable.
Literally, after I left the antenatal class I felt awful. Tomorrow is my maternity leaving lunch and I don't want to miss it! Hopefully with a lot of rest tonight I should be able to go in tomorrow.

Learnt: My mental health seems to be improving and I'm able to locate similar experiences that I've been through before that help me get over hurdles now.
Feel: Pleased and reassured that I'm much more level-headed, especially with others. If I can't control it I let it go and don't waste my energy on it with worry.
Proud: That I know that although I might encounter difficulties that I'm able to find an inner strength to continue.

19th September

I made it in!
I feel a lot better just full of sniffles and coughs. At least the achiness has passed.

I spotted a rainbow form my desk, maybe a good sign?!

Lunch was really nice. I was taken there by Christine along with Jo and Donna.
It was so windy!

Who knew that such a lovely restaurant can be nestled in a caravan park!
The restaurant is called Signatures and the lunch menu was amazing!
https://www.darwinescapes.co.uk/parks/aberconwy-resort-spa/signatures-restaurant/menus/

The building looks lovely, it is pretty much right by the sea so a beautiful setting with views of the mountains.
When I walked in there was a long table booked for our crowd and two helium balloons! One was massive pick balloon saying "It's a girl" and the other a smaller blue "sorry you are leaving" balloon. It was quite a surprise!

The waiting staff were really pleasant and friendly and our food came pretty quickly as we had preordered.

I went for Fish and Chips. The chips were hand-cut, triple cooked chips and were really lovely! I don't usually like chunky chips but these were the nicest I'd had.
Others went for paninis, other mains and even quesadillas. Quite a lot of choice!

It was a nice relaxed lunch but as I was relying on a lift it did drag on to an hour and a half in the end. I will come in early tomorrow to make up for it.

Learnt: That people do actually care about me.
Feel: Surprised that people are fond of me and want the best for me.
Proud: That my leaving lunch wasn't just me and the immediate girls but a whole variety of people! It is nice to leave knowing people think highly of me.

20th September

I came in for 07:30 this morning. That felt difficult as I'm feeling really tired and starting to feel more poorly now.

I had a catch up with Rob and that went well.
He says he is pleased for me and that I've come this far with my baby.
I talked about my objectives from this year and how they were set when I was still working for the operations team but now I'm seconded to the BP project. In his mind, he feels I've achieved 100% of my objectives despite this.

Also, he said he thought highly of me returning to work after the miscarriage and then carrying on with my new pregnancy but still tackling issues head-on. I'm a tough cookie you see. I don't give up easily. I won't be defeated. He mentioned how I'm still a very conscientious member of staff and help out where I can when no one else is around or where there are gaps in the knowledge and I never seem to just switch off from my old role. I forward emails that come directly to me, I check things have been followed up, I come up with new suggestions.
I guess it is ingrained in me now really!

I mentioned my worry that there isn't a role to return to. That Dave came in as a replacement for me and Patricia has also stepped in to fill the gaps.
But Rob said he would be over the moon if I decided to return and come back to my old position.
I'm not sure that will happen. I want to see how life feels first before I make any decisions, but it is good to know my options.
Other options include part-time working, reducing responsibilities or remaining on secondment to Tom's team. Time will tell.

Learnt: That I'm still an appreciated member of the team.
Feel: Verified in what I do and the fact that I care about my quality of work.
Proud: That I still have it in me to work at a higher level with more responsibilities, should I choose to.

21st September

Good Lord, I feel a mess. I'm taking today off.

But I've seen this so can't all be bad.

Caz has managed to swap days off with his colleague as he is feeling the cold creeping in too. He is making me go to the GP today as it is coming up to the weekend and it'd be better to be seen now than before I start to get really quite ill.
We saw Dr Catrin. I do but don't like her. She is very matter of fact which in some circumstances can seem heartless. But this is just a cold so I'm sure she can handle it.
She listened to my chest, checked my throat and it doesn't seem like it is a chest injection yet and not flu.
But she has prescribed me some antibiotics, just in case. I've been told to take them if I get worse or am bringing up lots of mucus.
I'm not a doctor so how do I know when I reach that point? It seems a bit stupid really to prescribe something but not be able to hand it to you and leave the decision in your hands.

I took the prescription around to the pharmacy. But they couldn't dispense it as it was a 'deferred' prescription so I can only put it in after a certain date. Stupid Dr.

The people who are building the garage should have turned up this afternoon.
Later on, Caz had a phone call from one of them.
They were on route from Newcastle on Tyne and had to pull over as the one took ill. It got to the point where this lad needed an ambulance and got taken to Lancaster Hospital.
It turns out he has an ulcer and needs to stay in the hospital for an operation.
So the driver had to go back home, pick up another lad and come down to us! What an eventful journey!
Can't fault them for that though. They did what was needed in the situation.

As I'm going to achieve exactly zero things in the next few days with this cold/virus, I will leave off the learnt/feel/proud section for now, until I can start to feel I've actually done something again.

22nd September

The builders arrived!

I think I might be feeling a little brighter in myself.

I did a few little bits of craft - I made a card for my parent's anniversary that is coming up on the 29th of September, I wrapped Elin's birthday present and I created little snowman pompoms. They should look really cute, especially once I've had a chance to stick on some eyes and buttons!

23rd September

I don't feel any better today.
My sleep is going downhill. I find when I'm lying down that the mucus settles and it ends up wheezing and rattling causing a coughing fit.
I had to end up sleeping propped upright on pillows. That is so uncomfortable - to sleep upright. My bum hurts from the pressure put on it and my neck aches from my head lilting off to one side!

I decided, for the first time in ages, to do a bit of cross-stitch.

The first kit I picked up from my supplies smelt bad. It was donated to me from a colleague at work. But her family smokes. The thread, the Aida, it all smells of smoke. I don't know if I can wash them or just put Fabreeze on them to make them smell better. But it was just making me feel sick and I knew the smell would seep into my fingers and never go away.

So I dug out the next kit I had - a Christmas one.
Little did I know how complicated it would be.
Walter is a good little craft buddy!

Along with a small amount of actual cross-stitch, there were backstitches and French Knots (I'd done these before so just needed to remind myself how to go about it) but also 'lazy daisy' and fractional stitches.
Lazy daisy looks quite effective. You essentially create a loop and tether it down with a little stitch. It makes wonderful petals and leaves.
The fractional ones take a little bit more to get my head around. The can be quarter, half or three-quarter stitches. So you end up having to push the needle through parts which aren't holes in the fabric. It is like you are going against the grain and forcing it to happen.
I do get why they exist, it does make it look nicer when you come to outline rather than having overhanging stitches, it all seems a little neater.

I think, despite being 3-inches by 3-inches, that it will take a little longer to complete than I originally thought!

Week 31

10th September

I received a phone call while I was at work. It was the secretary to my renal consultant - Dr Alejmi.
She was just trying to squeeze me in to see the consultant on Wednesday as I haven't seen him in weeks now. His clinic is full but he will have a quick chat and catch up with me in the renal department instead of the outpatients' clinic.
It is good to feel important and worthy of being shoehorned in. At least I don't get forgotten or overlooked that way!

I know it is like 15 weeks away from Christmas but it will be here before we know it! I bought a Christmas magazine! In there are recipes, ideas on how to plan Christmas to keep it stress-free and also a whole bunch of craft ideas from simple to slightly more complex.
It was a good inspiration and I might try and make a Christmas bunting with padded sewn stars. That would combine two of the craft ideas - one which showed you how to make padded fabric sewn stars as table names or gift tags and a felt bunting idea.

Today is one of my cousin's birthday - Cecile. I haven't seen her in years now but family is family and I wished her a happy birthday if only via Facebook. I also noted that in lieu of presents, she was raising money for a charity of her choice - Save the Children.
"For my birthday this year, I'm asking for donations to Save the Children UK. I've chosen this non-profit because their mission means a lot to me, and I hope that you'll consider contributing as a way of celebrating with me. Every little bit will help me reach my goal."
In total, she managed to raise a respectable £30. I'm proud to say I did help contribute towards that. It might be an expensive time for me with preparing for a baby but a charity close to someone's heart is a charity worth donating to.

I've taken to reading on my lunch breaks. It is a nice bit of escapism. I'm continuing to read through Hunger Games and am easily digesting a chapter in my break. I am really enjoying it so far.
I found myself knowing a lot of detail about the characters, important to me, but I found myself picturing Katniss as myself?! Perhaps it is the bit of therapy I need to realise I am brave and strong because of what I've been through in life. Not as I had been thinking that I'm weak for having brought on these events. I'm strong.

A few days ago, it popped up on my 'memories' a photo of myself from a year ago.
It was from when I met up with a work friend, Patricia at James Pringle Weavers' for coffee, cake and a catchup. This was 3-weeks after my miscarriage.
I'd washed, dressed and put on a smile to meet her and although it was difficult and I felt anxiety from being away from my comfort zone of home, I did enjoy meeting up and talking openly about how I was feeling.

My first thought on seeing the photo pop-up - how brave it was to get up and show up when I was still in pain. The bleeding hadn't long stopped from my miscarriage and I was hurting emotionally. But when people reach out to you, you know you have a friend for life there and so you go to them. You take comfort in them and accept their support.

I am always defensively proud and hate to let my barriers down and dignity go. So please know that if someone in pain doesn't reach out to you, touch base with them. Maybe they are waiting for someone to ask them how they are, how they really are. They don't want to trouble others or be a burden, but in reality, they desperately need someone to even just be with them not even to say a word but just be.

When I got home a book was waiting in my mailbox - "Your No Guilt Pregnancy Plan: A revolutionary guide to pregnancy, birth and the weeks that follow".
I will move on to that once I've finished "The Food of Love: Your Formula for Successful Breastfeeding". On first glance, it sounds a very down to earth guide and looks like it will help me just relax into motherhood rather than having too high expectations of myself.

It's just over a week now until my maternity leaving lunch at work. At first, I was a bit hesitant about. I thought there might be 4 of us in total - me and the immediate people I work with on my pod of desks. But I think it sounds like it might be a little more popular than that...!

I had mentioned the other day about dabbling in the idea of setting up my own homemade craft business.
I have debated about using Jesse's name in the company name somewhere or perhaps adding in this baby's name and have it as something I do for my babies. But I also have a bit of a fun side, not everyone sees or realises this! So I am also looking into names that are puns or a play on themes around what I will be creating. It gives some food for thought!

I recently signed up to a 'pregnancy summit' with key speakers about all things pregnancy on a variety of topics. It started this week but I've realised I'm possibly at saturation level for information now and it feels a bit much to try and take on-board anymore. So much you hear about pregnancy is just 'wing it' and that you'll learn as you go!

It is Elin's birthday coming up in 15 days time. I sent Caz some ideas about what I think she might like so he is having a look at them.
I also offered to make something for her, but he said with it being so close to the baby he doesn't want to put on any extra pressures on me. But she's my sister-in-law! I know she'd do anything for me and I want to do the same for her. But maybe another year...

Learnt: That despite not being fully back to health, I am able to push that aside due to love to help Caz
Feel: Reassured that when I'm feeling tired and drained with a newborn that I'll be able to push through it.
Proud: That my love for Caz is strong. We've gone through good and bad times but we always just group together and help one another through the difficult patches. That is a real relationship.

11th September

This morning didn't feel productive at all. I was working happily away and then all the systems went on a go slow. They were timing out and just generally being a nuisance!

I'm really enjoying reading on my lunch break now. I used to do this a lot but I stopped for whatever reason. I guess I started to eat in the canteen and ended up sitting with others. But since my miscarriage, I haven't done that. I feel it is probably too awkward or difficult for others. I know people sometimes struggle to talk to me, finding the right words or not knowing what to say. So I just figured maybe it was easier to remove myself and make the situation easier for everyone else.
I just tend to drive to the beach carpark now, read or watch something on YouTube or even do a meditation or have a nap before going back to work again.
I sometimes eat on my lunch too but mostly I eat when I get back. I've had a break, that is the important thing.

I heard from Caz as he phoned his private consultant to chase up wherein the process everything was.
We had been told that he would be having his scan in the next 3 weeks. But after talking to the secretary, she said that the consultant is quite 'out of touch' and the waiting time is more like 12 weeks. I feel annoyed so I figure Caz will be feeling mightily frustrated over this development. You think you are almost at the next hurdle, but then it is moved further away from you.

Recently, we have been trying out some different veggie foodstuffs. There is a company called Vivera and they do a selection of vegetarian 'meat'.
In recent weeks we have gone through a lot of their products - pulled pork, steak, burgers and the final one we wanted to try was some kebab style meat.
I wanted to recreate the style of kebab we had when we were in Berlin - the kebab capital!
I bought a bloomer loaf of bread that was flavoured with 3-cheese, some salad, halloumi and also aioli dip to put in the bread.
It may not have been perfect or exactly as the Berlin kebabs but I think it probably is as close as you can get! I enjoyed it anyway! I probably overdid the food as even Caz had to give up eating it as he was so full!

I've been ploughing through that breastfeeding book I bought - Food of Love. It is definitely helping to normalise the process. I have to admit I don't think I've ever even been in the company of someone breastfeeding before, never mind even knowing anyone that has done it. It is taking away some of the fear and mystery of it. I definitely want to at least give it my best shot.

We've also bought and are giving a baby video monitor a test run! The camera is watching Walter sleep in the utility room!

Learnt: That sometimes you need to just eat what you fancy.
Feel: Satisfied with what I rammed into my tummy!
Proud: That I didn't care as much about the calorie count and just wanted to eat my feast!

12th September

Almost immediately on waking this morning, I had an epic nosebleed. It went everywhere. My hands, legs, the bed, the carpet. I was fumbling around trying to get a tissue out of the box when it just literally poured everywhere.
What surprised me was how I reacted. I was super scared. But not for my health/life but because of what possible reactions Caz could have to me bleeding everywhere. I felt awful. I was worried he would be annoyed. I started to have a panic attack and hyperventilate while I was trying to stem the blood flow. Both lasted for a good few minutes.

Caz wasn't annoyed. He just wanted to help me. He got the Fabreeze stain remover and blotted it on the bed and carpet and surprisingly it came out just fine. He wanted to help me clean up my hands and legs but I felt ashamed and just wanted to cry.

I think this sort of reaction stems back from me expecting how my parents might have reacted. If I knocked over, for example, a cup of tea accidentally it wasn't "don't worry, it was just an accident, lets clean this up" but I would get really shouted at and feel petrified.
It made me think, I want to be gentle with my child. I want her to never be scared of me. I want her to respect me and realise I do know best and know what is good for her. I want to, when it is needed, to convey my disappointment. Surely, disappointing someone you respect encourages someone to develop and try not to repeat this again.
But I'd never make her feel scared to hold her hands up and say it was an accident.

Later in the morning, I went for my blood test appointment which Caz and I swiftly followed with coffee and cake in the Dunelm cafe! Rewards for good behaviour!

We had our 32 weeks ultrasound scan and baby girl is looking wonderful!
She is head down and hiding her face so no seeing her now I think. She is probably going to remain illusive now until we get to actually meet her! They estimated she was about 3lb 12oz - a good weight for the stage we are at.

At the obstetric appointment, we saw a different consultant - Dr Majeed. I think Dr Clark is off now for an ovarian cyst operation. Dr Majeed was really quite sweet and was making sure I'm resting enough.

We then made our way through to the renal department and met up with Dr Alejmi and Rebecca. All seems to be going okay thankfully!

When we got back home, we ate something quick and then went up for a nap. This morning really took it out of us!

Learnt: It's okay to achieve nothing or at least allow yourself to rest and recover
Feel: More at ease without putting all these additional pressures on myself
Proud: I'm able to say no to tasks and chores and just do what my body and mind needs

13th September

It is crazy how quickly time is flying by now and that in less than a week's time it is my 'maternity leaving lunch'. 1 week to go after that and then I'll be going off on my maternity leave!
I've found out there are lots coming to the lunch and I'm really grateful and pleased they want to celebrate my little occasion (that feels like a massive milestone). I'm surprised but pleased at my body at being able to grow a baby this far. I had really given up all hope in my body after the miscarriage last year. I just thought my body was too stupid and didn't know what to do. But so far, so good.

I popped to Aldi after work as I'd seen some of their special buys and I really wanted to make sure I got some!
I bought some fat quarters to get me inspired in more sewing craft and then also bought baking ingredients so I could make the latest bake-off specials!

In the post, I received a certificate and letter for the money we raised and donated to SANDS the stillbirth and neonatal death charity.
I feel really proud at what we've been able to do. It wasn't much, but it all helps in some way.

Learnt: Blogging is good to clear the mind but also very draining
Feel: When my thoughts go down on paper they aren't left spinning through my mind
Proud: I was able to focus and get through difficult queries from 'Saying Goodbye' book and on to my blog. Those tasks are done now and I can forget about them. It is all a process I have to go through to heal. I won't be completely mended but I'll be a new me.

That reminds me of: "Kintsugi, also known as Kintsukuroi, is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-e technique. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise."

14th September

I've found out that last night my manager put his name down for my leaving lunch. He'd left it to the last minute but I think he felt pressured into going as lots of people were going apart from my manager.

Turns out that this morning he has pulled his booking and won't be coming.

I feel really saddened that my manager won't be there. We haven't really seen eye to eye the whole time but I've worked for him for 2-3 years now and thought things had improved. Obviously not.

I know, looking back, all my former managers would have gone and they might have even paid for my meal!
But not with my current one, unfortunately.

I think it didn't bode well when we both applied for the supervisor role and he pipped me to the post. I was quite relieved, eventually, and glad I didn't have all the additional responsibilities at that time in my life. Good in hindsight that I wasn't successful either as I had to take a fair chunk of time out of work in the last 12 months and so it just wouldn't have worked. But I think Rob felt that maybe I would resent him for beating me to it. I also think perhaps he was worried if he made any mistakes that I was sat there ready to take control. That was never the case though. Maybe initially, but after big life events happen your priorities change.

Shame, but what is done is done.

I started to tempt fate and looked up Pandora charms as a potential gift to my baby for when she is old enough. It is something I can add to on special occasions and when we give it to her, it can truly be quite special!

We got a letter in the post, finally, about Caz's CT scan!
It is tomorrow in the evening!

To idly pass the time in the evening, we watched one of the practices from F1.

Learnt: To know how to pick my battles.
Feel: Disappointed that my manager won't go to my leaving do but I also don't care enough to fight for him to be there. It'll be a waste of energy. Everyone I like and care about is going and those people are the ones worth investing time and energy with.
Proud: That I can't be bothered to be petty. I'm just going to continue to be polite. I've never had issues with any management before but he's made it his mission to make my life difficult. I've never had any malice or hatred towards him, misunderstandings maybe and not liking change perhaps as my previous managers were wonderful!

15th September

I woke up with a bit of a sore throat this morning... I'm tackling it with hot lemon and honey drinks.

Today is my Dad's birthday!
We met up at The Holland Arms garden centre. My Mum and Dad had afternoon tea together and Caz and I chose a cream tea. The funny thing is that they didn't have any scones left so we had to pick a slice of cake instead for our cream tea. Not really cream tea without some cream now, is it!

Dad seemed to like the Kindle case that I made and gifted him! I did print out a true to size Kindle and stick it to some card so he got the gist of what it was, just in case!

Caz had his scan. We went to the x-ray department and found our way to the relevant reception - there is a reception for CT scans and another for MRIs.
I settled down in the waiting room, got my book out and was only a few pages along when Caz came back. I thought he was bringing me his wallet or phone to keep hold of. But no, he was finished!
They did say it could take anything from 5 to 45 minutes depending on what needed to be scanned.

He said it was quite uncomfortable. He had to lie flat on the slab, with his arms stretched up above his head and push his belly out as far as he could. That definitely set off his pains again. But at least it should hopefully show up his hernia, if that is what it is, on the scan.
The report should be with the consultant within 10-14 days. So Caz will start chasing if he doesn't hear anything by then.

Learnt: How to be brave for others.
Feel: I'm scared about Caz's scan and what diagnosis it might be. I'm hopeful that it is a hernia but there's always this nagging 'what it'. He's my rock, my support, my strength and the brains! I'm used to being the sick one, not to him being unwell. I don't like the tables being turned but I'm here for him. I'll help in every practical way and listen to what is on his mind.
Proud: I can put my worries behind me and focus on what's important - my Husband.

16th September

How has my sore throat already developed into a cough?! It feels like it is settling on my chest already, especially when I lie down.

We went on a tour of the labour ward today in the hospital.
Everyone met at 3pm by the lifts on the 1st floor of the maternity building. A midwife came out and gathered us to take us around the antenatal ward first. She said when you phone up and then come in with labour pains that you'll be assessed in the midwife section of the labour ward before being either sent home or put in the antenatal ward to progress enough before coming back through to where you will give birth.
There are a couple midwife run rooms where if you have no issues you can give birth in here. These literally look like hotel rooms. They were lovely.
The labour rooms were a little more clinical but still bright and vibrant. The bed may be in the middle of the room but you are encouraged to not stay on it the whole time.
Once you have given birth you are back through to the antenatal ward with your baby until you are ready to go home.

I was quite impressed with how it all seems. There is a theatre within the labour ward so should any issues crop up, they can just wheel you down the corridor.
There was also an SCBU but for any more serious problems with the baby, you would be transferred to another hospital with more specialised care.

I also liked how they encouraged active births, to use the bed as little as possible, that they as a standard procedure do delay cord clamping. Literally, everything I wanted to talk to my midwife about for the birthplace they already seem to do!
There are also two water birth rooms but we were unable to see them as they were in use.

Seeing this has reassured us both. Caz now knows where to park to drop me off and where I need to go and I know that it isn't quite as daunting as I expected.

The only thing that troubled me is that it is right by the Ffrancon ward where I went to be assessed after my miscarriage and also again this time when I had bleeding early on in this pregnancy.
It seems strangely cruel to put a gynaecological ward right by the birthing suites. I didn't notice or realise it at the time, but to go in pregnant, have a miscarriage and then leave seeing all these pregnant women and happy babies just seems horrible. It made me tear up just seeing it again.

When we got home, we watched the Singapore GP.

I had a few grumpy moments with Caz over my Mum. She can be a bit overbearing. But when I start to complain and get frustrated with something Caz always assumes I'm mad at him...
I get super frustrated when my Mum says she 'understands' and 'sympathises' with how I'm feeling worried about this baby after last time.
To me understand is to have been through something too. Sympathise is to have past experience of similar or the same.
Empathise is a possible thing my Mum could feel, but she never gets it. It's the terminology she picks and it really annoys me.
I sent her these quotes to try and explain it:

She still doesn't get why I'm annoyed despite sending these.

Learnt: Knowledge is power.
Feel: More informed and calmer about going to the hospital to give birth.
Proud: I wasn't too overwhelmed, especially when I clocked Ffrancon ward... 😢