Week 19

18th June

Well, for my Monday morning I wanted to get the worst bit over and done with so I could just enjoy the rest of the week. I went to the hospital and had my blood tests for clinic later this week.
There was literally 1 parking space left in the car park. I could see it from the road. When I drove through the car park I couldn't work out where it was, it was such a small space! One car had parked on an angle and a van was pretty much on its divider line. I gave it a crack! I reverse into spaces better than forwards and it worked. I was only going to be 10 or 15 minutes max so it didn't actually cause anyone any grief.

As you know, I always get nervous in the run up to appointments. I just tend to think the worst. In a way, maybe that is good as I am preparing for bad news. So I can then feel relieved afterwards when actually everything is okay. Plus, if it is actually bad news then I am prepared. Although nothing really prepares you for that. It is still a shock to the system when you hear it. You are hit by shock and cry or feel denial. But the majority of the time, I needn't have worried and it all turns out fine.

I made dinner tonight as we were sure if Caz was going to pop over to his parents to collect a bookcase and tallboy set of drawers.
Turns out it didn't happen today and will actually go down tomorrow. But I made a really nice smoked mackerel macaroni cheese bake. I cooked the pasta in boiling water with a little bit of olive oil and a pinch of sea salt in the water. Not sure if that makes any difference but I feel more like a proper chef.
I started a roux for the cheese sauce (butter and flour) before adding the milk bit by bit while stirring to ensure no lumps. I added a teaspoon of wholegrain mustard and a few shakes of paprika. I skinned the mackerel fillets and added them to the milk mixture to poach before grating in a tonne of mature cheddar.
I drained the pasta and put it in an ovenproof dish, poured the fish and cheese sauce over the pasta, added some peas that I cooked in the microwave and then topped it all with crushed Doritos (I had no breadcrumbs!) which I added some oregano and black pepper to) and covered it in cheese to bake for about 20 minutes until it was all bubbling.
Super tasty!

19th June

I went for a walk at lunch and saw this. I didn't like the cut of his jibe. I don't even really know what it was? A slug? A chrysalis for some caterpillar?

A few days ago, I ordered a meditation stool. I was finding practice at home not as comfortable as I'd hoped. 

I can't lie down on my back being past a certain point in my pregnancy, I fall asleep if I lie on my side, I still try and nod off if I sit in a chair and I find my back muscles get really tense and sore if I sit too long unsupported in a chair (you have to sit forwards a bit so you are 'active' and not just resting your body or slumping). 

But I found my late conversion to meditation stools a revelation. They encourage a great posture and aren't at all tough on the knees in my opinion. 

I ordered the stool from a carpenter in Liverpool on Etsy. He does some other really lovely items related to prayer and meditation too.

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/Fraximus

Well, the stool arrived today. 

It was packaged away in a neat little box, perfectly protected with bubble wrap. 

It is so tactile! The curves and edges are so smooth. The knots of wood look so intriguing. Even the smell of the stain is inviting.

I have set it up, for now, in what we seem to refer to as the 'playroom', well it will be once the baby is born and needs space for all the toys they will no doubt get!

The craftsmanship is just beautiful.

I realised today I have quite a momentous anniversary - it is 1 year since I moved my care from Glan Clwyd hospital to Ysbyty Gwynedd.
At the time, I really wasn't sure I was making the right decision. Was I rocking the boat? My health had been really stable for years and now I was tempting fate by changing the status quo by moving it to a new consultant and new hospital. But instead of having a return journey of 73.6 miles we would now just be going a mere 9.4 miles for a round trip.
Also, I find the kidney team really great. Obviously, there are zero complaints with the old team, but Rebecca in particular really seems to care and goes above and beyond so often for me. I really appreciate that and the little things from just checking up on me or asking if I need a psychologist and help after my miscarriage. She is such a guardian angel!
In this year, the team at Ysbyty Gwynedd have been through so much with me. I think it helped break the ice in a way, although there must be easier ways for it! I would have to go to the obstetrics in the local hospital so having the kidney care in a different hospital wouldn't have made sense.
Everything has worked out so well!

20th June

We had our obstetrics appointment today.
We did the usual tests of urine dipstick test, blood pressure and checking the baby's heartbeat. All perfect! The consultant was really happy with how it is all progressing and was pleased with the positive news from the cardiologist. They felt it was best to check out even if their gut instinct was it would be fine. She is a little apprehensive about me not having an appointment with the anaesthetist until mid to late September, as she and the midwife both said that I am viable from just 4 weeks time and 8 weeks I could easily be delivering the baby should I need to. Longer is better, but just in case things happen early then they will have to have a chat with the anaesthetist and bring that forward if possible.
We then have our anatomy scan on Monday and then scans booked for 24 and 28 weeks to check on how the baby's growth is going.

My kidney appointment was in the afternoon and I've actually decreased one of my medications! I am now on 100mg of Azathioprine and 3.0mg of Adoport. So, I said I'd need a prescription for more 1mg Adoport capsules and that will be ready for Friday.
My anaemia is picking up. After being in my boots with my haemoglobin at 77 it is now 94. That is a lot healthier. I definitely don't want to drop below this current figure now for the rest of the pregnancy.

All around, it was good news. I'm really relieved and hope I can keep on as well as I have been!

21st June

Urgh, I forgot to pack my medications in my bag for work today. The last time I did this was about 12 months ago. I do have a lot on which is my pathetic excuse. I actually did get the pills out of their blister packs and put them in a travel pot but I forgot to put the pot in my bag.
I popped home on an early lunch break to collect and take my pills.

I found Walter meowing up on a high windowsill when I visited home for my pills. He must have got spooked by something and scrambled up onto the log store and onto the windowsill. I managed to call him down and carried him in. He was so vocal! Meowing so loudly and constantly. I gave him some food and settled him down on the sofa so he could just chill and recover.
He was perfectly happy when we got home after work!

I'm eating a lot better now. I had been worrying I wasn't gaining enough weight and I was only having small meals before I felt extremely bloated.
But I'm cleared my plate for the last couple of days and practically removed the pattern from the crockery!
It's a lot more reassuring. My body just knows what it needs and now it needs a bit more food. Before it was clearly getting what it needed from what I was able to eat.

We have been catching up with Jools Holland... Later... recently. There are often ZERO bands and artists that even grab our attention. Most of the series so far this time has been absolute dross!
But then there is now and then someone who just sticks out as being flipping amazing.

22nd June

Today it is national bring your dog to work day!
There are 6 furry new starters in the office. Here are some pictures!

We are exactly halfway through our pregnancy today! I'm so shocked and overwhelmed. I never imagined in a million years that we'd get this far through.

Time to celebrate!

We went to Catch 22 in Valley. I'd heard some good things about this place, as had Caz. So we were quite excited to come here to try the menu.

I was really tempted to go for a tapas option from the 'to start' section of the menu. But in the end, we went for a three-course meal.

I had calamari to start (simply divine) and Caz had Thai fishcakes (very tasty). I couldn't resist good old fish and chips. They were able to accommodate me with a smaller portion and swapping out the chunky chips for skinny fries. Caz had a pork chop with pum munud tatws. 

I did picture Caz but he had his eyes closed... Typical!

We were really quite full but decided we could still manage a pudding. Caz was insistent on us having this amazing sampler of desserts. 

C22 chocolate selection box: Mars trifle, Picnic slice, Malteser ice cream, Crunchie, Milky bar brulée. 

Super tasty and indulgent! It is one of those you regret eating but you don't regret a thing as it was simply amazing!

23rd June

Today there are a couple of milestones that are triggering a few sad emotions.

Firstly, it is a year today since I found out I was pregnant the first time.
I remember the day. I had missed my period and now it was 2 days late. I hoped I was pregnant but as we had been trying for a year and a half I really didn't want to get my hopes up. I had peed on many sticks previously and all had been negative and then Aunt Flow came along to ruin my month.
But this time it said it was positive. I did a little squeal but as I did this in the toilets at work, I had to control my emotions. I just sent Caz a message saying "exciting news!"
I did worry a little as on the Sunday, Father's Day, we had a family BBQ to celebrate our Dads. I drank quite a few drinks - beer, slushy cocktails. I was quite tipsy. If I'd known that I was pregnant you would do things so differently.
I also worried about false positives. You hear about things like that and I was never sure what it meant but wondered if this might be one. Something to build my hopes up only to pull the rug out from under me again.
But to be honest, I never worried about losing our baby. It never really crossed my mind. I was obviously aware of miscarriage or stillbirth but it was something that happened in movies and I didn't think I knew anyone who had experienced it first hand. Or at least that is what I thought. It is such a taboo thing that it never gets mentioned. But when I lost my Jesse, people came out of the woodwork almost like with the "me too" that trended after all those sexual abuse claims came to light.
I'm glad I was able to 'enjoy' my pregnancy up until the time I lost them. I was naive and happy. It was great to be able to just take everything for granted and not have any doubt or worry in your mind.

The other event that made me a little upset is that it would have been my Grandpa's 89th birthday. This is my Dad's Dad. I loved him. He was a bit bi-polar and manic depressive but he was funny, sarcastic, loving and so similar to me in many ways. I think it will have been around 7 years since we lost Grandpa.

For whatever reason, I didn't sleep well at all last night. I was up and down a lot, lying in bed, I went to stare out of the window in the playroom for a bit and waved to the group of stars that is Cassiopeia the constellation where Jesse's star is. I felt them watching down at me and looking out for me and this baby. Jesse is going to be this baby's guardian angel and baby will always know about Jesse - their older sibling.

So, today, I spent the day watching Netflix.
Caz went out and met up with his Dad as there was a gala day at a local historic railway. They met at Porthmadog and travelled some of the line and looked at quite a few engines and model railways and such. They had a really good day! I like that they were able to spend some quality time together as Caz doesn't typically get to see his Dad much. He might be retired but he is always busy living life!

I was due to go to a morning of mindfulness that I had been really looking forward to, but with how I slept I knew I should rest. It will be held again next month and each month after that until November I understand. I will go to a future date when I am in a better frame of mind.

This little monkey looked after me and kept me company!

24th June

There was an Expectant Parent Event on at Mothercare in Llandudno this morning. We weren't sure what to expect but knew there would be some people speaking and goody bags!

The event started at 10am so it felt quite unusual to walk around a shopping centre before anything else was opened!
All the staff were ready and waiting at the entrance to Mothercare and gave us our goody bags, drinks and snacks. Caz had a banana and I chose some orange juice.

This was all the loot we had in our bags!

• PGtips voucher and a sample of decaf tea and another sample of a tea specially blended for dairy free options
• A box of Green & Blacks chocolates
• A voucher for 10% or 15% off at Mothercare
• A personal shopper offer for Mothercare
• Leaflets on caring for the baby
• Hypnobirthing information and a tealight
• Tommee Tippee pregnancy milestone cards
• Pregnancy multivitamins
• Intensive hand cream
• Herbal pregnancy tea samples from Fitness for wellbeing

They started with a demo of how to fit a car seat either with the seatbelt or with the Isofix base. They also showed how the car seat can easily clip on to some of the pram chassis frames. The prams were also demonstrated with how they swap out the cot to the pushchair bit and how they fold neatly.

Sleep safety was also explained.

Natasha from Fitness for Wellbeing did her spiel on exercise during and after pregnancy. She got a couple of the men to sit on wobble cushions to show how these can improve your posture and core muscles. She got us moving a little and improve our posuture and touched on nutritian and that now is not the time for a diet. She was so enthusiastic and full of energy! It was catching!

A lady from Conwy Hypnobirthing also did a quick talk about how hypnobirthing gives you the power to confidence and calmness during your birth. Plus how to apply these techniques for work or other situations in life afterwards. 

I do think hypnobirthing will really help me. I love my meditation practices and have found them so useful in controlling my emotions or at least making more sense of them. I am quite scared about birthing and labour. When people tell you their birthing stories it is always the worst bits they focus on. I've been told about placentas not being delivered and reattaching to their muscles before bleeding out weeks later. I've been told about cord accidents, babies delivered who were healthy only to get stuck and lack oxygen so they ended with cerebral palsy. You don't hear any of the good stories.
I know it will help me and so I am willing to pay to improve my experience. I'm hoping this is my one and only birthed child, so I want to make it as nice an experience as possible. The pregnancy itself has kept me a little on edge with bleeding and being told all the various risks I could expect. I want to at least have a little control, even if that control is accepting I have no control but being happy with that and going with the flow more easily. 

I've contacted Marie from Anglesey Hypnobirthing and am looking forward to hearing back from her about her services and how she might be able to help. Price doesn't really worry me. It will be worthwhile whatever the cost.

We then were free to play with any gear we were interested in and I think we might be nearing a decision with what car seat (Recaro Zero.1 Elite) and travel system we want (Caz has almost decided anyway!). I've mostly left it to Caz as he loves going through technical specifications and reading reviews and such. I just want to be involved in the final decision and dictate the colour and if I find the pram light and easy enough for me. It will be me after all who will use the pram the majority of the time.

We might have ordered Dominos for dinner as I really fancied pizza for lunch but the kebab shops weren't open yet. I'll stick to my healthy diet for the rest of the week and keep treats for weekends!

Walter was really cuddly in the evening! He was just chilling on my desk as I looked up various things from all the speakers from the event and updated this blog!

Week 18

11th June

Somehow, I've still managed to meditate today, 3 times! It just seems to really balance me and make me a little more level-headed. Caz was saying how I seem to be a bit more rational now and will take a step back from situations that previously wound me up, look at the options and then move forward. At least it is affecting me in positive ways.

I also managed to hit my step goal with my Garmin. I feel a lot better for keeping physically active during this pregnancy, even if it is only walking as the weather has been so hot. Last time, I had already begun to suffer from a bad back but so far (touches wood) I haven't even had a niggle yet apart from when I stand for long periods of time.

I can't remember if I said, but last week I received a text reminder about an upcoming appointment on the 15th of June. I didn't know a thing about this appointment. So I thought I would wait and see if an appointment letter would turn up after the weekend. Well, today, I finally had an appointment letter and it is for a cardiology appointment.
I feel really quite nervous about it. This appointment was booked by the obstetrician when I was last there on Wednesday. Seeming I have been squeezed in a week and a half later, it makes you think that there must be something to worry about...

Here is Walter looking sad with his little rat tail.
He managed to roll or sit in something so I dunked his rear in the sink and washed his tail! He hated it and walked around with his tail really low not quite knowing what to do with himself until it dried properly. The weather is really warm though so it only took about half an hour to dry - I did pat it dry too with a towel!
Serves him right for getting smelly!

12th June

At work, we were on our best behaviour as there were representatives to one of our biggest client's visiting today. I dressed smart, made sure the pod of desks I work on was free of excess boxes and clutter and made sure to be polite. I wasn't sure if I would need to demonstrate anything in particular, if at all. But it turns out I wasn't needed in the end, or at least I hope I wasn't. I went on my lunchtime at midday as per my usual routine!

Caz is covering the IT support team in Traswfynnydd this week. So I suggested he take his bike with him as there are multiple trails and good spots to cycle in that area. He went for a ride after work in the end. I believe it was the first cycle he has done this year. He so enjoys it so I don't know why he doesn't do this more often. Maybe he could start to go for the weekly shop on a Thursday perhaps and spend his Friday afternoon cycling as he finishes at 13:30.

As I knew Caz might be home late with cycling, I got him to text me when he was leaving and I put on some dinner. Nothing fancy or gourmet. I put on sweet potato fries, breaded fish fillet and sweetcorn with a cheese sauce. Nice and easy but also plenty of protein for replenishing tired bodies!

Tomorrow is my last mindfulness class. I will soon graduate from the 8-week training course! For the last session, we have to take something to show-and-tell that represents a bit of our personality. I took a finished cross-stitch design. I found cross-stitch sometime after my kidney transplant. It is great for mental health problems, in my opinion, as with busy hands your mind is unable to be busy too. I also find it ideal for helping the mild shakes I get in my hands from my medications.
I don't quite know if this is what they are expecting, but it was the first thing that came to mind so I thought I should go with my gut instinct.
The cross-stitch was complete but just needed a little tidying up. I hadn't put it in a frame or cut the excess material off. I had seen online another girl hot glue the excess material to the back of the frame so it is neat and sits perfectly against a wall when you hang it. I'm really quite happy with the result!

13th June

I am poorly sick. 😞 I've woken up with a stomach bug.
I can't believe this has happened with my last mindfulness session coming up tonight. I will see how I go. Unless I'm dying, there is no way I will miss tonight's session.

Walter is looking after me well!

I didn't go to work and kicked my self-care into gear.
I watched Netflix a lot of the day, had a bath, did a meditation session to help me deal with the stomach pains, drank plenty and made sure to keep eating little and often.

I'm making sure I go to the mindfulness session tonight. I really wouldn't want to miss it.
We started with the body scan. It is how we started the very first mindfulness class too! End how you started.
I definitely get more out of the meditations now and feel much more accepting and aware of my body sensations, my thoughts and feelings.
During the show and tell, people had either completely forgotten to bring anything to show or it was things like photographs or a necklace. One guy brought in some of his craft from his career as a carpenter. Another girl brought in joss sticks as she likes to set the scene and atmosphere before she starts to meditate.
People did seem to like the idea of my cross-stitch and why I use it as a therapy. I felt quite pleased!
Well, that is the end of a long journey. It was difficult but worthwhile. I'd highly recommend doing a mindfulness session or course if you ever get the chance.
We have the option to meet up once a month, in the same venue, now to keep our hand in.
One of the lads set up a Facebook Group for us to keep in touch and if we spot meditation events locally then we will share and try and encourage and motivate each other to keep on with our new habit.

14th June

I'm back in work today.
I'm so tired and my concentration levels are a bit slack... It hasn't been a productive day.

I have made up a bit of time in the last couple of weeks, so I left early. That was definitely needed!
I watched a couple episodes on Netflix before Caz got home and managed to squeeze in a meditation session too somehow.

15th June

Today is the day of my cardiology appointment. I'm starting to get really quite nervous.
I went to work first thing and left to get to the hospital. Typically, I had to park in the overflow car park which is literally the furthest point away from the hospital. I met Caz in the carpark and we walked up together.
We booked in at reception and were pointed towards the correct clinic. They were running about an hour late.
I was weighed and had my blood pressure checked. Then the consultant came through and said once the nurses reappeared, he would get them to book me in for an ECG.

I was given a slip for an ECG and was walked down to where it was. You take a number and wait your turn. I was literally second in line and was called pretty quickly.
You have to take your top layers off and lie on the treatment bed. They then place several sticky pads on various points and clip the wires in. They print off the trace of your heart and hand it to you to take back to the nurses in the clinic.

Pretty quickly we were then called through to see the consultant. He was very chilled. We had seen him once before when Caz had been having issues a little while ago. I believe I was pregnant then too. Like some sort of horrible deja vu.
But the consultant was happy. He wants me to have an echocardiogram just to make sure all is definitely okay. He said if the results weren't good, he'd see me soon, otherwise, he would see me again in about 3 months time and once again after I'd given birth to make sure there were no lasting problems.
"Don't worry, enjoy your life, eat healthily, drink plenty of water and you'll be fine." You can't hope to hear better than that!

Because I'm feeling a little more positive, I have started to look online at gender reveal partyware. We have sent invites out to immediate family for the 30th of June. That is the nearest weekend after our scan. That is in the hopes that the scan goes well and we have a healthy and alive baby as well as the sonographer being able to tell the sex! If they can't tell then we will have to reschedule... But it is exciting times, fingers crossed!

16th June

We had a really nice and relaxed morning. It was so nice!
I made Caz open up one of his Father's day presents from Baby Moomin and Jesse - the things you do - as I thought that with him working tomorrow then it would give him a chance to enjoy his presents.
The present was loose leaf decaffeinated tea, a colour change mug of Rick and Morty as well as Rick the Pickle...!

We dug out the teapot and tea leaf strainer and made a proper pot of tea. Very tasty!

I saw a rainbow on the wall. Not sure what it was from...!

Afterwards, we headed out to The Range to buy party supplies. From everything I'd seen online, this was the cheapest place to get supplies. Maybe we didn't have as much selection and you had to make a few things to fit in with the scheme, but we could cobble something really pretty together.

This cat toy made me laugh with how excited the little kitten was!

For lunch, we went to Dunelm but the fridges were almost empty in the Pausa cafe.
So we drove back to Menai Bridge. We looked in the cafes as we drove by to make sure there were tables available and then paid for parking before strolling back in. We have said many times before that we really wanted to go to Hydeout. It is a BBQ and smokehouse. The menu in the door sounded really nice with a lot of lunch options, so we popped in. As it was now two-ish, they were able to easily find us a table. We looked through the lunch menu and then peeked at the dinner menu. We only wanted sandwiches really but once we had seen the main menu, we felt starving and really wanted a proper meal. It meant we could have something light in the evening then!

My review for the restaurant was:
We popped in here today for a late lunch and we were very impressed!
We've lived in the area for almost 3 years and I wish we'd visited sooner!
The menu on the for enticed us in. We were going to have some lunch options to keep it lighter.
The decor was really authentic and all the vintage signage and lighting made it your surroundings very interesting.
We sneaked a glimpse at the main menu... We were sucked in by all the mouthwatering items on the menu. I had Bubba's BBQ shrimp and my husband choose the low n slow beef brisket. Super tasty!
We were pleased with the waiting staff. They greeted us weekly, seated us quickly, brought us menus and took our orders promptly. I also liked that they didn't bother us while we were eating. I hate that, usually mid-mouthful. Overall, I'd highly recommend here for lunch. I imagine you'd be recommended to book for an evening but it'd be well worth it.
We'll visit again soon!

17th June

Well, today is Father's day.
I know how much I struggled for Mother's day but thankfully the glimmer of hope with being pregnant again made it survivable. I think it was much the same for Caz.

Caz opened his Father's day card and his remaining present. The present was a Tshirt saying "Papa Bear". The card I got from Funky Pigeon and it was titled "to the Daddy of the bump" and I personalised the card by putting a picture of the scan on the front.

As it is a difficult day, it was almost a blessing in disguise that Caz had to work overtime today. Only 5 hours but at least it kept him busy and stopped him dwelling on any bad thoughts.
Here are some posts I found on Facebook that remind us to think of the Dad's during miscarriage too. They made the baby, wanted the baby and loved the baby before it was snatched away. Caz reflected that he wouldn't be able to take the baby to the shed and just potter with them watching the world go by and wouldn't be able to show them things he enjoys and loves. There are times he is still quite emotional about it all and we shed a tear and hug each other until it feels bearable.

While Caz was working, I did a decopatch flamingo model and I also stripped all the easter accessories from my wire wreath before wrapping it in pink and blue yarn. I don't quite know how to finish it - was flourishes to add to it. A bow or two maybe, tassels, pom poms, a sign saying "He or She?"... I will see what inspires me.