A helping hand

I was nervous about my psychology appointment. What will he think of me? Am I grieving correctly? Am I just heartless in the fact that I haven't cried on over a week now?
I'm not sure if I mentioned, but I managed to turn up 24 hours early to the appointment. I know I've got a lot of my mind with thinking about the appointment, wondering how my health is since the miscarriage, thinking about my lost Baby, worrying about work. But still I felt like quite an idiot.
This morning I decided to try and clear my head first. I parked in the furthest corner of the hospital car park and walked in. Of course the rain teamed down at that very moment and my mac decided to not be waterproof anymore... But it was refreshing and calming.
I got there and let the receptionist know I was here and they went through to notify the psychologist.
His name is Paul, he is middle aged with a kind face. He appears like quite a scientist with a knitted tank top over his shirt but a hint of a more relaxed side with a friendship bracelet or at least some woven band on his wrist.
The room was the same room I was in on Monday for my iron infusion, so I am getting used to the setting now and it was quite familiar. It had, however, been set up slightly differently. There was 2 chairs that previously were pushed up with their backs against the wall with a small coffee inbetween. Now these chairs were slightly angled towards each other in a more open and conversational way. A bit more informal and less clinical.
I thought he might ask questions but he just sat there quietly and kind of gestured towards me as if to say "go on".
Where do you start? The beginning usually. It's just that my beginning is literally at the beginning of my life.
I told him I had previously had a low spell when I suffered from anxiety and depression and that I was worried I might fall there again.
I explained what happened and why I might have struggled in the past. Really it all stems to feeling I missed out on a lot of life with my health and struggling to find acceptance for my lot.
I then told him everything from the build up to trying to have a family with my health and medication changes, the struggle to get pregnant with a year and a half of trying, that being pregnant was my prayers answered and somehow it figured a switch with acceptance for my body. Then on to the tricky subject of the loss. I cried. At least the grief is still there, somewhere.
He listened and added a few little comments here and there. "How did that make you feel?".
After everything was out and aired he said to be honest he had spotted no warning markers or red flags during our talk. He didn't feel I needed to book a follow up but I was to know that his for was always open and he's only at the end of the phone.
That was reassuring.
One thing he said was "grief isn't measured in the number of tears". So I wasn't to feel bad for not crying. That there are others forms of expressing grief and I seemed to be quite proactive and drew from my past experiences to see what worked then to help me keep going and what might help me now.
I felt quite drained afterwards. I bought a coffee and millionaires shortbread from the hospital café before I went on to work.
I'm glad I did this. It helped me see I'm doing well but am also reflective in what has happened.
I just need to keep on as I'm doing and I can't go too far wrong.

Happy Rainbow, continued...

I'm carrying on with the #bchhappyrainbow challenge and it has definitely been helping my recovery from miscarriage.

Day 6 - blush

Should I? Shouldn't I? So tempted to dye my hair this cool rosé colour from Schwartzkopf. I've wanted to do this for a while but never felt confident enough to. I do love my hair and am graced with natural blonde highlights which are beautiful... But I'm wanting a change...

Day 7 - home

I had a t-shirt I never wore and so decided to make it into a tote bag. I'll keep it on the hook by the porch door ready for use.

Day 8 - raspberry

bought a fat quarters bundle and am trying to decide what to do with this pretty fabric

Day 9 floral -
picked a bunch of lavender to place in the porch

Day 10 - red
Welsh dragon

Even if I'm not crafting or creating for each prompt it is getting me to think and helping me out of the house.
It is helping me feel more positive and the fact that seemingly a lot of the ladies doing this challenge have gone through miscarriage is helping a lot. It is like a little support group that is going on here!

Return to Work

The night before I was due to go back to work I made sure I was prepared.

I put my keys back on my keyring and popped the bunch into the bowl on the sideboard. I decided what to wear for the day and so put them on the chair in the bedroom - a blouse with a star print and a smart pair of dark purple trousers. I emptied my handbag of receipts, put in a lip balm (just in case), got a bottle of water from the cupboard over the fridge, sorted a couple of snacks to put in a bag and then made sure I had an early night.

I slept remarkably well; I had assumed I would have a lot on my mind and so wouldn't sleep too well.

I got up, showered, dressed and had breakfast.
I was ready to go.

My drive to work was uneventful and I was pleased I didn't feel anxious during my drive to work (and remembered where to go!).
Only when I pulled off on to the slip road did I start to feel a few butterflies. I wasn't sure if I could do this. Was it too much too soon.

I parked at the side of the building and suddenly wondered if everything might have changed. Would I know anyone who worked here anymore, would all of the processes have been altered while I was away. But then sense kicked in and I remembered I have only been away for a month and no doubt nothing will actually have changed.

I arrived nice and early so I could be one step ahead of the game. Arriving at 8am I had plenty of time to find one of my mugs and get a reviving cup of tea before the majority of people got in.

It was strangely normal to be in work.
I needn't have worried too much as I had plenty to keep me occupied and out of trouble. In fact, I had 828 emails to read through. Not that I actually needed to action many at all as my team had done a great job covering for me during my absence. But I wanted to know what had been going on, who had been requesting what and how things were going.

I work in a data archive. The data we store is all related to the oil industry. My role is an operations coordinator so I receive any requests for the data to be scanned into digital format, to have old tapes and reels copied onto new media or for data to be dispatched out with a courier. We also store core, oil and rock samples.

I could tell that a lot of people are finding it awkward and they don't really know what to say to me. I guess that is understandable as a lot of people may not 'know' anyone else who has been blighted with miscarriage. But miscarriage is actually something that appears to be quite taboo. I have discovered at least 5 people I know who unfortunately went through with a miscarriage. It just doesn't seem to be something you bring up in everyday conversation.

I am still me though. That is one thing I am iterating to everyone I know. I am just feeling a little more sad than usual.
I guess everyone is different but I am really thriving from talking about Jesse. It is like a proud Mum moment and wanting to share all those milestones with anyone that may, or may not, want to hear about it.
I want Jesse to be acknowledged. They entered but also exited this world. They did exist. Why would I want to brush that under the carpet?
My body seems to be pretty much fully recovered now but my mind is taking a little longer to grasp what has happened. These things take time.

During my morning I managed to get through around 50% of the emails and I will continue with the same tomorrow. There is always tomorrow for anything I can't get done today. I am only one person and can only do so much.
Maybe by Thursday or Friday, I will be a little more on par and up to speed with everything and understand what is needed of me.

Little steps.
Definitely glad I am decided on a phased return as by the end of it I had a banging headache developing and my eyes felt so tired. Despite taking regular breaks and catching up with several people it still took its toll on me.
Is it too much too soon? I had to go back at some point. I couldn't avoid it forever.
What better time than now?!

A fuel up

Life can take its toll on your body after a while.

Whether due to my kidney failure and kidney transplant or down to my miscarriage - I am quite anaemic.

I have been on EPO (further information Here). It basically should be a hormone my kidney releases to stimulate red blood cells to be made by the bone marrow. For whatever reason, my body isn't sending this trigger and so I am anaemic. The injections are a synthetic replacement for this process.

My iron stores had always been pretty good, but recently it seems they may have become more depleted and I needed a bit of a boost.

I needed to have an iron infusion.

It didn't take long and didn't hurt.

A nurse, Donna, came through to the waiting room and collected me. We walked through the renal unit and at first, I was concerned that she might take me to the dialysis unit. I had a pre-emptive transplant and so never needed dialysis and so it is a strange and scary concept to me. I have spoken to other patients about dialysis so have a better idea of it now. But I do dread the time I am told I will need to start dialysis and would rather avoid that dreaded room until nearer the time! Luckily, Donna took Caz and me to a treatment room.
There was a view of the mountains from the small window, the treatment bench was a lively lime colour and one of the walls was painted in a cheerful blue.

Another nurse, Emma who I had met previously at my last clinic appointment, also joined us in the treatment room.
They really reassured me and were quite a duo. Both a little scatty and forgetful but also amazingly caring and gentle.

After being made comfortable in the fancy chair I had a cannula (used to administer medication or take blood) inserted into the crook of my arm. I have really small veins and so it can always be a little tricky to find a vein in my arms. Donna seemed to be the most fine tuned at this skill and so was able to swiftly locate a vein and insert the fine needle.

They took my blood pressure which was pretty good and then did some blood tests. While we were doing this Emma was preparing the infusion.

When they started the iron infusion they kept checking if I was okay as sometimes you can have an allergic reaction to the medication - an itching or burning sensation. Luckily I had no such feelings and so they were good to continue with my treatment.
Only about 15 minutes later we were done. They took my blood pressure again as it can be prone to dropping after such a treatment. Mine returned to a very healthy and normal range. My heart rate had even slightly calmed during my treatment and that is despite there being a fire alarm and having needles stuck into me by 2 nurses!
I was allowed to return to the waiting room where I had to stay for 30 minutes to make sure I had no side effects from the treatment. Caz went off to the pharmacy to collect my next EPO injections and I just sat and watched the fish in the tank!

Once I got home I started to feel really tired. I went for a nap and 2 hours later I emerged and had my lunch.
I didn't get a single thing done during the day, so it was good that my sick note was still valid for today.
I sat watching Lock Up on Netflix then a film called Gothika. The things you do when you while away the time!

I have heard from other patients that having an iron infusion can give you a boost of energy. The nurse Emma said that this might take a few days or weeks to take effect, so let's wait and see.
I do worry that needed more invasive treatment is the start of the end and wonder what this means for me and my kidney.
I just have to keep embracing each thing that is thrown at me and try and move forward.

Back to reality

On the 12th of September, it will be 4 long weeks since I lost my Baby - Jesse.
On the 12th of September, I will be doing a phased return to work.

Speaking with Caz he said it was strangely normal when he went back to work. That you feel your world has stopped but everyone else's just carries on. You feel emotional and really quite consumed in sadness but you are able to just busy yourself and soon you find that it was almost like you were never away.
I know Caz has been through the same as me. He has lost his child too and is going through grief in his own way.
But one thing on his side is that men don't talk about these things. There is maybe a reassuring silence over not actually talking to people about everything that has happened.
I worry that at some point in the future it will just pop and all will need to be vented, but for now, he is back in his 'normal'.

For me, I am dreading the questions, the pitiful looks, the silences. I am expecting some people will find it too difficult and they won't know what to say and so they avoid me.
I know I will take it personally. I already feel quite alone in this journey. The hospital cast me aside with such ease without a single glance backwards. I was made to feel like this was all my fault and being ignored was my punishment.

I know I will have to have some difficult conversations and realise that I might not actually achieve much at all during my half day.
I expect that I will feel drained after the time at work - emotionally drained due to all the interactions I need to have and physically tired from driving that distance and having to concentrate for that many hours.

I've not really needed to think much in the last few weeks. I have purely been surviving. In between I have been seeing the occasional person for coffee but mostly I have cocooned myself away in my safe space doing as I please.
This will be really stepping outside of my comfort zone although I understand the 'routine' will do me good.

Some people at work won't have realised I was actually pregnant.
For the exact reason as has happened, you don't tell anyone until you are into safer territory.
I now feel ashamed that I didn't shout about it from the rooftops and that I dressed to cover my blossoming body.

Some people might have heard rumours I was expecting and not realise that I have lost my little bundle of joy. They may ask how it is going, how far along I am and I just won't really know what to say. Do you tell them the truth in that your little one has passed away, as no doubt that will make the other person feel so awful that they didn't know and have put their foot in it.

There might even be others that just don't know why I had disappeared - maybe they presume I've been to some amazing foreign isles sunning myself and having a wonderful time, perhaps they just think I have had the flu or something benign. There is perhaps the temptation to just agree with them, but that wouldn't be doing my Jesse any justice. It would be denying that Jesse didn't exist.

I know when I worry that I catastrophise and that typically nothing is as bad as I imagine. I know I might struggle to sleep tonight with everything that is swilling around my head... But I know I have to take this step as part of my healing process.
I will let you know how the day goes...

Keeping my Angel close

Another recent buy on Etsy was a key ring set.

It included a circular hand stamped key ring saying "Daddy of an Angel" with a symbol of baby feet and an angel wing charm plus a heart shaped "Mummy of an Angel" with the same details.

It took a little while for the item to be dispatched, but I understand that anything handmade needs their heart to go into these things and it takes time to perfect items. You treat them as if they were your own and a work of art before you let go of them once you have found a suitable new owner.

I liked how neatly everything was packed away, definitely taken care of while being dispatched to their new home.

I would highly recommend Raspberry Ripple Jewellery to anyone and I'd be more than happy to buy from them again in the future. 

I wanted to be able to keep the memory of Jesse close to us at all times. This is a perfect way to do that.
When I am at home I can see our planter which is blooming away perfectly in the late summer sunshine. However, when I am trying to get out and about I feel more bereft and just have this great need to return home as soon as possible. I'm not sure if that is down to being away from my Baby or if there is another reason.
Either way, now when I am away from home I just need to go in my bag and fetch my keys. The heart shape looks so tactile. I do fear I may constantly rub it until the lettering is illegible.

I love how Jesse's name is permanently stamped onto the key rings. Now there is no getting away from the fact that Jesse existed, they have been acknowledged and wholly welcomed into this family and that is where they will stay for all of eternity.
Loved by all who was touched by them.

Testing times

I have been dreading this since I was in the hospital after losing my baby.

I knew it was looming like a storm on the horizon waiting to hit on schedule. But I wanted to try and do anything I could to try and avoid it.

I needed to do a pregnancy test 3 weeks following my miscarriage to prove that everything had passed.

I had talked to my GP about this and asked if I could go in to have a pregnancy test. He said it was an option but clearly it was more of a last resort. Ideally, they wanted me to be strong enough to do this unaided and with no additional cost to the NHS.

Pregnancy tests are usually for you to check if you are expecting.
You might have an inkling and just want to confirm it. You had been having achy breasts, be late on your period or perhaps be exhausted or sick.
Often times this is planned or at least wanted. In these cases, this leads to you discovering happy news.
But in this case, I am confirming that my baby has died. It is to check, as the hospital so eloquently put it if all 'products' had been passed.
It is dragging out this nightmare and putting the final line underneath it all that the chapter I had hoped would be happy is actually over.

In the end, I decided to do the test at home. I guess it could be seen as a way to find closure to all of this and really cement in your mind that this is finished, for now at least.
I bought a digital pregnancy test as I really couldn't be dealing with any uncertainties. I wanted to know for sure that this was it. That it was done and I could try and pick up all the pieces and try and move forward with my life.

"Not Pregnant"

Yes, this is final.
But perhaps it is also a chance to be hopeful. My periods will soon return. I will go back to tracking my ovulation and we will try again.
This is building towards my next attempt to try to conceive.
Although I wanted Jesse to come into the world as my child and not an Angel Baby I now realise how much love I have to give and that I am so ready to be a Mummy.

Happy Rainbow

As part of my healing process, I know I need something to focus on.
On Instagram, I discovered a 'Happy Rainbow Challenge' by @bycharlieshand - Charlotte Trimm; "Artist, paper-cutter, tea drinker, rainbow & colour queen!" 🌈.

It sounded happy and hopeful.
It asked to post a photo a day using daily prompts in an effort to brighten up September.

This is my first 5 days of the challenge.



Going to try this photo challenge to help me get out of the house and back into work...



Day 1 - hello.
I'm Nikki from Anglesey in North Wales. I like baking, trying craft (even if it isn't really my forte) and being as active and healthy as I can to keep my kidney transplant well.



Day 2 - purple
I picked some of my sweet pea flowers to put in the living room. The perfume scent from them is just lovely.



Day 3 - hearts
I baked a batch of shortbread biscuits, made with love



Day 4 - bubble gum
I dug out my button collection and made this cute little button art



Day 5 - stars
Experimenting with writing in Needlecraft cross-stitch not the best but a first

This challenge so far has helped me whet my appetite for craft of various mediums. When I go to view the hashtag for the challenge I am inspired by all the varying efforts other people are doing.

This is all getting me thinking... Would I like to craft for a living? Maybe this is something I could do on the side along with my day job.

Potentially I could see if I can reduce my hours at work. This would be for a number of reasons.

My health is one reason - my kidney check ups are now once a month plus I have treatments coming up for an iron infusion.

My mind is another reason - this whole experience has completely changed my mindset. What I thought I knew about the world and what was important have all been thrown out of the water and put into perspective. I have a session with a psychologist coming up. He is attached to the renal unit and so as a starting point will understand my unique position in life and the dilemmas I face.

But also I have realised I don't love what I do. I intended to get a job to get some money behind me to set up my own business. Initially, it was to offer holistic therapies (Swedish massage, aromatherapy, Indian head massage and reflexology). But now 11 years later and I am still in my office job.
It is maybe satisfying and pays the bills but it isn't rewarding and it isn't putting good back out in the world. A lot has fallen on to my plate in recent months. Many of the tasks I do I don't like and they actively cause me panic.

Life is only short, why do something that isn't fulfilling.

Never-ending Nightmares

Rest is good for you they say. Sleep is a good healer.
Yes, but there is also no escape. You think you can just slip into easy sleep to give your body a chance to recover, but what you don't realise is that all your fears and worries become monsters of your dreams.

I really struggle to get to sleep.
I end up lying there feeling awake and unable to fall into restful sleep. Lying there, I stare at the dark ceiling that my eyes can't really make out.
When it is quiet and everyone else is asleep is my worst time. It is just you and your thoughts.

When I do sleep, it is fitful and uneasy. I end up waking in a cold sweat feeling really uncomfortable and unhappy.

I dream that my loved ones are divorcing me or refusing to talk to me. Maybe this is because I worry that I'm being a burden to everyone.

I dream that my loved ones are dying. Could this be from the fear that you have lost one person really dear to you and you worry that everyone else you love will go too?

Why is the one thing I need in this rebuilding of myself so far out of my reach? I feel weary and drained.
My GP said that I shouldn't fight the urge to nap. If I am tired I should sleep. But I worry then that having a snooze during the day will take away whatever sleep I could need in the night.
Maybe my body is tired. Maybe it is my mind that keeps me awake.

I find music is my solace at the moment.
I put on a song and am taken away to another place. Even the relentless beats and energy from Electro-House lulls me to sleep. It stops my thoughts and ceases my worries. I don't know if it is the simple act of focusing on something else that helps, but music really soothes the soul.
Whether you want an upbeat song to cheer you up or a soulful song to cry to you will find what you need.
Even just lying there, listening to music feels like it is renewing my energy.

It is getting a little easier. The rest is coming more freely, the sleep a little easier and the escape isn't as necessary.
It takes time, maybe a lifetime, but you do learn little by little to carry this with you and not to let it break you.

Beaumaris Food Festival - Gŵyl Fwyd Biwmares

Living in an area that is a magnet for tourists, there are often events on to bring even more to the area.

This last weekend there was one of these events.

Beaumaris Food Festival - Gŵyl Fwyd Biwmares.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to go as I am 'off sick' but the weather was perfect with the sun shining down and the temperatures in nice figures.

I decided it would be good for me to get out and see the world.

The Midland

A Lot Of Waffle

Harley the Clown

It was well worth a visit. We easily whiled away several hours and could have spent longer there too! As well as food stands, craft tents and entertainment there were cookery demonstrations and talks on various topics.

We had a hearty lunch (Caz had a wild boar burger from 'North West Game' and I had a smoked salmon wrap from the combined stall manned by Hydeout Bar-B-Q & Smokehouse, Tredici and Pier House Bistro) and pudding while we were there, as well as Mama Zo's fresh lemonade.

We even have some brownies for later and a pie and tart for dinner over the weekend!

All in all, we perfect time out and we made a good little haul!

Running away from your problems

Running is said to be very beneficial to the body. 

It is known to help clear people's minds and in a way, you symbolically feel like you are running away from your problems. Putting some distance between what happened and where you are going.

I can occasionally suffer from anxiety and have had panic attacks in the past. 

One of the symptoms of this is a racing heart, increased rate of breathing and maybe even a tight feeling in your chest.

For me, I find giving my body an actual valid reason for these symptoms can reassure my mind. When my heart starts racing I might go for a run or a brisk walk. My heart rate would naturally increase during this activity and so my mind will take the association with increased heart rate with the activity I did and not just some unseen and unexplainable reason.

It is some you time where what you are doing isn't for anyone else but you. You are exercising your body, focus on what you are doing and not what you are going through.

My first run back out there was a difficult one. I didn't know what to expect. Would I feel pain following the miscarriage? How would my pace be? Do I even care? 

I just wanted to be out of the house after being holed up for the best part of a week struggling with my emotions.

My first run back was on the day Caz returned to work. I knew I would break down and struggle if I didn't do something to take my mind off being so alone. I thought that perhaps if I went outside, got a bit of sunshine and fresh air in my systems and felt that the runners high afterwards that it would help me get through the rest of the day. 

I survived. 

My pace wasn't too awful and it felt good to remind myself what my body can do and that it is strong.

I then thought, what about adding workouts in between my runs.

This was too much too soon.

Take little steps back to recovery. Do not take huge leaps as you will only be left disappointed and frustrated. 

I knew I would burn myself out if I carried on like this.

The workouts have been put to the drawing board until I am mastering running for 30 minutes continuously.

I use Runtastic as my training app of choice. I also use good old Strava to record my pace and to interact with like minded people.

On Runtastic there are a number of training plans. I wanted to perhaps try the weight loss one of bikini body prep but that is too advanced for me at this time. I need to start smaller and ease myself back in to running.

I found a beginner training plan to build you up to 30 minutes of continuous running within 6 weeks.

It is based on interval training including short runs and walking breaks. The running intervals become longer as you progress during your 6 weeks of training.

I never make things easy for myself. Before my pregnancy and before all the trauma of miscarriage I had signed myself up to a few virtual runs with Virtual Runner. You can earn medals for completing virtual races. 

"A virtual race is a race that can be ran at any location. You can walk, use the treadmill, run outside or participate in another race. You can run your race at your pace anywhere in the world.

Virtual races are a great way to stay fit and active all year round, run for a good cause and get awesome medals for your participation!"

The medal I earned was by completing a 5km run between set dates in aid of Kidney Research UK. 50% of every race fee was donated to Kidney Research UK.

I think it also helps if you try not to take yourself too seriously.

I often buy fun t-shirts and items that make me laugh to keep me going at running.

This t-shirt is one of my favourites:

It is difficult to notice if you are improving. You don't really see the number on the scale change, your body can look exactly the same as it always has... But remember, you are getting stronger, your stamina is improving and even if you aren't shaving time off every run you are making your body healthier.

My pace has gone from 8:58/km, 8:36/km, 8:52k/km and 8:51/km.

There are good days and indifferent days. Just like how your moods fluctuate, your body can also feel spot on or just plain tired and heavy.

I do worry that people will find seeing me running as something amusing. I get red in the face, my breathing rate increases and I am often found walking. But I remind myself that perhaps it will be inspiring to that one person out of all of these that I perceive to be laughing at me. I remind myself that I am improving my health and at least I am not just sat at home on the couch. I am doing what some other individuals can't. That in itself is a privilege for which I am grateful.

I haven't registered for any more races, yet. I am thinking of creating smaller goals for myself to keep going at this as it is good for me.

Perhaps trying to go out running more times a week, even if that means doing shorter distances. Perhaps I could try to just improve my times on the local Strava segments! Or maybe I could try and do a PB for a mile or kilometre or start improving on my pace and mileage each month.

It could even be to capture pictures for each letter of the alphabet while I'm out and about during a set time. Picture an apple one run and a bunny another... 

The options are endless. But I do know I enjoy being out there.

Piecing the heart back together

Well, now I have tidied up my little office I have plenty to be able to do to keep me occupied.

I had a root around my belongings and rediscovered some little pendants I had bought a few months back. 

These pendant charms actually came in a little bag of fertility. I bought it when I was becoming frustrated with not becoming pregnant. I was grasping on to straws and just wanted something to help me feel like I had a little more control over my body and to give me a little bit of hope.

So inside the bag was a little card saying:

"This little bag of fertility will help your body to kick start and grant the greatest wish to heal your aching heart. It's filled with what you need in life to help see you through and with some love, believe and hope a bundle of joy will come to you."

Each charm represented something in particular:

Fish = Fertile

Crescent moon = Female divine energy

Frog = Fertility

Infinity = Complete cycle

Rabbit = Birth

Cross = Life

Angel wings = Protection

There were also some gemstones:

Moonstone = Regulates fertility cycle

Rose quartz = Encourages fertility

Aventurine = Encourages pregnancy

Garnet = Aids fertility

Onyx = Promotes fertility

Tigers eye = Eases tension

I also came across a 'findings' kit to help you make jewellery as well as some craft wire.

I half wanted to mount all the 7 pendants on one necklace separated by little spacers. But then I realised the rings I had to put the pendants on the wire were too big or the spacers are too small... Either way, the was no securing the pendants in place.

This has gone back to the drawing board for now while I try and think of another way to do this. Failing that, I might just make a little necklace or bracelet for each pendant.

Another day, I decided that I would finally unearth my sewing machine and actually give it a try.

I have only owned it for around 3 years and carted it through a house move... 

After reminding myself how to fill a bobbin, load and thread the machine I worked out what project I would have a go at.

Previously I had tried to get to grips with the machine but really struggled and so became frustrated.

Caz had suggested I try playing around with scraps of fabric to see what all the different stitch settings do and how it feels to sew and just get your eye in.

I gave that a go but because I wasn't really achieving an end result with something pretty to hold I think I gave up my attempts.

This time I thought I would just crack on and give it a go. I would try and make something for real.

A few months back we finally kitted out our walk in wardrobe and threw out our fabric (allegedly temporary) wardrobe. The fabric wardrobe must have been 10 years old. It definitely stood the test of time. It survived (just) 2 house moves.

When the wardrobe was dismantled (it practically came to bits without much persuasion) the wood was put to one side as kindling for the log burner and the fabric was saved just in case I had any call for it in the future.

Well, now was that moment to give it a go and a find a new purpose and new lease of life for the fabric.

I had been pondering about making some small, easy crafts to sell on the side. Potentially doing a bit of baking or sewing. If you have a bit of a called after talent (I'm not saying I do, but I'm giving it a go) where you can make things that other people struggle to do then perhaps you can sell these and make a bob or two.

So I thought what about trying to make a phone cover/pouch.

I cut off a chunk of the fabric and marked out the measurements for my phone.

I knew I wanted to be able to fold over the top and fasten it. So I worked out the dimensions, cut it out and put it in the sewing machine.

I literally had no idea what I was doing, but God loves a tryer. 

It is great to do something that is so absorbing that you forget all your worries for a little while. The achievement from doing craft and knowing you were able to make something useful/pretty is really rewarding.

I knew I should hem all exposed edges to keep it from fraying apart and to make it look neater. After pinning the hem in place, I just went for it.

I had an idea you are meant to use the reverse stitch to secure everything in place... But this seemed to make messy corners.

After sewing the hems and then two of the sides together, I turned the whole thing inside out and finished off the hems.

For the fastening I sewed on a button, the first I have done in my memory.

There was no way I would be attempting a button hole. I know there is a setting on my machine for it, but that is for another day and a different project.

Remembering that you can handsew loops for buttons, I looked on youtube and saw a couple demonstrations. Unluckily, it turns out I had cut too short a length of thread; after doubling up the thread to make it strong enough I didn't have enough to go all around.

But for a first attempt, I was quite happy with the thread loop I had made.

Here is the final item! Not the neatest, but it improved even as I was going. The seams are quite straight and I know I can work on the thread loop in the future... But securing and finishing the ends I will have to practise a little more...

It has given me the confidence to give it a go with some nice fabric. Perhaps having a lining inside to contrast with the outer case and to give it a bit more detail. I'm not entirely sure how to go about that. Maybe I just need to give it a go!