eBay charity listing - Shoes!

I just wanted to put out a quick message to say I've decided to bite the bullet and actually sell some shoes on eBay.
These are shoes I haven't worn in a long while but still think they look amazing. I just can't hack the height of a heel now. I'm very much a Vans or Brogues kinda girl now.

Selling due to having a clear out for baby's arrival!
10% of the final value will go to Sands (stillbirth and neonatal death society) who helped me a year ago during a difficult time.
If you are interested, please make a bid!

I can post them pretty much globally through the eBay shipping feature where you send them to a central distribution warehouse and they ship it on from there.
The countries included are:
United Kingdom, Austria, Belgium, Bulgaria, Croatia, Republic of, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Ireland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malta, Netherlands, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Sweden, Australia, United States, Canada, Brazil, Japan, New Zealand, China, Israel, Hong Kong, Norway, Malaysia, Mexico, Singapore, Korea, South, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand

There are 3 pairs of shoes up for offer:

Iron Fist: Beautiful corset backed peep toe high heels from Iron Fist.
Design is 'OMG Corset' in a black and white print.
Women's UK size 6 (US 8 - European 39).

Born Bad Betty: Born Bad Betty 'Lost Your Cherry' design quirky Rockabilly style bespoke high heeled court shoes.
Velvety black shoe, velvety red heel and red and black applique polka dot heart with cherry design.
"Born Bad Betty's limited edition vintage-inspired shoes. Not for the girl next door..."

Irregular Choice: Irregular Choice dragon fly design sling back high heeled sandal.
Beautiful beaded dragonfly and lilac/light purple and gold design.
Uppers are made from leather.

Week 28

20th August

I had to have a nap in the beach carpark on my lunch today. I'm definitely starting to flag again with my energy.

Afterwork, I cracked on with an episode of Reign until Caz came home. That is the joy of each program being about 42 minutes long!

Caz and I went for a stroll in the evening. We bumped into one of our nearby neighbours and local farmer while we were out. He was asking us about the pregnancy and saying how he now has grandchildren. A couple of the cute things he said is that although kids are hard work they are so worth it. Plus he said as his wife struggled to sleep, he used to spoon her and rock her to sleep. Once their baby was here, they were only able to fall asleep if they were being rocked!

Caz and I finally added our own message and amount to the JustGiving I'd set up for Jesse's birthday. We mainly wanted to say we love you and miss you and think about you often.
We've still not heard anything from Caz's Dad so I guess he might not be donating anything or feels a need to not acknowledge our first baby. Some battles you win in life and some you lose.

Oh, one bit of good news today! I heard back from my cardiologist about the echocardiogram I recently had:

Part of me feels a bit annoyed that I had a very pessimistic doctor in the past where on my very first consultation at 17 he said I would need a pacemaker or a heart transplant. Reality is, I am on a very low dose beta blocker and that seems to get me by.
Possibly, it could be that my journey in keeping myself happy and healthy has worked and improved my function. It could be down to my own hard work and determination. I guess we'll never know, but I will take this as a positive.
I will be fine during pregnancy and birth and my heart will hold out.

21st August

Recently, it had been agreed with my obstetrician that I would get my blood pressure and urine tested once a week between all clinic appointments. Usually, I would turn to the renal unit. But Rebecca is on a long-awaited break and so I had to reach out to my GP surgery to see me.
I'm not sure on who saw me - she wasn't a GP or a nurse that I'm aware of but perhaps some sort of health visitor or healthcare assistant. Either way, I explained to her what the plan was and she was more than happy to oblige me and said I could see her at any time. Both my blood pressure and urine were perfect so I can't grumble!

On my way back to work from the GP surgery, I decided to pick up my Asda bedding order for our baby girl.
It was quite quick and easy. Right by the entrance, there is a click and collect point. It is a vast, freestanding touchscreen where you scan your QR code and it prints out a token. I took a seat and eventually someone came out with my box of ordered goodies!
The system works!

Caz and I are aware that his cousin and his family (a son and a newborn baby girl) are visiting the area for a few days and we talked about what that meant to us.
The thing is, we really struggle with going to any events where we are likely to be around children and babies in particular. It is just all so raw to us and drives home the realisation of what we don't have - a 6-month-old baby.
Neither of us knows if we are strong enough emotionally to meet up with people at this time. We don't want to cause conflict but we know how heartbreaking it will be for us. I don't even know if I can hold this beautiful baby. It is nothing personal, it isn't that I hate this baby, I just don't think I can do it. Then you add in that I'm super tired in my third trimester and Caz has a hernia that he is suffering with. It just isn't good timing for us as a couple.

22nd August

I woke up feeling so down in the dumps and like this is completely unshakeable and so I had to phone work. I told them I am suffering from a cold. That isn't a complete lie, I had been sneezing and coughing the day before, but it isn't wholly the truth.

So, I spent a day doing self-care to try and bolster myself up again.
I watched Reign. I had a bath. I did a bit of craft or at least experimenting with a new design of earrings I could picture in my head but couldn't quite translate into a physical item.

My little buddy kept me company and made sure I was okay and felt loved.

I was really grateful when Caz returned home from work and we had a good relax watching TV where we say abandoned structures and confessions of a murderer.

Hopefully, tomorrow is a better day.

23rd August

I woke up feeling a lot brighter. It is funny what a difference a day can sometimes make.

As I mentioned, Caz's cousin, his wife, son and newborn baby girl are in the area for a few days.
The wife sent me a message letting me know they were around and would love us to meet their baby.

I decided to be honest and say that Caz and I will find meeting their baby difficult. That we might react in ways they don't expect such as crying, needing to pop out for a breath of air or needing to cut the visit short. But as long as we had the understanding from them, we were willing to try so we could catch up and meet their precious baby.

I never heard back from her.
It feels a bit saddening that you pour your heart out for nothing.

Work was a mixed bag.
My maternity leave has officially been booked into the system by HR and is now on my work calendar.
Then I got hauled into the office with my manager but it wasn't me in trouble(!) it turns out a guy at work has got chicken pox! My manager just wanted to warn me so I could contact the midwife to find out if it is safe for me to be around this lad. From what I've read, as I've had both chicken pox and shingles in the past it won't be an issue to me.

6 weeks left at work! counting down the days...!

24th August

Well, I have seemingly given up sleeping now.
I don't sleep much at all. I am unsure if this is down to pregnancy causing insomnia or my troubled mind stopping me from being able to rest.

I just couldn't get it out of my head that I have ruined Caz's relationship with his cousin. Why did she decide not to reply to me, or even come over to us and give me a hug or something? Even just a thumbs up or a little emoticon would have reassured me.
But just facing radio silence felt like I was being shunned. It was horrendous.

Luckily, today is a day off for me. I had already booked the time as annual leave.
I have one of my routine psychology appointments today and I wasn't sure if I could get to it. I just felt in such a lost state. But I knew it would be for my best and so I struggled on.

This was me trying to pep talk myself into the shower so I could get ready for the day.

Then I ticked the getting dressed and doing my makeup boxes.
Baby steps.

I managed to get in the car to take myself to the hospital for my psychology appointment.
Celebrate the little victories.

I arrived at the hospital and knew I only had to walk a few hundred yards to get to where I could meet Paul, the psychologist.
I'm doing well, despite everything.

Well, my psych appointment took quite a while to get in a flow. I partly found he wasn't really understanding and thought I was being a bit childish and churlish.
I was saying how I feel shunned by family members, how I can't do any right and always seem to put my foot in it with everyone. I also said how difficult I found the run-up to Jesse's birthday but that the actual day was quite peaceful.
He then said that perhaps the anticipation is worse than the actual event. Catastrophising often comes in to play. He said all I can control in life is what I put out in the world - my output. I can't control people's reactions and that is their problem, not mine.
We also touched on how my hatred for myself is my own belief and that I seem to then project this on to others and take it as their opinion of me.

I have a lot to learn to find my happy place. Often, the answer is taking a deep breath and a step back and find the best way to react.

I went to the pharmacy in the hospital to try and exchange sharps bins. With my regular injections, I can tend to fill a sharps container quite quickly.
They said they can't accept contaminated goods. I was quite confused as I get the injections from this pharmacy so surely they can take my empty syringes away?
I knew my local pharmacy would be able to help, but I thought while I was at the hospital I would try the renal unit - they manage to help me with all my other strange requests!

Success! But the bin is huge! It'll last me a while...!

I then decided to be brave and go shopping in Llangefni. All my urges told me to go home but I knew getting out and about might be the best thing for me.

I visited the Farm and Pet Place and saw this fat boy cat scratcher! Walter loves his cat scratcher now we have disassembled his cat tree into two sections, both just a single level high now. He sharpens his claws all the time and has a good stretch and then sleep on the carpeted base.
This looks a perfect replacement for him for when his is too worn out.

I also bought him worming tablets. He has used worming tablets before, but with being pregnant, I found it difficult to hold him for fear of him bashing my baby bump. So last time, we got him worming granules. He hated it. He left his entire dinner. So we needed to get him another dose of tablets to make sure he was covered.
All sorted.
I even bought Walter a little Christmas stocking filler while I was in the shop and some super thick bubbles!

Next stop was Lidl. I wanted to look at the specials. I didn't buy much in the end but did get a paper guillotine cutter. It actually has multiple blades in the gizmo. You turn the dial and then it is wavy or straight or torn effect or even embossed or a dotted line so you can create coupons to tear out. It is amazing!
I also saw these beautiful 'bubblegum chrysanthemum' bouquets.

I needed a snack at this point so bought a bottle of water and some salted and sweet popcorn. Yum.

After a bit of strolling around the craft shops (I bought a beautiful heart shaped slate with a laser cut out in wood of Anglesey in a lovely duck egg colour) and charity shops ( I found a couple of novels I wanted and also decided to buy some old beaded jewellery to repurpose as new pieces).
I was then going to meet Caz. We went for lunch at The Bull Hotel and it was really nice to just go on a 'date' with him. It is funny how excited you feel and the butterflies you get when you are meeting up with someone and then spot them. It was almost like our first date with the depth of feeling I had! Love him!

25th August

I can't believe how much I have cried in the last couple of days. My eyes are getting sore and I'm getting bored with my emotional outpourings.

This was a passage in Insomnia which I have been reading forever. It perfectly sums up life. That it has good moments and bad moments.

Today is definitely a pyjamas kind of day.

One tip I've found is that it is wise to ask yourself or your partner/children the following 3 questions each day. It makes sure you focus on the positives.

What did you learn today?
How does that make you feel?
What are you proud of?

There are other questions you could ask. Perhaps one perfect question could be 'what made you smile today?' or 'what was your favourite bit of today?'. But either way, for a while at least, I'm going to ask myself the 3 questions above each day.

Learn: That I'm vulnerable deep in my core, feel people attack me and hate me. this is my own beliefs projected onto others.
Feel: That one comment can ruin my day, no contact feels like being shunned.
Proud: That I was able to use a meditation music track to bring myself back up to a better level.

26th August

Achievement time! Fan fair, please! I've finally finished reading Insomnia by Stephen King.
This was my review of it:

"I found this book was an amazingly in-depth read and so minutely detailed; I could see and feel everything that was happening at any given point in the story.
I really connected with the main characters, especially Ralph Roberts, and felt quite a bond towards them, although it did take a little longer to warm to Lois.
There were times I laughed out loud, felt a little scared, could feel the joy of the characters and (trying not to give anything away) felt their pain when close people passed away and the sheer terror or trauma felt at these losses.
I did take a long time to read this book but that was mainly down to my personal circumstances and some deep things I was going through at the time.
Some parts were complete non-sensical but still, I could see in a vivid plethora of colours exactly what was happening. I have to say I was going at the pace of understanding of the characters too - when they were confused and weren't sure what was next, I also felt the same. I have to say the ending and climatic moments weren't as I expected. I'm not even sure what I expected if anything! But I wasn't able to second guess the main scenarios and felt compelled to continue reading to the end. Between reading sessions, I was literally itching to want to continue!
I would highly recommend this as an intrinsically described, oftentimes sarcastic but also very witty read."

Caz and I went for a nap at one point today as I'm feeling so drained, emotionally. Sleepy cuddles are the best and help so much.

We then watched the F1 qualifying as I wasn't able to pay attention yesterday when it was on.  They were in Spa this time around.

I had a crack at creating a sewn Christmas ornament. My idea was to sew the pets each family has in a Christmas style fabric and stuff it with wadding. I found the following website where there are various templates. You can either download for free the templates you need or for just under $20 you can have a batch download of everything on the site. I managed to find a sitting cat to represent Walter and also a labrador to represent Amber (my parent's golden labrador). I haven't yet seen a springer spaniel one for Bramley my in-law's dog.

I printed out the cat, picked a bauble design green fabric and then cut out the shape. I quickly realised the shape I picked was too complicated and I wasn't able to batch prep them on the sewing machine as I originally planned. I ended up hand sewing the item. It looks really effective but I might go through the Christmas templates and pick a bell or Santa hat to create a number of these padded decorations to give out as presents.

I've managed to find a bit of resilience within me, I had it all along. I went to our bookcase and picked out two books to work through.

The first is "Saying Goodbye: A personal story of baby loss and 90 days of support to walk you through grief" by Zoe Clark-Coates. I wondered if I ever actually processed my grief way back a year ago.
I was back to work within a month and back to full time a fortnight later. People found it awkward for me to talk about Jesse and my feelings and so I didn't. These were the worst possible routes to take. I'm going back to basics and will actually process my grief like it is the beginning again. I think I ended up just wearing a mask and fooling myself that I was "fine". But I'm not. I need to acknowledge Jesse and I need to do this for me and basically sod everyone else.

I saw this quote and it is what I wish to now live by.

"You're not a victim for sharing your story. 

You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth.

And you never know who needs your light, your warmth and raging courage."

The other book I picked out of the bookcase is: "Field Guide to Happiness for Women" by Barbara Ann Kipfer.
This author has written many 'list books' and I own a couple already:
"14,000 Things to Be Happy About: The Happy Book"
"8,789 Words of Wisdom"
"The Wish List"

This book contains 205 short-short chapters which I feel are ideal for reading one a day. I will see how this shapes me as a human being.

Week 27

I'm a bit behind on my posts now with various things that have been happening lately. 
I'll try and get back up to date ASAP!

13th August

I muddled through work but knew I'd have a mad dash on my hands when I got home.
I am posting those two jigsaws out to the winners of the eBay auctions.
I dug the jigsaws out, wrapped them in bubble wrap, popped them in big shipping bags, bought the postage online through eBay and stuck the details on.
I then rushed down to the Post Office and all I had to do was hand them over and they scanned the labels, handed me a confirmation receipt and put the packages in the bags for the postal people.
Done!

In the evening, Caz and I watched the build-up at Rockingham for the BTCC. There have been a few drivers changes. We just aren't used to midseason changes! In sports, like F1 it is generally a season-long commitment and unless you do something horrendously awful, ala Daniil Kvyat, no changes or swaps going on.

I spent the rest of the evening reading. I've finally reached the epilogue in Insomnia by Stephen King. I've by no means read every day. There have been times when I probably haven't read for weeks with so much going on in my mind and just not being in the right time in life to read. But finally, I see an end in sight!
I've read a couple Stephen King books int he past and a few other novels but mostly my history is chic lit, as trashy as it can be. I love that I can't foresee what is going to happen if everyone lives or dies and it all ends happily or horrendously! The suspense is now killing me. Hopefully, I'll get a chance at some point this week to pick up the tome and read the final bit!

14th August

I'm quite surprised by how uneventful today has been. I was half expecting that with it being a day away from Jesse's birthday that I might be quite distracted and emotional. But actually, I was quite calm and collected.

If anything, looking back, this date is worse then tomorrow's day.
This is the day we knew that Jesse was gone.

I'd been off work all day with bleeding and cramping. Both of these were worsening as the day progressed but I was loathed if I were to take painkillers for fear of what this might cause to the baby that I hoped was still living within me.

I managed to book a GP appointment but it wasn't until 5pm. I was literally itching, waiting for Caz to return home from work so he could rush me to the doctors' surgery. It felt like days not hours until my appointment.
I met and saw Dr Morris. I hadn't met him before I don't think as he was quite new to the surgery. He listened to my concerns, checked my symptoms to rule out ectopic pregnancy and then suggested he do a physical exam. Caz came in with me and he said how it had been coming on for the past 2 days. It started on a Saturday and now it was a Monday.
He called a nurse and we went through to an examination room. I stripped from the waist down and lay on the bed, positioned in the centre of the room with a huge inspection lamp over it. It all felt very clinical and like I would soon be probed by aliens. But the probe was only a speculum and he said that although he could see quite a bit of bleeding, it looked like my cervix was closed.
He told us he hoped that all would be well with the cervix being closed but he phoned Ysbyty Gwynedd to book an ultrasound for me for the next day.
We appreciated how thorough he was and thanked him before leaving.

Caz and I looked at each other and we could see in the other that we felt this was the end.
When we went to bed that night, Caz suggested he massage moisturiser into my belly as he had done for all the previous nights since we found out we were expecting. I didn't see the point. But I'm so glad he insisted. It was one final act of love from us towards our little baby. Caz kissed my belly goodnight and then we held each other tightly a lot of the night. It really was comforting but also a goodbye.

It is so sad that no one remembers or cares but us, the Grandparents (some of them anyway - Caz's Dad hasn't seen us, as a couple, since March although they did meet up sometime in June) and little Jesse's Auntie.
I'd set up a JustGiving and I'm just a bit sad that what is donated to little Jesse as they approach their first birthday is no doubt far less than what people would have spent on them if they were still alive. But at the same time, I'm very grateful that we've received anything. I even had a surprise donation from a former colleague which really touched my heart. It meant so much.
We've hit the initial target now but I'd like to see it into triple figures if at all possible, even if we donate a decent amount ourselves as Mummy and Daddy.

I spent the evening doing a labour of love - I baked a first birthday cake for Jesse.
I'd recently bought some icing flowers and wafer butterflies that I wanted to decorate the cake with from Hobbycraft. I also bought a big cake tin by Winton's called a countless celebrations cake tin. It has removable inserts that allow you to change the shape of the cake you bake. It gives you a guide through the numbers 0-9 and letters A-Z as well as a few punctuation marks.
One of the setups you can do is to make it into a number 1. That would be perfect for a first birthday cake.

Caz and I weren't sure if the tin volume would be the same or more than my usual two round 8" cake tins. We took all the dimensions, worked out the radius and somehow Caz worked out pi stuff for the round tins giving the volume, Then we took dimensions of the '1' set up and worked out the volume and it actually came out less than the two round tins!

I wasn't 100% convinced but I created my usual victoria sponge mixture - 4 eggs, 2 tsp of baking powder and 225g of sugar, flour and butter. I used my mixer to make the job a bit easier for me. I used a coconut oil cooking spray to 'grease' the tin. Then I poured the mixture into the tin and it was around 2/3 full which is spot on.

It went into the oven for 30 minutes at 180 degrees centigrade and a toothpick poked in came out clean.
I left it to cool for 10 minutes before starting to remove it from the tin. It needed a little persuasion... I ran a knife around all the edges, removed the inserts and then wiggled the entire cake manually to make sure no part was stuck to the cake tin.
I placed the cooling rack on top of the cake and flipped everything upside down. It came out after a good tap.

I'm so pleased with how well it has turned out!
It just needs to cool now before we put buttercream on and decorate it.

Disaster!
I've run out of butter and it is like 19:50 so most of the shops around us will be closing or already closed! But I found out Co-Op is open, it is in the next town over but that will be perfect for what I need.

I came back with some green food dye, white chocolate, wafer daisies and oreo doughnuts (just because).
I put 300g of butter and 600g of icing sugar in the mixer, found the bowl guard so dust didn't go everywhere and set it to go.
To be fair, this made a tonne of buttercream. I used probably between 2/3 to 3/4 of the buttercream. Using a palette knife, I spread the buttercream into dollops onto the cake before distributing it properly and smoothing it all out.
I called Caz through and he helped me see that less would be more with the decorations. We used the wafer butterflies and some icing white daisies with yellow centres.
I had also bought a silvery 'happy birthday' candle to pop on as the cherry on top.
Perfect. It was a little emotional but it was exactly as we had hoped.

15th August

A year ago today, I woke up curled in a ball in a lot of pain. I went to the bathroom in the early daylight hours, in pain and profusely sweating, I almost passed out.
Then at around 07:30am I had the urge to go to the bathroom again and felt something pass through me. I had passed the pregnancy sac. I had a miscarriage early in my first pregnancy.
We didn't know if the baby, at 11 weeks 6 days (although they probably had passed away weeks earlier), was a boy or girl but we named them Jesse - meaning gift. The gift to us was learning what was important in life and how to be resilient.

A year ago today the weather wasn't windy and rainy but the sun still shone, the birds still sang and people carried on with their days. Despite our events, the world carried on turning.

This year we tried to make happy memories to make the date easier.

Caz and I baked a first birthday cake and I made some green bead earrings with angel wing charms.

We received and bought gifts - a bronze wire and white bead butterfly, knitted baby feet, a Pandora droplet ring of Jesse's birthstone (peridot), a teddy and a bunch of flowers.
Thank you to those who remembered. Not many, not our colleagues, not our friends but only our parents and Caz's lovely sister.

We went out had hot chocolate in Costa Coffee, went to a garden centre and had afternoon tea (half price offer!).

The day has been quite nice and bearable. These milestones are difficult but we survive and I feel I need to carry on to live a happy life for my child.

Happy Birthday, Jesse!

I also had a trip to the hospital today which was a bit of a difficult groundhog day to last year.

First stop was the phlebotomy unit to get some blood tests done. The unit was closed until 1pm. That would be no good for me as I needed to have the test 12 hours after my last dose of medications.
We'll come back on Friday when we go to Caz's private appointment in a different medical centre in Bangor. It is on the way either way.

After we returned from Costa coffee having hot chocolate as a welcome pause between appointments, we went for our 28-week ultrasound scan.
Perfect!
She is growing amazingly and has actually put on 485g since 4-weeks ago. Chunky little bugger! Her heart looks great, her stomach is the correct side of the diaphragm and she is head down so getting ready in the coming weeks to make her entrance into this big and scary world.

Dr Clark was so pleased with the growth progress and feels quite positive about our little girl! You can't ask for better news on a low day like this!

We went home for a light lunch - I had cheese and biscuits and Caz had a crumpet, slice of toast and baked beans.
After a nap to recuperate we headed off to Fron Goch, the garden centre by Caernarfon and had afternoon tea and a bit of a peruse around the items in the store.

The afternoon tea was lovely!
Being a pescetarian I could actually eat all of the sandwich options we were given - flaked salmon fillet, cucumber and cheese and onion. No crusts! That made them yummier!
There was a huge scone split in two with jam and clotted cream topped with half a strawberry, a slice of bara brith cut in half, a meringue nest with plenty of cream and fruit stuffed in it with a drizzle of fruit compote (the inside of the meringue was perfectly chewy, just how I like it) and a mango cheesecake on a biscuit base to finish.
So yummy, so rich and extravagant and so worth it!

We watched one of the races from Rockingham and it was quite exciting and action-packed!

Before we headed to bed, we lit the candle on Jesse's cake. It didn't feel right to sing happy birthday but we just held each other and felt a little emotional. It is sad that Jesse isn't here but at least we marked the day with something.

16th August

Today was a bit of a non-event day.
Good in that nothing bad happened but rubbish in that it verged on boring!

There were two sales on that I hit mildly today - the Asda and Aldi sales.
I ordered fitted cotbed sheets from Asda and my Mum ordered baby sleep bags in the same design. This was entirely by fluke but they will look really good being so coordinated!
From Aldi, I bought a heap of baby stuff - food prep machine and storage containers, a mirror for the back headrest in the car so you can see your baby, a comforter blanket, a few other bits and bobs and some crafty items.
The craft items I bought were a soldering iron and a calligraphy set! Some new things to add a few strings to my bow.

17th August

Caz and I both have the day off today. He has his private consultation about the pain he has been experiencing in his groin.

The consultant was very nice, knowledgeable and he was able to help us relax a bit.
After taking Caz's medical history and what medications he is on, he asked about hobbies and what he does for a living. I guess these were to give an idea about whether Caz might be suitable for surgery and what might have contributed to the pain he has been in.

The consultant then examined Caz. Firstly, he was stood up and felt both sides of Caz's groin looked normal - no disproportionate swelling or such.
Then on lying, he asked Caz to cough and was feeling the muscles around his groin. He suspects a hernia! You can't not believe him as this Dr says he has around 40 years experience.

So now, the plan of action is to have a blood test next week at our GP surgery to check the health of his kidneys and then in around 3-weeks, he will receive a letter from Ysbyty Gwynedd about a CT scan. The blood test is needed as they inject dye into you so things show up more clearly on the scan. The dye can cause issues if you have kidney problems.

If it is a hernia, as suspected, then Caz will be booked in around October for a laparoscopy (camera via keyhole surgery). If there is a hernia, it will be repaired there and then. If not, they may use the opportunity as explorations to work out what the issue is.
It will be a day case and he will be expected to be up and be eating soon afterwards and then walk out the same day. Within a week he can build up to more normal activities and after 6-weeks he can start lifting heavier weights again!

I can't tell you how relieving it is to hear all of this.
It may still all be a little up in the air with investigations, but at least there is a plan and we are finally being taken seriously.
Knowing in about 2-months time our lives will hopefully be starting to return to normal is amazing.

I'm in the third trimester now - 28-weeks! Very exciting if nerve-wracking!

We had some bad news today too though. My parents rang and let us know that their 13-year-old chocolate labrador - Holly - had to be put to sleep a few days ago.
She was a rescue dog from a labrador centre. It was thought she was abandoned as she had arthritis from a young age.
She lived a happy and comfortable life with my parent's from when she was 18-months old!

They invested in many pills, potions, therapies and treatments over the years to make sure Holly always felt as happy as could be.
She couldn't have had a better home.

I never bonded amazingly with Holly, but I think that is because I moved out of my parents around 6-months after they got Holly.
She was a bumbling and soft dog though. Loved swimming and strolling on the beach.

I'll finish this post with a few photos of Holly over the years.

18th August

Today, after I got up I made a keyring for my parents as a little memento for Holly. Just a simple thing but it is the thought behind it.
I used little letter dice and some brown tone gemstones - I think it was either Jasper or Tiger Eye. I thought they looked like the same colour as Holly!

I wanted to deliver some of Jesse's birthday cake to my parents and some to my in-laws.
Caz was in too much discomfort to come with me, and so I set off on my own. 1 quarter of the cake was on a plate in the footwell of my car and another quarter was on the passenger seat.
I'd literally got 5 minutes from home when this happened...

Once I got to my parents, they got some coffee on the go and offered me a slice of the cake too.
They were pleased with the little keyring, so I'm glad I made it!
I stayed for around an hour before I thought I should get a move on and visit the in-laws!

It turns out Elaine and Hugh weren't in. They had apparently gone to Bodnant Gardens for the morning. So I left the plate of cake on their doorstop.

In the evening, Rob (from Germany) and Brendan (a local friend that Caz never gets around to meeting up with) came over.
Rob is in the area for a visit and brought Brendan along as the previous day he had a mountain bike accident and hyperextended his knee.
We had a good long catch up and a chip shop takeaway (Rob can't get this in Berlin!).

It was nice seeing them all together again. Caz is rubbish at keeping in touch with people. I don't know if that is just a lad thing or a getting sucked in by grown-up life and it's trials and tribulations. I managed to stay up until lateish but come just gone 10pm I decided to call it a night and went upstairs to read and I must have been fast asleep by the time they left as I didn't hear a thing!

19th August

I wanted to commit some actual quality time to craft this weekend.
So the first task was to open up and try out my calligraphy set.

There was a pot of ink, a pen with 5 different nibs and a handful of sheets showing different styles of writing along with a brief instructional sheet.
I had a good go and it will definitely take a little while to get used to the pen. As the pen has a varnished wood handle, I think I may need to wrap some sort of tape where I want to hold it as it kept moving between my fingers.

Walter tried to pinch my yoghurt, berries and granola this morning!
He attempted to climb my knee and then went to another vantage point on the arm of the chair!

Some other craft I completed this morning after receiving some supplies.

A matching necklace to a recent pair of earrings I created:

A personalised bracelet with my name and using purple tone beads:

Walter was a happy and cuddly cat today.
He loves having his humans home during the day and so always makes the most of weekends together.

My bump is getting quite big now and behind us is the completed patchwork quilt I made recently!

Oh and to finish off my day, I relisted some of the eBay items but I put them in bundles.
So there were fitness DVDs grouped together, recipe books in a batch and so on. Hopefully, more things will sell this time fingers crossed!

Week 26

6th August

A bit of an unusual day and start to the week.
I have an echocardiogram to go to this morning. But it is a bit later in the day. So, before I even left home for the hospital, I had watched an episode of Reign!

When I arrived at the hospital, I went to where I was told - the cardiology investigations unit. Once I checked in there the girl said that today the echocardiograms were actually being carried out on the 3rd floor.
She said it was a room directly opposite the lifts on that floor. When I got there I was a little confused. I looked around. There was a ward one direction, a different ward the other way and the only other thing I could see was this door with two chairs outside it by the lifts. Immediately next to this, there were two disabled toilets.
It didn't feel right, but then I noticed on the door it had a small notice saying 'please take a seat and wait to be called for echocardiograms'.
Being right on display, in a corridor by the lifts was really weird. In front of me, there were a few abandoned hospital bed/trolleys.

After about 10-15 minutes I was called in.
The woman was a 'cardiac physiologist'. She told me to take everything off from the waist up, put a hospital gown on like a dressing gown and climb on the treatment bed.

Lying on my left side, she then used some gel on the ultrasound probe and started to scan my chest. On the screen, you could see this anatomic heart shape and the valves within it flapping away. It is such a clever thing. In that, it has the strength to pump blood around the whole of your body. The valves stop blood flowing backwards between all the chambers. The issue I have is that, from my understanding, I have dilated cardiomyopathy (DCM).
"The ventricles are the lower chambers of the heart, which receive blood from the atria above and pump it to the lungs, and to the rest of the body. The walls of both ventricles are thick and muscular. However, the wall of the left ventricle is thicker than the right as it is the main pumping chamber: pumping blood at high pressure to all areas of the body.
In DCM, the left ventricle becomes stretched and enlarged. The walls of the ventricle become thinner and can appear ‘baggy’. This gives the heart a rounded or spherical shape, rather than its usual ‘cone’ shape. The thinner walls are weakened, and so are not able to contract or ‘squeeze’ as normal. This makes the heart less effective at pumping blood out."

So, the physiologist would have been checking all the various structures of my heart and assessing how much blood volume it was pumping around and if all chambers were behaving as it should.
The worry with pregnancy and my heart condition is that my heart might struggle during the strains of labour.
She told me that the report will be prepared by the end of the day and be with my consultant by the end of the week. I'm not sure when I'll hear anything myself, but maybe no news is good news?!

On my lunch break, I watched a Ted Talks video. I find them quite inspiring and interesting as they are usually on topics I know little about or you want to hear from someone who has been through something similar to yourself and feel less alone.
Well, the one I watched today was called "Measuring what makes life worthwhile - Chip Conley".

It got me thinking. If you don't really take into account materialistic things, what makes me happy? A lot of what makes me happy is going out for dinner with Caz or having coffee and cake on a shopping trip out. That is all bought with money but is it also an experience and memory you are creating?

So from that deduction, essentially Caz makes me happy. I love spending time with him. We share a lot together and have been through a heap of things that even couples married for 50 years might not even experience. Life has thrown us a lot of curve balls. Health, family, financial worries. We've experienced a lot in our 8 years of marriage. We love a lot of the same things - motorsport, some music, how we spend our time. We have the same opinions on life and news and values. I literally feel like we were meant to be together and he is my soulmate. Finding your life partner is like finding an exact matching puzzle piece that slots into place. It completes you.

Walter makes me happy too - my tabby cat. He is gentle and loving and clumsy! He makes me laugh and makes me smile. I think Caz and I both feel that Walter really helped us through the tough times of life after baby loss. He was a distraction and also would love and snuggle with us when we felt sad. I don't think Walter even realises the effect he has had on us. He does seem a bit dim, bless him. We do think maybe he was knocked by a car in a previous life or perhaps even mistreated. His tongue often hangs out, he dribbles and his clumsiness and dim ways do seem to suggest to us he had a head injury at some point. That ties in with having a dental injury when the RSPCA picked him up. He also sometimes gets a little scared. When you approach him on occasion he sometimes gets nervous and runs away. He is particularly like that with Caz. It makes us wonder if a man in the past hurt him. It is such a shame but he seems so content and happy now. He looks so much healthier too. He was quite chunky when we got him but now although he still weighs the same, he is lean and fit!

I also love going for local strolls. We walk through fields, along the country lanes, across marshland and also through woodland. We love trees. They are so peaceful. We would like to get some waterproof trousers and new wellies so we never have an excuse to not go for a walk if we'd like to. Currently, we only walk when it is fair weather!

I know I said I was trying to find things that didn't need money to buy but certain things I buy do make me happy - coffee, coffee cake, victoria sponge, Chinese takeaway, Dominos, Italian food and Haribo.

So, now I know what I love and what makes me happy, I need to make sure I get more of these things!

As Walter is such a good boy, I bought him his favourite style of toy when I spotted it on eBay. He loves 'string dolls'. They are some sort of catnip thing with a string wrapped doll around it. They look a little like voodoo dolls or something but he loves ripping their limbs off and unravelling them. He's had a snowman, a zombie and now a thief!

He loves it!

7th August

One of the things I did today, was double check I'm eating the right amount of calories to properly fuel my body and help my baby grow.
Although I started this pregnancy a bit overweight (my BMI was about 26) because of comfort eating with grief, I haven't put much weight on during the months so far.
I've put on maybe 5kg (11lbs) but I feel that probably isn't enough. According to Dr Google, I should gain between 25-35lbs during the whole pregnancy. That works out at around 11-16kg weight gain.
I've tried to eat to my hunger and where I can to pick healthier snacks. I've also tried to keep active, even if that only means hitting my step goal for the day.

So I found a calories calculator to give me a point in the right direction of how many calories I should be eating in this trimester.
This is the calculator I found: Pregnancy & breastfeeding calorie calculator.
You pop in your age, height, weight pre-pregnancy and activity level. It then works out how many calories you'd need to maintain that previous weight.
1946 calories for me. Then you can make adjustments. You gave click a checkbox to say whether you are in your 1st trimester or 2nd/3rd trimester or breastfeeding.
As I'm approaching week 27, the end of the 2nd trimester, I would now be on 2246 calories. When the baby arrives and I am (hopefully) breastfeeding I should be taking in 2446 calories a day.

To be fair, that is quite a lot of calories! I'm still trying to pick healthier foods but a problem I'm finding is that a lot of healthy foods are low in calories. So I'm having to add in supper and other 'meals' plus upping my protein intake to make sure I meet this target. I don't feel overly full but I am tired. I think that brief window of more energy during the 2nd trimester has now passed and I'm on to the final slog of feeling fat and tired and just want our baby here now!

I almost forgot to mention that the baby car seat arrived today!
We went for the Recaro one in the end. Even though they are withdrawing from this specific division of the market and won't be offering support beyond a year, we felt it was the safest and best car seat available on the market.
Yes, it was expensive,  but can you put a price on your child's safety? I know I wouldn't.

We watched the latest Handmaid's tale. I have to admit, I read ahead on an episode guide. I just knew I would be an actual inconsolable, blubbering mess if Nick died, so I wanted to prepare myself. But at the start of the episode, there he was, none the worse for wear! Someone does die and it was upsetting but I won't spoil it for anyone else!
All I will say is that they started to recite this as they prepared to die and it really got the tears flowing. It is a quote from the Bible, but that doesn't take away from the emotional effect of the entire scene. The character didn't get to the end of the quote.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a

8th August

This feels long overdue - a whole day off. The first thing I did? Went back to bed. I need to rest my weary bloated body!

First stop - renal unit - there is no rest for the long-term ill people!
At my obstetric appointment last week, Dr Clark said she wanted someone to check my blood pressure and urine samples once a week. So this week it is Rebecca's turn.
She was a little late seeing me but I bumped into a fellow patient - Brett. Brett does so much good work advocating for kidney patients in Wales. So much so that he is the Patient Advocate for North Wales on behalf of Kidney Wales.
His profile is: Brett Kidney Wales
He visits all the hospitals in North Wales, talks to patients (pre-transplant, on dialysis and post-transplant) to get an idea of what they need and want from Kidney Wales. He attends a lot of conferences and talks on our behalf in Cardiff.
But it was nice to catch up with him, I've probably not seen him in over a year but he knows all the ins and outs of my pregnancy loss and subsequent pregnancy and him having a sister who is a midwife does help!

My blood pressure was spot on and if there were issues with my urine sample Rebecca would contact me.

Next stop - Specsavers.
Once I was there, I was checked in by a lady. Then she did the initial tests on the various machinery. Each needed you to put your chin on a support and place your forehead against a rest. The first machine showed a picture of a hot air balloon which went in and out of focus. The same machine then did the air puff test. I hate this. My reactions seem to get quicker on each subsequent attempt. You need 3 puffs in each eye. I blink almost every time. That is to check the pressures in your eyes. Another machine you had to stare into at a black square. Then you pressed a button when saw some wavy lines. I think this checked your periphery vision.
As soon as this finished I needed to go on a toilet hunt. I asked and there were no facilities in the shop but the nearest was located if you went in the lift to the top floor and  it was immediately on the left. The lifts only went down. I googled the nearest toilet and it guided me out of the shopping centre, down the road and to a public toilet by a bus depot. I rushed back and was seen almost immediately by the optician!
He reviewed the results that the lady did and commented that my eye pressures were brilliant. He then did the various tests he needed to do.
I commented that I had been noticing that at nighttime or in tunnels when driving I would notice brake lights looked starred and out of focus. But he said my eyes were pretty much perfect. There has been no change since like 2 years ago and I don't need a prescription. My eyes vision was about 0.25 one way or the other... But that is pretty negligible and not worth trying to correct.

Next stop - lunch.
I thought about going to Greggs but that is something I've done plenty of times before and I'm wanting to push myself a little more nowadays. You start small and then build up. I'm still at the small stage! Baby steps and all that to push me out of my comfort zone. So I debated about going to Subway for lunch but then walked by Wok & Go. I love noodles but I've never been to a noodle bar. Why not today!
I went in, ordered a regular veggie sweet & sour box and had a fizzy Vimto drink. I ate in at one of the raised bar stools and actually really enjoyed it all. It was super tasty and quite filling. I think the drinks came with free refills but I didn't need any more fluid. My body doesn't hold much now with such regular toilet breaks!
I'd highly recommend Wok & Go - affordable and yummy!

I went to a few charity shops but I didn't get anything. Then I went to The Works and bought a few new craft supplies - an A2 cutting mat, a set of scissors, a cutting wheel and some colourful twine.

The main place I wanted to go was Pandora. I have never stepped foot into one of their stores before. They look so posh, clean and shiny. Not for the likes of me. But who is it for then? Why not me?! So in I went.
I had briefly looked online at some of their ranges and one thing that caught my eye was their birthstone rings. They are called Droplet Birthstone Rings and the one I particularly wanted was their August one. August's stone is Peridot. It is a beautiful pale green gemstone. I have to admit that I haven't always loved green. It may be the colour of a lot of the flora but I'd often been told by others 'oh, I never suit green' whenever I've worn anything green myself. It seems to be a hated colour amongst a lot of people I know. So I assumed I shouldn't like it either. I had a green car! I loved it. It was such a deep 'British racing green' and shimmered in the sunlight. But still, I wasn't sure.
But now that Jesse touched my life and that was their birthstone I have fallen in love with it!

It turns out I'm a size 60 in rings. What is that? Millimetres? Everywhere else measures in letters!
My thought is that I'll buy this peridot droplet birthstone ring in memory of Jesse and give it to myself on the 15th of August - a weeks time. Then when my little girl arrives I will ask Caz to buy me her birthstone ring as a 'push present'!
"A push present is a present a father gives to the mother to mark the occasion of her giving birth to their child. In practice, the present may be given before or after the birth, or even in the delivery room."
The birthstone rings look lovely stacked together and so the beautiful siblings can be close even if they never actually knew each other.
Sapphire is the stone for September, Opal or 'rose' for October and Citrine for November.
I've got an opal ring on another finger that was my Grandma's. But whatever this little one is, we can get her birthstone added to my finger!

I've also been thinking about tattoos. I got that butterfly, crescent moon and dangling star for Jesse and I feel like I'd love to add a rainbow footprint for my baby girl. I imagine I'd wait until February time to get it and it would be her actual footprint but scaled down a bit to put on my forearm next to Jesse's design.
I do have a couple other ideas for tattoos - a magnolia for my Grandma and Winnie the Pooh floating away with a balloon while Piglet watches which would represent Grandpa and me.

9th August

Work wasn't great today - we couldn't get on to our emails so that was proving fun for the orders team. They rely on technology to do anything really!
Luckily though, I was able to carry on with my work and kept myself busy.

I have been really flagging with energy today. I wanted to drive to the local beach carpark to have a sleep in my car during my lunch break but as it was a sunny day I thought that it would be heaving with it being in the summer holidays and full peak for the tourists visiting!
So instead, I worked through my lunch and left 30-minutes early.

10th August

I'm still seriously flagging with energy again.
I managed to get through to around 11am when I had to give up and go and have a power nap in a little office. I listened to a meditation track to drown out various noises and to help me be in a nice place and just shut my eyes and relaxed back in a chair.
I only needed around 15-minutes and then felt a little more energised to carry on with my day.

I managed to find a bit more energy in the evening and so Caz and I went for an evening stroll in the sunshine. It was nice to get out and get moving again.

My parents are popping over tomorrow to help with some garden chores that neither of us is currently able to do.
That will be a big help and will make the front of the house look a little neater again!

11th August

We did a bit of cleaning in the morning. Nothing revolutionary, just tidying and a bit of decluttering and sweeping.
My parents are coming over to help out in the garden for a bit this afternoon so we wanted the place to look at least a little presentable.

My Mum had baked and brought over a lemon drizzle cake.
It was quite light and tasty!

Then my Mum got to work using our Ryobi strimmer on the steep bank and my Dad used the petrol push mower along a flat bit of the lawn beyond the patio that the robot mower can't get to. My Dad hasn't long come out of a cast for his broken hand/wrist but he feels able to push the mower, especially seeing it is easy to start and it slightly propels itself and so just needs guiding.

After they left, I cracked on with a bit of craft.

I made some green bead teardrop shape earrings with angel wing charms dangling from them. I used green beads as they are inspired by peridot - the birthstone for Jesse.

While I was digging through my beads I found these graduated sized heart beads. I thought they might make a nice stacked pair of earrings. They have a lovely iridescent sheen to them. Quite delicate and dainty. I don't think I suit any jewellery that is too chunky with being petite myself.

Struggling to find items in my study and even to move around very well in there or find working space, I was inspired to tidy the room.
Now everything has its rightful home to live, I have all my tools in a caddy, all my cross-stitch/embroidery in another case, sewing things in another little box and a drawer filing cabinet crammed full of various craft supplies - coloured sharpie pens, beads, card toppers, envelopes, sewing patterns and so many other things in between!

It actually feels an inspirational space now. I can almost feel the creativity flow.
Caz was saying the room, although small, is crying out for another work surface. Perhaps this could be between my corner dresser and the drawer filing cabinet and will be where I do the majority of my craft. That will leave my desk as a sewing space and to simply be used as a desk. That will make such a useful space.
I can't wait to get working in it!

12th August

Today I did a fair bit more craft! After tidying my room I want to strike while the iron is hot and keep the flow going with the creativity!

I started on some Christmas decorations. Early, I know, but I'm not sure when I will next get a chance to do any Christmas craft and don't want to be empty handed come the day!

I have these cute little hanging jars that I want to stuff with feathers and white, green and red pompoms before mounting a green twine wrapped J in each. I'm not sure if the J will look best inside the jar or on the front... I will experiment and rig up a sample to see what looks best I guess!

I also finally finished the baby's patchwork quilt!

There were only a few little niggly things to do but I knew it wouldn't take long. 

I noticed a few little bits where the stitch didn't catch the material. I didn't want the wadding to start poking out between the seams so I knew I should remove the wadding and turn it all inside out again. 

There were only 2 or 3 missed stitches and it didn't take long at all to catch them all. While I was at this, I decided to make the hole to stuff the quilt a bit smaller so there was less to hand stitch. I thought it might look neater in the end, even if it could end up being a bit of a faff to turn it the right way out and stuff it... My hand luckily still just about fitted in the hole. Phew!

I pushed the sheet of wadding in and had to work out the right way around - one edge is slightly longer than the other. I secured the wadding in place at the corners with some clothes pegs and then got out some yellow embroidery thread.

I used the full 6 strands together and a thick embroidery needle to go through all the layers at various points to secure everything. I went through at centre points of quads of squares, made sure the thread had equal lengths and then knotted it in place.

Lastly, I had to hand sew up the little opening gap. I haven't done much sewing at all to be honest so wasn't sure what stitch to use. I think it might have been a whip stitch? I made sure to have all the seams folded in neatly and so it was barely noticeable. I tried to keep the stitches about equal distance apart but it is hard to judge that by eye.

All finished!

We finally caught up with the final race from the BTCC Snetterton meet. This was a double length race with double points on offer and actually was quite exciting and kept our interests going throughout!

OMG! We saw the end of season episode for handmaid's tale. So many unanswered questions left and endings remaining open.

Spoiling everything for everyone...

Emily is now living with Commander Lawrence who she thinks is evil but I get the impression he is actually a good guy. His wife has some issues, mental issues I think, and he has to placate her and you see him locking her away in the bedroom at one point. Lawrence is clearly some originator for Gilead but perhaps it has snowballed and become something far removed from his first intentions. He asks Emily about her wife and son, what music she enjoys and passes her some beer.

Emily is then due her first ceremony and so goes to the lounge area and kneels on a cushion. Music is playing in the background but she still seems none the wiser. Lawrence is just listening to music and asks where the Martha is. She didn't know. "What are you doing?" he asks, "its the ceremony tonight" Emily replied, "No it's not, go to your room". For some reason, maybe with being treated so badly previously, Emily is still very scared of him and when Aunt Lydia visits and says Lawrence said how well the ceremony went, Emily stabs her in the back with some paring knife! I have to admit, I didn't see this coming... She then pushes an ailing Lydia down the stairs. The Martha runs out and shouts to Lawrence to call for an ambulance.

This is the first open ending you get. Is Aunt Lydia dead? Is she still alive? I had mixed feelings about Aunt Lydia. She is very much committed to the system and the process, perhaps with her elevated position, but she also has a heart after she previously opened up to June saying her Godchild passed away but there was nothing she could do and how bad she felt about it. She then agreed to keep an eye out for baby Nicole/Holly when June was no longer around.

Next, you see with Emily is that Emily is taken down into what appears to be a basement by Lawrence but then put in a car in the garage. He doesn't have a jeep or van like everyone else but some sort of fancy electric car. He is definitely a different sort of person. He puts on some music in the car and asks if she likes it. Emily gets really angry and upset and gets him to turn it off. I think she expects she is being taken back to the colonies but surely everything he's done for her is a hint to that being a completely false assumption.
He ends up parking under a bridge and gets Emily out of the car. An army truck style vehicle pulls up and she asks what he is doing "getting myself into deep shit". The truck is to be her escape route. He is setting her free.

This is the next set of questions I have... Does she make it across the border? Does the vehicle get ambushed? Does she end up meeting Luke or Moira? What next?!

Serena starts to stand up with women's rights. A lot of the wives stand up with her and they take their worries to the commanders. But Serena then reads a passage from the bible and says how she believes that girls should have the chance to learn from the scripture. All the other women slowly file out, backing down, ceasing their support of Serena. She stands alone. It is all on her shoulders. She goes back out into the corridor and Fred meets her but she is swiftly taken away by guards.
The next you see of her she has had a finger chopped off. For standing up for her baby's rights and fighting her corner she gets punished. She is really dismayed and let down by the system.

Nick finally gets to meet and hold baby Nicole/Holly. He seems smitten!

There was also a big fire apparently set off by some demonstrators nearby Fred's house. I don't know how orchestrated it was, but Rita finds June and passes her baby Nicole saying to go and that there was a Martha waiting for her outside.
Fred hears a commotion and runs upstairs to find the baby. June has already left the house at this point. Rita glares at Fred when he asks what is going on. Nick follows Fred up when he runs to June's room. Fred says they have to put a search party out to find his baby but Nick shows a gun he has on his belt and tells him it isn't safe out there.
What now for Nick and Rita? Will there conspiring with June lead to their punishment or deaths? I desperately hope not. Nick is such an amazing character. Just with small facial expressions, you can feel his emotions.

On the way out, June is spotted by Serena. She doesn't want her to leave with her baby. June explains that it is for the best future for Nicole and that she can have a normal life and not be stuck in this system. June passes Nicole to Serena one last time, she recites some passage to her and gives her a kiss on the forehead before handing her back to June so she can escape with the guidance of the Martha.
The Martha can only take her so far but she hands June over to another Martha and another. There is a string of people to help June and Nicole escape.
They finally run towards the edge of the field and wait. A car approaches and parks under a bridge and flashes its lights. It is Lawrence and Emily.
June is all set to climb on the army truck with Emily but first passes Nicole up to Emily. June then says to look after her and call her Nicole before stepping down from the truck and indicating to the truck to go.
She puts her hood up with a determined look and that is the end of the season!

What now?! Does she go back to find Hannah and escape with her? Does she go back to seek revenge on Fred? Does she find Nick so they can escape and elope together? There are so many questions!

I understand that the TV series has gone beyond the content of the novel now. It was with Margeret Atwood's blessing. But there are no ways to get spoilers now, only conspiracies!

A week ago I mentioned that I put some items up on eBay. There was interest in a few items but only 2 sold in the end.
These were jigsaws - a 1980's sweet memories and also a vintage map of Bangor, North Wales.
I will post them tomorrow.