I'll try and get back up to date ASAP!
13th August
I muddled through work but knew I'd have a mad dash on my hands when I got home.
I am posting those two jigsaws out to the winners of the eBay auctions.
I dug the jigsaws out, wrapped them in bubble wrap, popped them in big shipping bags, bought the postage online through eBay and stuck the details on.
I then rushed down to the Post Office and all I had to do was hand them over and they scanned the labels, handed me a confirmation receipt and put the packages in the bags for the postal people.
Done!
In the evening, Caz and I watched the build-up at Rockingham for the BTCC. There have been a few drivers changes. We just aren't used to midseason changes! In sports, like F1 it is generally a season-long commitment and unless you do something horrendously awful, ala Daniil Kvyat, no changes or swaps going on.
I spent the rest of the evening reading. I've finally reached the epilogue in Insomnia by Stephen King. I've by no means read every day. There have been times when I probably haven't read for weeks with so much going on in my mind and just not being in the right time in life to read. But finally, I see an end in sight!
I've read a couple Stephen King books int he past and a few other novels but mostly my history is chic lit, as trashy as it can be. I love that I can't foresee what is going to happen if everyone lives or dies and it all ends happily or horrendously! The suspense is now killing me. Hopefully, I'll get a chance at some point this week to pick up the tome and read the final bit!
14th August
I'm quite surprised by how uneventful today has been. I was half expecting that with it being a day away from Jesse's birthday that I might be quite distracted and emotional. But actually, I was quite calm and collected.
If anything, looking back, this date is worse then tomorrow's day.
This is the day we knew that Jesse was gone.
I'd been off work all day with bleeding and cramping. Both of these were worsening as the day progressed but I was loathed if I were to take painkillers for fear of what this might cause to the baby that I hoped was still living within me.
I managed to book a GP appointment but it wasn't until 5pm. I was literally itching, waiting for Caz to return home from work so he could rush me to the doctors' surgery. It felt like days not hours until my appointment.
I met and saw Dr Morris. I hadn't met him before I don't think as he was quite new to the surgery. He listened to my concerns, checked my symptoms to rule out ectopic pregnancy and then suggested he do a physical exam. Caz came in with me and he said how it had been coming on for the past 2 days. It started on a Saturday and now it was a Monday.
He called a nurse and we went through to an examination room. I stripped from the waist down and lay on the bed, positioned in the centre of the room with a huge inspection lamp over it. It all felt very clinical and like I would soon be probed by aliens. But the probe was only a speculum and he said that although he could see quite a bit of bleeding, it looked like my cervix was closed.
He told us he hoped that all would be well with the cervix being closed but he phoned Ysbyty Gwynedd to book an ultrasound for me for the next day.
We appreciated how thorough he was and thanked him before leaving.
Caz and I looked at each other and we could see in the other that we felt this was the end.
When we went to bed that night, Caz suggested he massage moisturiser into my belly as he had done for all the previous nights since we found out we were expecting. I didn't see the point. But I'm so glad he insisted. It was one final act of love from us towards our little baby. Caz kissed my belly goodnight and then we held each other tightly a lot of the night. It really was comforting but also a goodbye.
It is so sad that no one remembers or cares but us, the Grandparents (some of them anyway - Caz's Dad hasn't seen us, as a couple, since March although they did meet up sometime in June) and little Jesse's Auntie.
I'd set up a JustGiving and I'm just a bit sad that what is donated to little Jesse as they approach their first birthday is no doubt far less than what people would have spent on them if they were still alive. But at the same time, I'm very grateful that we've received anything. I even had a surprise donation from a former colleague which really touched my heart. It meant so much.
We've hit the initial target now but I'd like to see it into triple figures if at all possible, even if we donate a decent amount ourselves as Mummy and Daddy.
I spent the evening doing a labour of love - I baked a first birthday cake for Jesse.
I'd recently bought some icing flowers and wafer butterflies that I wanted to decorate the cake with from Hobbycraft. I also bought a big cake tin by Winton's called a countless celebrations cake tin. It has removable inserts that allow you to change the shape of the cake you bake. It gives you a guide through the numbers 0-9 and letters A-Z as well as a few punctuation marks.
One of the setups you can do is to make it into a number 1. That would be perfect for a first birthday cake.
Caz and I weren't sure if the tin volume would be the same or more than my usual two round 8" cake tins. We took all the dimensions, worked out the radius and somehow Caz worked out pi stuff for the round tins giving the volume, Then we took dimensions of the '1' set up and worked out the volume and it actually came out less than the two round tins!
I wasn't 100% convinced but I created my usual victoria sponge mixture - 4 eggs, 2 tsp of baking powder and 225g of sugar, flour and butter. I used my mixer to make the job a bit easier for me. I used a coconut oil cooking spray to 'grease' the tin. Then I poured the mixture into the tin and it was around 2/3 full which is spot on.
It went into the oven for 30 minutes at 180 degrees centigrade and a toothpick poked in came out clean.
I left it to cool for 10 minutes before starting to remove it from the tin. It needed a little persuasion... I ran a knife around all the edges, removed the inserts and then wiggled the entire cake manually to make sure no part was stuck to the cake tin.
I placed the cooling rack on top of the cake and flipped everything upside down. It came out after a good tap.
I'm so pleased with how well it has turned out!
It just needs to cool now before we put buttercream on and decorate it.
Disaster!
I've run out of butter and it is like 19:50 so most of the shops around us will be closing or already closed! But I found out Co-Op is open, it is in the next town over but that will be perfect for what I need.
I came back with some green food dye, white chocolate, wafer daisies and oreo doughnuts (just because).
I put 300g of butter and 600g of icing sugar in the mixer, found the bowl guard so dust didn't go everywhere and set it to go.
To be fair, this made a tonne of buttercream. I used probably between 2/3 to 3/4 of the buttercream. Using a palette knife, I spread the buttercream into dollops onto the cake before distributing it properly and smoothing it all out.
I called Caz through and he helped me see that less would be more with the decorations. We used the wafer butterflies and some icing white daisies with yellow centres.
I had also bought a silvery 'happy birthday' candle to pop on as the cherry on top.
Perfect. It was a little emotional but it was exactly as we had hoped.
15th August
A year ago today, I woke up curled in a ball in a lot of pain. I went to the bathroom in the early daylight hours, in pain and profusely sweating, I almost passed out.
Then at around 07:30am I had the urge to go to the bathroom again and felt something pass through me. I had passed the pregnancy sac. I had a miscarriage early in my first pregnancy.
We didn't know if the baby, at 11 weeks 6 days (although they probably had passed away weeks earlier), was a boy or girl but we named them Jesse - meaning gift. The gift to us was learning what was important in life and how to be resilient.
A year ago today the weather wasn't windy and rainy but the sun still shone, the birds still sang and people carried on with their days. Despite our events, the world carried on turning.
This year we tried to make happy memories to make the date easier.
Caz and I baked a first birthday cake and I made some green bead earrings with angel wing charms.
We received and bought gifts - a bronze wire and white bead butterfly, knitted baby feet, a Pandora droplet ring of Jesse's birthstone (peridot), a teddy and a bunch of flowers.
Thank you to those who remembered. Not many, not our colleagues, not our friends but only our parents and Caz's lovely sister.
We went out had hot chocolate in Costa Coffee, went to a garden centre and had afternoon tea (half price offer!).
The day has been quite nice and bearable. These milestones are difficult but we survive and I feel I need to carry on to live a happy life for my child.
Happy Birthday, Jesse!
I also had a trip to the hospital today which was a bit of a difficult groundhog day to last year.
First stop was the phlebotomy unit to get some blood tests done. The unit was closed until 1pm. That would be no good for me as I needed to have the test 12 hours after my last dose of medications.
We'll come back on Friday when we go to Caz's private appointment in a different medical centre in Bangor. It is on the way either way.
After we returned from Costa coffee having hot chocolate as a welcome pause between appointments, we went for our 28-week ultrasound scan.
Perfect!
She is growing amazingly and has actually put on 485g since 4-weeks ago. Chunky little bugger! Her heart looks great, her stomach is the correct side of the diaphragm and she is head down so getting ready in the coming weeks to make her entrance into this big and scary world.
Dr Clark was so pleased with the growth progress and feels quite positive about our little girl! You can't ask for better news on a low day like this!
We went home for a light lunch - I had cheese and biscuits and Caz had a crumpet, slice of toast and baked beans.
After a nap to recuperate we headed off to Fron Goch, the garden centre by Caernarfon and had afternoon tea and a bit of a peruse around the items in the store.
The afternoon tea was lovely!
Being a pescetarian I could actually eat all of the sandwich options we were given - flaked salmon fillet, cucumber and cheese and onion. No crusts! That made them yummier!
There was a huge scone split in two with jam and clotted cream topped with half a strawberry, a slice of bara brith cut in half, a meringue nest with plenty of cream and fruit stuffed in it with a drizzle of fruit compote (the inside of the meringue was perfectly chewy, just how I like it) and a mango cheesecake on a biscuit base to finish.
So yummy, so rich and extravagant and so worth it!
We watched one of the races from Rockingham and it was quite exciting and action-packed!
Before we headed to bed, we lit the candle on Jesse's cake. It didn't feel right to sing happy birthday but we just held each other and felt a little emotional. It is sad that Jesse isn't here but at least we marked the day with something.
16th August
Today was a bit of a non-event day.
Good in that nothing bad happened but rubbish in that it verged on boring!
There were two sales on that I hit mildly today - the Asda and Aldi sales.
I ordered fitted cotbed sheets from Asda and my Mum ordered baby sleep bags in the same design. This was entirely by fluke but they will look really good being so coordinated!
From Aldi, I bought a heap of baby stuff - food prep machine and storage containers, a mirror for the back headrest in the car so you can see your baby, a comforter blanket, a few other bits and bobs and some crafty items.
The craft items I bought were a soldering iron and a calligraphy set! Some new things to add a few strings to my bow.
17th August
Caz and I both have the day off today. He has his private consultation about the pain he has been experiencing in his groin.
The consultant was very nice, knowledgeable and he was able to help us relax a bit.
After taking Caz's medical history and what medications he is on, he asked about hobbies and what he does for a living. I guess these were to give an idea about whether Caz might be suitable for surgery and what might have contributed to the pain he has been in.
The consultant then examined Caz. Firstly, he was stood up and felt both sides of Caz's groin looked normal - no disproportionate swelling or such.
Then on lying, he asked Caz to cough and was feeling the muscles around his groin. He suspects a hernia! You can't not believe him as this Dr says he has around 40 years experience.
So now, the plan of action is to have a blood test next week at our GP surgery to check the health of his kidneys and then in around 3-weeks, he will receive a letter from Ysbyty Gwynedd about a CT scan. The blood test is needed as they inject dye into you so things show up more clearly on the scan. The dye can cause issues if you have kidney problems.
If it is a hernia, as suspected, then Caz will be booked in around October for a laparoscopy (camera via keyhole surgery). If there is a hernia, it will be repaired there and then. If not, they may use the opportunity as explorations to work out what the issue is.
It will be a day case and he will be expected to be up and be eating soon afterwards and then walk out the same day. Within a week he can build up to more normal activities and after 6-weeks he can start lifting heavier weights again!
I can't tell you how relieving it is to hear all of this.
It may still all be a little up in the air with investigations, but at least there is a plan and we are finally being taken seriously.
Knowing in about 2-months time our lives will hopefully be starting to return to normal is amazing.
I'm in the third trimester now - 28-weeks! Very exciting if nerve-wracking!
We had some bad news today too though. My parents rang and let us know that their 13-year-old chocolate labrador - Holly - had to be put to sleep a few days ago.
She was a rescue dog from a labrador centre. It was thought she was abandoned as she had arthritis from a young age.
She lived a happy and comfortable life with my parent's from when she was 18-months old!
They invested in many pills, potions, therapies and treatments over the years to make sure Holly always felt as happy as could be.
She couldn't have had a better home.
I never bonded amazingly with Holly, but I think that is because I moved out of my parents around 6-months after they got Holly.
She was a bumbling and soft dog though. Loved swimming and strolling on the beach.
I'll finish this post with a few photos of Holly over the years.
18th August
Today, after I got up I made a keyring for my parents as a little memento for Holly. Just a simple thing but it is the thought behind it.
I used little letter dice and some brown tone gemstones - I think it was either Jasper or Tiger Eye. I thought they looked like the same colour as Holly!
I wanted to deliver some of Jesse's birthday cake to my parents and some to my in-laws.
Caz was in too much discomfort to come with me, and so I set off on my own. 1 quarter of the cake was on a plate in the footwell of my car and another quarter was on the passenger seat.
I'd literally got 5 minutes from home when this happened...
They were pleased with the little keyring, so I'm glad I made it!
I stayed for around an hour before I thought I should get a move on and visit the in-laws!
It turns out Elaine and Hugh weren't in. They had apparently gone to Bodnant Gardens for the morning. So I left the plate of cake on their doorstop.
In the evening, Rob (from Germany) and Brendan (a local friend that Caz never gets around to meeting up with) came over.
Rob is in the area for a visit and brought Brendan along as the previous day he had a mountain bike accident and hyperextended his knee.
We had a good long catch up and a chip shop takeaway (Rob can't get this in Berlin!).
It was nice seeing them all together again. Caz is rubbish at keeping in touch with people. I don't know if that is just a lad thing or a getting sucked in by grown-up life and it's trials and tribulations. I managed to stay up until lateish but come just gone 10pm I decided to call it a night and went upstairs to read and I must have been fast asleep by the time they left as I didn't hear a thing!
19th August
I wanted to commit some actual quality time to craft this weekend.
So the first task was to open up and try out my calligraphy set.
There was a pot of ink, a pen with 5 different nibs and a handful of sheets showing different styles of writing along with a brief instructional sheet.
I had a good go and it will definitely take a little while to get used to the pen. As the pen has a varnished wood handle, I think I may need to wrap some sort of tape where I want to hold it as it kept moving between my fingers.
Walter tried to pinch my yoghurt, berries and granola this morning!
He attempted to climb my knee and then went to another vantage point on the arm of the chair!
Some other craft I completed this morning after receiving some supplies.
A matching necklace to a recent pair of earrings I created:
A personalised bracelet with my name and using purple tone beads:
Walter was a happy and cuddly cat today.
He loves having his humans home during the day and so always makes the most of weekends together.
My bump is getting quite big now and behind us is the completed patchwork quilt I made recently!
Oh and to finish off my day, I relisted some of the eBay items but I put them in bundles.
So there were fitness DVDs grouped together, recipe books in a batch and so on. Hopefully, more things will sell this time fingers crossed!
No comments:
Post a Comment