I've noticed a genuine slip in the level of my moods. I keep a daily journal on Daylio. On there you can register your overall mood and then click on icons to add the activities you did and add in any comments you want to remind you of this day.
I've gone from having the occasional rad day, to mostly good days to now nearly all are 'meh'.
I flagged this up with the midwife I saw this afternoon.
She asked if her saying "baby will be soon" is stressing me out. I've known since day dot when we started to plan to have a baby that my baby will be small and early. That isn't the issue.
Her refusing to go over my birth plan as it isn't the procedure to look into it this early is what is stressing me out.
Having a previous loss and feeling that death is the only possible outcome is what is stressing me out.
Having to think about treatments that are way beyond my tolerance levels is what is stressing me out.
Having my husband feel like the enemy rather than part of my support team is what is stressing me out.
Having a dirty house but being advised to 'rest' and having had risk assessments telling me a whole host of things I can't do, yet the hoovering needs doing and my husband is in too much pain to help out is what is stressing me out.
She is going to refer me to the antenatal mental health midwife. I am also seeing Paul, the clinical psychologist on Tuesday. So hopefully, between them, I will get somewhere.
I think Paul is good from a general or kidney perspective and the specialised midwife will be good to help me deal with all that side of things.
I have so much on my mind that I feel I will explode.
The midwife tested my urine, did my blood pressure, listened in to the baby's heart rate, booked me into a maternity clinic in the outpatients to have 'Clexane' an anticoagulant.
I feel a sense of trepidation towards this Clexane. It is an injection you have to have once a day to prevent any blood clots. I know this now after reading up on it. The midwife was as good as useless in filling me in.
I found a patient information leaflet about the medication. It is a subcutaneous injection. I am used to these and do that twice a week anyway. But what I don't like is that reading about contraindications it says "If you are pregnant, planning to become pregnant, breastfeeding, planning to breastfeed, have kidney disease, are on direct oral anticoagulants (aspirin) or are due to have an epidural then talk to your doctor or pharmacist". I literally tick every box there. I'm not happy about taking it. If it puts my kidney at risk then I won't take it.
At least I see the obstetrician and the renal consultant on Wednesday so I can confirm with them if they are okay with this treatment route.
She also wants to put me into an antenatal course. I feel like I would be the black sheep, the leper, cursing all their previously healthy baby's just because I lost my first baby. She said I can make friends there that will then end up having children the same age as mine. But I don't know. I won't get much out of the information they give, I think I've read up so much they can't tell me anything additional. I don't think I'll be able to make friends because I'm this bad penny. I feel anxious about it already and yet I don't know what dates this will actually even fall on.
Caz also had a GP appointment today. He is hoping to get a referral from them to go private. He needs a referral in order to have a private scan. It seems to scan place will scan you for diagnostic aspects unless you have a referral from a consultant.
The GP understood and advised that seeing an NHS consultant and having an ultrasound might take up to 6-months. When you aren't even able to do the most basic of tasks in a week or enjoy life, you know you can't wait for 6-months for an appointment. It is debilitating now and impeding on the quality of life he is having.
She will talk to a private consultant locally and so he should receive a letter in about a week's time. Once he has seen them, he should hopefully have a date for a scan and will soon know exactly what is causing him the pain.
I have to admit, part of me is worrying about the possibility we might hear the worst. But I know I'm a worrier. It is probably as suspected - a muscle tear or weakness.
Once we have a diagnosis we can then know what route to take to help him feel better.
He can't keep on with the way things are. I hope he has some answers and resolution soon.
I think, physically, I'm doing really well. Mentally is another matter.
It is obviously good to know my baby girl is doing well, but I'd rather be excited than feeling a sense of trepidation.
I didn't really do all that much else. I breathed. I survived. Some days that is enough.
31st July
Wow. What an eye-opening session with the psychologist, Paul.
You go in wondering where to start, what to talk about but then you end up babbling away and words or thoughts just flow out of you, not always coherently, but somehow you find how to get what you want off your chest. Well, that is how I find it is with me.
I talked about control. I feel a lack of control lately. My moods are spiralling more out of control and dipping more of late.
I said how I used exercise as a form of control. Doing intensive exercise controls my mental state, it gives me a boost of endorphins and helps me feel better about my body image. My body may be changing but it isn't necessarily fat. But I feel obese. My mind isn't moving at the same speed as my expanding belly. I knock my belly on doors that I don't open enough or bump into Caz when I go to hug him. It catches me off guard and by surprise.
I said how I've been struggling with the run-up to Jesse's first birthday. How it feels such a low time. How family would ideally like me to include them in whatever way we mark the sad occasion whether that be a buffet or something else. But after talking with Caz, I don't think either of us is ready for this stage or level of mourning.
We are still in our year of firsts. The first month came and went, the first half year, the due date and now the year anniversary mark is looming.
It all feels so fresh and depressive. You are acutely aware of the things you will miss out with the baby you lost. You want to do something, you want to give them a mark of respect. But you don't want something too sombre because that will just dredge up a whole host of emotions we don't want to deal with just now when we should be focusing on the positives because of this upcoming baby girl. We don't want something too jovial as that just doesn't feel right and that would almost make a mockery of what we went through.
We have an ultrasound and appointment that morning but we are thinking that we'd like to do something nice in the afternoon. Go out somewhere, make some memories. Maybe not have a meal as that feels too celebratory. But do something.
I then delved into the more melodramatic depths of saying I feel that I'm not coping, that the world generally feels grey and not as vibrant as it once was. That I found myself sitting looking in a mirror saying "I hate you. I'd hurt you if you weren't the life source for this baby.".
It is these dark thoughts that concern me. My wanting to hurt or even kill myself that cause a sense of dread within me. I was saying to Caz yesterday that my worry is that once baby is here that I will be unable to self-destruct as I'll not have that excuse of "but baby will die if I'm not here". They will have Dad and Grandparents to step in should it be needed.
But would I actually go through with it? I don't know. I've been very tempted and very close before. I've sat there with a kitchen knife willing myself to cut my arm up. I've wanted to leave the house when I've been in a state to take myself to the bridge to just be done with it.
But what if postnatal depression hits. I'm low enough as it is. If that were to kick in then I don't think I would be able to stop the voices that urge me to carry out things.
Paul said something, as usual, that was pretty revolutionary.
"You say you feel dark thoughts and that the world is grey. What if you embrace the grey? Walk with it? Allow it to be? Have you considered if you would feel this way at this time in the run-up to your lost baby's anniversary whether you were pregnant or not? Are you, in fact, doing well, or better, that can be expected with the addition of the anxieties of being pregnant, having treatment regimes change and seeing so many health teams and having so many appointments? It reassures me that all I have to do is listen and ask the odd question and although you say you aren't coping, in the next breath you say all the strategies you implement to help yourself and improve your situation."
I hadn't really thought of it like that. When he said "embrace the grey" I was quite perplexed. I couldn't imagine what he meant. But when he was saying essentially would you not still be feeling these emotions with this anniversary regardless of your current situation, that made me think. Of course, I'd have been feeling pretty pants right about now. It is a difficult time regardless. Perhaps I'm too tough on myself. Perhaps I was thinking I was weak for feeling like I wasn't coping during this pregnancy. But am I actually quite resilient whilst also dealing with the inevitable grief process?
You do then look at things in quite a different light. Maybe I need to be more gentle and accept that yes, I'm going to be especially sad at this time but I'll come out of this mist. Emotions and mental states are like moon phases. They ebb and flow and develop and change. It is never the same static situation. There will be good times and bad times.
I just have to walk through this rather tough time at the moment.
I think, to ramble on, that this perhaps also explains why Caz and I have practically been at each other's throats for the last month or so. We are both dealing with grief in different ways, but while not realising it was grief. On top of that Caz has his groin injury, on top of this I have the quirks that come with pregnancy while living with a chronic health problem. Some of these little things that crop up in life - people asking us if this is our first, seeing babies and young children at gatherings knowing that should be us - are just the straws that broke the camels back. Individually these aren't issues. They are just little things that perhaps we can choose to avoid or deal with depending on how strong we feel. But added to each of our individual issues and the all-consuming grief, that will lessen but will be there for the remainder of our lives, perhaps we are doing alright considering.
We need to remember that we are going through similar journeys and that we aren't the enemy to each other. We need to rally around each other, support the other during their struggles and work together to ride this wave.
Perhaps our relationship isn't as fragile as I'd thought, just going through an immensely difficult bit but something we will overcome.
I'm sorry it is a long drone, but sometimes you just have to get things off your chest. I also apologise for the tension that had been building within me that lead to me kicking off at so many little things. But I realise I've been going through a lot lately and now need to be gentle with myself and allow myself time to do as my soul needs through this next few weeks.
Maybe it could be helpful to list the things that I have turned to which have helped me through these bad moments.
- Self-care - A bath, Netflix binge-watch, mindless gaming, reading to escape
- Physical activity - Walking, workouts you can achieve, listen to your body, plan training regimes for the future to get you motivated and excited
- Essential oils - Certain oils have properties that calm anxiety, encourage sleep or boost your general outlook. I have Pulse Point Roller Balls of these mixes from Tisserand: Mind Clear (Peppermint, Lavender & Lemon), Total De-stress (Geranium, Orange & Nutmeg) and Inner Harmony (Frankincense & Geranium).
- Food - Although treats might be nice, try and eat healthily. Fuel your body and mind
- Craft - Art is therapy. Art is whatever medium reaches out to you. I find cross-stitch or sewing great. Often when I'm at my worst just a colouring book is enough to help.
- Be grateful - Find at least 1 thing each and every day to reflect on and feel grateful for. On some days this is surviving the day or simply breathing. Others you might a friendly checkout person, come across some beautiful flowers, someone gives a small sweet gesture towards you or even that your pet was particularly loving with you. Find something each day to hang on to. This gives you hope.
- Have support - be around friends, family or reach out to a trusted medical professional when you feel at your worst. They will rally around you and help pick you up again
- Talk - whether that is online in a medium like this to strangers, to a therapist or to people you love and care about. Sharing unburdens your load. You won't feel so isolated and weighed down
Walter settled into this position, resting his head on Caz's hand, so we weren't trying to throttle him!
What a long day!
Caz is off with me as I have 2 hospital appointments and a blood test. He is so good at ferrying me around and helping out. He was having to dose up on ibuprofen to keep on top of the pain. It is such a shame seeing him suffer, especially when there isn't anything I can seemingly do to help improve his comfort. Hot or cold compresses don't seem to do anything for his pain. All I can offer is practical help with getting him food and drinks when he is unable to do this himself.
We went for a blood test at 09:30 to make sure my drug levels were accurate. It is advised you have the blood test done when your next dosage is due - 12 hours after your last one.
After that, we had a bit of spare time. So we went to Currys / PC World to see if they had baby monitors. We couldn't see anything so left again.
MacDonalds was the next stop for drive-thru coffee and a hot chocolate. We just drank these in the car and tried to have a moments peace and relax before we had to go to the obstetrics appointment.
I did the urine sample and the healthcare assistant took it away. I was then called through by the midwife, Emma. She listened to our baby girl's heart and that was great! She measured the fundal height - from the pubic bone to the top of the uterus. I measured 27cm! I understand that, give or take, each cm represents a week. So this little girl is a chubby little thing and measuring around 2 weeks ahead! I'm so pleased. I'd rather they were big and healthy and had lots of reserves to keep her strong when she arrives than to be skinny and waif-like and to end up feeling cold and poorly.
My urine test showed traces of leucocytes, protein and blood. Not the best. So they sent it off as a mid-stream urine sample to get tested for infections and anything untoward.
Emma was also able to see my blood test results from first thing. She looked at the results, sucking in her breath a bit "oh, your kidney doesn't look great and your haemoglobin is very low". But for me, both results were the best they had been in a long time! My creatinine was 111 - when this has been as high as 160 in recent months, you see every little drop in the creatinine as an amazing result! Two weeks ago it was 112. To drop just one point I feel like a proper winner! The haemoglobin was 99. Last time it was 95; 77 at its lowest. That is a good result in my eyes.
We then had a short wait and then saw Dr Clark.
She is super happy with me and said she is hopeful that as I haven't experienced problems so far, that maybe I will be lucky.
She let us know that she is due to have a hysterectomy in the near future after suffering for the best part of a year with a fibroid. So, it is possible that she won't be able to be at our birth. But she said she would leave me in good hands.
I asked her about Clexane after the midwife put me in for it. She was quite annoyed about this and was asking Why! She looked at how the midwife scored me and said yes, I might have a chronic illness but I am very stable. Things might change but for now, she is going to save me from having to have these daily injections of anticoagulant. My saviour!
I always feel so reassured when I leave Dr Clark. She is always so positive and upbeat. Despite some less than ideal hurdles she will still feel in control and able to help me as best she can. You feel you can definitely put your life in her hands and not have to worry about a thing. She is your advocate and will fight your corner for you.
After this, we went home, had some fish on toast, took a short nap and then got ready to go back to the hospital.
I had a lot of discharge about an hour after my obstetric appointment. It is so typical that you go to an appointment with no news and it was all uneventful only to have something a bit scary not long after. It is like the typical way that you get sick on a weekend or out of hours. You can never time things perfectly!
The discharge was about the footprint of a 50p, translucent, yellowy and very gelatinous. I'm thinking it could be the mucus plug that stops bacteria getting into the uterus but I don't think labour is imminent. Baby girl is viable right now. If she were to decide to enter the world it wouldn't be the worst thing. Obviously, it is more ideal that she hangs around in there for as long as possible and that lungs mature more at around 28 weeks. But if it is meant to be now, or very soon, then so be it.
I saw Dr Alejmi this time. They were unable to find my notes as they hadn't come over from the obstetric clinic yet, so they pushed another patient in before me.
He was very happy too. My drug levels are a bit low but he is loathed to change anything at the moment as my kidney is very stable and doing so well at the moment. So, things will stay the same for now - injections will remain at 5,000 units twice a week, Azathioprine at 100mg a day and Adoport at 3mg twice a day. I like that there is no change. A bit of stability is just what is needed.
One thing Dr Alejmi said is that he is willing to bet that because I'm so stable just now that there is no reason why I can't go through to full term. That is an amazing thing to hear. I was so worried about this baby girl emerging into the world too soon and having a struggle just to get home and into a normal life. But if she can arrive within the healthy full-term window and we can go home together would be the best thing that has happened to me for a long time.
We didn't do all that much in the evening. Caz has been watching 13 reasons after I was going on about it a couple months back. At first, he wasn't convinced. He thought Clay was a bit of a drip and didn't warm to the characters very well but then by the second episode he was hooked and needed to know what tape was next and who did what! Now he is well into the second season and flying through it!
I made myself a microwave muffin - oats, egg and honey - as a healthy pudding and watched an episode of Reign.
Once Caz was able to tear himself away from 13 reasons, he came through to the lounge and we watched the first BTCC race from Snetterton. It was a very wet session and somehow seemed to feel like a very long race. It was exciting but also dragged a little. The third race is a double length race. If it is still raining then, it might feel like a marathon!
I slept pretty well, surprisingly. But at one point I did wake myself up by gasping. I was dreaming I was underwater. It was horrible! I ended up having a coughing fit and having to go to the bathroom to allow it all to settle down again.
I'm feeling very low, quite worried but I keep saying to myself that baby girl will come when she is ready and that I am still regularly feeling kicks so she is still happy and not in distress at the moment.
If I get any bleeding, cramps or fewer kicks I will call the GP as clearly, the midwife is incapable.
It really annoys me that there is a team of midwives and they say to call them if there are any issues but it always goes through to answerphone and they seemingly never phone you back.
In my two pregnancies, I've been left with no faith in midwives. They seem to have such limited knowledge even of medical regimes that can be quite routine during pregnancy. If I hadn't googled Clexane, I would still not have the faintest clue about what it was. I hated the not knowing. I hated that last time when I phoned them about bleeding and then phoned back about losing my baby that no one called back asking how I was coping. They just don't care.
Caz thinks the midwife is okay. But I wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire. I just feel no reassurance in her abilities and feel so anxious and stressed when I leave her. The fact that I have to see a midwife when I'm consultant led is just annoying. She is just another appointment that I have to take time out of work for but achieves very little in seeing. What can she do that the consultant isn't able to do? What is the point in her?
2nd August
The community midwife still hasn't returned my call. What gets me is there is a team of midwives in the Cefni Hospital and yet none of them feel able to reply to a message? It isn't difficult to return a call to ease someone's fears and worries. The thing is, even on the notes it says for advice and to speak to a midwife call the number. Which I did. But nothing. Hateful women. Caz and I have both come to the conclusion that midwives are busybodies. They have such a basic knowledge, even in their own field. They are there to be a nuisance and take up more of your valuable time just when you already have enough appointments and are tired from this whole growing a baby thing. If I am to ever do pregnancy again, which I doubt, or even when it comes to advising my daughter I will say skip the midwife if at all possible or at least have the minimum amount of appointments only at the key points. There really is no need. See the GP if you are worried, talk to your obstetrician for any queries you have, but leave the midwife out of it. It is an additional hassle and she'll no doubt be unable to answer your questions and you'll have to ask the obstetrician anyway. Save your time and energy and go straight to the horse's mouth rather than some stupid messenger.
I'm sorry if you are a midwife, or know midwives and think my opinion is completely wrong. But from the midwife, I had during my loss and the midwife I've had this time, including the other community midwives I've seen in between for my booking in appointment and when the one assigned to me was off, all have been useless. Chocolate teapot springs to mind.
I've had better experiences with the midwives in the hospital. I think it is solely community midwives that I have an issue with.
I am still having quite a bit of discharge but as it isn't accompanied by any cramp, pain, bleeding or reduction in movements of my baby then it appears to not be something to worry about. I'll keep an eye on it. If it gets heavier or I get any of those other symptoms then I'll go see my GP straight away.
To jazz up the nursery furniture, we bought some cute knobs to replace the standard ones.
For the changing cabinet/drawer unit, we put on porcelain heart knobs. One is pink with white spots and the other is red with white spots. It looks a lot nicer than the standard brushed steel small round handles there were original to the unit.
I've finally got to the end of all available Poldark on Netflix. I have to say Ross is a complete arse. He has been hateful and absent to Demelza and I can't believe she has put up with so much.
I'm just going to continue with Reign now. There are so many episodes over 4 seasons that it is ridiculous! At least they are only about 40 minutes long so you can properly smash your way through quite a lot of them in a morning!
We listened to one of the other Hypnobirthing Online audio tracks by Alice Kirby. Tonight we chose to listen to Hypnobirthing for partners.
It is all about helping your birth partner to relax. They picture walking along by a stream and finding a lovely spot to lie down in the grass, listening to the stream flow by. Then it says you have been chosen by your partner to be your advocate, she trusts in you and believes you will do everything in your power to support her. She needs you to remind her to take drinks and small healthy snacks and visit the bathroom but also to take care of yourself. If any member of staff tries to push your partner into a decision she isn't comfortable with then step in and remind them of the birth plan and how they are treating your partner isn't professional.
There is also an acronym to remember - Brains.
3rd August
This evening I made dinner. Nothing exciting - I reheated one of the meals I prepared a few weekends ago! But it was super tasty! It was the pizza inspired pasta bake I'd made. Very yummy!
I then folded and sorted clothes and any junk at the foot of our bed. This will be where the cotbed will go!
Caz's mum phoned again, seemingly grilling about his groin again, he didn't tell her to drop it, again. I'm done with this topic. We are literally doing everything we can. We have now managed to get a referral to a private consultant and will wait to see what he thinks. We see him on the 17th of August. As I've said before, we would rather not do anything than try bad advice from people who don't know what they are talking about as we currently don't know what the actual issue is. We don't want to do more harm than good.
I felt quite agitated and annoyed after Caz had been on the phone call so I gave up and went to read in bed. Caz followed up saying that he was tired. But it is annoying, just when you want a bit of space to calm down and return to normal they follow you around like a bad smell...!
4th August
One of the things that have been difficult for both of us is keeping on top of the housework. The house likes like a bombsite. I hate living in a lovely house that now appears like a slum. I can't use many household cleaners for fear it will damage my unborn baby and Caz can't do any heavy work, bending or anything particularly strenuous for that matter because it aggravates his injury. But today we had to find some strength and clean as Caz invited his Mum and Hugh over.
Something that gets to me is that Caz says we are equal. But then he often makes decisions on his own or doesn't inform me of things somehow perhaps assuming I'll be able to telepathically sense it. One of these things was he asked if it was okay if his Mum and Hugh came over on the weekend. I said if that is what he wants then that is okay. I then later asked when they would be coming - Saturday. I asked what can I make for dinner - whatever you want. No, Hugh is coeliac so it can't be anything I want can it! Oh they aren't staying for dinner. Oh. Tell me then, I can't just mindread! Then later he said the time had changed to nearer 4pm. So I asked what even was the original time as he'd never told me.
I always feel loathe to make any decisions without consulting Caz. I always try and include him. When my parents ask when we can meet, I say I'll ask Caz. I know we've both been tired and not at our best lately and so want to know if dinner or just a cup of tea is all he can manage and what day. I try and make things as accommodating for him even if it is to my own detriment.
But somehow, he doesn't feel the same is worthy of me? Well, I know we both have pretty much the same opinions on things - we agreed on the house we built without any arguments - so maybe I should just do things without consulting him. I know they will be the best thing for us and I won't jump into things without first fully considering them. I perhaps need to be more decisive and perhaps a little more independent to prove to him I'm worthy.
So Caz's family did come over and Hugh built the cotbed and put it at the end of our bed, where we wanted it. It looks really nice. It matches our Ikea bed perfectly! The colour, material and length all seem just to be a match made in heaven to place at the foot of our bed.
Once they are needing less feeds and waking up at all intervals in the night then we will start thinking about moving them into their own little room! But at least for the first few months, maybe 6-months but no definite timeline. It will be down to them when they seem happy and able to be graduated to their own room. I'm very much going to be led by my baby's cues. I don't care if they are meant to do such and such by so many months when they are ready they will do so. I want them to feel comfortable, not smothered but loved and feel no pressures from the outside world until they literally have to. The world is difficult enough without parents putting pressures on their children too.
Oh god, Handmaid's Tales is such a difficult watch! Nick was abducted. I cried. Nick is so my favourite. He doesn't say much but he says it all with his eyes. He is a good man who sometimes has to do things to enable him to survive. He is a keeper.
5th August
During August, I want to raise as much money for Sands, the stillbirth and neonatal death charity. A lot of charities helped Caz and I after we lost Jesse, but Sands seems to stand out of one of the key players. They have a branch in our local hospital and try and get landmarks to light up in pink and blue in remembrance of lost babies during October and also host remembrance services during November.
August is when Jesse arrived in this world. Taken too soon.
So August is when I want to do what I can to make a bit of a difference. It might not be as much as I maybe would have hoped - I wanted car boots, table top sales, bake sales, to host parties, to have a coffee morning. But with being pregnant it is all a bit much. Maybe in the future, I and my little girl will do all we can to remember her big sibling in heaven. To let people know it isn't just a lost baby but lost milestones and a lifetime of pain.
One of the things I'm doing is to find everything I can that I no longer use and put them on eBay. I've already put up a load of books, some DVDs and a few jigsaws.
Please take a look! If you can't buy anything, please share it for me. I want to at least raise awareness even if I don't make all that much money. It all helps and means so much to me. It is like Jesse's loss wasn't in vain then.
I also have a JustGiving site set up if you'd rather just make a donation. Literally, every little helps!
JustGiving
eBay items
As well as reading in the garden, I decided to also try and do something a little more useful. I did some deadheading!
I trimmed back some roses which had finished flowering, I tidied up Jesse's memorial planter, I sorted out the hanging baskets and also the borders at the top of the garden by the driveway. The grass on the bank around the borders and down the slop desperately needs strimming but neither of us can do that at the moment so will have to wait. So it doesn't look much neater but at least I know it will encourage new growth for the plants and hopefully, they'll thrive a little better. Shame you can't really see passed the doc leaves...!
2nd August
The community midwife still hasn't returned my call. What gets me is there is a team of midwives in the Cefni Hospital and yet none of them feel able to reply to a message? It isn't difficult to return a call to ease someone's fears and worries. The thing is, even on the notes it says for advice and to speak to a midwife call the number. Which I did. But nothing. Hateful women. Caz and I have both come to the conclusion that midwives are busybodies. They have such a basic knowledge, even in their own field. They are there to be a nuisance and take up more of your valuable time just when you already have enough appointments and are tired from this whole growing a baby thing. If I am to ever do pregnancy again, which I doubt, or even when it comes to advising my daughter I will say skip the midwife if at all possible or at least have the minimum amount of appointments only at the key points. There really is no need. See the GP if you are worried, talk to your obstetrician for any queries you have, but leave the midwife out of it. It is an additional hassle and she'll no doubt be unable to answer your questions and you'll have to ask the obstetrician anyway. Save your time and energy and go straight to the horse's mouth rather than some stupid messenger.
I'm sorry if you are a midwife, or know midwives and think my opinion is completely wrong. But from the midwife, I had during my loss and the midwife I've had this time, including the other community midwives I've seen in between for my booking in appointment and when the one assigned to me was off, all have been useless. Chocolate teapot springs to mind.
I've had better experiences with the midwives in the hospital. I think it is solely community midwives that I have an issue with.
I am still having quite a bit of discharge but as it isn't accompanied by any cramp, pain, bleeding or reduction in movements of my baby then it appears to not be something to worry about. I'll keep an eye on it. If it gets heavier or I get any of those other symptoms then I'll go see my GP straight away.
To jazz up the nursery furniture, we bought some cute knobs to replace the standard ones.
For the changing cabinet/drawer unit, we put on porcelain heart knobs. One is pink with white spots and the other is red with white spots. It looks a lot nicer than the standard brushed steel small round handles there were original to the unit.
I've finally got to the end of all available Poldark on Netflix. I have to say Ross is a complete arse. He has been hateful and absent to Demelza and I can't believe she has put up with so much.
I'm just going to continue with Reign now. There are so many episodes over 4 seasons that it is ridiculous! At least they are only about 40 minutes long so you can properly smash your way through quite a lot of them in a morning!
We listened to one of the other Hypnobirthing Online audio tracks by Alice Kirby. Tonight we chose to listen to Hypnobirthing for partners.
It is all about helping your birth partner to relax. They picture walking along by a stream and finding a lovely spot to lie down in the grass, listening to the stream flow by. Then it says you have been chosen by your partner to be your advocate, she trusts in you and believes you will do everything in your power to support her. She needs you to remind her to take drinks and small healthy snacks and visit the bathroom but also to take care of yourself. If any member of staff tries to push your partner into a decision she isn't comfortable with then step in and remind them of the birth plan and how they are treating your partner isn't professional.
There is also an acronym to remember - Brains.
I felt this was an important track for Caz to hear because he has been quite down and frustrated with everything he is unable to do at the moment. He says he is an ugly ornament. An ornament because he feels he can't do anything and ugly as that even makes the ornament pointless.
But I reminded him that he does a huge amount for me. He might not be able to strim the lawn or get the shopping but he thought to order Tesco online. Although he can't change the bedding, I've found I can now. We work well as a team and what he does do is important and valid. He supports me. He has been to every single appointment - every community midwife check, every scan, every obstetric appointment, every renal appointment, all my cardiology appointments. He is amazing. He goes to the pharmacy to collect my medications on his days off and he managed to build the changing cabinet/drawer unit. If that isn't useful, I don't know what is!
3rd August
This evening I made dinner. Nothing exciting - I reheated one of the meals I prepared a few weekends ago! But it was super tasty! It was the pizza inspired pasta bake I'd made. Very yummy!
I then folded and sorted clothes and any junk at the foot of our bed. This will be where the cotbed will go!
Caz's mum phoned again, seemingly grilling about his groin again, he didn't tell her to drop it, again. I'm done with this topic. We are literally doing everything we can. We have now managed to get a referral to a private consultant and will wait to see what he thinks. We see him on the 17th of August. As I've said before, we would rather not do anything than try bad advice from people who don't know what they are talking about as we currently don't know what the actual issue is. We don't want to do more harm than good.
I felt quite agitated and annoyed after Caz had been on the phone call so I gave up and went to read in bed. Caz followed up saying that he was tired. But it is annoying, just when you want a bit of space to calm down and return to normal they follow you around like a bad smell...!
4th August
One of the things that have been difficult for both of us is keeping on top of the housework. The house likes like a bombsite. I hate living in a lovely house that now appears like a slum. I can't use many household cleaners for fear it will damage my unborn baby and Caz can't do any heavy work, bending or anything particularly strenuous for that matter because it aggravates his injury. But today we had to find some strength and clean as Caz invited his Mum and Hugh over.
Something that gets to me is that Caz says we are equal. But then he often makes decisions on his own or doesn't inform me of things somehow perhaps assuming I'll be able to telepathically sense it. One of these things was he asked if it was okay if his Mum and Hugh came over on the weekend. I said if that is what he wants then that is okay. I then later asked when they would be coming - Saturday. I asked what can I make for dinner - whatever you want. No, Hugh is coeliac so it can't be anything I want can it! Oh they aren't staying for dinner. Oh. Tell me then, I can't just mindread! Then later he said the time had changed to nearer 4pm. So I asked what even was the original time as he'd never told me.
I always feel loathe to make any decisions without consulting Caz. I always try and include him. When my parents ask when we can meet, I say I'll ask Caz. I know we've both been tired and not at our best lately and so want to know if dinner or just a cup of tea is all he can manage and what day. I try and make things as accommodating for him even if it is to my own detriment.
But somehow, he doesn't feel the same is worthy of me? Well, I know we both have pretty much the same opinions on things - we agreed on the house we built without any arguments - so maybe I should just do things without consulting him. I know they will be the best thing for us and I won't jump into things without first fully considering them. I perhaps need to be more decisive and perhaps a little more independent to prove to him I'm worthy.
So Caz's family did come over and Hugh built the cotbed and put it at the end of our bed, where we wanted it. It looks really nice. It matches our Ikea bed perfectly! The colour, material and length all seem just to be a match made in heaven to place at the foot of our bed.
Once they are needing less feeds and waking up at all intervals in the night then we will start thinking about moving them into their own little room! But at least for the first few months, maybe 6-months but no definite timeline. It will be down to them when they seem happy and able to be graduated to their own room. I'm very much going to be led by my baby's cues. I don't care if they are meant to do such and such by so many months when they are ready they will do so. I want them to feel comfortable, not smothered but loved and feel no pressures from the outside world until they literally have to. The world is difficult enough without parents putting pressures on their children too.
Oh god, Handmaid's Tales is such a difficult watch! Nick was abducted. I cried. Nick is so my favourite. He doesn't say much but he says it all with his eyes. He is a good man who sometimes has to do things to enable him to survive. He is a keeper.
5th August
You get double pictures this week! We did them late last week so they only got processed this week and hosted on here then.
In hindsight, that is a good thing, now the weeks have kind of more caught up with realtime and it seems to make a little more sense!
I didn't sleep amazingly. I don't often do nowadays. I'm unsure if it is pregnancy keeping me awake or grief. I always have so many thoughts swirling around my mind. I sometimes wish they would just stop but would the silence be maddening?
I went out at like 5am, in my pyjamas to walk around the house and look at the beautiful sky.
When I returned, this little furry monster fell asleep on me!
One of the things I love about this baby girl is that she seems to know I have a kidney transplant. My kidney is implanted in my right groin. Guess what?! My bump is very much left heavy. She stays over on my left and actually even gets agitated when I lie on my right side. It is like she is kicking and struggling to not fall towards the right side of my body. She is so vigorous and doesn't stop until I turn over again and then settles! She loves me already.
Breakfast was lovely! It was nice enough to sit in the garden and have al-fresco cinnamon rolls!
August is when Jesse arrived in this world. Taken too soon.
So August is when I want to do what I can to make a bit of a difference. It might not be as much as I maybe would have hoped - I wanted car boots, table top sales, bake sales, to host parties, to have a coffee morning. But with being pregnant it is all a bit much. Maybe in the future, I and my little girl will do all we can to remember her big sibling in heaven. To let people know it isn't just a lost baby but lost milestones and a lifetime of pain.
One of the things I'm doing is to find everything I can that I no longer use and put them on eBay. I've already put up a load of books, some DVDs and a few jigsaws.
Please take a look! If you can't buy anything, please share it for me. I want to at least raise awareness even if I don't make all that much money. It all helps and means so much to me. It is like Jesse's loss wasn't in vain then.
I also have a JustGiving site set up if you'd rather just make a donation. Literally, every little helps!
JustGiving
eBay items
As well as reading in the garden, I decided to also try and do something a little more useful. I did some deadheading!
I trimmed back some roses which had finished flowering, I tidied up Jesse's memorial planter, I sorted out the hanging baskets and also the borders at the top of the garden by the driveway. The grass on the bank around the borders and down the slop desperately needs strimming but neither of us can do that at the moment so will have to wait. So it doesn't look much neater but at least I know it will encourage new growth for the plants and hopefully, they'll thrive a little better. Shame you can't really see passed the doc leaves...!
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