A bit of an unusual day and start to the week.
I have an echocardiogram to go to this morning. But it is a bit later in the day. So, before I even left home for the hospital, I had watched an episode of Reign!
When I arrived at the hospital, I went to where I was told - the cardiology investigations unit. Once I checked in there the girl said that today the echocardiograms were actually being carried out on the 3rd floor.
She said it was a room directly opposite the lifts on that floor. When I got there I was a little confused. I looked around. There was a ward one direction, a different ward the other way and the only other thing I could see was this door with two chairs outside it by the lifts. Immediately next to this, there were two disabled toilets.
It didn't feel right, but then I noticed on the door it had a small notice saying 'please take a seat and wait to be called for echocardiograms'.
Being right on display, in a corridor by the lifts was really weird. In front of me, there were a few abandoned hospital bed/trolleys.
The woman was a 'cardiac physiologist'. She told me to take everything off from the waist up, put a hospital gown on like a dressing gown and climb on the treatment bed.
Lying on my left side, she then used some gel on the ultrasound probe and started to scan my chest. On the screen, you could see this anatomic heart shape and the valves within it flapping away. It is such a clever thing. In that, it has the strength to pump blood around the whole of your body. The valves stop blood flowing backwards between all the chambers. The issue I have is that, from my understanding, I have dilated cardiomyopathy (DCM).
"The ventricles are the lower chambers of the heart, which receive blood from the atria above and pump it to the lungs, and to the rest of the body. The walls of both ventricles are thick and muscular. However, the wall of the left ventricle is thicker than the right as it is the main pumping chamber: pumping blood at high pressure to all areas of the body.
In DCM, the left ventricle becomes stretched and enlarged. The walls of the ventricle become thinner and can appear ‘baggy’. This gives the heart a rounded or spherical shape, rather than its usual ‘cone’ shape. The thinner walls are weakened, and so are not able to contract or ‘squeeze’ as normal. This makes the heart less effective at pumping blood out."
So, the physiologist would have been checking all the various structures of my heart and assessing how much blood volume it was pumping around and if all chambers were behaving as it should.
The worry with pregnancy and my heart condition is that my heart might struggle during the strains of labour.
She told me that the report will be prepared by the end of the day and be with my consultant by the end of the week. I'm not sure when I'll hear anything myself, but maybe no news is good news?!
On my lunch break, I watched a Ted Talks video. I find them quite inspiring and interesting as they are usually on topics I know little about or you want to hear from someone who has been through something similar to yourself and feel less alone.
Well, the one I watched today was called "Measuring what makes life worthwhile - Chip Conley".
It got me thinking. If you don't really take into account materialistic things, what makes me happy? A lot of what makes me happy is going out for dinner with Caz or having coffee and cake on a shopping trip out. That is all bought with money but is it also an experience and memory you are creating?
So from that deduction, essentially Caz makes me happy. I love spending time with him. We share a lot together and have been through a heap of things that even couples married for 50 years might not even experience. Life has thrown us a lot of curve balls. Health, family, financial worries. We've experienced a lot in our 8 years of marriage. We love a lot of the same things - motorsport, some music, how we spend our time. We have the same opinions on life and news and values. I literally feel like we were meant to be together and he is my soulmate. Finding your life partner is like finding an exact matching puzzle piece that slots into place. It completes you.
Walter makes me happy too - my tabby cat. He is gentle and loving and clumsy! He makes me laugh and makes me smile. I think Caz and I both feel that Walter really helped us through the tough times of life after baby loss. He was a distraction and also would love and snuggle with us when we felt sad. I don't think Walter even realises the effect he has had on us. He does seem a bit dim, bless him. We do think maybe he was knocked by a car in a previous life or perhaps even mistreated. His tongue often hangs out, he dribbles and his clumsiness and dim ways do seem to suggest to us he had a head injury at some point. That ties in with having a dental injury when the RSPCA picked him up. He also sometimes gets a little scared. When you approach him on occasion he sometimes gets nervous and runs away. He is particularly like that with Caz. It makes us wonder if a man in the past hurt him. It is such a shame but he seems so content and happy now. He looks so much healthier too. He was quite chunky when we got him but now although he still weighs the same, he is lean and fit!
I also love going for local strolls. We walk through fields, along the country lanes, across marshland and also through woodland. We love trees. They are so peaceful. We would like to get some waterproof trousers and new wellies so we never have an excuse to not go for a walk if we'd like to. Currently, we only walk when it is fair weather!
I know I said I was trying to find things that didn't need money to buy but certain things I buy do make me happy - coffee, coffee cake, victoria sponge, Chinese takeaway, Dominos, Italian food and Haribo.
So, now I know what I love and what makes me happy, I need to make sure I get more of these things!
As Walter is such a good boy, I bought him his favourite style of toy when I spotted it on eBay. He loves 'string dolls'. They are some sort of catnip thing with a string wrapped doll around it. They look a little like voodoo dolls or something but he loves ripping their limbs off and unravelling them. He's had a snowman, a zombie and now a thief!
He loves it!
7th August
One of the things I did today, was double check I'm eating the right amount of calories to properly fuel my body and help my baby grow.
Although I started this pregnancy a bit overweight (my BMI was about 26) because of comfort eating with grief, I haven't put much weight on during the months so far.
I've put on maybe 5kg (11lbs) but I feel that probably isn't enough. According to Dr Google, I should gain between 25-35lbs during the whole pregnancy. That works out at around 11-16kg weight gain.
I've tried to eat to my hunger and where I can to pick healthier snacks. I've also tried to keep active, even if that only means hitting my step goal for the day.
So I found a calories calculator to give me a point in the right direction of how many calories I should be eating in this trimester.
This is the calculator I found: Pregnancy & breastfeeding calorie calculator.
You pop in your age, height, weight pre-pregnancy and activity level. It then works out how many calories you'd need to maintain that previous weight.
1946 calories for me. Then you can make adjustments. You gave click a checkbox to say whether you are in your 1st trimester or 2nd/3rd trimester or breastfeeding.
As I'm approaching week 27, the end of the 2nd trimester, I would now be on 2246 calories. When the baby arrives and I am (hopefully) breastfeeding I should be taking in 2446 calories a day.
To be fair, that is quite a lot of calories! I'm still trying to pick healthier foods but a problem I'm finding is that a lot of healthy foods are low in calories. So I'm having to add in supper and other 'meals' plus upping my protein intake to make sure I meet this target. I don't feel overly full but I am tired. I think that brief window of more energy during the 2nd trimester has now passed and I'm on to the final slog of feeling fat and tired and just want our baby here now!
I almost forgot to mention that the baby car seat arrived today!
We went for the Recaro one in the end. Even though they are withdrawing from this specific division of the market and won't be offering support beyond a year, we felt it was the safest and best car seat available on the market.
Yes, it was expensive, but can you put a price on your child's safety? I know I wouldn't.
All I will say is that they started to recite this as they prepared to die and it really got the tears flowing. It is a quote from the Bible, but that doesn't take away from the emotional effect of the entire scene. The character didn't get to the end of the quote.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
8th August
This feels long overdue - a whole day off. The first thing I did? Went back to bed. I need to rest my weary bloated body!
First stop - renal unit - there is no rest for the long-term ill people!
At my obstetric appointment last week, Dr Clark said she wanted someone to check my blood pressure and urine samples once a week. So this week it is Rebecca's turn.
She was a little late seeing me but I bumped into a fellow patient - Brett. Brett does so much good work advocating for kidney patients in Wales. So much so that he is the Patient Advocate for North Wales on behalf of Kidney Wales.
His profile is: Brett Kidney Wales
He visits all the hospitals in North Wales, talks to patients (pre-transplant, on dialysis and post-transplant) to get an idea of what they need and want from Kidney Wales. He attends a lot of conferences and talks on our behalf in Cardiff.
But it was nice to catch up with him, I've probably not seen him in over a year but he knows all the ins and outs of my pregnancy loss and subsequent pregnancy and him having a sister who is a midwife does help!
My blood pressure was spot on and if there were issues with my urine sample Rebecca would contact me.
Next stop - Specsavers.
Once I was there, I was checked in by a lady. Then she did the initial tests on the various machinery. Each needed you to put your chin on a support and place your forehead against a rest. The first machine showed a picture of a hot air balloon which went in and out of focus. The same machine then did the air puff test. I hate this. My reactions seem to get quicker on each subsequent attempt. You need 3 puffs in each eye. I blink almost every time. That is to check the pressures in your eyes. Another machine you had to stare into at a black square. Then you pressed a button when saw some wavy lines. I think this checked your periphery vision.
As soon as this finished I needed to go on a toilet hunt. I asked and there were no facilities in the shop but the nearest was located if you went in the lift to the top floor and it was immediately on the left. The lifts only went down. I googled the nearest toilet and it guided me out of the shopping centre, down the road and to a public toilet by a bus depot. I rushed back and was seen almost immediately by the optician!
He reviewed the results that the lady did and commented that my eye pressures were brilliant. He then did the various tests he needed to do.
I commented that I had been noticing that at nighttime or in tunnels when driving I would notice brake lights looked starred and out of focus. But he said my eyes were pretty much perfect. There has been no change since like 2 years ago and I don't need a prescription. My eyes vision was about 0.25 one way or the other... But that is pretty negligible and not worth trying to correct.
Next stop - lunch.
I thought about going to Greggs but that is something I've done plenty of times before and I'm wanting to push myself a little more nowadays. You start small and then build up. I'm still at the small stage! Baby steps and all that to push me out of my comfort zone. So I debated about going to Subway for lunch but then walked by Wok & Go. I love noodles but I've never been to a noodle bar. Why not today!
I went in, ordered a regular veggie sweet & sour box and had a fizzy Vimto drink. I ate in at one of the raised bar stools and actually really enjoyed it all. It was super tasty and quite filling. I think the drinks came with free refills but I didn't need any more fluid. My body doesn't hold much now with such regular toilet breaks!
I'd highly recommend Wok & Go - affordable and yummy!
The main place I wanted to go was Pandora. I have never stepped foot into one of their stores before. They look so posh, clean and shiny. Not for the likes of me. But who is it for then? Why not me?! So in I went.
I had briefly looked online at some of their ranges and one thing that caught my eye was their birthstone rings. They are called Droplet Birthstone Rings and the one I particularly wanted was their August one. August's stone is Peridot. It is a beautiful pale green gemstone. I have to admit that I haven't always loved green. It may be the colour of a lot of the flora but I'd often been told by others 'oh, I never suit green' whenever I've worn anything green myself. It seems to be a hated colour amongst a lot of people I know. So I assumed I shouldn't like it either. I had a green car! I loved it. It was such a deep 'British racing green' and shimmered in the sunlight. But still, I wasn't sure.
But now that Jesse touched my life and that was their birthstone I have fallen in love with it!
My thought is that I'll buy this peridot droplet birthstone ring in memory of Jesse and give it to myself on the 15th of August - a weeks time. Then when my little girl arrives I will ask Caz to buy me her birthstone ring as a 'push present'!
"A push present is a present a father gives to the mother to mark the occasion of her giving birth to their child. In practice, the present may be given before or after the birth, or even in the delivery room."
The birthstone rings look lovely stacked together and so the beautiful siblings can be close even if they never actually knew each other.
Sapphire is the stone for September, Opal or 'rose' for October and Citrine for November.
I've got an opal ring on another finger that was my Grandma's. But whatever this little one is, we can get her birthstone added to my finger!
I've also been thinking about tattoos. I got that butterfly, crescent moon and dangling star for Jesse and I feel like I'd love to add a rainbow footprint for my baby girl. I imagine I'd wait until February time to get it and it would be her actual footprint but scaled down a bit to put on my forearm next to Jesse's design.
I do have a couple other ideas for tattoos - a magnolia for my Grandma and Winnie the Pooh floating away with a balloon while Piglet watches which would represent Grandpa and me.
9th August
Work wasn't great today - we couldn't get on to our emails so that was proving fun for the orders team. They rely on technology to do anything really!
Luckily though, I was able to carry on with my work and kept myself busy.
I have been really flagging with energy today. I wanted to drive to the local beach carpark to have a sleep in my car during my lunch break but as it was a sunny day I thought that it would be heaving with it being in the summer holidays and full peak for the tourists visiting!
So instead, I worked through my lunch and left 30-minutes early.
10th August
I'm still seriously flagging with energy again.
I managed to get through to around 11am when I had to give up and go and have a power nap in a little office. I listened to a meditation track to drown out various noises and to help me be in a nice place and just shut my eyes and relaxed back in a chair.
I only needed around 15-minutes and then felt a little more energised to carry on with my day.
I managed to find a bit more energy in the evening and so Caz and I went for an evening stroll in the sunshine. It was nice to get out and get moving again.
My parents are popping over tomorrow to help with some garden chores that neither of us is currently able to do.
That will be a big help and will make the front of the house look a little neater again!
11th August
We did a bit of cleaning in the morning. Nothing revolutionary, just tidying and a bit of decluttering and sweeping.
My parents are coming over to help out in the garden for a bit this afternoon so we wanted the place to look at least a little presentable.
My Mum had baked and brought over a lemon drizzle cake.
It was quite light and tasty!
Then my Mum got to work using our Ryobi strimmer on the steep bank and my Dad used the petrol push mower along a flat bit of the lawn beyond the patio that the robot mower can't get to. My Dad hasn't long come out of a cast for his broken hand/wrist but he feels able to push the mower, especially seeing it is easy to start and it slightly propels itself and so just needs guiding.
After they left, I cracked on with a bit of craft.
I made some green bead teardrop shape earrings with angel wing charms dangling from them. I used green beads as they are inspired by peridot - the birthstone for Jesse.
While I was digging through my beads I found these graduated sized heart beads. I thought they might make a nice stacked pair of earrings. They have a lovely iridescent sheen to them. Quite delicate and dainty. I don't think I suit any jewellery that is too chunky with being petite myself.
Struggling to find items in my study and even to move around very well in there or find working space, I was inspired to tidy the room.
Now everything has its rightful home to live, I have all my tools in a caddy, all my cross-stitch/embroidery in another case, sewing things in another little box and a drawer filing cabinet crammed full of various craft supplies - coloured sharpie pens, beads, card toppers, envelopes, sewing patterns and so many other things in between!
It actually feels an inspirational space now. I can almost feel the creativity flow.
Caz was saying the room, although small, is crying out for another work surface. Perhaps this could be between my corner dresser and the drawer filing cabinet and will be where I do the majority of my craft. That will leave my desk as a sewing space and to simply be used as a desk. That will make such a useful space.
I can't wait to get working in it!
12th August
Today I did a fair bit more craft! After tidying my room I want to strike while the iron is hot and keep the flow going with the creativity!
I started on some Christmas decorations. Early, I know, but I'm not sure when I will next get a chance to do any Christmas craft and don't want to be empty handed come the day!
I have these cute little hanging jars that I want to stuff with feathers and white, green and red pompoms before mounting a green twine wrapped J in each. I'm not sure if the J will look best inside the jar or on the front... I will experiment and rig up a sample to see what looks best I guess!
I also finally finished the baby's patchwork quilt!
There were only a few little niggly things to do but I knew it wouldn't take long.
I noticed a few little bits where the stitch didn't catch the material. I didn't want the wadding to start poking out between the seams so I knew I should remove the wadding and turn it all inside out again.
There were only 2 or 3 missed stitches and it didn't take long at all to catch them all. While I was at this, I decided to make the hole to stuff the quilt a bit smaller so there was less to hand stitch. I thought it might look neater in the end, even if it could end up being a bit of a faff to turn it the right way out and stuff it... My hand luckily still just about fitted in the hole. Phew!
I pushed the sheet of wadding in and had to work out the right way around - one edge is slightly longer than the other. I secured the wadding in place at the corners with some clothes pegs and then got out some yellow embroidery thread.
I used the full 6 strands together and a thick embroidery needle to go through all the layers at various points to secure everything. I went through at centre points of quads of squares, made sure the thread had equal lengths and then knotted it in place.
Lastly, I had to hand sew up the little opening gap. I haven't done much sewing at all to be honest so wasn't sure what stitch to use. I think it might have been a whip stitch? I made sure to have all the seams folded in neatly and so it was barely noticeable. I tried to keep the stitches about equal distance apart but it is hard to judge that by eye.
All finished!
We finally caught up with the final race from the BTCC Snetterton meet. This was a double length race with double points on offer and actually was quite exciting and kept our interests going throughout!
OMG! We saw the end of season episode for handmaid's tale. So many unanswered questions left and endings remaining open.
Spoiling everything for everyone...
Emily is now living with Commander Lawrence who she thinks is evil but I get the impression he is actually a good guy. His wife has some issues, mental issues I think, and he has to placate her and you see him locking her away in the bedroom at one point. Lawrence is clearly some originator for Gilead but perhaps it has snowballed and become something far removed from his first intentions. He asks Emily about her wife and son, what music she enjoys and passes her some beer.
Emily is then due her first ceremony and so goes to the lounge area and kneels on a cushion. Music is playing in the background but she still seems none the wiser. Lawrence is just listening to music and asks where the Martha is. She didn't know. "What are you doing?" he asks, "its the ceremony tonight" Emily replied, "No it's not, go to your room". For some reason, maybe with being treated so badly previously, Emily is still very scared of him and when Aunt Lydia visits and says Lawrence said how well the ceremony went, Emily stabs her in the back with some paring knife! I have to admit, I didn't see this coming... She then pushes an ailing Lydia down the stairs. The Martha runs out and shouts to Lawrence to call for an ambulance.
This is the first open ending you get. Is Aunt Lydia dead? Is she still alive? I had mixed feelings about Aunt Lydia. She is very much committed to the system and the process, perhaps with her elevated position, but she also has a heart after she previously opened up to June saying her Godchild passed away but there was nothing she could do and how bad she felt about it. She then agreed to keep an eye out for baby Nicole/Holly when June was no longer around.
Next, you see with Emily is that Emily is taken down into what appears to be a basement by Lawrence but then put in a car in the garage. He doesn't have a jeep or van like everyone else but some sort of fancy electric car. He is definitely a different sort of person. He puts on some music in the car and asks if she likes it. Emily gets really angry and upset and gets him to turn it off. I think she expects she is being taken back to the colonies but surely everything he's done for her is a hint to that being a completely false assumption.
He ends up parking under a bridge and gets Emily out of the car. An army truck style vehicle pulls up and she asks what he is doing "getting myself into deep shit". The truck is to be her escape route. He is setting her free.
This is the next set of questions I have... Does she make it across the border? Does the vehicle get ambushed? Does she end up meeting Luke or Moira? What next?!
Serena starts to stand up with women's rights. A lot of the wives stand up with her and they take their worries to the commanders. But Serena then reads a passage from the bible and says how she believes that girls should have the chance to learn from the scripture. All the other women slowly file out, backing down, ceasing their support of Serena. She stands alone. It is all on her shoulders. She goes back out into the corridor and Fred meets her but she is swiftly taken away by guards.
The next you see of her she has had a finger chopped off. For standing up for her baby's rights and fighting her corner she gets punished. She is really dismayed and let down by the system.
Nick finally gets to meet and hold baby Nicole/Holly. He seems smitten!
There was also a big fire apparently set off by some demonstrators nearby Fred's house. I don't know how orchestrated it was, but Rita finds June and passes her baby Nicole saying to go and that there was a Martha waiting for her outside.
Fred hears a commotion and runs upstairs to find the baby. June has already left the house at this point. Rita glares at Fred when he asks what is going on. Nick follows Fred up when he runs to June's room. Fred says they have to put a search party out to find his baby but Nick shows a gun he has on his belt and tells him it isn't safe out there.
What now for Nick and Rita? Will there conspiring with June lead to their punishment or deaths? I desperately hope not. Nick is such an amazing character. Just with small facial expressions, you can feel his emotions.
On the way out, June is spotted by Serena. She doesn't want her to leave with her baby. June explains that it is for the best future for Nicole and that she can have a normal life and not be stuck in this system. June passes Nicole to Serena one last time, she recites some passage to her and gives her a kiss on the forehead before handing her back to June so she can escape with the guidance of the Martha.
The Martha can only take her so far but she hands June over to another Martha and another. There is a string of people to help June and Nicole escape.
They finally run towards the edge of the field and wait. A car approaches and parks under a bridge and flashes its lights. It is Lawrence and Emily.
June is all set to climb on the army truck with Emily but first passes Nicole up to Emily. June then says to look after her and call her Nicole before stepping down from the truck and indicating to the truck to go.
She puts her hood up with a determined look and that is the end of the season!
What now?! Does she go back to find Hannah and escape with her? Does she go back to seek revenge on Fred? Does she find Nick so they can escape and elope together? There are so many questions!
I understand that the TV series has gone beyond the content of the novel now. It was with Margeret Atwood's blessing. But there are no ways to get spoilers now, only conspiracies!
A week ago I mentioned that I put some items up on eBay. There was interest in a few items but only 2 sold in the end.
These were jigsaws - a 1980's sweet memories and also a vintage map of Bangor, North Wales.
I will post them tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment