I had to have a nap in the beach carpark on my lunch today. I'm definitely starting to flag again with my energy.
Afterwork, I cracked on with an episode of Reign until Caz came home. That is the joy of each program being about 42 minutes long!
Caz and I went for a stroll in the evening. We bumped into one of our nearby neighbours and local farmer while we were out. He was asking us about the pregnancy and saying how he now has grandchildren. A couple of the cute things he said is that although kids are hard work they are so worth it. Plus he said as his wife struggled to sleep, he used to spoon her and rock her to sleep. Once their baby was here, they were only able to fall asleep if they were being rocked!
Caz and I finally added our own message and amount to the JustGiving I'd set up for Jesse's birthday. We mainly wanted to say we love you and miss you and think about you often.
We've still not heard anything from Caz's Dad so I guess he might not be donating anything or feels a need to not acknowledge our first baby. Some battles you win in life and some you lose.
Oh, one bit of good news today! I heard back from my cardiologist about the echocardiogram I recently had:
Part of me feels a bit annoyed that I had a very pessimistic doctor in the past where on my very first consultation at 17 he said I would need a pacemaker or a heart transplant. Reality is, I am on a very low dose beta blocker and that seems to get me by.
Possibly, it could be that my journey in keeping myself happy and healthy has worked and improved my function. It could be down to my own hard work and determination. I guess we'll never know, but I will take this as a positive.
I will be fine during pregnancy and birth and my heart will hold out.
21st August
Recently, it had been agreed with my obstetrician that I would get my blood pressure and urine tested once a week between all clinic appointments. Usually, I would turn to the renal unit. But Rebecca is on a long-awaited break and so I had to reach out to my GP surgery to see me.
I'm not sure on who saw me - she wasn't a GP or a nurse that I'm aware of but perhaps some sort of health visitor or healthcare assistant. Either way, I explained to her what the plan was and she was more than happy to oblige me and said I could see her at any time. Both my blood pressure and urine were perfect so I can't grumble!
On my way back to work from the GP surgery, I decided to pick up my Asda bedding order for our baby girl.
It was quite quick and easy. Right by the entrance, there is a click and collect point. It is a vast, freestanding touchscreen where you scan your QR code and it prints out a token. I took a seat and eventually someone came out with my box of ordered goodies!
The system works!
Caz and I are aware that his cousin and his family (a son and a newborn baby girl) are visiting the area for a few days and we talked about what that meant to us.
The thing is, we really struggle with going to any events where we are likely to be around children and babies in particular. It is just all so raw to us and drives home the realisation of what we don't have - a 6-month-old baby.
Neither of us knows if we are strong enough emotionally to meet up with people at this time. We don't want to cause conflict but we know how heartbreaking it will be for us. I don't even know if I can hold this beautiful baby. It is nothing personal, it isn't that I hate this baby, I just don't think I can do it. Then you add in that I'm super tired in my third trimester and Caz has a hernia that he is suffering with. It just isn't good timing for us as a couple.
22nd August
I woke up feeling so down in the dumps and like this is completely unshakeable and so I had to phone work. I told them I am suffering from a cold. That isn't a complete lie, I had been sneezing and coughing the day before, but it isn't wholly the truth.
So, I spent a day doing self-care to try and bolster myself up again.
I watched Reign. I had a bath. I did a bit of craft or at least experimenting with a new design of earrings I could picture in my head but couldn't quite translate into a physical item.
My little buddy kept me company and made sure I was okay and felt loved.
I was really grateful when Caz returned home from work and we had a good relax watching TV where we say abandoned structures and confessions of a murderer.
Hopefully, tomorrow is a better day.
23rd August
I woke up feeling a lot brighter. It is funny what a difference a day can sometimes make.
As I mentioned, Caz's cousin, his wife, son and newborn baby girl are in the area for a few days.
The wife sent me a message letting me know they were around and would love us to meet their baby.
I decided to be honest and say that Caz and I will find meeting their baby difficult. That we might react in ways they don't expect such as crying, needing to pop out for a breath of air or needing to cut the visit short. But as long as we had the understanding from them, we were willing to try so we could catch up and meet their precious baby.
I never heard back from her.
It feels a bit saddening that you pour your heart out for nothing.
Work was a mixed bag.
My maternity leave has officially been booked into the system by HR and is now on my work calendar.
Then I got hauled into the office with my manager but it wasn't me in trouble(!) it turns out a guy at work has got chicken pox! My manager just wanted to warn me so I could contact the midwife to find out if it is safe for me to be around this lad. From what I've read, as I've had both chicken pox and shingles in the past it won't be an issue to me.
6 weeks left at work! counting down the days...!
24th August
Well, I have seemingly given up sleeping now.
I don't sleep much at all. I am unsure if this is down to pregnancy causing insomnia or my troubled mind stopping me from being able to rest.
I just couldn't get it out of my head that I have ruined Caz's relationship with his cousin. Why did she decide not to reply to me, or even come over to us and give me a hug or something? Even just a thumbs up or a little emoticon would have reassured me.
But just facing radio silence felt like I was being shunned. It was horrendous.
Luckily, today is a day off for me. I had already booked the time as annual leave.
I have one of my routine psychology appointments today and I wasn't sure if I could get to it. I just felt in such a lost state. But I knew it would be for my best and so I struggled on.
This was me trying to pep talk myself into the shower so I could get ready for the day.
Then I ticked the getting dressed and doing my makeup boxes.
Baby steps.
Celebrate the little victories.
I'm doing well, despite everything.
Well, my psych appointment took quite a while to get in a flow. I partly found he wasn't really understanding and thought I was being a bit childish and churlish.
I was saying how I feel shunned by family members, how I can't do any right and always seem to put my foot in it with everyone. I also said how difficult I found the run-up to Jesse's birthday but that the actual day was quite peaceful.
He then said that perhaps the anticipation is worse than the actual event. Catastrophising often comes in to play. He said all I can control in life is what I put out in the world - my output. I can't control people's reactions and that is their problem, not mine.
We also touched on how my hatred for myself is my own belief and that I seem to then project this on to others and take it as their opinion of me.
I have a lot to learn to find my happy place. Often, the answer is taking a deep breath and a step back and find the best way to react.
I went to the pharmacy in the hospital to try and exchange sharps bins. With my regular injections, I can tend to fill a sharps container quite quickly.
They said they can't accept contaminated goods. I was quite confused as I get the injections from this pharmacy so surely they can take my empty syringes away?
I knew my local pharmacy would be able to help, but I thought while I was at the hospital I would try the renal unit - they manage to help me with all my other strange requests!
Success! But the bin is huge! It'll last me a while...!
I then decided to be brave and go shopping in Llangefni. All my urges told me to go home but I knew getting out and about might be the best thing for me.
I visited the Farm and Pet Place and saw this fat boy cat scratcher! Walter loves his cat scratcher now we have disassembled his cat tree into two sections, both just a single level high now. He sharpens his claws all the time and has a good stretch and then sleep on the carpeted base.
This looks a perfect replacement for him for when his is too worn out.
I also bought him worming tablets. He has used worming tablets before, but with being pregnant, I found it difficult to hold him for fear of him bashing my baby bump. So last time, we got him worming granules. He hated it. He left his entire dinner. So we needed to get him another dose of tablets to make sure he was covered.
All sorted.
I even bought Walter a little Christmas stocking filler while I was in the shop and some super thick bubbles!
Next stop was Lidl. I wanted to look at the specials. I didn't buy much in the end but did get a paper guillotine cutter. It actually has multiple blades in the gizmo. You turn the dial and then it is wavy or straight or torn effect or even embossed or a dotted line so you can create coupons to tear out. It is amazing!
I also saw these beautiful 'bubblegum chrysanthemum' bouquets.
I needed a snack at this point so bought a bottle of water and some salted and sweet popcorn. Yum.
After a bit of strolling around the craft shops (I bought a beautiful heart shaped slate with a laser cut out in wood of Anglesey in a lovely duck egg colour) and charity shops ( I found a couple of novels I wanted and also decided to buy some old beaded jewellery to repurpose as new pieces).
I was then going to meet Caz. We went for lunch at The Bull Hotel and it was really nice to just go on a 'date' with him. It is funny how excited you feel and the butterflies you get when you are meeting up with someone and then spot them. It was almost like our first date with the depth of feeling I had! Love him!
25th August
I can't believe how much I have cried in the last couple of days. My eyes are getting sore and I'm getting bored with my emotional outpourings.
This was a passage in Insomnia which I have been reading forever. It perfectly sums up life. That it has good moments and bad moments.
Today is definitely a pyjamas kind of day.
One tip I've found is that it is wise to ask yourself or your partner/children the following 3 questions each day. It makes sure you focus on the positives.
What did you learn today?
How does that make you feel?
What are you proud of?
There are other questions you could ask. Perhaps one perfect question could be 'what made you smile today?' or 'what was your favourite bit of today?'. But either way, for a while at least, I'm going to ask myself the 3 questions above each day.
Learn: That I'm vulnerable deep in my core, feel people attack me and hate me. this is my own beliefs projected onto others.
Feel: That one comment can ruin my day, no contact feels like being shunned.
Proud: That I was able to use a meditation music track to bring myself back up to a better level.
26th August
Achievement time! Fan fair, please! I've finally finished reading Insomnia by Stephen King.
This was my review of it:
"I found this book was an amazingly in-depth read and so minutely detailed; I could see and feel everything that was happening at any given point in the story.
I really connected with the main characters, especially Ralph Roberts, and felt quite a bond towards them, although it did take a little longer to warm to Lois.
There were times I laughed out loud, felt a little scared, could feel the joy of the characters and (trying not to give anything away) felt their pain when close people passed away and the sheer terror or trauma felt at these losses.
I did take a long time to read this book but that was mainly down to my personal circumstances and some deep things I was going through at the time.
Some parts were complete non-sensical but still, I could see in a vivid plethora of colours exactly what was happening. I have to say I was going at the pace of understanding of the characters too - when they were confused and weren't sure what was next, I also felt the same. I have to say the ending and climatic moments weren't as I expected. I'm not even sure what I expected if anything! But I wasn't able to second guess the main scenarios and felt compelled to continue reading to the end. Between reading sessions, I was literally itching to want to continue!
I would highly recommend this as an intrinsically described, oftentimes sarcastic but also very witty read."
Caz and I went for a nap at one point today as I'm feeling so drained, emotionally. Sleepy cuddles are the best and help so much.
We then watched the F1 qualifying as I wasn't able to pay attention yesterday when it was on. They were in Spa this time around.
I had a crack at creating a sewn Christmas ornament. My idea was to sew the pets each family has in a Christmas style fabric and stuff it with wadding. I found the following website where there are various templates. You can either download for free the templates you need or for just under $20 you can have a batch download of everything on the site. I managed to find a sitting cat to represent Walter and also a labrador to represent Amber (my parent's golden labrador). I haven't yet seen a springer spaniel one for Bramley my in-law's dog.
I printed out the cat, picked a bauble design green fabric and then cut out the shape. I quickly realised the shape I picked was too complicated and I wasn't able to batch prep them on the sewing machine as I originally planned. I ended up hand sewing the item. It looks really effective but I might go through the Christmas templates and pick a bell or Santa hat to create a number of these padded decorations to give out as presents.
I've managed to find a bit of resilience within me, I had it all along. I went to our bookcase and picked out two books to work through.
The first is "Saying Goodbye: A personal story of baby loss and 90 days of support to walk you through grief" by Zoe Clark-Coates. I wondered if I ever actually processed my grief way back a year ago.
I was back to work within a month and back to full time a fortnight later. People found it awkward for me to talk about Jesse and my feelings and so I didn't. These were the worst possible routes to take. I'm going back to basics and will actually process my grief like it is the beginning again. I think I ended up just wearing a mask and fooling myself that I was "fine". But I'm not. I need to acknowledge Jesse and I need to do this for me and basically sod everyone else.
I saw this quote and it is what I wish to now live by.
"You're not a victim for sharing your story.
You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth.
And you never know who needs your light, your warmth and raging courage."
This author has written many 'list books' and I own a couple already:
"14,000 Things to Be Happy About: The Happy Book"
"8,789 Words of Wisdom"
"The Wish List"
This book contains 205 short-short chapters which I feel are ideal for reading one a day. I will see how this shapes me as a human being.
No comments:
Post a Comment