Week 15

21st May

Work was pretty standard and went by uneventfully.

As it was such a lovely day Caz and I went for an evening walk. It was nice to get out in the fresh air and stretch my legs.

I've given up doing the may we all heal prompts. I don't know if it is too soon or what but it wasn't feeling easy. It feels quite conflicted now that I'm pregnant again too. On one hand, I was being prompted to talk about loneliness and on the other, I don't feel that way now. I'm hopeful about this baby and having them there with me all the time creates a close feeling.

After missing the mindfulness class last week, I've been trying to catch up. Seeming I'm meant to be practising the meditation every day I haven't really achieved. I completed it the sum total of 1 time. It is really difficult. With the majority of these meditations being around 45 minutes long I find I get really agitated and struggling to sit or lie there and pay attention.
I feel more frustrated, bored and even angry doing these meditations than anything.

I did read an article about how mindfulness can be difficult. You get the impression that it is all relaxation and peacefulness but actually you might have some difficult thoughts swirling around your head. Sitting with these difficult thoughts and paying attention to them can feel counterproductive. It can drag up all of these emotions if you haven't processed them.

I just feel such a sense of relief when the meditation finishes. Even come 8 minutes in I was willing it to end.
I can sit in a waiting room more patiently for longer. I don't know why it is so difficult.

22nd May

There is a bit of a different routine today - I am going on a training course!

It is at our sister site at work at Robertson's at Tyn y coed in Llanrhos.

I felt a little anxious and apprehensive about this course. Anything out of the ordinary can be quite worrying sometimes!

But I needn't have worried. I knew to park in the visitor parking bays. I knew to get a temporary swipe card from reception as my card wouldn't work on that site. I knew where the coffee machine was and it even served decaf coffee. I knew where the training room was so walked over there in the lovely warm sunshine.

Once in there I was greeted by the trainer and I thought oh he might be boring, simply reading the cover of the book. But that was a misconception. He might have been in his 50s but he wasn't boring. He was from a village near Brussels in Belgium. He'd worked for around 25 years in IT, predominantly for the banking sector. He then set up his own contractor IT business and had 60 employees. When that was bought out he stayed for another 3 years but the vibe had changed and he knew it was too sweet a deal for what he was doing and what he was being paid. So he looked deep inside and realised he wanted to go into coaching. He had managerial experience and extensive skills and knew he would be able to do something quite profound in that sector. That brings us to today!

A couple people couldn't attend the course - one had just come back from being offshore and another claimed he didn't know anything about the course or that he was booked for it. He pulled out because he said he was very busy today.
In the end, there were 6 of us plus the tutor.

The course was called working at the speed of trust. I literally had no clue about what this might be about in the slightest.
We were given a course pack which included a copy of 'speed of trust' written by Stephen Covey and a workbook to take notes in. The workbook also included probing questions, diagrams to help explain concepts and inspirational quotes.

The course was looking at where trust comes from - your morals, values and character as well as your abilities and results. It was delving into how you would build trust with others and it even gave scenarios such as a senior colleague doesn't respect you and how to have a conversation with them to start developing a rapport with them. You start with active listening and it goes from there.

There was a bit of role play which I somehow mostly managed to wangle my way out of, quite a bit of pairing up to work together and a fair few videos clips to watch to provoke your thoughts.

Seeming I didn't know what to expect at all, I came away thinking it was a very beneficial course and well worth attending. I'm not wholly sure how I can apply it to work, but I can picture it helping me to develop personally.

In the evening I had a bit of a chill session!
I'd seen an offer online to buy 4 tubes of charcoal face mask and pay just delivery from Misfit Cosmetics.

You started by cleaning and drying your face to open up your pores. Then you applied a thick layer of the mask avoiding your eyes and lips as they are too sensitive.
You then chilled for 20 minutes or so and then peeled off the mask! It is designed to remove blackheads. I'm not sure I saw much gunk coming away but my skin felt so soft and nice afterwards.

23rd May

Another busy day planned today!
I'm not at work though as I've booked the day off but I had to book the time off as I had so many hospital appointments. Caz worked from home so he could take me to and from the hospital and give me some moral support.

First stop was going to the renal clinic for an iron infusion.
The ladies who run the clinic were in an audit meeting at first so they were running a little late. But soon I was in a treatment chair and they'd put a small needle into my arm to start the iron drip. They took some blood from me first and then I took my medications. Jane and Donna looked after me and I have to say I really didn't feel the needle go in at all. Completely pain-free. Because the needle was so small, it can be easy for it to slip despite being secured in with a big see-thru plaster. So that meant my arm was in a hover position. I know it should only take 10 to 20 minutes but I knew my arm would probably start to shake so I asked if I could have a pillow or something put under my arm to support it. Donna found a blanket and rolled it up for me.
It all passed quite uneventfully and went really well. I don't think you will experience any boost from it for at least a week or even a month, so it is a gradual thing.
Hopefully, it helps my anaemia to some extent.

Next stop was my obstetrics appointment.
I got seen really quite quickly by a midwife initially.
Grace was the first person who actually asked me how I was feeling and if I'd had any anxiety. That is when I told her that I had a miscarriage last year and that I find myself checking for blood everytime I go to the bathroom. It is draining. She said it is very natural to feel this way and that hopefully, that will begin to ease as I start to feel the baby more and things start feeling more certain and real.
She checked for baby's heartbeat with the doppler and all was perfect. She said they are definitely strong.

Back to the waiting room as I'm an interesting case so a junior doctor wanted the chance to look through my notes before talking to me.
Dr Clarke and the junior were both really positive. They didn't have much to say or do as the renal unit are keeping such a close eye on me. They said they had good feelings about this pregnancy now and yes, the baby will probably need to be early. You can apparently tell if you are going to have pre-eclampsia by around week 20. The symptoms of high blood pressure, pain under the ribs and vision problems will be showing themselves by then. If you are going to get it you will have it around then.
I go back in two weeks time.

We popped home for lunch and a nap and headed back out for my kidney appointment in the afternoon.

The clinic was running around 45 minutes late. I bumped into Danielle, a fellow kidney patient who has gone on to have a baby, waiting for her appointment too.
There was nothing in my urine sample - no protein or bacterias so that is perfect! My creatinine is 110 which is really good for me as my average is between 140 and 160, the lower the better.
I'm still anaemic but we will see how I go following my iron infusion. My drug levels weren't back yet so I will find out at a later date if I need to increase my medications again.

These are currently the pills I take in a morning.

Caz giving me the Eprex injection. This is done 3 times a week.

By the time we'd finished, I had time to have a stir fry for dinner and then dash back out for my mindfulness class.
Like I said, I've really not been warming to the meditations and find them very boring and definitely an endurance exercise. It doesn't really feel beneficial.

Well, it turns out I was the last to the class. There was only 1 space left in the circle of chairs next to Annee the tutor.
We had to get either meditation stools or cushions and mats to be able to practise on.
Quite quickly we started a sitting meditation but thankfully it was a shorter practice - only around 15 minutes. You then had to talk in groups of 3 about your experiences with today's practise and also with how your home practices went.
I said boredom was a big issue for me and time dragging. Discomfort is also a big thing. One option for the meditation is to sit on a hard-backed chair but away from the back, allowing your spine to support itself. The sensations grow and grow until I just can't bear it anymore.

It is apparently completely okay to take a pause to stand up and move around, you could also change position from perhaps seated to lying down. There is also the option to mindfully stretch and move to a slightly different position. That means not just moving automatically when you feel the pain but acknowledging the pain, deciding to move a certain way and then doing it.

During one of the group sharing exercises when we offer up our experiences to the room if we feel comfortable Annee said: "Are we trying to become expert meditators or are we actually trying to improve our lives". That was quite profound to me. I joined the course to find acceptance for the cards I have been dealt in life and find happiness with my lot. This gives me the permission to take my mindfulness in a way that works for me - short practises, different postures and little and often. I think this may have been the epiphany moment I was looking for. Hopefully, this now gives me a little more flexibility and positivity for moving forward for the rest of the course.

I found Walter chilling under the footstool. He seems to sleep under here when it is warm.

24th May

I was really drained after my adventures yesterday! I had to have a nap after work for the first time in ages!

I somehow managed to squeeze in 3 sessions of the 3-minute breathing space. I felt quite accomplished but I do have a feeling it was only because it was so fresh in my mind.
I then managed to do a sitting meditation after dinner but it was a 20-minute version - much more manageable.

I am definitely not myself as I asked for chips, baked beans and lemon breadcrumbed fish for dinner. I never touch baked beans. Whenever Caz has baked beans I would always have spaghetti hoops. I think this is a sign of things to come from Baby Moomin - they are showing their food preferences already! Haha!

In the evening, I wanted to do some exercise, but I also wanted to watch some Netflix. I did both - I sat on my bicycle turbo trainer pedalling away, albeit slowly in a low gear, while watching the start of season 2 of Poldark. I think I am probably a couple seasons behind 'live' telly but I'm watching it!

25th May

It was quite a good day at work. There was a bake-off challenge.
I used to take part in these until I got to a point where standing was an endurance sport.
The challenge this month was baking bread.

There were only 3 entrants - a seeded brown cob loaf, a sultana loaf and a caramelised onion loaf.
I have to say what swayed me to try the pieces of bread was that there was mature cheddar. Yum!

The onion loaf was a little heavy and perhaps underbaked. The sultana loaf was a little unusual - the flavour was very bready if you didn't get a sultana in a bite. Whereas the seeded brown bread was just heavenly. It smelt amazing, could be used as a pillow as it was so soft but with a really crisp crust and the flavour was really quite mouthwatering. That was the winner in my books!

You had to vote on the appearance and the taste and overall the seeded loaf won!

26th May

With it being a bank holiday, we will try and avoid leaving the house unless we need to.
The A55 will be heaving and so it just isn't worth venturing out.

I think knowing this, I felt really relaxed and peaceful. I had nowhere to be, no time schedule so I could just do as I pleased in my good time!

I did manage to drag myself away from relaxing to put some towels from the bathroom to wash.

We also watched the qualifying for the F1 Grand Prix from Monaco. For some reason, it always makes us sleepy, so we needed a nap between Q1 and Q2!

Knowing the weather might turn, we went for a little local walk to get our bodies moving again!

I set some dried fruit to soak in sweet tea overnight as I plan to bake a bara brith tomorrow! What else are long weekends for if not baking and over indulging.

27th May

The weather was appalling.
There was a low mist that clung around all day and intermittent heavy rain shows and thunder and lightning. It was going through cycles of about 5 minutes. Constantly, throughout the day. It felt like it might never stop.

I carried on with baking my bara brith - self-raising flour was sieved into the fruit mixture along with mixed spice and an egg.
It takes a long ass time to bake - probably around 2 hours all in. I checked it at an hour and a half but it needed a little longer. It rose so well that it barely fitted in my cake tin to store it away. An excuse to have a slice before it goes in the tin!

It was almost like a Chinese Laundrette at ours!
I stripped the bed and put on new really funky Flamingo bedding.
I also put a load of clothes on to wash and it inspired me to sort my clothes so that my maternity wear is on the rack by my bed all neatly organised to pick and choose from each morning.

In between washing and drying clothes we watched the F1 Grand Prix from Monaco.

The trouble with this weather is that you don't really want to eat all that much. You feel hot, sticky and not really all that hungry.

I managed to do another 30 or 40 minutes cycling in the evening, this time watching 13 reasons why.  I had to wait until it was a fair bit cooler to do that though.

Week 14

14th May

I'm unsure what to write for this, it is more of a feeling than something you can describe. You get twangs at certain times and feel empty.
These pieces of art portray it better than I can describe.

So, this happened today!

We had an appointment with the midwife - Wendy.
She gave me lots of blood test results to say my blood group is O positive and I don't have too many antibodies, I don't have HIV, don't have hepatitis, I am negative for cystic fibrosis and the downs syndrome screening was low but we still have to wait for the confirmation letter. Apparently, we would have heard something if it wasn't good news.
I'm really anaemic though and just have to continue on with the medications as recommended by Dr Alejmi.

Next step is the whooping cough vaccination. You have to have that at around 16 weeks. I just need to phone the GP surgery at that time and the practise nurse will do it for me. It should be much like the flu jab but it can maybe sting a little more.
Again, I need to check with the consultant if this vaccination is recommended for me.

She did refer to this as first-time pregnancy a few times, so I corrected her. This is my second. Best to be upfront with the medical teams.

She then said she doesn't normally use the doppler until nearer 16 weeks but as I am reasonably petite, that she could give it a go. She found the heartbeat almost instantly!
I couldn't stop smiling, Caz took the video and we both started to well up!
Baby Moomin is a strong little thing!

Work was pretty standard. There are auditors or visitors in at the moment, but they didn't bother me. We just have to be on the ball so we can prove we know how to use the hazard observation system and can find the process charts and HSE documentation.

15th May

My hubby, Caz, gifted me this infinity heart necklace in the months after our miscarriage. I hardly ever take it off. I sleep in it, I shower in it and it is constantly with me.
My love for my lost baby will be everlasting.

I might not bother to mention work going forward! Nothing exciting happens and it is all pretty standard and business as usual.

I had a phone call from Rebecca the renal transplant special nurse. She wants me to go in for a blood test tomorrow and she has sorted another batch of my Eprex injections to keep me going now my dosage has been increased.

16th May

Comfort eating was an unplanned necessity. I didn't realise I was doing it at the time but after I didn't lose any of the pooch after my miscarriage I realised there was an issue!
Self-care and sharing with my husband became my healthier go to.

I went to the hospital and checked in to the renal unit. Rebecca wanted to do a urine test and check my blood pressure. It looks like my blood pressure is getting quite low now. The upper number, systolic measurement, was 101. Rebecca mentioned that she would ideally like that figure to remain above 100 if at all possible.

I walked back through the hospital and on the way collected the 18 injections on my prescription order. They couldn't find it immediately but after looking up my hospital number they found the injections stashed away in a fridge.

Phlebotomy next. They tried my right arm with little success; only managing to get one vial worth of blood from me. Trying my left arm it was a lot better. All done.
However, when I was walking back to my car I felt a strange sensation in my arm. I guessed I might be oozing a fair bit of blood from my left arm. When I got back to my car I was right. The bit of cotton wool they taped to the crook of my left arm was completely sodden and so I removed the cotton wool from my right arm and put it on my left instead and pressed on the site for a few minutes. All seemed well after that and I was back on my way.

I, unfortunately, experienced a small amount of spotting today. I thought after 5 weeks had passed since the last lot of blood that I might be in the clear. It was only a tiny amount, barely streaking the tissue with a small amount of pink.
I've been having so many rupturing blood vessels in my nose that it could just be my circulation is higher than usual. It must be so easy for things to get irritated and so unless it is accompanied by cramping or it gets heavier I won't be troubling the midwife or gynaecological ward.

I contacted the mindfulness instructor and told her I would be needing to take it easy following a trip to the hospital. I think it is best to put my feet up, relax and just do some self-care instead of rushing from work, eating a light dinner and rushing to the session.
She was very nice about it and I should be able to go again next week.

I'm not 100% sure that mindfulness is for me. It is all so very intense. You'd think that perhaps they would start small with just a few minutes a day practice and then build up to more extensive sessions.
I'm finding it all a little overwhelming and impossible to fit into my life. I guess I'm feeling very tired lately and there are so many other things I need to do like eat well and exercise to keep this pregnancy healthy that it just doesn't slot into an hour of my day.
I want to persevere though. I am not a quitter and I might get that lightbulb moment in a later week and it all suddenly makes sense. I'm not sure it will or if I will ever be at ease with the practice but I'm going to persist.
The only thing keeping me going is knowing I can tailor it exactly to my needs once it is a tool in my armoury cupboard. Perhaps, I can do 10 minutes sessions a few times a day and a longer meditation on the weekends. Maybe I can just tune into my body and zone in on my awareness for a few breaths several times a day. This business of 45-minute meditations just isn't for me!

17th May

There are signs in various places around our house that sore Jesse was a part of our lives.
The room, which was going to be theirs, has a couple pieces of artwork with beautiful sayings on. The mantlepiece in our lounge has candles, 'J's, butterflies and other quotes on.
I always feel close to Jesse, like they are looking over me and keeping an eye out for me. These little shrines just help me feel Jesse is being included and remembered in our lives.

Rebecca phoned me with the results of my blood tests from yesterday.
It turns out they came back really quickly because the labs flagged the results with my Hb being so low.
My creatinine is 112 so that is good for me and the Hb was 77 when the normal range for a woman should be between 118 and 148. They have increased my Adoport (tacro) to 3mg twice a day and my Eprex injections will be 3 times a week. Finding a different part of my thigh to inject to is going to be interesting...
I've also been booked in for an iron infusion, despite my iron stores being good. They think this might encourage my body to make more red blood cells.

So, next Wednesday will be full on.
10am - Iron Infusion in the renal unit
11am - Obstetrics appointment
15:30 - Renal clinic

Hopefully, I have some time for long and perhaps even a little jaunt into town to do some shopping.

Caz will be stocking up tomorrow with foods that should help my anaemia.
They include the following (https://food.ndtv.com/food-drinks/how-to-increase-hemoglobin-7-natural-ways-1620466:

Food Type	Name
Vegetarian	spinach, tofu, asparagus, broccoli, green peas, tomatoes, bell peppers, cauliflower, potatoes, fenugreek leaves, beans,
Fruits	Beetroot, pomegranate, watermelon, apple, apricot, oranges, strawberries, papaya, grape fruit, banana, peach, persimmons, mulberries, guava, litchis, kiwi
Non vegetarian	Whole egg, chicken liver, oysters, meat, seafood, red lean meat, clams
Other foods	dates, almonds, amla, raisins, prunes, pumpkin seeds, dried beans, Nettle, wheat germ, sprouts, peanuts, colocasia leaves, soyabeans, currants, legumes( soya nuts, red kidney beans, chickpeas, black-eyed peas, black beans, lentils, fava beans) starch and grains, brown rice, dark chocolates, whole grains, yogurt, daal , rajma, sesame seeds

They also recommend you have vitamin C with your iron-rich foods, increase folic acid (green leafy vegetables for example), eat an apple or pomegranate a day, drink nettle tea, avoid caffeine as it can be an iron blocker and exercise.

I heard that endurance exercises are good for promoting more red blood cells because of the need for more oxygen.

So, I went on my turbo trainer while I watched an episode of Reign on Netflix!

I can't say the seat is comfortable, but I got it done!

18th May

It's not just the mother's that struggle with loss and grief, Dad's do too. 

They also long for a family, feel the sadness while you are trying to conceive and their partner's period turns up again, they feel the excitement of expecting, they go through every up and down with the mother. 

Caz was hesitant when I told him we were pregnant - he didn't want to get his hopes built up only to have them shattered.

He excitedly watched my body changing, rubbed belly butter on me every night, kissed my growing bump. 

They have so many hopes and dreams vested in this little growing life and when it was all ripped away from us, he didn't feel he was allowed to grieve. It happened to me, I carried the baby, I'm the one everyone showed concern to and asked after. But Caz was as much of this as I was. 

He was allowed to grieve too, in whatever way necessary, and feel such sadness at the things he'd not get a chance to do with our baby. 

We helped one another, leant on each other and grew through the sadness and made it back to some form of happiness and normality. It could have broken us but in fact, it just strengthened us.

Tonight, we are going out for dinner as tomorrow it is our 8th wedding anniversary!
We have decided to go for an Indian meal and after recommendations, we went to Meghna in Beaumaris.
We found a parking space literally just outside on the street. We walked through the fairy light lit archway into a courtyard and were welcomed into the restaurant by one of the waiters.
The interior is perhaps a little tired and shabby. We were seated in a booth and the vinyl seating was worn and ripped.

However, the food was amazing. I can see why this place came so highly recommended.
We ordered a stack of popadoms and they came with various dips - a mango chutney, a raita dip, chopped onions and tomatoes with herbs and then a sort of curry paste.
So tasty!
Then Caz had onion bhaji and I went for seabass pakora.
The mains come on a little rack with tealights underneath to keep the sauces warm and the rice came in metal dishes. Caz had butter chicken and I picked vegetable korma. I often suffer from heartburn and so the less tomatoey and more creamy sauce was much better suited to me.

There was so much food!
I must have had literally half my meal left and had to ask the waitress if I could take my leftovers home with me! She packed them away at our table into the little aluminium takeaway tins with cardboard lids. Something to enjoy another day!

19th May

The picture was taken from http://cargocollective.com/catchlove_cre8/G-CD-phobias-brief
I fear blood.
Ever since my miscarriage, where I bled heavily for about 4 days before and 5 days after, I have had a fear of blood.
While my mind was recovering and I was strengthening, I had a period each month. It caused all the thoughts and feelings from the miscarriage to come flooding back. Was this just a period? Perhaps we managed to fertilise an egg but it didn't implant? Should I be mourning something I wasn't even sure had happened?
Now that I am pregnant again after loss, it is full of fear. What if the same thing happens again? Has my baby already died? Is there even a heartbeat?
I have had bleeding on 3 occasions during this pregnancy. Is this the end of the road for this baby? Why is my body making everything so difficult? Why can't I just experience joy and excitement instead of fear and trepidation?
I only know one outcome of pregnancy and that is loss. It is my 100% proven track record and it is hard to muster up confidence and positive towards this pregnancy. It sucks your naivety out of the situation and you just feel horribly realistic and a sense of detachment towards the baby. You love them deeply but you desperately don't want to get hurt again.

My eprex injections have now been upped to 3 times a week. We went to do my injection in my thigh and Walter unexpectedly jumped up at me, scratching down my inner thigh. The pain was considerable! It caused me to have a dull ache and almost numbness in my entire leg, including foot, for a number of hours afterwards.
Lesson learned. We will shut Walter away while we do these treatments in the future!

We were going to go to the Vintage Rally on Mona Showground but because of my bad leg, I didn't think I'd be able to walk far or be able to enjoy much.

I ended up going to bed for a nap, hoping I might wake up with less pain. Caz watched the Royal Wedding while I was tossing and turning struggling to even fall off to sleep.

What a rubbish day for our anniversary. I feel so guilty to have been the reason we weren't able to get out and about and enjoy the day.

We did though go out in the evening.
At Venue Cymru in Llandudno, we saw Ed Byrne.
I was a little apprehensive as even our parents had heard of him and thought 'he is a nice man'. It didn't bode well for a good night of comedy.

We arrived at the theatre and the car park was literally deserted. Where was everyone?
We went inside and normally when something is on the foyer is heaving but there was only a small scattering of people.
The main theatre doors were chained up and so we were really confused as to where it was or even if it was still going ahead.
We ended up following the general flow of people and found it was in a hall in the events side of the building rather than the theatre bit.

This was quite reminiscent as in this hall there used to be MASE. It was where local bands had a platform to perform their music and get word out that they were the next big thing. I seem to remember it was an even for the under 18s. I went twice at most back in the day, it wasn't really my scene. But Caz went quite a number of times and even performed himself in a band once!

We found out that Ed Byrne was in Caernarfon in the Galeri the night before - if we'd have known that would have been ideal is that is so much closer to us than Llandudno!
We will keep an eye on the program there in the future.

Ed turned out to be really good!
The tour was called 'spoiler alert' and was on about our privileged winging!

One of my favourite bits was where he was retelling tales of his little boys. The main bit that got me laughing was where they would be asking for things that were around when he was little himself but he wasn't aware of its existence. "Can I have some elderflower cordial please Daddy?" - He was doubting that they were even his children and how they were like little lord Fauntleroy!
Another was when they went on a holiday or day trip and the kids were told not to touch the electric fence. But when the older boy said he'd already touched one before the younger boy piped up in that he felt he was missing out and really wanted to touch the fence too. It got to the point where Ed was fine, touch it then when the incessant whinging would not stop. But Mummy stepped in and led him to another fence, telling him it was electric, he touched it and felt nothing. It wasn't electric at all and he has been highly misled and won't have learnt his lesson!

It wouldn't be a current comedy night without a brief mention of politics.
All I will say is that this was featured:

20th May

I did turn to creativity in the worst of my grief. It felt good to have my hands occupied and it didn't give me space to think.
I made quite a few little bits and bobs.

I didn't have a great day. The sun didn't bother to make an appearance although it was still hot and quite humid.

I had been mulling over and over why we were going to the Vintage Rally.
Earlier this year I had wanted to go to the Food, drink and lifestyle festival in Chester but Caz had some excuse. There were other events I really wanted to go to too but come the time it wasn't on the cards for whatever reason.
So I rebelled.
I didn't want to go anymore and I said to Caz that everything I do is for him and everything he does is for him too. We never do anything for me. Yes, he accompanies me to hospital appointments but I want to do something nice too sometimes. I never ask him to go shopping with me, I don't particularly like shopping myself. I just want to enjoy life and make the most of things but something always seems to come along that means we can't go.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment with my health.
If I'm not seeing the midwife, I'm seeing the obstetrician or the renal consultant. If I'm not seeing any other those people then I am going for blood tests and having my medications altered.
I feel so out of control and am really worried if my kidney will hang on long enough. I kind of feel what is the point in having a child if I won't be able to run around with them and enjoy life. I've already burdened Caz with knowing such horrible things like hospitals exist and that there are life-altering treatments. But I don't want our child to be aware of these things. I want them to be young, carefree and naive. I don't want them to know that Mummy is sick or that Mummy can't do these things because she is on dialysis and waiting for someone to come along to donate a new kidney to me. I just want to be happy and healthy. It doesn't feel like much to ask but apparently, it is an impossible ask.
Chances are, my kidney will be fine. But just at the moment, it feels like my life is spiralling down a drain and I'll soon be back to square one of my life seemingly hanging in the balance.
My kidney transplant was a very traumatising part of my life. If I can at all help it, I'd rather not go back there.

Week 13

7th May

We didn't know if our baby was a boy or a girl, they were too small to see.
We'd looked at family trees and so many names were being added to our maybe list.
Jesse struck as it was quite neutral. It would work for either sex.
I now collect 'J's wherever I find them! Candles, cushions, led lights... I surround myself with Jesse and it helps me feel close.

We had a properly chilled day yesterday!
It was such lovely weather that we just wanted to lounge in the garden and read. Knowing the roads would be busy too helped us make that decision. We wanted to stay away and just keep out of the mayhem.

I was relaxing reading Insomnia by Stephen King - yes, I'm still reading it!
In between, I would dip into a book called Mindful Birthing. I am reading as an accompaniment to the mindfulness course I'm completing.
I actually bought this book for our last pregnancy but never got a chance to read it. It follows the same 8-week course but with pregnancy and birthing in mind.
Where you might do a body scan meditation, you can complete that, but if your baby is moving and you can feel it you are welcomed to just pay attention to that for the meditation session whilst being aware of your breath.

It is looking to be quite useful and I hope to be able to have as little intervention and pain relief during my birthing experience. They ask you to focus on your breathing and if you have pain breathe into it.
But the excellent quality of mindfulness is that it teaches you acceptance. Even if nothing goes to plan this course will give you the strength to accept what is best for you and your baby. It gives you that power to calmly move off-piste and into unexplored territories without fear.

8th May

I found this image on http://zerosophy.com

I'm not sure anger really featured in my grief. Briefly perhaps.
You see how some young couples who don't even particularly want kids are firing them out left right and centre. There are people who have a one night stand and then end up having an abortion.

It is always the good people that have the bad luck.
Why are the couple's who would be the best parents in the world infertile or experience baby loss?
It just doesn't seem fair.

But anger is draining and this life is hard enough without hanging on to negativity.
I try and be positive and hopeful and forever moving forwards with gratitude and acceptance.

Work went well. I needed a nap in my car during my lunch break and I ate my food at my desk. I wouldn't have got through the day without a nap. But in the end, I made it through to 4pm! I think I am there, I've cracked it, I'm back to full time!

When I got home, I did a workout with the turbo trainer on my bike.
Caz had to put in quite a lot of effort to get it up and running for me. First, my bike had the wrong kind of axle - it needed to be hollow to put a spindle through for the turbo trainer on the rear wheel. The first tool Caz bought to remove the gear hub was weak and badly made so that instantly disintegrated. The next one did the trick.
We then realised it would be a thousand times better if I got rid of the knobbly hybrid tyres and get something smoother so that it didn't rattle me to pieces.

So, now it is all up and running, it is now perfect and I hope to make use of it at least twice a week doing strength training and yoga in-between to give my body a full workout.

The turbo trainer has 6 resistance levels and then you can change up and down the gears on your bike to alter the difficulty too.
I decided as I am only starting out after ages not going out on a bike, that I would do a short and sweet workout.

I did:
1-minute warm-up
3 minutes at level 1
2 minutes at level 2
1 minute at level 3
2 minutes at level 2
3 minutes at level 1
1-minute cooldown

I'm not sure this is the greatest workout but I do hear pyramid style workouts are good.
It felt good and my thighs felt they had done something.

I needed a quick nap again after all that excitement while Caz cooked us dinner!

I did the body scan meditation! I felt a lot more aware and awake so that is quite novel.

I then proceeded to have lots of cramp in my left calf all evening. Hideous. I felt like I might pass out at one point!
Good job I had bought some leg and foot gel from Waitrose! So I got Caz to massage it into my calf and it felt a lot better. I read that stretching the calf muscle and applying heat can really help too. It did ease it a lot for me.
A couple other tips were having more magnesium and calcium. I hadn't heard of this before, I knew about potassium previously. So that is a new one on me!

9th May

This prompt evokes a fair bit of emotion for me.
After my miscarriage, I blamed myself.
Was it something I did? Perhaps I knocked my belly leaning over a counter.
Was it something I ate? We had a family BBQ before I knew I was pregnant and drank a fair few beers.
Did I do too much exercise? I had downloaded a prenatal workout app and was following the first trimester workouts.
Did I get too stressed? I was under a fair amount of pressure at work. I was often the sole person in on the orders desk and was tasked with updating all the order trackers to a new system while also training a new member of staff.

I hated myself and my body.
Why did my body have to fail me?
Am I incapable of carrying a baby to full term?
I felt like it was all my fault. I was the one tasked with growing and caring for this baby and I wasn't even able to do that.

But with time passing, I have slowly come to the conclusion that I have to accept it was just 'one of those things'. I know a lot of other baby loss Mamas won't find comfort in that, but for me to know that there was probably a problem with the egg development or that there was an issue with the fetus actually brought me some amount of comfort.
I have spent a lot of time on self-care and have realised I've been through a lot and didn't deserve to be punished.
My body has done some amazing things over the years and I'm sure it will surprise me with its strength and resilience many times over again.
Thank you body.

I didn't need a nap!

I went to the hospital first thing to do some follow up blood tests due to my medication dosage changes.
I was told to pick up the blood test forms in the renal unit, but the forms weren't there.
I had a little wait while someone reprinted them for me. I hope we've selected the right tests!

I then walked back down to the phlebotomy area and was 6th in line. It didn't take long to be fair as there are 2 'vampires' taking the blood.

Once I was finished, I walked around to the obstetrics department to chase up my follow up appointment. The receptionist there was a bit of a jerk, to be honest. I don't know if she was just having a bad day but you should never take it out on others, especially in a client facing role. I didn't have my handheld maternity notes on me and I don't tend to know my hospital number and so she obviously thought I was a complete airhead. She huffed and rolled to the computer and input my date of birth and found me that way.
No appointments coming up, only with Dr Alejmi.
So... What do I need to do now? Who do I contact? She wrote down a number on a piece of paper. Turns out that number was wrong when I tried it and I was put through to the right person. My appointment will be in a fortnights time. A bit too far in the future for the hospitals liking but there we go.
I'll try and contact my midwife in the meantime and go from there.

It is my mindfulness course tonight and I really am not feeling it. Little things went wrong during the day - I spilt smoothie on the floor and counter, the blood test forms weren't ready, the receptionist was horrible. You just feel out of sorts if things start to go wrong and it isn't any one thing that pushes you over the edge but each little thing adds to the annoyance and pressure on you.
I thought about contacting them to say I couldn't go, but who likes a quitter. I'm not ill or incapacitated so I should go.

We are doing mindful movement tonight. I wore my FittaMamma workout leggings, top and a hoodie with trainers.
I looked a little out of place but I don't care really.

We had to lie on the mat and focus on our breathing. There was a set sequence of movements that we will follow with a CD for the homework.
https://www.bangor.ac.uk/mindfulness/audio/index.php.en
From what I remember, you had to stretch your arms upwards above your head, then raise one leg while rotating your ankle and flexing your foot and then swap and do the other leg. After that, you brought your knees into your chest (which I had to modify for obvious reasons) and then stretch one leg at a time in this same way. Then you lay on your back again with your knees up and feet on the floor and let your knees drop to one side with your head looking in the opposite direction and repeat on the other side. There was also some movements on your hands and knees from tabletop position to arched back.

I had been quite anxious about the movements as I didn't know how intense they would be and how I would approach them with having my little bump. But, as ever, I needn't have worried.
However, I can't even explain how uncomfortable it was. I got a cramp in my toes, it spread to the arches of my feet. I could feel my left calf muscle twitching and start to spasm. My back was tense and tightened up a few times. My heartburn was burning me to a whole new level. I basically wanted to crawl into a hole and give up.
I really didn't feel it.
I thought with how much I exercise that I would get through it okay. But for whatever reason, my body just really isn't happy at the moment. I will try and have a bath tonight and see if that eases my muscles and perhaps a little yoga to stretch it all out.

We then did a 3 step breath meditation, otherwise known as 3-minute breathing space. You had to acknowledge what your thoughts were, any emotions going through your mind and sensations in the body. You then gathered yourself and focussed on your breathing and where you felt it the most. Finally, you awakened and took your concentration into your body again and wider into the room and your surroundings. Quick, easy and relaxing. Quite grounding. We have to do this 3 times a day. Always bringing yourself back to your breath.

Homework will be body scan every other day, mindful movement every other day, unpleasant events diary and the 3-step breath.

10th May

Everything for Jesse fits into two small boxes.
The first is a butterfly cardboard box and in it, there is our bump to the baby book. We wanted to do something to mark our pregnancy and remind us of how it felt and so one day, our baby could look back at it and know how loved they were from day dot. We didn't get to fill in much of the book, unfortunately. I closed off the book with a heartfelt note to them.
The second is a small engraved wooden trunk with elephants on it. An elephant never forgets. There were 3 elephants on the front. Daddy elephant, Mummy elephant, and baby elephant.
We held a little remembrance service for Jesse in our garden. We asked people to bring along poems, hymns, lyrics, sayings, cards - whatever they felt right to read out or place in the box for Jesse.
We kept everything. I look through it all occasionally but it does cause an ache in my heart.
There was so much hope and so much love for Jesse but no fruit was born on the tree. The love had no outlet and so remained bottled up as sadness and sometimes anger for much of the family. Us as the parents, the Grandparents, and Auntie all were touched by Jesse and we all had our own personal outpourings.
We will keep you in our hearts until we can hold you in our arms.

I had a bubble bath to try and help my crampy and achy legs.
I used Maternelle Mum to be bath soak. It had the added ingredients of rosehip, vitamin e, and lavender. It created a lot of long lasting bubbles with just 4 of the little caps of bubble bath. My skin felt amazing afterwards.
It didn't help my cramp, unfortunately. Literally, as I was trying to climb out of the bath my toes immediately cramped up. I just can't win!

You know how I said I had been feeling out of sorts, well that has been continuing. Caz thinks I'm annoyed at him but I just can't pick my emotions up and feel any happier. I feel a lot of pressure to be happy and excited as I am expecting but all I want to do is cry and feel numb.

I was woken up in the middle of the night by a sudden tensing feeling in my lower abdomen, like a cramp but not like period cramping. It made my heart palpitate and I felt like I might faint. It passed as quickly as it began.
My first fear was baby is coming now, it is all ending and something is wrong. I can't get that out of my head. I'm really worried this is the beginning of the end again.
I slept so lightly after that. I think I got around 5 hours sleep judging from my Garmin.
I thought if I'm awake anyway, why not do the body scan meditation. So that is what I did. It was about 4am and I was lying propped up in bed by pillows doing the meditation as the dawn started and the birds began to sing.

I hope things improve. I just really don't feel I can hack this. Knowing I've failed before at being pregnant does raise the bar a lot and you worry that baby is already dead or your body just doesn't have a clue what to do. I hope I can just put my trust in nature and ease back on the worrying.

11th May

You can't stop time.
You can't go back in time.
The only way is for time to slowly tick onwards. Progressing minute by minute, hour by hour.

People say that time heals. But in the midst of sadness, you feel that is just such a flippant remark.
Perhaps, it would be better imagined like a toys arm being sewed back on. It isn't perfect, it isn't broken so maybe it is healed. It is a new version of what it used to be.

My GP put it the best to me early after my miscarriage. It doesn't get easier but you get stronger.

You definitely progress. You start to function again. That isn't to say you don't stumble, that is inevitable and you wouldn't be human if you didn't.

You learn to live with the passage of time and the situation you find yourself in.
Just know that. Put hope in that. You learn to carry the load you've been given and the days get lighter and the future seems brighter.

Work was quiet. My energy levels are a lot better now. I think I'm finally feeling the benefits of the second trimester!
It is a little disconcerting though as without symptoms you do doubt everything is okay.

We had a quiet evening and caught up with world rally coverage from Argentina and feasted on pasta and garlic bread!

12th May

I've not actually experienced too many triggers, to be honest.

Seeing a pregnant lady won't set me off, I might just think I wish that was me and one day it will be.
Seeing tiny babies might make me think that could have been mine and I wonder what milestone they would be at now.
I know only in months how long since I lost Jesse. I believe if I worked it out and knew the weeks and days it would hurt too much. I'd rather bumble along with limited knowledge so I don't have something additional to upset me.

We went out to the Caernarfon Festival. We thought it was amazing!
There were loads of food and drink, things to eat there and then and items to take home. There was also craft stalls such as jewellery, cute home decor and even organic baby clothes. Music was featured throughout - I heard someone singing with a guitar near one pub and there was also a brass band doing jazzy numbers marching through the town. There was even some livestock with sheep being sheared and piglets and baby calves to ogle over!
There were stalls on the Maes square, down around the castle, on the front and along the docks.
The weather was perfect and we had a really lovely time!

We spent the evening eating our purchases and watching a movie - Aliens v Cowboys.
It could have easily been a naff film but the cast was pretty good with Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford, amongst others.
The synopsis I found online is:
Bearing a mysterious metal shackle on his wrist, an amnesiac gunslinger (Daniel Craig) wanders into a frontier town called Absolution. He quickly finds that strangers are unwelcome, and no one does anything without the approval of tyrannical Col. Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford). But when Absolution faces a threat from beyond Earth, the stranger finds that he is its only hope of salvation. He unites townspeople, outlaws and Apache warriors against the alien forces in an epic battle for survival.

It was an entertaining film but I'm not sure we would watch it again!

13th May

On the day before what would have been my due date, I had a design permanently inked on my forearm to represent Jesse.
A butterfly so I can whisper I love you and it will fly my message to Jesse. A moon and star because my parents named a star after Jesse.
I wanted something perfectly unique, just like my baby, to show my love for Jesse.
It will be there forever and a day on my arm and I can always look at my tattoo and feel a sense of peace and calm knowing I did something right by them.

Today, my Dad is having an operation.
He broke his wrist a couple weeks ago. When he noticed that seagulls were attempting to nest on his roof he decided to take matters into his own hands.
He took a ladder up on to the garage roof and was going to use the hose to move on the birds to discourage them from nesting.
The ladder slipped. Dad fell onto the garage roof and the ladder fell into next door's garden.

It could have ended so much worse.

So after going to fracture clinic and going for a cat scan, he was scheduled to go to the hospital yesterday to have a pin and bone graft to heal his wrist.
However, there was an emergency and he got pushed back down the queue. However, they managed to find a bed for him and so he was scheduled for 2nd on the list today.

I had quite a blub at the time he was due in surgery. I hadn't had a chance to message him to wish him well and I found out my Mum was at home looking after the dogs. Knowing he was on his own I got really upset and hoped that he wasn't scared and knew that he was loved.

But of course, I was just being melodramatic as he is my Dad, all went well and he was being allowed home the same day.

I know my Mum is a nervous driver and so Caz and I offered to pick her up and break my Dad out of the hospital.
He seemed quite pleased to see us and everyone was grateful we were able to help out.

Caz and I picked up a Chinese takeaway on the way home as by now it was getting a bit late and we wouldn't want to cook by the time we got home.
We sat feasting on our satay pork and sweet and sour king prawn meals while watching the highlights from the Spanish F1 Grand Prix.
A perfect way to round off a long evening but a lovely weekend.