Week 15

21st May

Work was pretty standard and went by uneventfully.

As it was such a lovely day Caz and I went for an evening walk. It was nice to get out in the fresh air and stretch my legs.

I've given up doing the may we all heal prompts. I don't know if it is too soon or what but it wasn't feeling easy. It feels quite conflicted now that I'm pregnant again too. On one hand, I was being prompted to talk about loneliness and on the other, I don't feel that way now. I'm hopeful about this baby and having them there with me all the time creates a close feeling.

After missing the mindfulness class last week, I've been trying to catch up. Seeming I'm meant to be practising the meditation every day I haven't really achieved. I completed it the sum total of 1 time. It is really difficult. With the majority of these meditations being around 45 minutes long I find I get really agitated and struggling to sit or lie there and pay attention.
I feel more frustrated, bored and even angry doing these meditations than anything.

I did read an article about how mindfulness can be difficult. You get the impression that it is all relaxation and peacefulness but actually you might have some difficult thoughts swirling around your head. Sitting with these difficult thoughts and paying attention to them can feel counterproductive. It can drag up all of these emotions if you haven't processed them.

I just feel such a sense of relief when the meditation finishes. Even come 8 minutes in I was willing it to end.
I can sit in a waiting room more patiently for longer. I don't know why it is so difficult.

22nd May

There is a bit of a different routine today - I am going on a training course!

It is at our sister site at work at Robertson's at Tyn y coed in Llanrhos.

I felt a little anxious and apprehensive about this course. Anything out of the ordinary can be quite worrying sometimes!

But I needn't have worried. I knew to park in the visitor parking bays. I knew to get a temporary swipe card from reception as my card wouldn't work on that site. I knew where the coffee machine was and it even served decaf coffee. I knew where the training room was so walked over there in the lovely warm sunshine.

Once in there I was greeted by the trainer and I thought oh he might be boring, simply reading the cover of the book. But that was a misconception. He might have been in his 50s but he wasn't boring. He was from a village near Brussels in Belgium. He'd worked for around 25 years in IT, predominantly for the banking sector. He then set up his own contractor IT business and had 60 employees. When that was bought out he stayed for another 3 years but the vibe had changed and he knew it was too sweet a deal for what he was doing and what he was being paid. So he looked deep inside and realised he wanted to go into coaching. He had managerial experience and extensive skills and knew he would be able to do something quite profound in that sector. That brings us to today!

A couple people couldn't attend the course - one had just come back from being offshore and another claimed he didn't know anything about the course or that he was booked for it. He pulled out because he said he was very busy today.
In the end, there were 6 of us plus the tutor.

The course was called working at the speed of trust. I literally had no clue about what this might be about in the slightest.
We were given a course pack which included a copy of 'speed of trust' written by Stephen Covey and a workbook to take notes in. The workbook also included probing questions, diagrams to help explain concepts and inspirational quotes.

The course was looking at where trust comes from - your morals, values and character as well as your abilities and results. It was delving into how you would build trust with others and it even gave scenarios such as a senior colleague doesn't respect you and how to have a conversation with them to start developing a rapport with them. You start with active listening and it goes from there.

There was a bit of role play which I somehow mostly managed to wangle my way out of, quite a bit of pairing up to work together and a fair few videos clips to watch to provoke your thoughts.

Seeming I didn't know what to expect at all, I came away thinking it was a very beneficial course and well worth attending. I'm not wholly sure how I can apply it to work, but I can picture it helping me to develop personally.

In the evening I had a bit of a chill session!
I'd seen an offer online to buy 4 tubes of charcoal face mask and pay just delivery from Misfit Cosmetics.

You started by cleaning and drying your face to open up your pores. Then you applied a thick layer of the mask avoiding your eyes and lips as they are too sensitive.
You then chilled for 20 minutes or so and then peeled off the mask! It is designed to remove blackheads. I'm not sure I saw much gunk coming away but my skin felt so soft and nice afterwards.

23rd May

Another busy day planned today!
I'm not at work though as I've booked the day off but I had to book the time off as I had so many hospital appointments. Caz worked from home so he could take me to and from the hospital and give me some moral support.

First stop was going to the renal clinic for an iron infusion.
The ladies who run the clinic were in an audit meeting at first so they were running a little late. But soon I was in a treatment chair and they'd put a small needle into my arm to start the iron drip. They took some blood from me first and then I took my medications. Jane and Donna looked after me and I have to say I really didn't feel the needle go in at all. Completely pain-free. Because the needle was so small, it can be easy for it to slip despite being secured in with a big see-thru plaster. So that meant my arm was in a hover position. I know it should only take 10 to 20 minutes but I knew my arm would probably start to shake so I asked if I could have a pillow or something put under my arm to support it. Donna found a blanket and rolled it up for me.
It all passed quite uneventfully and went really well. I don't think you will experience any boost from it for at least a week or even a month, so it is a gradual thing.
Hopefully, it helps my anaemia to some extent.

Next stop was my obstetrics appointment.
I got seen really quite quickly by a midwife initially.
Grace was the first person who actually asked me how I was feeling and if I'd had any anxiety. That is when I told her that I had a miscarriage last year and that I find myself checking for blood everytime I go to the bathroom. It is draining. She said it is very natural to feel this way and that hopefully, that will begin to ease as I start to feel the baby more and things start feeling more certain and real.
She checked for baby's heartbeat with the doppler and all was perfect. She said they are definitely strong.

Back to the waiting room as I'm an interesting case so a junior doctor wanted the chance to look through my notes before talking to me.
Dr Clarke and the junior were both really positive. They didn't have much to say or do as the renal unit are keeping such a close eye on me. They said they had good feelings about this pregnancy now and yes, the baby will probably need to be early. You can apparently tell if you are going to have pre-eclampsia by around week 20. The symptoms of high blood pressure, pain under the ribs and vision problems will be showing themselves by then. If you are going to get it you will have it around then.
I go back in two weeks time.

We popped home for lunch and a nap and headed back out for my kidney appointment in the afternoon.

The clinic was running around 45 minutes late. I bumped into Danielle, a fellow kidney patient who has gone on to have a baby, waiting for her appointment too.
There was nothing in my urine sample - no protein or bacterias so that is perfect! My creatinine is 110 which is really good for me as my average is between 140 and 160, the lower the better.
I'm still anaemic but we will see how I go following my iron infusion. My drug levels weren't back yet so I will find out at a later date if I need to increase my medications again.

These are currently the pills I take in a morning.

Caz giving me the Eprex injection. This is done 3 times a week.

By the time we'd finished, I had time to have a stir fry for dinner and then dash back out for my mindfulness class.
Like I said, I've really not been warming to the meditations and find them very boring and definitely an endurance exercise. It doesn't really feel beneficial.

Well, it turns out I was the last to the class. There was only 1 space left in the circle of chairs next to Annee the tutor.
We had to get either meditation stools or cushions and mats to be able to practise on.
Quite quickly we started a sitting meditation but thankfully it was a shorter practice - only around 15 minutes. You then had to talk in groups of 3 about your experiences with today's practise and also with how your home practices went.
I said boredom was a big issue for me and time dragging. Discomfort is also a big thing. One option for the meditation is to sit on a hard-backed chair but away from the back, allowing your spine to support itself. The sensations grow and grow until I just can't bear it anymore.

It is apparently completely okay to take a pause to stand up and move around, you could also change position from perhaps seated to lying down. There is also the option to mindfully stretch and move to a slightly different position. That means not just moving automatically when you feel the pain but acknowledging the pain, deciding to move a certain way and then doing it.

During one of the group sharing exercises when we offer up our experiences to the room if we feel comfortable Annee said: "Are we trying to become expert meditators or are we actually trying to improve our lives". That was quite profound to me. I joined the course to find acceptance for the cards I have been dealt in life and find happiness with my lot. This gives me the permission to take my mindfulness in a way that works for me - short practises, different postures and little and often. I think this may have been the epiphany moment I was looking for. Hopefully, this now gives me a little more flexibility and positivity for moving forward for the rest of the course.

I found Walter chilling under the footstool. He seems to sleep under here when it is warm.

24th May

I was really drained after my adventures yesterday! I had to have a nap after work for the first time in ages!

I somehow managed to squeeze in 3 sessions of the 3-minute breathing space. I felt quite accomplished but I do have a feeling it was only because it was so fresh in my mind.
I then managed to do a sitting meditation after dinner but it was a 20-minute version - much more manageable.

I am definitely not myself as I asked for chips, baked beans and lemon breadcrumbed fish for dinner. I never touch baked beans. Whenever Caz has baked beans I would always have spaghetti hoops. I think this is a sign of things to come from Baby Moomin - they are showing their food preferences already! Haha!

In the evening, I wanted to do some exercise, but I also wanted to watch some Netflix. I did both - I sat on my bicycle turbo trainer pedalling away, albeit slowly in a low gear, while watching the start of season 2 of Poldark. I think I am probably a couple seasons behind 'live' telly but I'm watching it!

25th May

It was quite a good day at work. There was a bake-off challenge.
I used to take part in these until I got to a point where standing was an endurance sport.
The challenge this month was baking bread.

There were only 3 entrants - a seeded brown cob loaf, a sultana loaf and a caramelised onion loaf.
I have to say what swayed me to try the pieces of bread was that there was mature cheddar. Yum!

The onion loaf was a little heavy and perhaps underbaked. The sultana loaf was a little unusual - the flavour was very bready if you didn't get a sultana in a bite. Whereas the seeded brown bread was just heavenly. It smelt amazing, could be used as a pillow as it was so soft but with a really crisp crust and the flavour was really quite mouthwatering. That was the winner in my books!

You had to vote on the appearance and the taste and overall the seeded loaf won!

26th May

With it being a bank holiday, we will try and avoid leaving the house unless we need to.
The A55 will be heaving and so it just isn't worth venturing out.

I think knowing this, I felt really relaxed and peaceful. I had nowhere to be, no time schedule so I could just do as I pleased in my good time!

I did manage to drag myself away from relaxing to put some towels from the bathroom to wash.

We also watched the qualifying for the F1 Grand Prix from Monaco. For some reason, it always makes us sleepy, so we needed a nap between Q1 and Q2!

Knowing the weather might turn, we went for a little local walk to get our bodies moving again!

I set some dried fruit to soak in sweet tea overnight as I plan to bake a bara brith tomorrow! What else are long weekends for if not baking and over indulging.

27th May

The weather was appalling.
There was a low mist that clung around all day and intermittent heavy rain shows and thunder and lightning. It was going through cycles of about 5 minutes. Constantly, throughout the day. It felt like it might never stop.

I carried on with baking my bara brith - self-raising flour was sieved into the fruit mixture along with mixed spice and an egg.
It takes a long ass time to bake - probably around 2 hours all in. I checked it at an hour and a half but it needed a little longer. It rose so well that it barely fitted in my cake tin to store it away. An excuse to have a slice before it goes in the tin!

It was almost like a Chinese Laundrette at ours!
I stripped the bed and put on new really funky Flamingo bedding.
I also put a load of clothes on to wash and it inspired me to sort my clothes so that my maternity wear is on the rack by my bed all neatly organised to pick and choose from each morning.

In between washing and drying clothes we watched the F1 Grand Prix from Monaco.

The trouble with this weather is that you don't really want to eat all that much. You feel hot, sticky and not really all that hungry.

I managed to do another 30 or 40 minutes cycling in the evening, this time watching 13 reasons why.  I had to wait until it was a fair bit cooler to do that though.