Week 9

9th April
Now that I have been signed off for a fortnight, I want to do as much self-care as I can and be as productive as possible to improve my mental state.

I woke up with Caz's alarm and got up after he had finished in the bathroom.
Starting my day with Nutella on toast can surely only improve my day.

The sun is shining, the sky is blue and clear.

I have discovered a 21-day anxiety challenge and think it will do me the world of good, or at least no harm, to give it a try.
Day 1: Spend 20 minutes outside.

I might either just sit on our garden bench or go for a short walk. Either way, with this weather, I will easily tick off challenge 1.

The alternative therapy centre has been in touch and agreed that acupuncture or Human Givens might be the best therapies for me at this time.
I will get back to them and book a time for some acupuncture. Looks like the guy who specialises in acupuncture just works at the centre on Monday's. I will book in for next Monday afternoon.
At least this is something to hold on to, something to work towards, something to invest my hope into.
I'm nervous. I don't really know what to expect and I really don't like meeting new people to be judged by.
But I have to hope that being focussed in Chinese medicine that he will have a very holistic and sympathetic approach to helping me.
I do feel it is my mind that is holding me back.

I've also been very resourceful and phoned the renal clinic transplant nurse - Rebecca.
I said when I put in my repeat prescription there were only 2 items in the script. So my anaemia injections, eprex, weren't available.
So, as I am in the hospital on Wednesday morning for my first obstetrics appointment, she's asked if I can pop into the clinic first and get some bloods done. She'll be able to check my results and then prescribe the right dose injections about an hour later. So potentially by the time I'm done with obstetrics, I can pick up some injections!

I also asked about being referred to a cardiologist.
This was suggested last pregnancy but I didn't get far along enough to be seen. Rebecca said we can sort the referral at my renal appointment a week on Wednesday.

Finally, I brought up that I am struggling with anxiety or depression and have been signed off by my GP for a fortnight.
Rebecca was quite sympathetic and said it is an unnerving time. She will refer me to Paul, the psychologist connected to the renal unit. I felt it helped to talk to Paul after my miscarriage. I'm hoping it will help again. I just want some tips and advice on how to overcome anxiety. Whether that be breathing techniques, mantras to say or anything, I just want a bit of support and help.
I think maybe seeing him a bit more routinely and not having this be a one-off with an open door should I need to come back would be a lot more useful.

That is something ticked off my to-do list and a little weight off my mind.

I've also been thinking about how obscene my wardrobe is. I have a walk-in wardrobe and yes it is voluminous and I have pretty much filled every space in it.
But how much of what I own do I actually wear? Why do I only feel I should buy cheap clothing? Why do I not feel good in many of my clothes?
I think I need to completely overhaul my thinking. I guess with going through life-changing events your perspective changes. What was important before isn't even featured on your priority list now.
I don't know if I'm having some sort of personal crisis or breakdown but it feels like it is something I need to completely change.
Besides, maybe with fewer options of what to wear my mornings will be simpler and less stressful.

In recent months I've realised that buying cheap shoes from the clothing section in Tesco isn't worth it. The shoes aren't comfortable, they don't fit particularly well and (surprise, surprise) they don't last.

I've been trying to encourage myself to go to places that actually do my exact shoe size (usually a 5 and a half) and try before I buy. I might be a 6 in boots as I want to wear a cosy pair of socks, I might be a 5 for a slip on shoe but a 5 and a half for a lace-up shoe or high heel.

So, should I not follow the same theory for my clothes too? I own so many items. Some I love but don't wear as someone once thought it was a Christmas jumper as it is a little sparkly or mocked that my floral trousers looked like pyjama bottoms. But should I not only care about what I think? Should I not wear things that are comfortable. Why wear something that pinches at the waist or doesn't flatter my shape?
I do have a lot of nice things but I do feel I could potentially focus myself and whittle my collection down to a lot less.

I have been thinking about doing a capsule wardrobe. That is where you pick say 35 key pieces that can all complement one another so you can mix and match what you wear, always keeping it fresh and new. You have a formal trouser, a relaxed trouser and maybe another pair of trousers for good luck!
But, I am quite a hoarder. Caz is quite a hoarder. I have clothes with snags, stains, tears, and others that maybe I haven't actually even worn.

I took the bull by the horns and made a start.

I piled all my shoes in the room.

This is not including my wellies as they leak and need to be binned.
But it includes my running shoes, walking boots and everything else.

Ideally, you want a pair of formal flat shoes, casual flat shoes, dressy high heels, a pair of boots and a pair of sandals.
I don't think I will be able to whittle it down to just that... But maybe I can improve on where I was.

Out go the shoes that are so squished that they don't even represent a thing I can put my foot into. In the bin goes a pair of canvas trainers that are really worn at the back of the shoe.
I created a pile for charity (or for selling on if I have the energy). These are shoes with little wear and can hopefully bring someone some use again.

This is what I'm keeping. It is better. Not perfect in the slightest, but better.
2 pairs of sandals, 2 pairs of boots, 1 pair of walking shoes, 2 pairs of running trainers (road and trail), 2 smart pairs of flats, 2 pairs of heels and 4 pairs of casual shoes (including 2 good quality pairs of Vans). I just need to buy a pair of wellies and then I am set for anything!

10th April
I'm going on a trip out!
I'm not going for or doing anything fancy. I messaged my parents asking if I could visit for coffee and they said around 11am would be good as they will have finished their dog walk by then.
I think at this time a short trip to them is all I can realistically manage.

It is a 52mile round trip to see my parents. I only stayed for an hour in the end. It is crazy just how tired I am feeling now, to be honest. I don't necessarily want to be off and not in work. I just can't physically or mentally cope with it at the moment.

It was nice to catch up with my parents. We talked everything from pregnancy to motorsport, politics to what is on TV.

When I was back home I had some lunch and then settled down to watch some TV. I was intending to watch something like 'call the midwife' but I decided to finally give in to something different.

Reign has been appearing on my Netflix recommended for Nikki list and trending lists for a few weeks. What is it about? Why does it think I'll like it?
Well, it turns out it is a period drama set in the 1500's. It is based on Mary Queen of Scots.
It is quite extravagant, exciting and even a little erotic in parts. I have a very limited prior knowledge of Royal history, so don't know how closely they stick to what actually happened.

I do feel some of what they say, what they wear isn't really historically accurate. I just feel they might be more likely to wear wigs or have big bouffant hair rather than more relaxed, bohemian long hair with a few plaits in. I think their clothes are perhaps a little too fancy for the time too, but what am I to know!

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today. At least the task for the 21-day anxiety challenge will help.
Colour a page in a colouring book.

I didn't want to just settle for a page in one of my colouring books. I have lots of mandala style patterns and plenty of florals, but I wanted something less abstract and more artistic. So I found a colouring page on Pinterest and printed it out.

11th April
I'm quite nervous about today. I have my very first (for this pregnancy) obstetrics appointment.

First stop, renal department. I have to pick up some new blood test forms to get completed this morning.
Rebecca, the transplant nurse, said she has a meeting between 11am and midday, but she will check the results and put a prescription in for the right dosage of Eprex, my anaemia injection treatment.
The renal unit is at the back of the hospital and there are a few car park spaces there usually. But today all the spaces were taken so I had to drive around again and try and find a space in the main carpark. I luckily managed to find a space, got the ticket that gives you 4 hours free parking and then walked over to the main entrance and through the warren of corridors to get to the renal unit.
It was quite easy in the end really. The blood test forms were just behind the reception counter in the renal unit so I was soon on my way to trudge all the way back to the main foyer where the blood test unit is.

There were quite a few people waiting and the next ticket number on the digital sign above the door was 79. I didn't hold out much hope for being able to get tested before my obstetrics appointment. I'd allowed about 20 minutes to do this before my appointment but I didn't really think it would be busy. I went to the ticket dispenser - 79. It was my lucky day!
I walked straight in, sat down, removed my left arm from my cardigan and the phlebotomist looked a little disgruntled. I think typically, they tend to take blood from the right arm. But I know the veins in my right arm are pretty much collapsed and so tiny that they struggle to get any blood from that side now. So to avoid discomfort and them sticking needles in me more than once, I always give my left arm now.
The woman wheeled the trolley to my other side and then after a moment, all was complete.

I then went back out of the main entrance and around the corner to the left and there is the obstetrics department.
I was feeling really quite nervous now. I'm meeting Caz here to go to the appointment together. I passed my appointment letter, information sheet and handheld notes to the receptionist and was given a urine sample bottle in exchange. I couldn't yet go for a wee, so I sat down and started to down my bottle of water. Caz then arrived and almost immediately we were called through.
The nurse/midwife walked us through and sat us down in a treatment/consultation room. She took my blood pressure (126/60) and asked us to stay seated.
Then the obstetrician, Dr Chris Clarke came in.
I have met her previously. A couple years ago I entered a charity 5k run. It was in aid of Awyr Las (which means ‘Blue Sky’ in Welsh) and it is our local NHS Charity. Awyr Las helps ensure that people across North Wales benefit from better NHS services when they need them the most. But as part of the package, if you signed up early your name would be put in a hat and you could win one to one training to get you ready for the 5k. This is where I met Chris. I explained my health issues to her and she got me running intervals and was slowly reducing the walking bit and increasing the running.

She wanted to put me on low dose aspirin but I said I'm already on it and that I'm tolerating it well (no upset stomach or such). She noted what medications I am on and okayed my pregnancy vitamin and told me to stay on it for the whole pregnancy.

So, I have a few issues that make me 'high risk'.

1. renal transplant
2. mild reduction in LV function (my heart failure)
3. on bisoprolol, tacrolimus, eprex, azathioprine (my potentially risky medications)
4. rickets previously affecting legs not pelvis

Then the plan.

1. dating scan 
2. anomaly uss (the 20-week ultrasound)
3. ref Cardiol and anaesthetist after 12/40 (referral to monitor my heart and sort pain meds after the first trimester)
4. liaise with renal team Dr Alejmi
5. regular growth scans
6. close monitoring re pre-eclampsia
7. monthly Hb
8. see 2 weekly
9. baseline PCR

So, I'm at a high risk of pre-eclampsia. Chris warned me that my baby will be early and small.

My aim is to try and get beyond 34 weeks but the last kidney transplant patient got to 36 weeks. So I can realistically expect my baby early to mid-October now by the sound of it!

We literally have 6 months to prepare and organise, but our want to prepare is nil because we are so worried that baby won't make it. So we will be last minute panic buyers I think!

We feel excited but terrified. This is going to be a long and scary adventure by the sound of it. Things might go smoothly and I'll prove doctors wrong, or I could be having issues from quite early on and potentially be admitted to hospital and baby might have a long stay afterwards as they are premature. Time will tell. At least they will closely monitor me and intervene should they need to.

Caz then hugged and kissed me and made his way back to work. I still had one task to tick off my list - collect my prescription I put in the other day and hope that the injections were also ready.

I went back to the main hospital and decided to go for a coffee first to give Rebecca a chance to sort my prescription. I always like supporting the RVS cafe - they are all volunteers from what I'm aware of, either elderly or disabled in some way and want to have a normal job and normal life. 

I settled down at a table and just read my book, insomnia, while drinking my coffee for an hour.

Then I went down to the pharmacy. There were only 2 items. I phoned Rebecca and she asked me to meet her in clinic 10. I made my way over and she checked my results and increased my dosage to weekly and gave me a slip to take to the pharmacy.

A 30-minute wait later, I was done and ready to leave. I had used 3 hours 45 on my free parking ticket. That's plenty long enough for my liking.

I'm so drained but snuggling with these two makes my day.

12th April
I am so tired after yesterday's shenanigans.
I got up with Caz on his alarm and by 10am I was well and truly done and had to go to bed for a nap.

I then wanted to do something to both prove I can still do it but also to show my appreciation to Caz. So I baked a millionaires shortbread!
I did literally have to do it in stages. I couldn't stand
long enough, I was feeling so tired. I mixed the shortbread and stirred in some tiny fudge pieces into the mix.

It was then baked and cooled before the caramel layer was created. That is mixing condensed milk over the hob with butter, sugar and golden syrup. I put in half a teaspoon of salt too to make more of a salted caramel feel to it.
Once that had gone to the right consistency, it was poured over the biscuit base. The final stage is to melt some chocolate and pour it over the top. I used dark chocolate and added dribbles of white chocolate to give it a more marbled and fancy look.

It passed the taste test!

I missed yesterday's anxiety challenge as my day was taken up in hospital. So I got back to it today. Today's task in the 21-day anxiety challenge is:
Write down five things you are grateful for.

1. Caz - he is so good to me. So caring, so gentle, so loving. 
2. Walter - I think he has really helped my anxiety; without him, I would be tonnes worse. 
3. Health - I am grateful my health is stable and in fact, my kidney function has slightly improved recently.
4. The weather - it has been slowly warming up with more daylight hours. Very good for the soul.
5. Hospital - despite not wanting to spend much time there I am grateful that I will be monitored closely and hopefully looked after well.

Caz and I also had our weekly pamper session by having a bath together!
We have run out of bath bombs and bath salts at the moment so it was plain old radox relax bubble bath - still really nice and warming!

13th April
I wanted to try and do something more useful today.
So I did a load of washing. I couldn't carry the basket downstairs so I ended up having to throw a few items down at a time. After sorting everything I put a load of washing on.

I didn't achieve much else until Caz came home around 2pm. His Avensis is booked in for an MOT, so I followed him over to Halfords in Bangor. He then jumped in my car and we carried on to Next. I wanted to look at the clothes and see if I could get anything that might be suitable to tide me over until I need to wear maternity clothes.
I bought a couple vest tops, a flamingo blouse and a pair of harem style trousers. The trousers are so comfy! They are cotton with a geometric print on and an elasticated waistband that seems to sit nicely under my developing bump! Caz also bought a few Tshirts that were on offer.

We then traipsed upstairs and went to the Costa cafe. I sat down at one of the few free tables - the sofa! I had a hot chocolate and Caz chose a decaf tea.

Afterwards, we wandered around the housing department in Next and admired some of the armchairs. We aren't 100% sure where to get an armchair from to have in the nursery, but we do know it needs to be comfy.

We then drove over to Tesco and got all the supplies for the weekly shop.
By the time we were finished, I dropped Caz back off at Halfords and the car had passed it's MOT fine. It just needed a replacement bulb for his number plate. No biggie!

In the evening we watched the World Rally Championship highlights. They were in Corsica back on the last weekend.
Loeb was back in it again. I thought he was only driving the one event. But it seems he was back again and is actually due to come to another later in the year too. So Craig Breen had to give up his seat for Loeb. Literally, on the first stage, Loeb overcooked a corner and slid into a tree. Fans tried to help but they actually ended pushing him more into a ditch! That was pretty much the end of his rally!
Corsica is a tarmac rally so after the snow and gravel stages at previous rallies, this was a really fast-paced and high-speed rally.
Ogier won the first 3 stages, Lapi won 4 stages and a few others picked up a few wins along the way.
But the overall winner was Ogier with Tanak and Neuville in 2nd and 3rd places.

The task today in my 21-day anxiety challenge is:
Get hydrated.
I usually always have a refillable bottle of water on me. I try and drink at least one bottle of water (about 800mls) plus a couple other cold drinks and a few hot drinks. Probably aiming for around 2litres of fluid a day. Today was no exception.

14th April

I'm feeling so low and anxious. I just can't shake it and want to be left alone.
I ended up having a nap mid-morning and that did make me feel a little brighter.

Today's task on 21-day anxiety challenge is:
Play loud music and dance.
Well, I listened to plenty of music. I tend to just use Deezer as my default music player and put on my especially recommended music in my 'flow' playlist. Often though I want to try and calm myself and so listen to something like 'tropical chill'. There was no dancing though. Maybe a little swaying or gently grooving in my chair.

I had a phone call from the midwife today. Apparently, my urine sample that was sent off shows possible cultures growing but it is inconclusive if I have an infection or not. Because I'm not symptomatic, I've been told not to worry.

Typical symptoms are:
A burning feeling when you urinate.
A frequent or intense urge to urinate, even though little comes out when you do.
Pain or pressure in your back or lower abdomen.
Cloudy, dark, bloody, or strange-smelling urine.
Feeling tired or shaky.
Fever or chills (a sign the infection may have reached your kidneys)

Caz and I went over to my parents late afternoon and we stayed for dinner.
I'm not eating 'normal' portions now. Last pregnancy I was ravenous; this one I am eating little and often. It is more like a child's portion for dinner but I do have plenty of healthy snacks between meals.
My parents had seen a wrought iron trolley over the road which had a sign on it 'free to good home'. They asked if we would like it and I think it might be useful, perhaps for putting baby cleaning products on and wheeling it to the bathroom and to their nursery. So, there we go, we are now owners of a little trolley with glass shelves.

15th April
I'm still feeling very low and also tearful now too.
I had this urge to just go back to bed and stay there until I felt better. Only this might not actually bring about any change and might in fact make my low mood drag on even longer. So I resisted going back to bed and I think that was perhaps the best decision.

I've discovered this website for pregnant Mum's and for Mum's of young children.
https://www.fittamamma.com
There are tonnes of workouts, articles, recipes and advice stowed amongst its pages.
Reading this has helped me see that perhaps 'bed rest' isn't the best option. Walking has been good but I need to push myself a little more for my baby's sake as well as my own. It isn't about hitting PBs but keeping healthy.

Now that I know I am at risk of pre-eclampsia, I want to do everything within my power to prevent it from happening as much as I can.
So I got off my arse and I did a workout.

Warm up:
FittaMamma safe pregnancy exercise warm-up for any trimester
FittaMamma complete pregnancy workout for 1st trimester

I have to say my mood improved greatly, my body feels alive and I don't know why I didn't try this sooner. It felt doable but definitely challenging me.

I've been eating healthily but now I have the drive to want to eat as good as humanly possible. Out are crisps and chocolate and in are grapes, carrot sticks, a handful of almonds, a small portion of cheese and lots and lots of melon!
I've read that watermelon is a wonder food. Just look at this article for 10 REASONS WHY WATERMELON IS A PERFECT FOOD FOR PREGNANT WOMEN

The weekend also consisted of motorsport!
We didn't have a chance to watch the F1 qualifying from yesterday, so caught up with it today.
They are in Shanghai in China this time.
Ricardo had engine issues during the final practice when his turbo gave up and exploded in a spectacular plume of smoke and chirp of the turbo! His mechanics had literally 2 hours to get it all fixed to make it into the qualifying rounds. They did it! Just! He literally only had time for one flying lap in Q3 and he nudged his car into the next round.
Both Saubers and both Williams cars, as well as Gasly - the hero to zero as Channel 4 so bluntly put it -  failed to make it through beyond Q3. A  bit disappointing but someone has to fail!
There were a lot of the usual suspects out in the next round - Magnussen in the Haas, both McLarens, Ocon in the Force India and Hartley in the Torro Rosso.
That left it for the Mercedes, Ferraris and Red Bulls, along with Renault, Perez and Grosjean to battle it out for the top spots at the front of the grid. It typically fell Ferrari 1 and 2 being Vettel and Raikkonen, Mercedes 3 and 4 but Bottas pipped Hamilton who just doesn't seem comfortable in his car this season, Verstappen and Ricciardo followed closely behind and then it was Hulkenberg, Perez, Sainz and Grosjean.
Hamilton has the pressure on him, he needs to claw back some points from Vettel now and needs to also prove a point that he is still in it to win it and retain his championship.

While the going was good, we wanted to go for a short walk. The weather had been forecast to be rainy all afternoon but so far it had been quite kind.
We walked, planning to go as far as the farm where lambs are kept in the front garden, but as we were going we started feeling small raindrops. We turned back, went home and literally as we closed the door the heavens opened! We did that in the nick of time.

At Tesco the other day there was an offer to buy so many pre-prepared tapas style foods for so much.
We decided to have these for dinner tonight along with some black pepper and salted fries.
Oh my goodness! How yummy! This was the first time I felt like I'd enjoyed food in a long time.

There were spinach and feta pastry parcels, prawns and sundried tomatoes in a garlic butter, mushroom and mozzarella rice balls in a crispy coating, falafel with an apricot centre, the black pepper and salt fries and some pulled pork parcels. Yum!

Then we settled down to watch the F1 race.
The cars all stayed pretty close and battling throughout the race. It was helped by a safety car brought on because both Torro Rossos collided! Naughty, naughty! Teammates definitely shouldn't punt each other off.
Max was having an amazing race. He passed so many people really cleanly and with respect, probably following on from smashing into Hamilton last time around. But then, I spoke too soon. He smashed into Vettel and both went spinning around. When is he going to learn some control and respect? I so desperately want to root for him but he is just a bit too passionate if that is such a thing!
That allowed Ricciardo to pass and he took on everyone ahead of him and actually WON the race! He's a top lad and always looks so grateful for being on the podium. Even when he isn't, he usually still has a smile ready.
The podium was completed with Bottas and Raikkonen. Hamilton only managed 4th and Max had a 10-second penalty for his risky move and so ended up 5th. Vettel finished in 8th behind Hulkenberg and Alonso after he was taken out by Max.

After that, we just wanted something a little more mindless to watch. I won the choosing and we ended up watching an old episode of one born every minute. Caz was amazed how different all the couples are. Some are jokey, some are drippy but some are loving. He says that is how we will be so we will wait and see!
There was one couple that needed to be taken for a cesarian section as she just wasn't really progressing quickly enough. It was fascinating to see how the baby is just ripped out of the body and thrust into the world. They tended to be whisked away and not held immediately by the parents. I think they were weighed and checked over first.
I 100% want that skin to skin contact immediately. I think it really improves the bond between Mum and baby (and Dad) and makes them a little more settled.  Well, we have to see how things go and what interventions I will be needing.

The task of the 21-day anxiety challenge is:
No social media day.
I did this, although not intentionally. I was avoiding social media and news outlets to try and prevent myself, or Caz, coming across the results of the F1 as we only got highlights this time around. I think it would definitely be beneficial to try this properly another time. I actually quit Facebook for 90-days and it really was an eye-opener. I felt so much more confident without seeing the side of people's lives they choose to broadcast. I didn't have all the bad news from the world streaming into my eyeballs from the moment I woke up. It all felt a little simpler and honed my world down to just my local community and family. It was really a novel experience and I would recommend it to anyone!