14th May
I'm unsure what to write for this, it is more of a feeling than something you can describe. You get twangs at certain times and feel empty.
These pieces of art portray it better than I can describe.
So, this happened today!
We had an appointment with the midwife - Wendy.
She gave me lots of blood test results to say my blood group is O positive and I don't have too many antibodies, I don't have HIV, don't have hepatitis, I am negative for cystic fibrosis and the downs syndrome screening was low but we still have to wait for the confirmation letter. Apparently, we would have heard something if it wasn't good news.
I'm really anaemic though and just have to continue on with the medications as recommended by Dr Alejmi.
Next step is the whooping cough vaccination. You have to have that at around 16 weeks. I just need to phone the GP surgery at that time and the practise nurse will do it for me. It should be much like the flu jab but it can maybe sting a little more.
Again, I need to check with the consultant if this vaccination is recommended for me.
She did refer to this as first-time pregnancy a few times, so I corrected her. This is my second. Best to be upfront with the medical teams.
She then said she doesn't normally use the doppler until nearer 16 weeks but as I am reasonably petite, that she could give it a go. She found the heartbeat almost instantly!
I couldn't stop smiling, Caz took the video and we both started to well up!
Baby Moomin is a strong little thing!
Work was pretty standard. There are auditors or visitors in at the moment, but they didn't bother me. We just have to be on the ball so we can prove we know how to use the hazard observation system and can find the process charts and HSE documentation.
15th May
My hubby, Caz, gifted me this infinity heart necklace in the months after our miscarriage. I hardly ever take it off. I sleep in it, I shower in it and it is constantly with me.
My love for my lost baby will be everlasting.
I might not bother to mention work going forward! Nothing exciting happens and it is all pretty standard and business as usual.
I had a phone call from Rebecca the renal transplant special nurse. She wants me to go in for a blood test tomorrow and she has sorted another batch of my Eprex injections to keep me going now my dosage has been increased.
16th May
Comfort eating was an unplanned necessity. I didn't realise I was doing it at the time but after I didn't lose any of the pooch after my miscarriage I realised there was an issue!
Self-care and sharing with my husband became my healthier go to.
I went to the hospital and checked in to the renal unit. Rebecca wanted to do a urine test and check my blood pressure. It looks like my blood pressure is getting quite low now. The upper number, systolic measurement, was 101. Rebecca mentioned that she would ideally like that figure to remain above 100 if at all possible.
I walked back through the hospital and on the way collected the 18 injections on my prescription order. They couldn't find it immediately but after looking up my hospital number they found the injections stashed away in a fridge.
Phlebotomy next. They tried my right arm with little success; only managing to get one vial worth of blood from me. Trying my left arm it was a lot better. All done.
However, when I was walking back to my car I felt a strange sensation in my arm. I guessed I might be oozing a fair bit of blood from my left arm. When I got back to my car I was right. The bit of cotton wool they taped to the crook of my left arm was completely sodden and so I removed the cotton wool from my right arm and put it on my left instead and pressed on the site for a few minutes. All seemed well after that and I was back on my way.
I, unfortunately, experienced a small amount of spotting today. I thought after 5 weeks had passed since the last lot of blood that I might be in the clear. It was only a tiny amount, barely streaking the tissue with a small amount of pink.
I've been having so many rupturing blood vessels in my nose that it could just be my circulation is higher than usual. It must be so easy for things to get irritated and so unless it is accompanied by cramping or it gets heavier I won't be troubling the midwife or gynaecological ward.
I contacted the mindfulness instructor and told her I would be needing to take it easy following a trip to the hospital. I think it is best to put my feet up, relax and just do some self-care instead of rushing from work, eating a light dinner and rushing to the session.
She was very nice about it and I should be able to go again next week.
I'm not 100% sure that mindfulness is for me. It is all so very intense. You'd think that perhaps they would start small with just a few minutes a day practice and then build up to more extensive sessions.
I'm finding it all a little overwhelming and impossible to fit into my life. I guess I'm feeling very tired lately and there are so many other things I need to do like eat well and exercise to keep this pregnancy healthy that it just doesn't slot into an hour of my day.
I want to persevere though. I am not a quitter and I might get that lightbulb moment in a later week and it all suddenly makes sense. I'm not sure it will or if I will ever be at ease with the practice but I'm going to persist.
The only thing keeping me going is knowing I can tailor it exactly to my needs once it is a tool in my armoury cupboard. Perhaps, I can do 10 minutes sessions a few times a day and a longer meditation on the weekends. Maybe I can just tune into my body and zone in on my awareness for a few breaths several times a day. This business of 45-minute meditations just isn't for me!
17th May
There are signs in various places around our house that sore Jesse was a part of our lives.
The room, which was going to be theirs, has a couple pieces of artwork with beautiful sayings on. The mantlepiece in our lounge has candles, 'J's, butterflies and other quotes on.
I always feel close to Jesse, like they are looking over me and keeping an eye out for me. These little shrines just help me feel Jesse is being included and remembered in our lives.
Rebecca phoned me with the results of my blood tests from yesterday.
It turns out they came back really quickly because the labs flagged the results with my Hb being so low.
My creatinine is 112 so that is good for me and the Hb was 77 when the normal range for a woman should be between 118 and 148. They have increased my Adoport (tacro) to 3mg twice a day and my Eprex injections will be 3 times a week. Finding a different part of my thigh to inject to is going to be interesting...
I've also been booked in for an iron infusion, despite my iron stores being good. They think this might encourage my body to make more red blood cells.
So, next Wednesday will be full on.
10am - Iron Infusion in the renal unit
11am - Obstetrics appointment
15:30 - Renal clinic
Hopefully, I have some time for long and perhaps even a little jaunt into town to do some shopping.
Caz will be stocking up tomorrow with foods that should help my anaemia.
They include the following (https://food.ndtv.com/food-drinks/how-to-increase-hemoglobin-7-natural-ways-1620466:
| Food Type | Name |
|---|---|
| Vegetarian | spinach, tofu, asparagus, broccoli, green peas, tomatoes, bell peppers, cauliflower, potatoes, fenugreek leaves, beans, |
| Fruits | Beetroot, pomegranate, watermelon, apple, apricot, oranges, strawberries, papaya, grape fruit, banana, peach, persimmons, mulberries, guava, litchis, kiwi |
| Non vegetarian | Whole egg, chicken liver, oysters, meat, seafood, red lean meat, clams |
| Other foods | dates, almonds, amla, raisins, prunes, pumpkin seeds, dried beans, Nettle, wheat germ, sprouts, peanuts, colocasia leaves, soyabeans, currants, legumes( soya nuts, red kidney beans, chickpeas, black-eyed peas, black beans, lentils, fava beans) starch and grains, brown rice, dark chocolates, whole grains, yogurt, daal , rajma, sesame seeds |
They also recommend you have vitamin C with your iron-rich foods, increase folic acid (green leafy vegetables for example), eat an apple or pomegranate a day, drink nettle tea, avoid caffeine as it can be an iron blocker and exercise.
I heard that endurance exercises are good for promoting more red blood cells because of the need for more oxygen.
So, I went on my turbo trainer while I watched an episode of Reign on Netflix!
I can't say the seat is comfortable, but I got it done!
18th May
It's not just the mother's that struggle with loss and grief, Dad's do too.
They also long for a family, feel the sadness while you are trying to conceive and their partner's period turns up again, they feel the excitement of expecting, they go through every up and down with the mother.
Caz was hesitant when I told him we were pregnant - he didn't want to get his hopes built up only to have them shattered.
He excitedly watched my body changing, rubbed belly butter on me every night, kissed my growing bump.
They have so many hopes and dreams vested in this little growing life and when it was all ripped away from us, he didn't feel he was allowed to grieve. It happened to me, I carried the baby, I'm the one everyone showed concern to and asked after. But Caz was as much of this as I was.
He was allowed to grieve too, in whatever way necessary, and feel such sadness at the things he'd not get a chance to do with our baby.
We helped one another, leant on each other and grew through the sadness and made it back to some form of happiness and normality. It could have broken us but in fact, it just strengthened us.
Tonight, we are going out for dinner as tomorrow it is our 8th wedding anniversary!
We have decided to go for an Indian meal and after recommendations, we went to Meghna in Beaumaris.
We found a parking space literally just outside on the street. We walked through the fairy light lit archway into a courtyard and were welcomed into the restaurant by one of the waiters.
The interior is perhaps a little tired and shabby. We were seated in a booth and the vinyl seating was worn and ripped.
However, the food was amazing. I can see why this place came so highly recommended.
We ordered a stack of popadoms and they came with various dips - a mango chutney, a raita dip, chopped onions and tomatoes with herbs and then a sort of curry paste.
So tasty!
Then Caz had onion bhaji and I went for seabass pakora.
The mains come on a little rack with tealights underneath to keep the sauces warm and the rice came in metal dishes. Caz had butter chicken and I picked vegetable korma. I often suffer from heartburn and so the less tomatoey and more creamy sauce was much better suited to me.
There was so much food!
I must have had literally half my meal left and had to ask the waitress if I could take my leftovers home with me! She packed them away at our table into the little aluminium takeaway tins with cardboard lids. Something to enjoy another day!
19th May
The picture was taken from http://cargocollective.com/catchlove_cre8/G-CD-phobias-brief
I fear blood.
Ever since my miscarriage, where I bled heavily for about 4 days before and 5 days after, I have had a fear of blood.
While my mind was recovering and I was strengthening, I had a period each month. It caused all the thoughts and feelings from the miscarriage to come flooding back. Was this just a period? Perhaps we managed to fertilise an egg but it didn't implant? Should I be mourning something I wasn't even sure had happened?
Now that I am pregnant again after loss, it is full of fear. What if the same thing happens again? Has my baby already died? Is there even a heartbeat?
I have had bleeding on 3 occasions during this pregnancy. Is this the end of the road for this baby? Why is my body making everything so difficult? Why can't I just experience joy and excitement instead of fear and trepidation?
I only know one outcome of pregnancy and that is loss. It is my 100% proven track record and it is hard to muster up confidence and positive towards this pregnancy. It sucks your naivety out of the situation and you just feel horribly realistic and a sense of detachment towards the baby. You love them deeply but you desperately don't want to get hurt again.
My eprex injections have now been upped to 3 times a week. We went to do my injection in my thigh and Walter unexpectedly jumped up at me, scratching down my inner thigh. The pain was considerable! It caused me to have a dull ache and almost numbness in my entire leg, including foot, for a number of hours afterwards.
Lesson learned. We will shut Walter away while we do these treatments in the future!
We were going to go to the Vintage Rally on Mona Showground but because of my bad leg, I didn't think I'd be able to walk far or be able to enjoy much.
I ended up going to bed for a nap, hoping I might wake up with less pain. Caz watched the Royal Wedding while I was tossing and turning struggling to even fall off to sleep.
What a rubbish day for our anniversary. I feel so guilty to have been the reason we weren't able to get out and about and enjoy the day.
We did though go out in the evening.
At Venue Cymru in Llandudno, we saw Ed Byrne.
I was a little apprehensive as even our parents had heard of him and thought 'he is a nice man'. It didn't bode well for a good night of comedy.
We arrived at the theatre and the car park was literally deserted. Where was everyone?
We went inside and normally when something is on the foyer is heaving but there was only a small scattering of people.
The main theatre doors were chained up and so we were really confused as to where it was or even if it was still going ahead.
We ended up following the general flow of people and found it was in a hall in the events side of the building rather than the theatre bit.
This was quite reminiscent as in this hall there used to be MASE. It was where local bands had a platform to perform their music and get word out that they were the next big thing. I seem to remember it was an even for the under 18s. I went twice at most back in the day, it wasn't really my scene. But Caz went quite a number of times and even performed himself in a band once!
We found out that Ed Byrne was in Caernarfon in the Galeri the night before - if we'd have known that would have been ideal is that is so much closer to us than Llandudno!
We will keep an eye on the program there in the future.
Ed turned out to be really good!
The tour was called 'spoiler alert' and was on about our privileged winging!
One of my favourite bits was where he was retelling tales of his little boys. The main bit that got me laughing was where they would be asking for things that were around when he was little himself but he wasn't aware of its existence. "Can I have some elderflower cordial please Daddy?" - He was doubting that they were even his children and how they were like little lord Fauntleroy!
Another was when they went on a holiday or day trip and the kids were told not to touch the electric fence. But when the older boy said he'd already touched one before the younger boy piped up in that he felt he was missing out and really wanted to touch the fence too. It got to the point where Ed was fine, touch it then when the incessant whinging would not stop. But Mummy stepped in and led him to another fence, telling him it was electric, he touched it and felt nothing. It wasn't electric at all and he has been highly misled and won't have learnt his lesson!
It wouldn't be a current comedy night without a brief mention of politics.
All I will say is that this was featured:
20th May
I did turn to creativity in the worst of my grief. It felt good to have my hands occupied and it didn't give me space to think.
I made quite a few little bits and bobs.
I didn't have a great day. The sun didn't bother to make an appearance although it was still hot and quite humid.
I had been mulling over and over why we were going to the Vintage Rally.
Earlier this year I had wanted to go to the Food, drink and lifestyle festival in Chester but Caz had some excuse. There were other events I really wanted to go to too but come the time it wasn't on the cards for whatever reason.
So I rebelled.
I didn't want to go anymore and I said to Caz that everything I do is for him and everything he does is for him too. We never do anything for me. Yes, he accompanies me to hospital appointments but I want to do something nice too sometimes. I never ask him to go shopping with me, I don't particularly like shopping myself. I just want to enjoy life and make the most of things but something always seems to come along that means we can't go.
I'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment with my health.
If I'm not seeing the midwife, I'm seeing the obstetrician or the renal consultant. If I'm not seeing any other those people then I am going for blood tests and having my medications altered.
I feel so out of control and am really worried if my kidney will hang on long enough. I kind of feel what is the point in having a child if I won't be able to run around with them and enjoy life. I've already burdened Caz with knowing such horrible things like hospitals exist and that there are life-altering treatments. But I don't want our child to be aware of these things. I want them to be young, carefree and naive. I don't want them to know that Mummy is sick or that Mummy can't do these things because she is on dialysis and waiting for someone to come along to donate a new kidney to me. I just want to be happy and healthy. It doesn't feel like much to ask but apparently, it is an impossible ask.
Chances are, my kidney will be fine. But just at the moment, it feels like my life is spiralling down a drain and I'll soon be back to square one of my life seemingly hanging in the balance.
My kidney transplant was a very traumatising part of my life. If I can at all help it, I'd rather not go back there.
We have decided to go for an Indian meal and after recommendations, we went to Meghna in Beaumaris.
We found a parking space literally just outside on the street. We walked through the fairy light lit archway into a courtyard and were welcomed into the restaurant by one of the waiters.
The interior is perhaps a little tired and shabby. We were seated in a booth and the vinyl seating was worn and ripped.
However, the food was amazing. I can see why this place came so highly recommended.
We ordered a stack of popadoms and they came with various dips - a mango chutney, a raita dip, chopped onions and tomatoes with herbs and then a sort of curry paste.
So tasty!
Then Caz had onion bhaji and I went for seabass pakora.
The mains come on a little rack with tealights underneath to keep the sauces warm and the rice came in metal dishes. Caz had butter chicken and I picked vegetable korma. I often suffer from heartburn and so the less tomatoey and more creamy sauce was much better suited to me.
There was so much food!
I must have had literally half my meal left and had to ask the waitress if I could take my leftovers home with me! She packed them away at our table into the little aluminium takeaway tins with cardboard lids. Something to enjoy another day!
19th May
The picture was taken from http://cargocollective.com/catchlove_cre8/G-CD-phobias-brief
I fear blood.
Ever since my miscarriage, where I bled heavily for about 4 days before and 5 days after, I have had a fear of blood.
While my mind was recovering and I was strengthening, I had a period each month. It caused all the thoughts and feelings from the miscarriage to come flooding back. Was this just a period? Perhaps we managed to fertilise an egg but it didn't implant? Should I be mourning something I wasn't even sure had happened?
Now that I am pregnant again after loss, it is full of fear. What if the same thing happens again? Has my baby already died? Is there even a heartbeat?
I have had bleeding on 3 occasions during this pregnancy. Is this the end of the road for this baby? Why is my body making everything so difficult? Why can't I just experience joy and excitement instead of fear and trepidation?
I only know one outcome of pregnancy and that is loss. It is my 100% proven track record and it is hard to muster up confidence and positive towards this pregnancy. It sucks your naivety out of the situation and you just feel horribly realistic and a sense of detachment towards the baby. You love them deeply but you desperately don't want to get hurt again.
My eprex injections have now been upped to 3 times a week. We went to do my injection in my thigh and Walter unexpectedly jumped up at me, scratching down my inner thigh. The pain was considerable! It caused me to have a dull ache and almost numbness in my entire leg, including foot, for a number of hours afterwards.
Lesson learned. We will shut Walter away while we do these treatments in the future!
We were going to go to the Vintage Rally on Mona Showground but because of my bad leg, I didn't think I'd be able to walk far or be able to enjoy much.
I ended up going to bed for a nap, hoping I might wake up with less pain. Caz watched the Royal Wedding while I was tossing and turning struggling to even fall off to sleep.
What a rubbish day for our anniversary. I feel so guilty to have been the reason we weren't able to get out and about and enjoy the day.
We did though go out in the evening.
At Venue Cymru in Llandudno, we saw Ed Byrne.
I was a little apprehensive as even our parents had heard of him and thought 'he is a nice man'. It didn't bode well for a good night of comedy.
We arrived at the theatre and the car park was literally deserted. Where was everyone?
We went inside and normally when something is on the foyer is heaving but there was only a small scattering of people.
The main theatre doors were chained up and so we were really confused as to where it was or even if it was still going ahead.
We ended up following the general flow of people and found it was in a hall in the events side of the building rather than the theatre bit.
This was quite reminiscent as in this hall there used to be MASE. It was where local bands had a platform to perform their music and get word out that they were the next big thing. I seem to remember it was an even for the under 18s. I went twice at most back in the day, it wasn't really my scene. But Caz went quite a number of times and even performed himself in a band once!
We found out that Ed Byrne was in Caernarfon in the Galeri the night before - if we'd have known that would have been ideal is that is so much closer to us than Llandudno!
We will keep an eye on the program there in the future.
Ed turned out to be really good!
The tour was called 'spoiler alert' and was on about our privileged winging!
One of my favourite bits was where he was retelling tales of his little boys. The main bit that got me laughing was where they would be asking for things that were around when he was little himself but he wasn't aware of its existence. "Can I have some elderflower cordial please Daddy?" - He was doubting that they were even his children and how they were like little lord Fauntleroy!
Another was when they went on a holiday or day trip and the kids were told not to touch the electric fence. But when the older boy said he'd already touched one before the younger boy piped up in that he felt he was missing out and really wanted to touch the fence too. It got to the point where Ed was fine, touch it then when the incessant whinging would not stop. But Mummy stepped in and led him to another fence, telling him it was electric, he touched it and felt nothing. It wasn't electric at all and he has been highly misled and won't have learnt his lesson!
It wouldn't be a current comedy night without a brief mention of politics.
All I will say is that this was featured:
20th May
I made quite a few little bits and bobs.
I didn't have a great day. The sun didn't bother to make an appearance although it was still hot and quite humid.
I had been mulling over and over why we were going to the Vintage Rally.
Earlier this year I had wanted to go to the Food, drink and lifestyle festival in Chester but Caz had some excuse. There were other events I really wanted to go to too but come the time it wasn't on the cards for whatever reason.
So I rebelled.
I didn't want to go anymore and I said to Caz that everything I do is for him and everything he does is for him too. We never do anything for me. Yes, he accompanies me to hospital appointments but I want to do something nice too sometimes. I never ask him to go shopping with me, I don't particularly like shopping myself. I just want to enjoy life and make the most of things but something always seems to come along that means we can't go.
I'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment with my health.
If I'm not seeing the midwife, I'm seeing the obstetrician or the renal consultant. If I'm not seeing any other those people then I am going for blood tests and having my medications altered.
I feel so out of control and am really worried if my kidney will hang on long enough. I kind of feel what is the point in having a child if I won't be able to run around with them and enjoy life. I've already burdened Caz with knowing such horrible things like hospitals exist and that there are life-altering treatments. But I don't want our child to be aware of these things. I want them to be young, carefree and naive. I don't want them to know that Mummy is sick or that Mummy can't do these things because she is on dialysis and waiting for someone to come along to donate a new kidney to me. I just want to be happy and healthy. It doesn't feel like much to ask but apparently, it is an impossible ask.
Chances are, my kidney will be fine. But just at the moment, it feels like my life is spiralling down a drain and I'll soon be back to square one of my life seemingly hanging in the balance.
My kidney transplant was a very traumatising part of my life. If I can at all help it, I'd rather not go back there.
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