Week 6

12th March
How can you feel so excited and so nervous all at the same time?
I'm trying to find ways in which this pregnancy is different to my last. At least then I can know that it will progress further than it did the first time around.

This article made my worries feel valid, and in a way, it has calmed my mind a little:
https://www.babycenter.com/0_staying-positive-when-youre-pregnant-again-after-a-loss_9181.bc

I'm feeling quite uncomfortable.
I'm wearing smart trousers and a shirt to work but the trousers are really pulling around the waistband.
I don't know if that is because I'm quite bloated or if I am showing earlier because of a previous pregnancy and because my abdominal muscles are quite slack due to having a couple previous surgeries in that area.

I've been advised to just walk at least during the first trimester, but I felt that wouldn't quite be enough. So I have registered for a pregnancy trainer programme by Natalie Hodson: https://pregnancy.nataliehodson.com/pregnancy-trainer-1 with segments for each trimester, including the first few months post birth.
It looks quite coherent and with a lot of information, nutritional details, hints and tips and workouts.
I'm looking forward to reading through that tonight and starting, gently, on my journey from tomorrow!

13th March
I'm already stressing about tomorrow's yoga session at work. What excuse can I use this time?!
Turns out quite a few aren't doing yoga so I just look on trend with not taking part!

I had to let HSE know that I am expecting after I had to wheedle my way out of pushing a trolley and carrying a box at work.
These have done a new display screen equipment assessment to make sure my chair is right for me now. Last time I was given a footrest and I still have this available.
They will also do a risk assessment with the do's and don'ts during this time. It is reassuring that they are being more cautious this time and taking me seriously in the fact that I want to do everything in my power to not have to go through a miscarriage again.

It was a lovely sunny evening so Caz and I went out for a stroll.

14th March
The HSE manager created the risk assessment documents and I am quite surprised how little I can actually do now!
I 'm not allowed in the warehouse, I can be the port of call for couriers and goods inwards but I can't go to reception to collect anything from them but send a colleague for me, I can't do any manual handling or even push the flatbed trolley (apparently I would be exerting 20kg of power just to move an empty trolley), I can't use a barcode printer as it is too loud and risky for me and my baby... Pretty much everything has been covered!

When I got home I dug out an old Xbox 360 game and used the Kinect system! It is called Leela and is by Deepak Chopra. He does a lot of mindfulness stuff and Oprah loves what he does. Well, it gets you doing small movements to coordinate with your various chakras and mini-games to play. It was quite relaxing really in an active mindful movement kind of way.

Caz and I had a bubble bath before bed! So warming and relaxing. I think this will become a regular thing for us now during this pregnancy. My body generally aches and feels so tired so a recuperating bath is more than welcome!

15th March
It has been quite a productive day on the baby Moomin front!
The midwife team phoned me and I have been assigned to a midwife called Brenda. She is currently off and so they are filling her appointment calendar for her return. So I just have to wait until Tuesday morning (5 days from now) to see her and have my booking in appointment. I'm excited but also really nervous. I will tell her how I have been feeling and my worries so hopefully she might be able to quell my thoughts.

I also heard back about a Mindfulness course at Bangor University.
I had been booked on to a previous round of this course but the instructor advised I cancel at the time as this was about a month on from my miscarriage. Apparently, mindfulness can bring up any emotions you have tried to seal away and forget about so can be a very draining process. It can be better to grieve and then begin on a mindfulness course when you are feeling more your 'new you'.
The course starts on the 18th of April. I've let the instructor know I'm pregnant again and she seems happy with this and says we can just modify positions.

I also had a phone call from the renal unit. The transplant nurse wanted to congratulate Caz and me for our news! She also passed on congratulations from my consultant. She would like me to go for blood tests next Wednesday just to check up on everything and make sure my kidney is still okay now I'm in the early throes of pregnancy.

To celebrate everything falling into place we decided to get a Chinese takeaway! Kind prawn skewers in satay sauce, egg fried rice and then tofu and vegetables in a Chinese sauce but I got a side of sweet and sour sauce too for added flavour and oomph. Yum!

16th March
It was a busy but steady day at work. The bonus of having a Chinese takeaway last night was that I had leftovers today! Yum!
I am feeling so exhausted at the moment but I guess growing a baby business is tiring!

17th March
We plan on quite a nice and relaxing weekend.

After popping out to the Farm and Pet place to get Walter some more food we went over to Aldi to look at the specials. When we came out of there big fat flakes of snow were falling down. So we went back home to the warmth!

The snow didn't really come to anything so Caz went out in the garden to dig a trench for hedging to do down. We will be putting native hedging (dog rose, hawthorn, etc.) around the orchard part of the garden. It will add some produce to the garden that I can pick and the wildlife will love it.

I'm starting to really struggle to sleep. I spend all day struggling with feeling like I have zero fuel left in the tank and as soon as I get to bed I am wide awake. So unfair!
So to match up with this inability to sleep, I've decided to read Stephen King's 'Insomnia'. Feels about right!

18th March
Well, we woke up to a slightly wintry wonderland!
Today will mostly consist of sitting by the log burner and chilling out.

I'm really getting into that Stephen King novel. It is interesting how the human psyche can change when one element of life is changed, ie take away the ability to sleep.

We caught up with the Formula E qualifying and race from Uruguay. Quite a good and thrilling race! I'm quite hooked on Formula E now and it at least fills the usually non-motorsport season of Winter.

I think Caz might be having some morning sickness too. He has been complaining of feeling quite sick between meals, just like I  have!
I've also been having headaches thrown into the mix too.
I am starting to wonder if my craving is crunchy food. I have bought mints from the shops to crunch on, have been having ice lollies to crunch, I wanted vegetarian 'chicken' nuggets as they have a crunch coating... What does craving 'crunchy' mean?!

Usually, on a Sunday we would typically have a roast dinner. Not this week. Neither of us fancied that so we had a green vegetable pasta bake. Full of nutrients!

Week 5

5th March

I'm already starting to notice a few small symptoms. I have had heartburn which, I've got some wind(!), a little dizziness is cropping up and I am needing to go for a wee much more often.

6th March

I phoned my GP to get a referral to the community midwife. The receptionist fielded my call and told me to call back when I'm 8 weeks. I explained that I had a previous loss and would like to have an early scan to reassure myself. She said she would put me on the midwife's callback list but surprise surprise, I haven't heard anything from her at all.

There really needs to be more knowledge and information for health professionals about loss. I had an infection straight after my miscarriage and struggled so much with my mental health. Even just one follow up call or letter asking if I was doing okay or needed any help would have been all that was needed. But instead, you are just abandoned and left to fend for yourself. I really don't know how I survived. It was awful, still is some days, but you muddle through somehow.

7th March

Steve at work asked Sam if she knew if I was expecting as I look "that way". Sam said she didn't know.

On Wednesday's I usually go to a yoga class held at work during lunchtime. I spoke to the instructor and she felt with everything considered that it would be best if I held off on doing anything but walking until around week 14.

I won't be able to keep it from my colleagues for much longer. I reckon they are already placing bets as to whether I'm pregnant or not! They much have guessed!

I had a dental checkup and hygienist appointment. It was the first time I was able to tick the 'pregnant' box on a form and it felt good!

8th March

Knowing I'm going to get no help from the NHS, I have been looking into private ultrasound clinics.

Annoyingly, there don't seem to be any in North Wales at all.

I've found a few around Cheshire, Liverpool and Manchester areas and so have contacted a few to see their availability.

I broke the news to my manager today and have told 2 close friends as well.

Everyone has been so pleased for us and genuinely happy!

I will keep it a secret from everyone else until we have a scan in our hands. Then we will announce to immediate colleagues, friends and family. But even then we will keep quiet from officially announcing anything until we've passed that 12-week mark. That is considered the safe time to let people know. I'm aware even then problems can arise, but I've got to keep hopeful.

Caz has booked us a little trip away at the end of the month!

It is an early birthday treat for him and now also celebrating the pregnancy! We are going away for 3 nights in the Peak District. We have been to this hotel before and found it lovely and they had a winter warmer offer so we wanted to make the most of it.

It just so happens that one of the ultrasound places, Diagnostic Healthcare, got back to me and said they have a slot available for an early pregnancy viability and reassurance scan on the 27th of March in their Stockport clinic. 

This falls when we are away and so works out as only 45 minutes away from the hotel.

We are so excited that we will get to see our Baby Moomin and potentially see their heartbeat. But that doesn't take away all the fear and nervousness we have too.

I hear some people have been to their early scan only to go for their dating scan to see no heartbeat.

Part of me does see this is fate.

This pregnancy happened around the 6-month mark after our miscarriage and so still within the most fertile time for me. Also with my period having been scheduled for Jesse's due date does feel like a sign from our Angel Baby that everything will be okay.

Keeping my fingers firmly crossed...

9th March

Today is a celebration of 4 events!

A week ago we had to cancel a celebratory meal for the 7th anniversary of my kidney transplant because of the snow and gales.

Today is also a cause for celebration for my Mum's birthday, Mother's day and being pregnant!

We went out for a lovely meal at a local restaurant and had a wonderful time.

My parents gave us a little gift. A mug for Caz with cats on and filled with mini eggs, a unicorn mug for me filled with mini eggs and beautifully perfect mini rainbow earrings! 

This all came in rainbow and unicorn wrapping paper and gift bag!

10th March

We have started up doing weekly pregnancy photos to mark the growth and changes.

They will look so cute and hopeful.

We are stood in what will be Baby Moomin's nursery. Caz and I will stand side by side and we will see the development between us.

I really am quite hopeful for this baby but my emotions are very up and down. 

I will be thinking about kitting out their nursery with furniture from Ikea and buying flashcards to help their development but then in the next train of thought, I will be thinking of neutral names in case the worst happens before we find out the gender.

Like I've said, we will just have to try and stay positive. Hopefully, that is the best way forward.

11th March

Mother's Day is a little different to how I was anticipating it.

I thought it would be a time for reflection and tears with no one acknowledging me as a Mother because my baby died. I'm still very much a Mum, I just hold my baby in my heart and not my arms.

I received a heart-wrenching note from Jesse and a Mother's Day card from Bump!

Caz and I made the most of the morning sunshine and went for a walk to get me moving.

But now, I have a tiny bump! 

I have a baby on the way. 

It is in the very early days of pregnancy but I'm cautiously hopeful.

Little plus signs

After my period still hadn't arrived by the 5th of March I knew I should test again.

PREGNANT!!!

So so nervous and scared but very happy and hopeful too!

We are keeping the news a little more secret this time.

Last time, we announced to our parents with little goody bags and a card.
In the bag, there was a baby grow, socks, pacifiers, bibs and other little bits and bobs for the baby. We put a note in asking "please look after this until I'm here".

We are very torn as we don't want to upset and disappoint family again. You grow incredibly close to this little life from so early on. But we also knew that our parents would want to know so that they can support us and they can share in the development too.

We did just a quick message to both sides of the family with this:

I know we will have to tell my immediate colleagues too. I do a fair bit of manual handling and so will need their help with moving boxes of data around and so they don't just think I'm lazy!

Trying to Conceive a Rainbow

With the start of the New Year, we wanted to put our efforts back into trying to conceive our baby.
For the previous few months, we were just deep in grief and unable to even think about trying again; it was too soon. But now, we feel a little stronger, a little happier and with a new sense of hope, we wanted to give it a go.
This time, we would be trying for our rainbow baby.

January - I've been on pregnancy vitamins since we knew we were expecting Jesse. I haven't been drinking any alcohol, I've been sticking to a healthy diet with minimal caffeine and exercising when I can too. I've even been drinking mother kind pregnancy tea in the hope that it will balance out my body and get it more prepared to conceive and carry a baby.
It is now down to nature!
Unfortunately, there was no positive this month. So back to trying again for next month. I do feel a sense of time running out as I remember hearing that you are more fertile in the 6 months after a miscarriage.

February - With Jesse's due date looming I've felt my emotions have been all over the place. I'm not feeling particularly hopeful with how sad and low I have been.
Do you know how cruel Mother Nature is? My period is due on Jesse's due date. How horrible is that? You wouldn't wish that on anyone.
But the 28th of February arrived and my period didn't come. I held back a few days as it could be likely I was just late due to the stress and sadness I'd been feeling.
I did a pregnancy test on the 1st of March - Not pregnant.

I wasn't convinced so I went to Tesco on my lunch break and got some more tests.

One looks a faint line and the others you can't see much on.

What does it all mean!

Sam at work said I looked really well.
Emma at work mentioned my hair looked in really good condition.
Still no period.
Was this a sign?