Week 5

5th March

I'm already starting to notice a few small symptoms. I have had heartburn which, I've got some wind(!), a little dizziness is cropping up and I am needing to go for a wee much more often.

6th March

I phoned my GP to get a referral to the community midwife. The receptionist fielded my call and told me to call back when I'm 8 weeks. I explained that I had a previous loss and would like to have an early scan to reassure myself. She said she would put me on the midwife's callback list but surprise surprise, I haven't heard anything from her at all.

There really needs to be more knowledge and information for health professionals about loss. I had an infection straight after my miscarriage and struggled so much with my mental health. Even just one follow up call or letter asking if I was doing okay or needed any help would have been all that was needed. But instead, you are just abandoned and left to fend for yourself. I really don't know how I survived. It was awful, still is some days, but you muddle through somehow.

7th March

Steve at work asked Sam if she knew if I was expecting as I look "that way". Sam said she didn't know.

On Wednesday's I usually go to a yoga class held at work during lunchtime. I spoke to the instructor and she felt with everything considered that it would be best if I held off on doing anything but walking until around week 14.

I won't be able to keep it from my colleagues for much longer. I reckon they are already placing bets as to whether I'm pregnant or not! They much have guessed!

I had a dental checkup and hygienist appointment. It was the first time I was able to tick the 'pregnant' box on a form and it felt good!

8th March

Knowing I'm going to get no help from the NHS, I have been looking into private ultrasound clinics.

Annoyingly, there don't seem to be any in North Wales at all.

I've found a few around Cheshire, Liverpool and Manchester areas and so have contacted a few to see their availability.

I broke the news to my manager today and have told 2 close friends as well.

Everyone has been so pleased for us and genuinely happy!

I will keep it a secret from everyone else until we have a scan in our hands. Then we will announce to immediate colleagues, friends and family. But even then we will keep quiet from officially announcing anything until we've passed that 12-week mark. That is considered the safe time to let people know. I'm aware even then problems can arise, but I've got to keep hopeful.

Caz has booked us a little trip away at the end of the month!

It is an early birthday treat for him and now also celebrating the pregnancy! We are going away for 3 nights in the Peak District. We have been to this hotel before and found it lovely and they had a winter warmer offer so we wanted to make the most of it.

It just so happens that one of the ultrasound places, Diagnostic Healthcare, got back to me and said they have a slot available for an early pregnancy viability and reassurance scan on the 27th of March in their Stockport clinic. 

This falls when we are away and so works out as only 45 minutes away from the hotel.

We are so excited that we will get to see our Baby Moomin and potentially see their heartbeat. But that doesn't take away all the fear and nervousness we have too.

I hear some people have been to their early scan only to go for their dating scan to see no heartbeat.

Part of me does see this is fate.

This pregnancy happened around the 6-month mark after our miscarriage and so still within the most fertile time for me. Also with my period having been scheduled for Jesse's due date does feel like a sign from our Angel Baby that everything will be okay.

Keeping my fingers firmly crossed...

9th March

Today is a celebration of 4 events!

A week ago we had to cancel a celebratory meal for the 7th anniversary of my kidney transplant because of the snow and gales.

Today is also a cause for celebration for my Mum's birthday, Mother's day and being pregnant!

We went out for a lovely meal at a local restaurant and had a wonderful time.

My parents gave us a little gift. A mug for Caz with cats on and filled with mini eggs, a unicorn mug for me filled with mini eggs and beautifully perfect mini rainbow earrings! 

This all came in rainbow and unicorn wrapping paper and gift bag!

10th March

We have started up doing weekly pregnancy photos to mark the growth and changes.

They will look so cute and hopeful.

We are stood in what will be Baby Moomin's nursery. Caz and I will stand side by side and we will see the development between us.

I really am quite hopeful for this baby but my emotions are very up and down. 

I will be thinking about kitting out their nursery with furniture from Ikea and buying flashcards to help their development but then in the next train of thought, I will be thinking of neutral names in case the worst happens before we find out the gender.

Like I've said, we will just have to try and stay positive. Hopefully, that is the best way forward.

11th March

Mother's Day is a little different to how I was anticipating it.

I thought it would be a time for reflection and tears with no one acknowledging me as a Mother because my baby died. I'm still very much a Mum, I just hold my baby in my heart and not my arms.

I received a heart-wrenching note from Jesse and a Mother's Day card from Bump!

Caz and I made the most of the morning sunshine and went for a walk to get me moving.

But now, I have a tiny bump! 

I have a baby on the way. 

It is in the very early days of pregnancy but I'm cautiously hopeful.