Week 24

I apologise for some of my language, but I'm feeling super stressed of late and am really not coping.

23rd July

I was dreading about coming into work today if the network was still down. I just can't handle the not doing any more! I like to be productive, no matter how basic a task I end up doing. I strongly believe that keeping busy makes the time fly so much quicker. I don't like to slack and I guess I must enjoy being proactive a lot of the time. There is always something to be done. I've been finding it harder to just sit down and chill in recent months. There is so much to prepare for and I want to make the house as perfect as possible for my little girl to come into.
Luckily enough, the network was back up - for me at least. A lot of people still couldn't get on to the drives but I could work so I didn't care.

I had some puff pastry to use up that I had taken out of the freezer yesterday. I decided to make a big tart-like thing.
After cutting the pastry sheet into a big square I folded the edges up so it was pie-like.
I whisked 2 eggs up and grated a load of cheese into the mixture. This was poured over the pie base and then I sprinkled on some mixed frozen vegetables - sweetcorn and peas. I also cut up some veggie bacon into strips and threw them on top too and sprayed it all with low-calorie cooking spray to make sure nothing burnt. I used the excess pastry to lay a few rows, diagonally across the top to make it look a little nicer and used a fork to crimp the edges a little.
I have to say, it was really rather nice!

I also finally built up energy and had some free time to do my second strength training session. It feels so good to workout.
As before, my warmup was doing one set of the exercises with no weight and afterwards, I found a quick cool down.

I would like to work out more often, but I'm really trying to listen to my body and there are evenings when I'm too tired to do anything, even walking. So I know I shouldn't push myself too far. I have been reminded to rest during this time, so I need to take heed of their advice and when I'm tired I need to just relax.

24th July

Caz fancied a pizza for dinner, so we plumped for Dominoes.
I spotted a proper Italian style garlic bread and not just the 'garlic pizza bread' and it was a thousand times nicer.
I chose to go with the Italian base, BBQ sauce and added pineapple on top along with the veggie feast that I usually go for.
I somehow managed to, mid-dinner, bite my tongue and it was quite painful. Caz was asking what was wrong and I was just trying to gesture that I'd bitten my tongue but it was okay. Once I was able to speak I just said it was fine. He thought I was 'having a go' and so snapped back at me.
I honestly, hand on heart, was just saying it was 'fine' as that is what it was.
That completely ruined dinner and I ended up leaving the rest of the slices as leftovers for tomorrow and decided to go off and do something productive.

The something productive was to make a start on sewing the squares of fabric I had cut out a few days ago into rows.
You place two squares face to face, sew down one side with a 1/4" seam allowance and then carry on with the next square on the opposite edge, again face to face.
I ended up with a row of 6 squares joined together.
I carried on sewing until I was too tired and had completed 3 rows. I'll continue another night.

Caz and I then reconvened and sorted out our difference and took the long overdue weekly pregnancy photos.

25th July

I am feeling so low. This week feels so super long.

I don't know if I'm already getting used to and appreciating having a Wednesday off to split the week up, but this week as I had no appointments I decided to leave my day off until the Friday. 

The week is really dragging and I'm really struggling.

I just feel so broken. 

Our relationship is starting to feel very fragile. 

I find it ironic that you can go through a life-saving surgery like a kidney transplant and be supported through that and that you can then go on to lose a baby and yet your relationship is stronger than ever. But when you finally get towards that 'happy ending' it all turns to dust. 

We are bickering so often now. I expected to be way more argumentative with being hormonal but to be fair, I've been pretty level headed and it has often been Caz who has lost the plot with me because he is 'fed up' with all the pain he is going through with his groin injury.

That isn't my fault. I have been doing everything I can - bring him drinks, make dinner, get him anything that might help from hot compresses and pain relief. But still, I end up being the one he loses the plot with.

I just am starting to really tire of this environment.

I just couldn't focus on work and felt so tearful so I had to book a half day off. 

Walter was there to comfort me.

I mostly watched a tonne of Netflix, mainly Reign. It was really quite cathartic and I felt a lot better afterwards.

I even took a photo of the changing table/drawers unit that Caz put together the other day.
It looks really good and I like the changing mat we were given by Caz's colleague, Marc.

In the evening, once Caz had returned from work, we had a good chat.
Communication is really key. He assumes so much of me; clearly thinks quite little of me at times. He believes I am annoyed at a lot of things, or will be, and so goes on the defensive. But I hardly ever am and with Caz, I would tell him anyway.
He is going to try and walk away or bite his tongue if he starts to notice that he is getting fed up in an attempt to not take things out on me.
I think it shook him up when I said I wouldn't feel able to leave our child in his care with how volatile he is. I know he would never hurt me or them, but just being scared is enough in my book to warrant withdrawal of rights and privileges. So he needs to control how he feels.

We then went on to do a hypnobirthing session with lots of affirmation quotes and then we spent the rest of the evening just browsing YouTube and listening to songs that we remembered from years ago and found some weird mashups of different songs. My favourite of these was a Coldplay vs System of a Down. It somehow just works!

26th July

My day started well.
I'd made a prawn mayonnaise flatbread and sorted some snacks for work but it was only when I checked my bag at snack time that I realised my lunch had been left on the counter in the kitchen at home.
How annoying! I was actually really looking forward to it.

I had some healthy snacks though, including these amazing cherries. I forgot how nice cherries are. They were so sweet and juicy!

Then on my lunch break, I had to go to Tesco to buy something. But I didn't want any old something. I definitely didn't want a replacement sandwich as it just wouldn't have compared in the slightest to the flatbread I had been thinking about.

So I bought something a bit different.

Honey smoked flaked salmon

Chargrilled squid rings

Prawn mayonnaise

Blinis

Iced Coffe

Apple and watermelon 10 calorie jelly

Amazing. 

Beautiful food! 

I didn't eat it all. Well, most of it but I kept half of the blinis and salmon for later.

In the evening, while I watched more Reign, I decided to make myself a healthy pudding to make up for the sheer amount of protein I'd scoffed.

I blended some frozen fruit - banana, blueberries and strawberries - with a little apple juice into a thick smoothie that I served in a bowl. 

Really refreshingly cold and healthy!

In just 20 days time it will be a year since I lost Jesse.
It is an anniversary I never wanted to crop up.
I am dreading the date.
It was all counting how long since I lost my Jesse and now it has switched to counting how long to go until what should be their first birthday. I should be buying and wrapping presents, making a cake, but instead, I feel I should be doing something in remembrance for them on the date.

I, unfortunately, have an ultrasound on this anniversary to check this baby girl's measurements. I had an ultrasound a year ago to confirm my baby was gone. It just feels like groundhog day happening again.

I know the loss affected other family members too but I am torn about having a gathering. I don't want it too sombre as I just can't deal with the emotion. I don't want something too cheerful as it doesn't feel like the mark of respect Jesse deserves.
But I think we'd rather do something nice. Create memories. Maybe not a meal or anything too jovial but something. In the future, we talked that we might have this anniversary be when we go on our summer holidays. Then Jesse can live through their little sister. Experience life that way. We can take the remembrance teddy along to places for Jesse and the family that donated a teddy in their baby's name.

One thing I do like though is that this year Jesse's remembrance planter is looking particularly vibrant and full of life.
I feel this is maybe them looking out for their little sister and letting us know that everything will be okay and that brighter days lie ahead.

27th July

I have today off work. It feels long overdue.

I am going shopping this morning and this afternoon there is an event on at work. I'll at least show my face at that.

The weather is so deceptive! It looks grim but it is so so hot and humid. It is disgustingly close and really draining.

I went to Primark and filled a basket there.
I bought a couple sets of pyjamas and a lightweight dressing gown, some trainer footsies (mini socks), some full briefs and then was dragged in by some baby outfits and some muslin squares.
Most of this will be destined for my hospital bag. It is planned out with what I will need in it. At least with some cheap pyjamas and pants I won't feel bad about them getting covered in blood, amniotic fluid, baby sick or whatever else happens to end up on me.

I popped into a couple of other shops along the way, Monsoon/Accessorise, River Island and then Debenhams. But nothing else really inspired me.
I know I'll need a bigger handbag for after the birth as my current one is almost too small for now. I will have so many other extra bits and pieces to take around with me that just don't really belong in the changing bag.
I love the idea of a satchel style bag, but I haven't seen on I like the look of yet...

In Debenhams, I had to stop for a cold drink and some cake to cool down and replenish me.
I initially planned on having a coffee, but with this heat, I would have passed out somewhere!
I went for a strawberry lemonade and a lemon and raspberry traybake cake. Both very fruity and yummy!

After here I drove up to the top of town to go to Peacocks.
I managed to park in the weird middle bit near Wetherspoons. I couldn't see any signs saying how long you could stop there, but I guessed it might be the same as the bays on the side of the road - 90 minutes and no return for 60.

I wanted to find a suitable pair of slippers to take to hospital - one that fully encompassed my foot and not just a mule thing and also that had a solid, non-slip base.
Success. I didn't feel I could only spend £5 so I ended up buying another pair of pyjamas!

I arrived at work in the TYC location in Llanrhos and parked up for the company picnic.
I found some people from my office quite quickly so mingled with them until Caz arrived.

There was quite a lot going on to be fair.

Commando X Fit Wales were there - the main guy is a former Royal Marine who now does these fitness experiences that are great for team building and events.
These are the photos from the company picnic that these guys took.

There was also a big buffet hosted by the canteen contractor firm, a candy bar, face painting, a laser quest, inflatables for the kids to have fun on, a geology and geophysics zone, hoopla, splat a rat and a surf simulator along with the huge commando inflatable course.

I do feel a little like there wasn't all that much for a pregnant person to do other than eat and spectate, but you can't please everyone all the time.

There were a few moments I found quite difficult and Caz seemed to pick up on this too.
We both find events where there are babies and children quite a struggle now. It really highlights what we don't have now since Jesse died.

The most difficult moment was when I spotted that Mike, a colleague, and his fiance were there with their baby. This little girl was due a week to a fortnight before Jesse was due. I don't have hard feelings towards him or his family, but it is difficult. I know his little girl is the same age as what Jesse should be. Only my baby is gone and buried in our garden. You should never have to bury your child.
One of my other colleagues had gone over to see his baby and then came back and said "Nikki, that baby is 5 and a half months old", "oh, that's nice". I was well aware of this fact. Hyper-aware.
But you can't say it is because your child would have been the same age. You have to just keep that to yourself as it is too 'awkward' for others to hear.

I'm also fed up with people asking me if this is my first and if I'm looking forward to becoming a mother. These comments come from people who know I lost a baby. I'm pretty sure I became a mother when I gave birth in my bathroom almost a year ago.
I hate how I'm invisible as a mother to everyone else.

In the evening I decided to treat myself with a sweet I had found in Tesco which I hadn't see before.
A green apple sour dip dab. Amazing! It was definitely the pick me up I needed after the hard event we attended.

I'm also quite proud of the book collection I'm starting to amass.
The majority of these books are either passed down on to me or picked up in charity shops.
I love how you can see that my style of novel is changing. One row is self-help stuff, the next deeper and darker novels and then the less vacant of the chick lit books. I'm growing further and further away from these trashy, uneducated, poorly constructed chick lit books and finding myself drawn towards much more eloquent and thought-provoking novels. That is just how people grow and change. I'm going more into my head and others maybe want more of an easy read where they can switch off. I like to be engaged and left filling in the gaps and left wondering. It gives more intrigue to life that way.

28th July


I had a busy and productive morning sewing! I think I am getting quite into this now!

I sewed the remaining squares into rows and then dug out the iron and ironing board (hardly ever used) and gave all the seams a press. They suggested getting all the seams to lay in one direction. Then it should be neater to sew one row to the next.

I then took the plunge and sewed it all together!

Even if I do say so myself, it looks bloody good!

This is literally the first time I've done this. Perhaps the fourth time I've even used the sewing machine.

The first time I played around with a piece of cotton material, did some stitches, cut bits off and attempted to sew it all back together again.

The second time I made a mobile phone pouch from some discarded fabric from our old canvas wardrobe.

The third time I started and never finished a table runner and placemat set.

So, for this to be the fourth time I've used the machine to do such an elaborate project (in my eyes anyway) is doing pretty damn well.

I feel quite proud!

Next step is to cut the backing fabric to size and sew that on to this front patchwork piece, leaving a small gap to be able to turn it all the right way around again. I'm then going to stuff it with wadding because I want the blanket to be warm as we live in the UK. You secure that wadding with some embroidery knots in a few places and then finally top stitch it to finish it off.

Because I was in a flow, I decided to look through some beads I had to make some new jewellery.

I found 7 big pink beads that were crying out to be made into a bracelet. 

I have a t-bar closure and some slightly elasticated clear thread that I will use with it.

The split rings I have are impossible. They are like tiny keyring bits in that you have to pry them open and hope you can thread the other parts into it. The only thing is the t-bar is really quite a thick gauge so that isn't going to work.

I've ordered some proper split rings online. They will take a good while to get here, but this is my progress so far.

As I hate not accomplishing something, I rummaged through and found 3 matching black, white and purple beads. 

I think they will make a great earring and necklace set.

The earrings are now complete after threading through a post segment. I curled the top of the post into a closed loop and threaded a split ring on to it to put the hook earring finder on.

I've realised I don't have any chain to create a necklace accompaniment and so I have ordered that too and will complete it when I receive them.

I've been wearing the earrings already though and am quite chuffed with how they look.

Caz and I had another bicker today.
We were all set to go out for a walk during a gap in the rain showers and then Caz's Mum phoned. I'd recently made the ill decision to let her know about Caz's groin injury she was like the Spanish Inquisition. Luckily, Caz answered.

They have just got back from a 2-week break in France and so was partly letting him know they were back safe but were also "Have you tried this?", "Have you tried that?", "when I had such and such I used this pill."

I could see Caz was a bit aggravated by the call and he rolled his eyes at me. I told him to say "Do you think we haven't tried all avenues?" but then he missed something his Mum said and said "sorry". So I walked off, I know when I'm being a nuisance.

I really felt my back had been put out by her call. Firstly, he never got around to telling her about his injury, it was me feeling she had a right to know. If he had wanted her to know then he would have told her. But it came second hand through me, rightly or wrongly.
Secondly, does she literally think we haven't tried everything? We've been to the GP, ended up in a surgical assessment ward, had x-rays, been back to the GP, been referred for an ultrasound scan, had the ultrasound scan rejected as they only scan for a hernia if there is an obvious lump... We have been to physio, we have taken ibuprofen but you can't take that long-term nor should you have to. We still don't yet have a proper diagnosis so who is to know that what she is advising won't actually damage him more and hinder any small progress he might have experienced. Without knowing what you are dealing with there isn't much you can do, only limited coping mechanisms to be fair.

It kind of brought back a lot of things for me.
I remember when Caz had been suffering from a chest tightness which he thought was related to his heart (it was anxiety and panic attacks). I'd taken him to the GP but I stayed in the waiting room and the doctor thought it could be an infection of one of his chest muscles. Then the next day, he was off work and his Mum went around.
She took him to the GP and went in with him.
I found out about this and asked him about it. He lied to my face.
Him lying was worse than her taking over and going in with him.
On a follow up I went to the surgery with him, but again stayed in the waiting room.
I literally serve no role or purpose in his life.
I won't ever be anything in the eyes of his Mum.

When we married, my parents did a speech to hand me over to Caz that they understood their time by looking after me and being in my charge had come to an end.
His Mum never seems to have accepted that I've stepped in and that Caz confides in me.
The level of what I know about him is tenfold on that of what she knows about him now. He turns to me when he is in need. But she still seemingly elbows me out of the way.
I understand you'll always be a mother but there is a point where you have to back off and realise that someone else is there now to take control of the situation.

I felt he was so dismissive of me.
At no point during this phone call did he say that I made suggestions to see the bloody GP in the first place or suggested that perhaps physio and exercise might be the key to recovery. I've also been able to apply suggestions from running injuries with RICE - rest, ice, compression and elevation.
But there was no Nikki has it all in hand and actually, we don't know what the issue is definitively and so don't want to do more harm than good. Thank you for your advice, but no thank you. If I need your advice I'll seek it.
I've also realised that at no time has he thanked me for putting up with his frustrations and everything. I've done so much when I could do so little for myself. I'm tired, chronically ill and pregnant.

29th July

Today started with such good intentions.
We got up, I showered, we had a cup of tea and ate breakfast. We planned to pop to the shops because Walter needed some worming treatment and we'd used the last of his flea ointment.
We went to Pets at Home and when we arrived at the shopping complex, I suggested it might be nice to visit TK Maxx too.
We went there first. I wanted to see if they had any travel sized bottles of bath things so I could put them in my hospital bag. Caz then asked about baby things and so I took him upstairs.
Very quickly he started to feel in pain. Before, his groin pain was only on activity - moving something, lifting, doing. Walking seems to be unaffected. But today, standing was the trigger.
He had to leave the store and go and sit in the car.

I ended up buying a GroBag, Tommee Tippee bottle starter set, some dribble bibs and a duo of tweezers.

GroBag sells sleeping bags for babies, toddlers and small children. It is the safest, approved way to sleep babies. They are contained within the bag and so quilts and any extra bumf isn't needed so these won't ride up and go over baby's face causing them to suffer from SIDS.

I managed to get the pink bottle starter set from Tommee Tippee. It is the one I had been wanting but everywhere else it was full price at 30 odd pounds.
Bargain!

On the way home, there was an incident.
Going from the mainland to Anglesey you go down to one lane to drive over the Britannia Bridge.
Often, typically in the rush hour, people drive like their arses are on fire. They push and shove and cut their way in really uncharacteristically (I hope) rude.
Today, there was one persistent knobhead in a Kia Sportage who kept driving, without pulling in to the remaining lane, way beyond the right lane is going to close warning sign 1, warning sign 2 and they continued alongside us even though we let in 2 other vehicles. They literally were going to run us off the road. They were inches from us. Cutting in. Neglecting any manners. No indicating, no looking at us to see that we noticed them. Just shoving.
Caz had to swerve to stop them hitting us.
What I don't get is why they think this is acceptable? It saves you, what? 2 seconds? Does it really make that much of an impact on your journey length to be worth scaring other road users?

I wasn't going to take it lying down. I might have been the passenger but I wasn't going to take no shit from anyone.
I slammed my hand down on the horn. I flashed the lights. I shouted. I gesticulated wildly at them.

I have lost one baby. They think it is okay to ram someone off the road to save a few seconds and risk them having an impact that could cause the casualty to lose everything.
I have tried so hard to get to this position of being pregnant again. I'm not letting some arse take that away from me.
If they had stopped their car I would have got out and properly fought them. This baby is worth doing anything I can to protect them. If you had a child in the car you would have done the same. Fight within an inch of your life to save theirs.

I hope this individual rots in hell.

Caz couldn't cope with the stress of it all and started to have a panic attack.
I told him he had to pull into a carpark after the slip road to regain his composure. There was no way I was letting him put others in danger because he was unwell and unable to control his actions.
I assumed he was agitated at my reaction. I would react the same way every time. I wouldn't change a thing.
So I got out and walked. I walked half a mile before Caz caught up with me in the car. I would have walked home if I had to.

Whenever we are together things kick off.
I'm well and truly tired of this. I can't deal with it any more.
I suggested that we should stop spending time together as it just isn't working. We stress each other out.

Oh, this is a picture of Walter sulking because I told him not to stand on his baby sister.

I spent the time wisely during the impending silence, pressing the front of the patchwork quilt and then cut out the backing fabric.
It should look really good.

I remembered a weird premonition I had in the night. I work up with the 5th of October etched in my mind. I believe that is when my baby girl is going to arrive. I will be 35-weeks along by that date. 10 weeks to go?!

Week 23

16th July

I think my hormones are getting the better of me now. My emotions are all over the shop.
I've had a go at Caz, poor bugger, for various things. From not loading the dishwasher (he can't as it involves bending), to leaving empty wrappers on the kitchen table (plain bone-idleness) or for not listening properly and reacting to things I say.
I think the trouble with being in close proximity to someone is that they bare the brunt of your agro.

Over the weekend I kicked off a couple of times. Partly through frustration or disappointment, which obviously isn't Caz's fault but he is the cause!

Once was because I got annoyed at him with trying to move a box that was clearly too heavy for an individual to move on their own, aggravating his groin injury.

The second was I started to feel unwell, really hot and like I had a temperature. I told him I needed to have a lie down because I felt so hot. Typically our favourite pastime is napping. But on this occasion, he said he wasn't tired so didn't want to go for a nap. To be fair, I didn't care if he napped or not, but I've sat with him when I haven't been tired so he could relax more knowing I was there. Particularly, I needed someone with me as I didn't feel great. It's not usual to feel so hot. But he didn't cotton on to what I said so I had to say is there any way I can tempt you to spend some time with me. I was then lying on the bed, without any of the covers just in a sports bra and pyjama bottoms and I felt like I was kind of panting or at least breathing a little shallowly. I ended up having to sit up as I felt I needed air to get around my whole body.  The windows were open but still, I was feeling horribly hot.
Only then did Caz realise there was potentially an issue.

But he only helped me after pointing out he was missing some of the Goodwood festival of speed sprints and that he was in pain so wasn't able to help much. So I told him not to bother and that I'd look after myself as per usual. I got up, went downstairs, got myself a glass of cold water with ice and asked for a cold flannel. My temperature was slightly elevated but I couldn't figure out why. You can be hotter during pregnancy but I had also eaten a kiwi within the last 30 minutes or so. I'm not sure if it was some sort of reaction.
"You need to tell me if something is wrong". I did. It isn't my problem if you don't listen. Unless something is in flashing neon signs he wouldn't realise.

Anyway, rant over.

This morning I went to the GP.
I have been experiencing a lot of nosebleeds lately that the midwife had said wasn't really normal. The odd nosebleed during pregnancy is normal as your volume of blood is increased and circulation is more than usual. But having 4 in a day isn't normal.
I had a hideous nosebleed on Thursday night. It woke me up at about half past midnight. I started choking on blood which got me up. I wasn't sure where the box of tissues was so I made a mad dash to the ensuite and used toilet roll to pinch the soft bit of my nose and lean forward. After going to the bathroom my nose was still bleeding. I got back, held my nose some more and then woke Caz as I was starting to get worried.
He googled it and if it continues for 20 minutes or more then you need to head to A&E.

I held my nose for 10 minutes but it was still gushing. After another 5 it had slowed down and looked more watery. After 18 minutes in total, it finally stopped.
I made sure I propped myself up a lot more to go back to sleep - I didn't want it starting again for the rest of the night.
That felt a bit of a close call.

But today, I went to my GP to have it looked at.
He looked in the left-hand side and that seemed fine but on looking in the right-hand nostril there was inflammation on the septum (the bit in the middle). He has prescribed a cream to put in my nose when I next get a nosebleed. It is like an antibacterial sort of thing should hopefully help stop the nose being so inflamed. I am to use the cream 3 times a day for 2-3 days. Then if it happens again and the cream isn't helping I need to go back and I will get a referral to the ENT (ear, nose, throat).

I also mentioned to him that my prescription numbers had reached their limit so needed resetting (he was able to do that quickly) and that I'd had an invitation from screen test Wales to go for my cervical smear. Because I'm pregnant I can't go. They recommend to leave it until around 12 weeks after I've delivered my baby. I thought the GP might do that for me, but he said to contact the screen testing people directly. I'll give it a go.

The North Wales Region contact number is 01352 803277. I got that from the website Cervical Screening Wales as the phone number on the letter just rang and rang.
A lovely lady took the call and advised that they will send out a new invite around the 9th of February. So now I can push that out of my memory and mind safe in the knowledge that someone will remind me!

Next stop, Ysbyty Gwynedd for blood tests.
I knew I had an ultrasound and obstetrics appointment coming up this week, but I was thinking that isn't it a shame I will have no new results in time for the appointment. Then I realised I have a nephrology appointment too. Doh! I had to squeeze in the blood test in time so they could view the results on the day of the appointment. With having the GP appointment first thing I thought about delaying the blood test, it would mean I wouldn't get to work until 10am. But it is probably best to only disturb one day rather than 2.
All nice and easy. I found a parking space in the main bit and I was only ticket 17 at the phlebotomy department when ticket 14 was showing as the next one.
The ladies were shouting at a seagull through the window "what you looking at?!" Haha! They said they had to rescue a baby seagull last year while the parents were dive bombing them! Haha! Bless.

Guess what, still no network!!!
YAWN!

So I have been on e-learning sites to increase and improve my knowledge.
One of the free courses I am interested in needs you to buy a book and DVD to supplement the training. These are now on order and I'm quite excited to receive them to sound such a nerd. I would have thought that in this time of my life, growing a baby, that I would be concentrating wholly on that and not interested in learning and furthering myself, but actually, I feel like I am thriving with continuous learning.

Someone just stopped me and asked to see my bump. I'm wearing a dress today so perhaps it was a little obscured. "God, you are massive! You are really big! Are you sure it isn't twins in there? Are you sure the dates are right? Poor you." Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not just a whale at this time...!
I think it is mainly because I'm short as to why I look full-term just over halfway through! It does knock your confidence a bit though. Normally your weight isn't permitted to be on the topic of conversation but somehow being pregnant means you are public property and free for discussion. So many changes are going on in your body that you feel your body isn't even yours. I do feel fat but I know that it is mostly belly. You would hope women would build other women up, not knock them down. Perhaps I will keep that in mind for the future with how I approach comments about an individual. Commenting on character and behaviour, building that up and making constructive criticism is way better than commenting on things people can't change - their appearance, their voice, their skin condition, their weight.

I don't know if it was inspired by the comments from that person or if I was wanting to give it a go anyway, but tonight I did a strength training workout.
I downloaded an app I have previously used and liked - JEFIT.

In there you take your weight, height and various measurements as a marker to see how your body is changing. Clearly, I don't want to lose weight and cause any harm to my baby. My goal and aim until at least a month after birth is to remain at the same weight or even continue a gradual gain. I want to be fit and healthy for my baby's sake and also in the hope that it will help labour. I want my legs to be stronger so I can support myself during active labour with squatting and getting into other positions without causing too much strain or fatigue to my muscles.

Then you can take progress photos. I am quite surprised how normal and 'not pregnant' I appear from behind!

There are a large number of exercises in the database and various pre-set workouts to pick from. I selected a dumbbell full body workout.
This first week I will perform the exercises with empty dumbbells with no additional weight on them. But I hope to make gradual increases in coming weeks and see how I go.
I aim to do these workouts 3 times a week and do walking and a little turbo training on the 'rest days'.

Exercising helps my mental state so much. I did feel so much better having exercised. It makes you feel stronger, fitter, healthier, more toned. I know after 1 session there will literally be zero difference in any of those things but mentally you feel so much better about yourself. It is like afterwards, you put on rose-tinted spectacles when looking at yourself. You become your biggest cheerleader!

17th July



Oh wow! I am quite sore today.
It is mainly my hamstrings and shoulders.
I will keep moving when I can during the day, go for a short stroll when I get home and I've bought a prawn mayonnaise sandwich and protein shake from Tesco on my lunch break.
I wanted to make sure I give my body the fuel it needs to repair itself.

I also had a mug muffin for breakfast - you put an egg in a mug, mix it up, add in about 1/4 a cup of rolled oats and a little sprinkle of sugar if you'd like and any flavourings. I added cinnamon and honey today. Mix it all up and microwave for around a minute and a half and there you have it. A breakfast cake! I've added mashed banana to it or raspberries in the past and those are tasty too.

Someone else commented today that "you're growing" and also "there are 2 people walking in front of me". However, it felt delivered in a more jokey way so I didn't take it badly.
It'd be nice if someone just said "good job at growing your baby and giving them the best chance possible" but it always seems to be something negative about size. A bit depressing.

One of the girls at work, Christine, had been doing a bit of a clear out and discovered some craft supplies that she doesn't think she'll use. From what she was saying there are beads, earring findings, silver wire and a few other bits and bobs. They are in 2 little sets of drawers!
I'm really excited to have a look at everything but think I should leave it until I get home. The drawers are currently taped closed, so that will make it easier to transport back home. Plus, I think if I start looking I'll get too distracted and want the day to rush by so I can have a good poke and plan what I could be making!

Walter has found a new comfy place. We stack the garden furniture cushions by the breakfast bar when we use them regularly (out of season we put them under the stairs). But with the way they are stacked, Walter decided it is like his own personal sofa! Good idea Walter!

For dinner, I had taken out some puff pastry and wanted to make cheese and onion slices. I cooked off some onion, some potato I'd chopped into cubes and then added parsley, black pepper, whole grain mustard, flour, milk and vintage cheddar. I decided the plan was to make a thick cheese sauce with onion and potato in. Then I placed them on a sheet of puff pastry I had cut into a square and then divided into two large triangles. They went into the oven for about 20-30 minutes at 200 degrees centigrade. I know Caz loves accompaniments with dinner, so I cooked some potato gratin and some spaghetti hoops too. To be fair, the slices were huge. We could only eat half each! So there are some leftovers for another time. You live and learn! I'll add the corrected amounts to my recipe book and add it to my repertoire.

After dinner, we did one of the hypnobirthing tracks. We chose to do 'letting go of fear and doubts'. When we started Caz said he was feeling quite agitated and stressed. In the track, you were asked to picture a corridor and then you see a door at the end. We both ended up thinking that felt a bit claustrophobic and so pictured approaching a log cabin. Funnily, neither of us mentioned this at the time, but we just both individually settled on picturing this instead! Great minds and that!
Then in the room, there was a roaring fire. You had to picture furniture in the room to make it cosy and comfortable for you - I pictured a rocking chair, rug in front of the fire and a coffee table next to it with a cup of cocoa on. Caz saw an armchair, rug and then a small dining table and chairs.
Then on one wall, you could see red bits of paper showing any fears, doubts or worries you have on them about the birth process. I saw death, stillbirth, bleeding, pain, discomfort. You then took the notes from the wall, screwed them up and imagined them disappearing. I threw them in the fire and watched them burn!
It seems quite a cathartic process and ritualistic. It was great!

I later went for a walk. Caz was too tired to come with me so it was just me. I walked up our road towards the fisheries and had it in my mind that I wanted to walk a mile at least. I ended up walking a little further, just over a mile (1.74km).
It was quite a nice evening. Warm and sunny but fresh enough. I seem to walk with quite a quick pace in general so I had to try and concentrate to walk a little slower!

Tesco arrived when I was out on my walk to deliver the groceries and after we'd unpacked we watched the latest Handmaids Tale before bed.

This is the shelving unit I built on the weekend. It looks really quite attractive!
Once it has some cute things or photos on the shelves it should look perfect.

18th July

I feel so nervous today. Literally to the point of feeling like I'm going to be sick.
I have 3 appointments today - the first growth check scan, obstetrics and then renal clinic. This is my first Wednesday off and Caz has booked it off too so he can come to the appointments with me.

Before we went to my appointments, Caz got me to check the last Ikea packages. I can't remember if I said but of the 3 pieces of furniture, half of the wardrobe wasn't delivered (1 box out of 2), the changing table/drawers were mostly okay but one of the main side panels was snapped/split but the cot was perfect.
So Caz finally rang customer services to get a spare side panel for the changing table sent out. That will arrive in around 5 working days so hopefully, we'll have a full set soon. Box 2 of 2 for the wardrobe will be delivered on Saturday morning.

We knew the appointment written in my handheld notes was 10:40 but we weren't sure if that was the scan itself or the obstetrics appointment. So, we turned up about 10 minutes early at the obstetrics reception and were checked in and sent to the ultrasound department.
While waiting for the scan I was getting hideously worked up. I was having to deep breathe to try and keep calm! I know I always get like this and you'd think it would get easier with time. But for some reason, it slightly improved and now it seems to be nose-diving again!

There was a little wait for the scan, maybe half an hour.
The scan was perfect!
She did a few measurements - head circumference, femur length, tummy circumference. Baby girl is estimated to be weighing about 1lb 4oz, around 570g. She also doublechecked and baby is definitely a girl! Phew!

Then we went off to obstetrics and had a long ass wait. We didn't see Dr Clark today - she is on leave. We handed the urine sample to a healthcare assistant and then saw a midwife. She didn't check much but I guess that is all is needed this week seeming I've had a scan so they saw the heartbeat and it was great. We then saw a lovely registrar and she was quite concerned about my low haemoglobin at 95 or so but knowing how much lower it has been and that the renal team are keeping a close eye on it, I'm not overly worried. She told me that I mainly need to concentrate on rest. With working fulltime (7 weeks to go!) and working out to keep fit and healthy and preparing for a baby, I'm not sure how much 'rest' I will get! I'll try but things have to be done first. I'll obviously listen to my body and relax if need be and not overdo it, but until I feel tired, I will just crack on.
We left the obstetrics department at 12:30. That felt like a marathon.

We drove into Bangor to have lunch at Dunelm and then went to Next to buy Caz some Tshirts and jeans. He had been complaining for a while about not having enough trousers or that all his are worn out. Typically, he would go to Matalan to buy clothes but as they haven't been lasting and aren't a comfortable fit, we went a little more upmarket with Next!
We bought 2 pairs of jeans (blue and black), 3 t-shirts (blue, red and salmon). The t-shirts were on offer - 1 for £6, 2 for £10 or 3 for £15. We then popped into the children and baby section and I got him to look at the things in the sale and full price and pick an outfit or garment or two. I picked a weeny pair of trainers, he loved a showerproof jacket in the sale with colourful animals on it and then a cardigan from the full priced section. It was grey with a swan on the front - really pretty!
I didn't want everything to be from me or my Mum, so wanted him to pick something he liked for her to wear.

We then popped home, had a nap and then went out for hospital visit 2, appointment 3.
The renal clinic looked really quiet, so we thought that might be a good sign. But still, we probably waited a good 30-45 minutes for the appointment. I was weighed and had my blood pressure was taken and urine sample tested by the healthcare assistant before I got seen, so at least that broke up some of the time.
No changes for the time being! Everything is pretty stable - creatinine is 122, Hb is 95. I may need an iron infusion before next appointment. They will get me in for a blood test in a fortnights time to double check my figures on the day of my next obstetrics appointment. Dr Alejmi is on leave during August, so I think I'll see his colleague, but he will be briefed and given instructions to treat me should I need it.

I was planning on working out tonight - doing another strength training session but I am exhausted.
Caz made me a dinner I could pick at and was easy finger food. But still, I felt like eating was tiring! I took ages to eat it all! We ended up in bed about half nine!

19th July

Today was quite an uneventful day and I was just so tired what with all the events of yesterday.
It is ridiculous how tiring going to hospital can be. The worrying, the waiting, the understanding, the thinking. It all takes it out of you.
Even by half nine in the morning, I was really flagging. I had to drive down to the beach carpark and had a nap in my car. Hood up on my jumper, sunnies on! I felt a fair bit better after that.

When I got home, I was really quite warm. So opened the windows and sat on the bed as that seems to be the place where the best breeze comes through.
We finished off the cheese and onion slices for dinner with some vegetables.

The Grandparents and Auntie have all been clamouring to buy something towards our little baby. Nain and Taid (Caz's Mum and step-Dad) along with Nain Bach (Caz's Nain) all paid towards the travel system. Auntie wants to pay towards the cot-bed and my parents have transferred me money for the car seat.
All very generous. Baby girl is definitely well loved.
I'm not sure what we will have bought her in the end - everyone else has insisted on buying these big things for her! We have bought clothes, toys and all the essentials and of course, we will give her what money can't buy - love and our time.

The book and DVD I ordered for the 10 part course arrived today. I'm actually quite excited to get started. Caz was all "that's old school" with it being on DVD and it turns out only the PS3 can play the disks... I hadn't thought about that! At least I can still watch them then.
No doubt he will be whining that they aren't HD but the course originates from 2003 so what do you expect for something that is 15 years old!
I also received a jar of Marmite I'd ordered! It was from a special limited edition label for Spread Love Not Hate to celebrate LGBT. I didn't realise when I ordered it, that it would come with my name printed on it! That made my day!

20th July

This has been one hell of a long week. The network was back up and briefly, worked this morning before being taken down completely. I understand it is some issue with cloud storage and archiving and how it was making the system super slow and unworkable. In trying to resolve it, with Microsoft's assistance, it got even worse.
It has been 5 weeks now apparently since the system started becoming slow. It really takes the biscuit.
Thank goodness it is Friday is all I can say.

Caz has a dental appointment this afternoon to get a second filling done.
When we went to Range a few months back and had a Malteaser fridge cake, or something similar from their cafe, he had a searing pain from a tooth. The pain went again but it did reappear when he had things like cereal - the cold milk clearly was too much for his sensitive tooth.
He went to the Dentist a little while back, around when we hit 18 weeks or so, and during his check up he was found to have 2 broken fillings. The first was fixed around 20 weeks of our pregnancy and the second today.
Both were quite deep and needed a fair bit of gouging out from what he said but now he should feel a lot more comfortable.
Hopefully, our baby girl takes after me. Yes, I had too many teeth for my mouth or too small a mouth that I needed teeth removing and then my teeth straightening. But my teeth are seeming, touches wood, pretty strong. I've had 2 fillings to date while Caz seemingly has a mouthful of them!

When thinking about genetics and that, you do wonder what traits your child will inherit from you. I understand certain genes are more dominant than others. Curly hair typically is more dominant than straight hair, brown more dominant than blonde, stronger features more dominant than rounder features. So, taking that into consideration she might be brunette (to start with anyway) with curly hair, blue eyes and a strong nose shape rather than my button nose!

But you also worry what unfortunate aspects they might inherit from you. It was rumoured that my kidney cancer was a genetic anomaly. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy. All the after effects I've lived with from the chemo and radiotherapy have been less than desirable. It was never known too if my heart failure was because of the chemo and radiotherapies, whether it was from a viral infection or something else entirely.
Then Caz seems to have inherited a high cholesterol disorder from his Dad's side of the family. A lot of them are on statins and Caz is now too. Even with fitness and a healthy diet he wasn't able to control the level so it clearly is something that needed a bit of extra assistance.
I literally am hoping so much with all of my heart that she is happy and healthy. I really want her to experience a 'normal' life and not to have any of the burdens I've experienced.

But even if something unfortunate does crop up, I want her to feel 'normal'. I'll try not to baby her and wrap her up in cotton wool. I want her to experience life to the full. To scrape her knee and make friends and discover the world. I felt very isolated and protected from life. I understand that is because I was ill and my parents went into full protection mode. That is something I regret in life. That I didn't have a voice and don't really feel I could do as other kids did.
You live and learn. What you think is the right thing at the time maybe is actually the worst option in hindsight. Life is trial and error! But the benefit is that you can learn from previous generations mistakes and successes.

The broken end panel for the changing cabinet/drawer unit has been redelivered. We now have a full set for that! We are just now waiting on the second box of the wardrobe and then we will have everything for the nursery. Exciting times!

21st July

I'm feeling a little agitated and stressed today. I think it is because when you look forward and try and plan things, like maternity leave, you have an idea in your head as to how you want it to be. But then when you share the ins and outs with someone else they might come to a different conclusion. I just feel quite conflicted and confused as to what to do.

Compared to other places around the world, the maternity leave in the UK isn't too bad.
For my company, I am entitled to 9 weeks at 90% pay, 9 weeks at 50% pay, 21 weeks at SMP (statutory maternity pay - £145.18 and 13 weeks unpaid).

From what I understand, in an article from September 2017, these are figures from various other countries.

Country	Maternity Leave	Pay	Paternity
Australia	12 Months	$695/week (18 weeks)	Two Weeks $695/week
Ghana	12 Weeks (plans to extend to 16 weeks)	Same as salary	None by law
India	26 Weeks (after second child, 12 Weeks)	Average daily wage	None for private sector, Civil servant 15 days
Sweden	18 months	Sick leave level for 390 days $22/day for remaining 90 days	Minimum of 90 days
US	12 Weeks (if applicable)	Unpaid	12 weeks (if under FMLA – family and medical leave act)
Singapore	16 Weeks	Government paid	Two weeks paid, by government
Japan	12 Months	Social insurance or labour insurance paid	Entitled to 12 Months with compensation pay
Netherlands	Minimum of 16 Weeks	Same as salary	Two days paid, 3 days unpaid
Italy	5 Months	5 months at 80% wage, 6 months at 30% and 4-5 months unpaid	Two days paid, 6 or 7 months shared with mother
France	16 Weeks	Paid by public healthcare/Sécurité sociale (up to 84.90 Euros/day)	3 days for birth, 11 days for simple birth, 18 days for multiple or complicated births
Germany	Up to 3 years	Family leave for one year (or 14 months) at 60% of your last pay	Two months

The thing is, I also have 20.5 days of leave to take as well that I'm entitled to this year. Leave runs from January to December in our company. I understand I can have this amount paid back to me if I am unable to use it or that I can carry it over to next year. So, I have this to factor in somewhere too!

We had an Ikea delivery this morning. This was the second box of the wardrobe for our baby girl's room. They actually delivered both boxes again, I'm guessing so that they don't have an odd number in their warehouse. The panels are made of good quality painted/coated wood so no doubt we will be able to do something nice with them in the end.

We went to my parents for dinner. I'm feeling a little disconnected and distracted so felt I didn't really 'participate' particularly well in the evening.
My Mum had planned to make a salmon mousse, like the old-fashioned Christmas meal option. I really wasn't sure if this would be suitable for during pregnancy. I know they warn you to eat things straight away after preparing and cooking and to reheat really well to ensure you don't pick up listeria or any other unwanted bacterias. I'm guessing the salmon mousse should be treated much like pate, so I think it is best avoided and so I requested something else for dinner.
My Mum went with new potatoes, pan-fried fish and a huge heaping of vegetables. That was definitely a lot safer!
There was jelly set with strawberries in it with vanilla ice cream for pudding which was a nice change.

22nd July

We had an amazingly productive day!
I decided to do a big meal preparation session. I thought it would be useful to make the most of the energy when I have it to prepare healthy, homemade food for the times when I can't be bothered or it is too uncomfortable to stand up for long periods.

I made 4 options in total.
Quorn mince chilli with sweet bell peppers
Quorn pieces paprika and dumpling/gnocchi stew
King prawn and veggie bacon linguine
Quorn sausage pizza inspired pasta bake

I know most are vegetarian, but at least it is wholesome and healthy. They should only take a few minutes to reheat and serve with some garlic bread or some little accompaniment.

To be fair, it didn't take too long to do all that. When I'd got one in the oven, I was chopping vegetables or frying off other items to go in the next meal and I had the slow cooker on the go too.
I think in about 3 or 4 hours I got it all done. We got so many potted up meals from the prep session! It will keep us going for a long ass time I think!

I'm also really proud of Caz. Despite his deep groin muscle pain, he decided he wanted to achieve building one of the nursery furniture sets.
He unboxed the pieces for the changing cabinet/drawer unit in the hallway and then carried the bits upstairs piece by piece. He did a good job and didn't try and carry too much or move anything too heavy. I am always reminding him to be careful and not move things unless he is certain he can manage it. Trouble is, he usually has a go anyway. I think knowing what you used to be able to do and how you feel now can be total polar opposites. It can perhaps take a while to relearn how to best approach things with your new limits.
But he managed and it looks really good! Well done Moomin!