Week 23

16th July

I think my hormones are getting the better of me now. My emotions are all over the shop.
I've had a go at Caz, poor bugger, for various things. From not loading the dishwasher (he can't as it involves bending), to leaving empty wrappers on the kitchen table (plain bone-idleness) or for not listening properly and reacting to things I say.
I think the trouble with being in close proximity to someone is that they bare the brunt of your agro.

Over the weekend I kicked off a couple of times. Partly through frustration or disappointment, which obviously isn't Caz's fault but he is the cause!

Once was because I got annoyed at him with trying to move a box that was clearly too heavy for an individual to move on their own, aggravating his groin injury.

The second was I started to feel unwell, really hot and like I had a temperature. I told him I needed to have a lie down because I felt so hot. Typically our favourite pastime is napping. But on this occasion, he said he wasn't tired so didn't want to go for a nap. To be fair, I didn't care if he napped or not, but I've sat with him when I haven't been tired so he could relax more knowing I was there. Particularly, I needed someone with me as I didn't feel great. It's not usual to feel so hot. But he didn't cotton on to what I said so I had to say is there any way I can tempt you to spend some time with me. I was then lying on the bed, without any of the covers just in a sports bra and pyjama bottoms and I felt like I was kind of panting or at least breathing a little shallowly. I ended up having to sit up as I felt I needed air to get around my whole body.  The windows were open but still, I was feeling horribly hot.
Only then did Caz realise there was potentially an issue.

But he only helped me after pointing out he was missing some of the Goodwood festival of speed sprints and that he was in pain so wasn't able to help much. So I told him not to bother and that I'd look after myself as per usual. I got up, went downstairs, got myself a glass of cold water with ice and asked for a cold flannel. My temperature was slightly elevated but I couldn't figure out why. You can be hotter during pregnancy but I had also eaten a kiwi within the last 30 minutes or so. I'm not sure if it was some sort of reaction.
"You need to tell me if something is wrong". I did. It isn't my problem if you don't listen. Unless something is in flashing neon signs he wouldn't realise.

Anyway, rant over.

This morning I went to the GP.
I have been experiencing a lot of nosebleeds lately that the midwife had said wasn't really normal. The odd nosebleed during pregnancy is normal as your volume of blood is increased and circulation is more than usual. But having 4 in a day isn't normal.
I had a hideous nosebleed on Thursday night. It woke me up at about half past midnight. I started choking on blood which got me up. I wasn't sure where the box of tissues was so I made a mad dash to the ensuite and used toilet roll to pinch the soft bit of my nose and lean forward. After going to the bathroom my nose was still bleeding. I got back, held my nose some more and then woke Caz as I was starting to get worried.
He googled it and if it continues for 20 minutes or more then you need to head to A&E.

I held my nose for 10 minutes but it was still gushing. After another 5 it had slowed down and looked more watery. After 18 minutes in total, it finally stopped.
I made sure I propped myself up a lot more to go back to sleep - I didn't want it starting again for the rest of the night.
That felt a bit of a close call.

But today, I went to my GP to have it looked at.
He looked in the left-hand side and that seemed fine but on looking in the right-hand nostril there was inflammation on the septum (the bit in the middle). He has prescribed a cream to put in my nose when I next get a nosebleed. It is like an antibacterial sort of thing should hopefully help stop the nose being so inflamed. I am to use the cream 3 times a day for 2-3 days. Then if it happens again and the cream isn't helping I need to go back and I will get a referral to the ENT (ear, nose, throat).

I also mentioned to him that my prescription numbers had reached their limit so needed resetting (he was able to do that quickly) and that I'd had an invitation from screen test Wales to go for my cervical smear. Because I'm pregnant I can't go. They recommend to leave it until around 12 weeks after I've delivered my baby. I thought the GP might do that for me, but he said to contact the screen testing people directly. I'll give it a go.

The North Wales Region contact number is 01352 803277. I got that from the website Cervical Screening Wales as the phone number on the letter just rang and rang.
A lovely lady took the call and advised that they will send out a new invite around the 9th of February. So now I can push that out of my memory and mind safe in the knowledge that someone will remind me!

Next stop, Ysbyty Gwynedd for blood tests.
I knew I had an ultrasound and obstetrics appointment coming up this week, but I was thinking that isn't it a shame I will have no new results in time for the appointment. Then I realised I have a nephrology appointment too. Doh! I had to squeeze in the blood test in time so they could view the results on the day of the appointment. With having the GP appointment first thing I thought about delaying the blood test, it would mean I wouldn't get to work until 10am. But it is probably best to only disturb one day rather than 2.
All nice and easy. I found a parking space in the main bit and I was only ticket 17 at the phlebotomy department when ticket 14 was showing as the next one.
The ladies were shouting at a seagull through the window "what you looking at?!" Haha! They said they had to rescue a baby seagull last year while the parents were dive bombing them! Haha! Bless.

Guess what, still no network!!!
YAWN!

So I have been on e-learning sites to increase and improve my knowledge.
One of the free courses I am interested in needs you to buy a book and DVD to supplement the training. These are now on order and I'm quite excited to receive them to sound such a nerd. I would have thought that in this time of my life, growing a baby, that I would be concentrating wholly on that and not interested in learning and furthering myself, but actually, I feel like I am thriving with continuous learning.

Someone just stopped me and asked to see my bump. I'm wearing a dress today so perhaps it was a little obscured. "God, you are massive! You are really big! Are you sure it isn't twins in there? Are you sure the dates are right? Poor you." Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not just a whale at this time...!
I think it is mainly because I'm short as to why I look full-term just over halfway through! It does knock your confidence a bit though. Normally your weight isn't permitted to be on the topic of conversation but somehow being pregnant means you are public property and free for discussion. So many changes are going on in your body that you feel your body isn't even yours. I do feel fat but I know that it is mostly belly. You would hope women would build other women up, not knock them down. Perhaps I will keep that in mind for the future with how I approach comments about an individual. Commenting on character and behaviour, building that up and making constructive criticism is way better than commenting on things people can't change - their appearance, their voice, their skin condition, their weight.

I don't know if it was inspired by the comments from that person or if I was wanting to give it a go anyway, but tonight I did a strength training workout.
I downloaded an app I have previously used and liked - JEFIT.

In there you take your weight, height and various measurements as a marker to see how your body is changing. Clearly, I don't want to lose weight and cause any harm to my baby. My goal and aim until at least a month after birth is to remain at the same weight or even continue a gradual gain. I want to be fit and healthy for my baby's sake and also in the hope that it will help labour. I want my legs to be stronger so I can support myself during active labour with squatting and getting into other positions without causing too much strain or fatigue to my muscles.

Then you can take progress photos. I am quite surprised how normal and 'not pregnant' I appear from behind!

There are a large number of exercises in the database and various pre-set workouts to pick from. I selected a dumbbell full body workout.
This first week I will perform the exercises with empty dumbbells with no additional weight on them. But I hope to make gradual increases in coming weeks and see how I go.
I aim to do these workouts 3 times a week and do walking and a little turbo training on the 'rest days'.

Exercising helps my mental state so much. I did feel so much better having exercised. It makes you feel stronger, fitter, healthier, more toned. I know after 1 session there will literally be zero difference in any of those things but mentally you feel so much better about yourself. It is like afterwards, you put on rose-tinted spectacles when looking at yourself. You become your biggest cheerleader!

17th July



Oh wow! I am quite sore today.
It is mainly my hamstrings and shoulders.
I will keep moving when I can during the day, go for a short stroll when I get home and I've bought a prawn mayonnaise sandwich and protein shake from Tesco on my lunch break.
I wanted to make sure I give my body the fuel it needs to repair itself.

I also had a mug muffin for breakfast - you put an egg in a mug, mix it up, add in about 1/4 a cup of rolled oats and a little sprinkle of sugar if you'd like and any flavourings. I added cinnamon and honey today. Mix it all up and microwave for around a minute and a half and there you have it. A breakfast cake! I've added mashed banana to it or raspberries in the past and those are tasty too.

Someone else commented today that "you're growing" and also "there are 2 people walking in front of me". However, it felt delivered in a more jokey way so I didn't take it badly.
It'd be nice if someone just said "good job at growing your baby and giving them the best chance possible" but it always seems to be something negative about size. A bit depressing.

One of the girls at work, Christine, had been doing a bit of a clear out and discovered some craft supplies that she doesn't think she'll use. From what she was saying there are beads, earring findings, silver wire and a few other bits and bobs. They are in 2 little sets of drawers!
I'm really excited to have a look at everything but think I should leave it until I get home. The drawers are currently taped closed, so that will make it easier to transport back home. Plus, I think if I start looking I'll get too distracted and want the day to rush by so I can have a good poke and plan what I could be making!

Walter has found a new comfy place. We stack the garden furniture cushions by the breakfast bar when we use them regularly (out of season we put them under the stairs). But with the way they are stacked, Walter decided it is like his own personal sofa! Good idea Walter!

For dinner, I had taken out some puff pastry and wanted to make cheese and onion slices. I cooked off some onion, some potato I'd chopped into cubes and then added parsley, black pepper, whole grain mustard, flour, milk and vintage cheddar. I decided the plan was to make a thick cheese sauce with onion and potato in. Then I placed them on a sheet of puff pastry I had cut into a square and then divided into two large triangles. They went into the oven for about 20-30 minutes at 200 degrees centigrade. I know Caz loves accompaniments with dinner, so I cooked some potato gratin and some spaghetti hoops too. To be fair, the slices were huge. We could only eat half each! So there are some leftovers for another time. You live and learn! I'll add the corrected amounts to my recipe book and add it to my repertoire.

After dinner, we did one of the hypnobirthing tracks. We chose to do 'letting go of fear and doubts'. When we started Caz said he was feeling quite agitated and stressed. In the track, you were asked to picture a corridor and then you see a door at the end. We both ended up thinking that felt a bit claustrophobic and so pictured approaching a log cabin. Funnily, neither of us mentioned this at the time, but we just both individually settled on picturing this instead! Great minds and that!
Then in the room, there was a roaring fire. You had to picture furniture in the room to make it cosy and comfortable for you - I pictured a rocking chair, rug in front of the fire and a coffee table next to it with a cup of cocoa on. Caz saw an armchair, rug and then a small dining table and chairs.
Then on one wall, you could see red bits of paper showing any fears, doubts or worries you have on them about the birth process. I saw death, stillbirth, bleeding, pain, discomfort. You then took the notes from the wall, screwed them up and imagined them disappearing. I threw them in the fire and watched them burn!
It seems quite a cathartic process and ritualistic. It was great!

I later went for a walk. Caz was too tired to come with me so it was just me. I walked up our road towards the fisheries and had it in my mind that I wanted to walk a mile at least. I ended up walking a little further, just over a mile (1.74km).
It was quite a nice evening. Warm and sunny but fresh enough. I seem to walk with quite a quick pace in general so I had to try and concentrate to walk a little slower!

Tesco arrived when I was out on my walk to deliver the groceries and after we'd unpacked we watched the latest Handmaids Tale before bed.

This is the shelving unit I built on the weekend. It looks really quite attractive!
Once it has some cute things or photos on the shelves it should look perfect.

18th July

I feel so nervous today. Literally to the point of feeling like I'm going to be sick.
I have 3 appointments today - the first growth check scan, obstetrics and then renal clinic. This is my first Wednesday off and Caz has booked it off too so he can come to the appointments with me.

Before we went to my appointments, Caz got me to check the last Ikea packages. I can't remember if I said but of the 3 pieces of furniture, half of the wardrobe wasn't delivered (1 box out of 2), the changing table/drawers were mostly okay but one of the main side panels was snapped/split but the cot was perfect.
So Caz finally rang customer services to get a spare side panel for the changing table sent out. That will arrive in around 5 working days so hopefully, we'll have a full set soon. Box 2 of 2 for the wardrobe will be delivered on Saturday morning.

We knew the appointment written in my handheld notes was 10:40 but we weren't sure if that was the scan itself or the obstetrics appointment. So, we turned up about 10 minutes early at the obstetrics reception and were checked in and sent to the ultrasound department.
While waiting for the scan I was getting hideously worked up. I was having to deep breathe to try and keep calm! I know I always get like this and you'd think it would get easier with time. But for some reason, it slightly improved and now it seems to be nose-diving again!

There was a little wait for the scan, maybe half an hour.
The scan was perfect!
She did a few measurements - head circumference, femur length, tummy circumference. Baby girl is estimated to be weighing about 1lb 4oz, around 570g. She also doublechecked and baby is definitely a girl! Phew!

Then we went off to obstetrics and had a long ass wait. We didn't see Dr Clark today - she is on leave. We handed the urine sample to a healthcare assistant and then saw a midwife. She didn't check much but I guess that is all is needed this week seeming I've had a scan so they saw the heartbeat and it was great. We then saw a lovely registrar and she was quite concerned about my low haemoglobin at 95 or so but knowing how much lower it has been and that the renal team are keeping a close eye on it, I'm not overly worried. She told me that I mainly need to concentrate on rest. With working fulltime (7 weeks to go!) and working out to keep fit and healthy and preparing for a baby, I'm not sure how much 'rest' I will get! I'll try but things have to be done first. I'll obviously listen to my body and relax if need be and not overdo it, but until I feel tired, I will just crack on.
We left the obstetrics department at 12:30. That felt like a marathon.

We drove into Bangor to have lunch at Dunelm and then went to Next to buy Caz some Tshirts and jeans. He had been complaining for a while about not having enough trousers or that all his are worn out. Typically, he would go to Matalan to buy clothes but as they haven't been lasting and aren't a comfortable fit, we went a little more upmarket with Next!
We bought 2 pairs of jeans (blue and black), 3 t-shirts (blue, red and salmon). The t-shirts were on offer - 1 for £6, 2 for £10 or 3 for £15. We then popped into the children and baby section and I got him to look at the things in the sale and full price and pick an outfit or garment or two. I picked a weeny pair of trainers, he loved a showerproof jacket in the sale with colourful animals on it and then a cardigan from the full priced section. It was grey with a swan on the front - really pretty!
I didn't want everything to be from me or my Mum, so wanted him to pick something he liked for her to wear.

We then popped home, had a nap and then went out for hospital visit 2, appointment 3.
The renal clinic looked really quiet, so we thought that might be a good sign. But still, we probably waited a good 30-45 minutes for the appointment. I was weighed and had my blood pressure was taken and urine sample tested by the healthcare assistant before I got seen, so at least that broke up some of the time.
No changes for the time being! Everything is pretty stable - creatinine is 122, Hb is 95. I may need an iron infusion before next appointment. They will get me in for a blood test in a fortnights time to double check my figures on the day of my next obstetrics appointment. Dr Alejmi is on leave during August, so I think I'll see his colleague, but he will be briefed and given instructions to treat me should I need it.

I was planning on working out tonight - doing another strength training session but I am exhausted.
Caz made me a dinner I could pick at and was easy finger food. But still, I felt like eating was tiring! I took ages to eat it all! We ended up in bed about half nine!

19th July

Today was quite an uneventful day and I was just so tired what with all the events of yesterday.
It is ridiculous how tiring going to hospital can be. The worrying, the waiting, the understanding, the thinking. It all takes it out of you.
Even by half nine in the morning, I was really flagging. I had to drive down to the beach carpark and had a nap in my car. Hood up on my jumper, sunnies on! I felt a fair bit better after that.

When I got home, I was really quite warm. So opened the windows and sat on the bed as that seems to be the place where the best breeze comes through.
We finished off the cheese and onion slices for dinner with some vegetables.

The Grandparents and Auntie have all been clamouring to buy something towards our little baby. Nain and Taid (Caz's Mum and step-Dad) along with Nain Bach (Caz's Nain) all paid towards the travel system. Auntie wants to pay towards the cot-bed and my parents have transferred me money for the car seat.
All very generous. Baby girl is definitely well loved.
I'm not sure what we will have bought her in the end - everyone else has insisted on buying these big things for her! We have bought clothes, toys and all the essentials and of course, we will give her what money can't buy - love and our time.

The book and DVD I ordered for the 10 part course arrived today. I'm actually quite excited to get started. Caz was all "that's old school" with it being on DVD and it turns out only the PS3 can play the disks... I hadn't thought about that! At least I can still watch them then.
No doubt he will be whining that they aren't HD but the course originates from 2003 so what do you expect for something that is 15 years old!
I also received a jar of Marmite I'd ordered! It was from a special limited edition label for Spread Love Not Hate to celebrate LGBT. I didn't realise when I ordered it, that it would come with my name printed on it! That made my day!

20th July

This has been one hell of a long week. The network was back up and briefly, worked this morning before being taken down completely. I understand it is some issue with cloud storage and archiving and how it was making the system super slow and unworkable. In trying to resolve it, with Microsoft's assistance, it got even worse.
It has been 5 weeks now apparently since the system started becoming slow. It really takes the biscuit.
Thank goodness it is Friday is all I can say.

Caz has a dental appointment this afternoon to get a second filling done.
When we went to Range a few months back and had a Malteaser fridge cake, or something similar from their cafe, he had a searing pain from a tooth. The pain went again but it did reappear when he had things like cereal - the cold milk clearly was too much for his sensitive tooth.
He went to the Dentist a little while back, around when we hit 18 weeks or so, and during his check up he was found to have 2 broken fillings. The first was fixed around 20 weeks of our pregnancy and the second today.
Both were quite deep and needed a fair bit of gouging out from what he said but now he should feel a lot more comfortable.
Hopefully, our baby girl takes after me. Yes, I had too many teeth for my mouth or too small a mouth that I needed teeth removing and then my teeth straightening. But my teeth are seeming, touches wood, pretty strong. I've had 2 fillings to date while Caz seemingly has a mouthful of them!

When thinking about genetics and that, you do wonder what traits your child will inherit from you. I understand certain genes are more dominant than others. Curly hair typically is more dominant than straight hair, brown more dominant than blonde, stronger features more dominant than rounder features. So, taking that into consideration she might be brunette (to start with anyway) with curly hair, blue eyes and a strong nose shape rather than my button nose!

But you also worry what unfortunate aspects they might inherit from you. It was rumoured that my kidney cancer was a genetic anomaly. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy. All the after effects I've lived with from the chemo and radiotherapy have been less than desirable. It was never known too if my heart failure was because of the chemo and radiotherapies, whether it was from a viral infection or something else entirely.
Then Caz seems to have inherited a high cholesterol disorder from his Dad's side of the family. A lot of them are on statins and Caz is now too. Even with fitness and a healthy diet he wasn't able to control the level so it clearly is something that needed a bit of extra assistance.
I literally am hoping so much with all of my heart that she is happy and healthy. I really want her to experience a 'normal' life and not to have any of the burdens I've experienced.

But even if something unfortunate does crop up, I want her to feel 'normal'. I'll try not to baby her and wrap her up in cotton wool. I want her to experience life to the full. To scrape her knee and make friends and discover the world. I felt very isolated and protected from life. I understand that is because I was ill and my parents went into full protection mode. That is something I regret in life. That I didn't have a voice and don't really feel I could do as other kids did.
You live and learn. What you think is the right thing at the time maybe is actually the worst option in hindsight. Life is trial and error! But the benefit is that you can learn from previous generations mistakes and successes.

The broken end panel for the changing cabinet/drawer unit has been redelivered. We now have a full set for that! We are just now waiting on the second box of the wardrobe and then we will have everything for the nursery. Exciting times!

21st July

I'm feeling a little agitated and stressed today. I think it is because when you look forward and try and plan things, like maternity leave, you have an idea in your head as to how you want it to be. But then when you share the ins and outs with someone else they might come to a different conclusion. I just feel quite conflicted and confused as to what to do.

Compared to other places around the world, the maternity leave in the UK isn't too bad.
For my company, I am entitled to 9 weeks at 90% pay, 9 weeks at 50% pay, 21 weeks at SMP (statutory maternity pay - £145.18 and 13 weeks unpaid).

From what I understand, in an article from September 2017, these are figures from various other countries.

Country	Maternity Leave	Pay	Paternity
Australia	12 Months	$695/week (18 weeks)	Two Weeks $695/week
Ghana	12 Weeks (plans to extend to 16 weeks)	Same as salary	None by law
India	26 Weeks (after second child, 12 Weeks)	Average daily wage	None for private sector, Civil servant 15 days
Sweden	18 months	Sick leave level for 390 days $22/day for remaining 90 days	Minimum of 90 days
US	12 Weeks (if applicable)	Unpaid	12 weeks (if under FMLA – family and medical leave act)
Singapore	16 Weeks	Government paid	Two weeks paid, by government
Japan	12 Months	Social insurance or labour insurance paid	Entitled to 12 Months with compensation pay
Netherlands	Minimum of 16 Weeks	Same as salary	Two days paid, 3 days unpaid
Italy	5 Months	5 months at 80% wage, 6 months at 30% and 4-5 months unpaid	Two days paid, 6 or 7 months shared with mother
France	16 Weeks	Paid by public healthcare/Sécurité sociale (up to 84.90 Euros/day)	3 days for birth, 11 days for simple birth, 18 days for multiple or complicated births
Germany	Up to 3 years	Family leave for one year (or 14 months) at 60% of your last pay	Two months

The thing is, I also have 20.5 days of leave to take as well that I'm entitled to this year. Leave runs from January to December in our company. I understand I can have this amount paid back to me if I am unable to use it or that I can carry it over to next year. So, I have this to factor in somewhere too!

We had an Ikea delivery this morning. This was the second box of the wardrobe for our baby girl's room. They actually delivered both boxes again, I'm guessing so that they don't have an odd number in their warehouse. The panels are made of good quality painted/coated wood so no doubt we will be able to do something nice with them in the end.

We went to my parents for dinner. I'm feeling a little disconnected and distracted so felt I didn't really 'participate' particularly well in the evening.
My Mum had planned to make a salmon mousse, like the old-fashioned Christmas meal option. I really wasn't sure if this would be suitable for during pregnancy. I know they warn you to eat things straight away after preparing and cooking and to reheat really well to ensure you don't pick up listeria or any other unwanted bacterias. I'm guessing the salmon mousse should be treated much like pate, so I think it is best avoided and so I requested something else for dinner.
My Mum went with new potatoes, pan-fried fish and a huge heaping of vegetables. That was definitely a lot safer!
There was jelly set with strawberries in it with vanilla ice cream for pudding which was a nice change.

22nd July

We had an amazingly productive day!
I decided to do a big meal preparation session. I thought it would be useful to make the most of the energy when I have it to prepare healthy, homemade food for the times when I can't be bothered or it is too uncomfortable to stand up for long periods.

I made 4 options in total.
Quorn mince chilli with sweet bell peppers
Quorn pieces paprika and dumpling/gnocchi stew
King prawn and veggie bacon linguine
Quorn sausage pizza inspired pasta bake

I know most are vegetarian, but at least it is wholesome and healthy. They should only take a few minutes to reheat and serve with some garlic bread or some little accompaniment.

To be fair, it didn't take too long to do all that. When I'd got one in the oven, I was chopping vegetables or frying off other items to go in the next meal and I had the slow cooker on the go too.
I think in about 3 or 4 hours I got it all done. We got so many potted up meals from the prep session! It will keep us going for a long ass time I think!

I'm also really proud of Caz. Despite his deep groin muscle pain, he decided he wanted to achieve building one of the nursery furniture sets.
He unboxed the pieces for the changing cabinet/drawer unit in the hallway and then carried the bits upstairs piece by piece. He did a good job and didn't try and carry too much or move anything too heavy. I am always reminding him to be careful and not move things unless he is certain he can manage it. Trouble is, he usually has a go anyway. I think knowing what you used to be able to do and how you feel now can be total polar opposites. It can perhaps take a while to relearn how to best approach things with your new limits.
But he managed and it looks really good! Well done Moomin!