I had to pop into the hospital first thing this morning.
Because I knew I had a bit of time to kill, I went on the turbo trainer to get in some cycling! I thought it might help with improving my blood pressure (which seems to be pretty consistently low at the moment) and help my anaemia.
I needed to see Rebecca to get my blood pressure and urine tested, and then I was given forms for a blood test. There was only 1 phlebotomist on duty so there were signs saying they apologised for any delay caused. To be fair, she was getting a crack on and didn't faff about at all and got through the patients really quickly while I was there!
The hospital wants to continue to make sure that I'm not starting with pre-eclampsia. From what Dr Clark (obstetrician) was saying, you tend to start showing signs around 20 weeks. So I'm hoping that if it hasn't reared its ugly head by now, then maybe I will get away with it. (Touches wood). The main worry now I guess is if baby starts crushing my kidney or the kidney starts impacting on the room baby has in there!
Caz is great at cooking and he often takes the reigns in that department, but sometimes he struggles with inspiration.
I have been struggling to stand for long periods of time. The soles of my feet start to ache with all the extra weight or my ankles start to get puffy and swell.
I never used to be good at this, but now I can tend to look in the fridge, freezer and cupboards and see the few sparse ingredients we have but think oh perhaps we could make such and such with these.
So we had a dahl curry! We had a pouch of dahl curry and we always have brown rice in. Plus with it we had some mango chutney flavoured mini poppadoms. Yum! It was all really tasty, to be honest. I find proper Indian food to be full of flavour and not overly spicy. I think the spice side of things came in when the delicacies reached our shores. The vindaloo for example. That's a Brummy invention. The Indians use spices as we would use seasoning. Seasoning isn't limited to salt and pepper. There are spices, herbs and other things too. It all helps to develop the flavour and just with different seasoning in or different amounts of it you can make a whole different feeling meal.
3rd July
This morning I've got a psychology appointment. This is my follow up to last time, my second appointment. I understand this will be ongoing for a while, perhaps monthly until I've sorted through my mental clutter or at least have delivered Baby Moomin and have been cleared for postnatal depression. I had always felt postnatal depression could be very likely with how my mind can be so negative at the best of times.
Before I went. I sorted through the baby clothes. I wanted to picture them and send it to my Mum to show just how many items baby already has.
There is a tonne of 0-3-month-old sized clothing, 3-6-month-old, 2 items for up to a month, a pack of 5 or so newborn outfits and then 1 tiny baby outfit.
With how the obstetrician was talking, I feel like baby could arrive imminently. So we ideally need some premature baby clothing and other ones inbetween. Even outfirts for further down the line might be nice!
Well, the psych appointment was quite productive.
After my last appointment, during one of my sleepless nights, I wrote a lengthy note to myself.
I'm not sure what hour of the night this was written. Typically, I'm awake 3 or 5am most nights, so I'm guessing it was around then.
I will paste what I wrote here. I apologise if it is blunt but it is honest and it is how I feel. I can't change how I feel or what I feel. This is from my point of view and my experiences from my perspective. I do understand that I can see things quite negatively and perhaps I just can't currently see or remember the good times from the past. But as far as it stands, this is what was going through my mind on that sleepless night.
"I feel there has been a catalogue of errors during my life, leading me to be quite an unstable adult requiring psychological assistance.
From a young age, I don't feel I was socialised enough. Yes, I went to the nursery or playgroup but one of my parents was always present. That causes dependency. I found I was unable to speak for myself as there was always someone else to do that for me. I suffer from crippling shyness and often get told I'm quiet. I'm finding my feet now, building my confidence and learning but I would give anything to not even be in the misfortune of having to talk to a neighbour or whoever it may be. It's terrifying.
I missed having my Dad around. Yes, he was working to earn money to make a better life but it didn't matter to me. Once childhood has gone, it's gone. It's been missed. There is no going back. Having a child feel birthdays and events weren't complete as Dad wasn't there is just really sad. I never really felt dinners out or whatever splurge didn't really make up for it. Time is more valuable than money.
I felt I was overprotected and unable to do as I pleased. I understand I was very ill as a child but I survived and wish I'd been given a chance to discover life, to scrape my knees, get bruised, make mistakes but I felt wrapped up in cotton wool and not able to just be a child and have fun. Life was always so serious.
I really struggled with school. There were subjects I just didn't get. To this day, I panic when numbers are thrown at me. I developed number blindness. I feel stupid. I missed a fair bit of school with sick days and you never catch up again. I dearly wish I had extra help. A private tutor perhaps put into private school ideally. It's not just then that was affected but now. I lack confidence in my abilities and don't see myself as smart, although I'm intelligent I just didn't understand.
I hated school. I feigned sick days. I was able to get an upset stomach just by becoming nervous about the thought of school. I struggled in lessons, I was mercilessly bullied in both primary and secondary schools. It was awful. How people think it was the best days of their life I'll never understand. Worst days more like.
When I asked to attend hospital appointments on my own I felt guilty. But Mum had always been there, always taken care of that. But it was my own responsibility now. I was old enough and wanted to start to speak for myself and not have Mum speak for me. It was 1 way for me to start to embrace life and take charge of my own things. I needed to find my voice and take control of my own health. I found I didn't understand the conditions I had been living with or how to help them. I was clueless. I needed to ask stupid questions in order to get to where I know my body better than doctors and understand medical speak and don't need it dumbed down to plain English.
I don't remember doing art, like getting really messy art. I remember scribbling in books or on paper but paint and exploration of that I don't remember happening.
I don't remember baking apart from cornflake cakes.
I was made to feel a massive failure and sinner when I came to the realisation that religion wasn't for me.
I didn't come to that conclusion overnight. I went to church every Sunday but it was this place where old people and no one my age went. We changed churches. The next too clappy and lively, that wasn't me as an introvert. Another too full of people experiencing miracles and speaking tongues, enough to put the most religious nut off.
I read and studied and spent months reading parts of the bible every night.
I went on an Alpha course. I tried to understand. It all felt so unnatural to me and didn't sit well with me. How is there bad stuff in life if there is a god? Why do the good people always suffer and bad people prosper? Why are so-called Christians so judgmental?
I came to the realisation that I can be good, honest, moral and have values without having a book or vicar tell me what to do. I chose to live a life of good not because I have to but because I choose to.
I hate physical contact.
Hugs are disgusting to me. Like why is someone in my personal space and touching me? Please get off.
I feel unable to love. I love pets. Unconditionally. I can relate to them.
It all feels so different with Caz. I love him to the point of neglect of others. He completes me. I can't love more than one human at a time. I can care for people but I can't love people.
Surely that is some sort of mental disability? Autism? Why was this never picked up?
I don't remember my mum reading bedtime stories to me. I remember my dad reading the Hobbit to me.
I remember physical punishment and angry raised voices. Knocked a cup of tea over, obviously by accident? People will lose their rag with you.
Tell a parent they are becoming a bitch? You'll get your calves whacked. Guess what,? I fight back. I'm not taking it lying down. Truth hurts.
I remember parents arguing or my Mum talking to people on the phone about how fed up she was with Dad being away.
I used to be made to stay in my parents' bed when my Dad was away. Probably because Mum didn't want to be alone. I'm a private person, always have been. I need my own space. When I had a choice in the matter this stopped.
I met Caz, I fell in love and I knew he was the one and I wanted to set up my life with him. How incredibly selfish of me. I was 21, wanted to take Caz and me to the next step of our journey in life. We didn't want to just grab evenings and weekends with one another. We were tired after work and the back and forth was killing us. We wanted to move in together.
I've never felt such guilt in my life. "Do you hate living with us?", "Why are you so desperate to move out?".
I loved him is why. It wasn't a reflection of my parents but a coming of age and moving on in my life and becoming independent.
The guilt didn't encourage me to stay but pushed me further away. Why didn't I do this sooner was one thought I had.
I was so overprotected in my life that I didn't know how to live.
I didn't have a clue. Aren't parents' goal to create stable children, to set them on the right path and teach them all you had to know?
I knew nothing.
I couldn't cook, I had never used a washing machine, I didn't know how to set anything up or maintain it.
I feel Caz had to parent me for years. He taught me all I now know. He gave me the confidence that it's okay to make mistakes, it's how you learn. That you don't have to get it right all of the time. Some days you get it spot on, other days the world is against you but it isn't a reflection of you.
During my transplant, my Mum didn't allow me the chance to recover and rest.
People popped in. That's the key phrase there, popped in. They would say hi, ask how you are doing, say you looked well, gave you some get well card or gift and left again. They knew to keep it brief as rest is the most important thing with recovering.
My Mum never popped in. I remember lying in my Hospital bed and kept nodding off. She would rabbit on and on and on. I would startle awake. She'd continue to rabbit on about who knows. Please see I need rest. Let me rest. I remember crying to Caz asking him why can't he put her foot down and tell her that her visit had overstayed is welcome and rest is vital. But he didn't feel he was able to say anything. My mum has been known to get emotional and "why are you being cruel" when you are only trying to protect yourself and ensure your own self-care. Please understand this is needed, it isn't a reflection against you but necessary. Next time we won't be as polite.
Have the audacity to live life and enjoy it? That's just not on. I felt I always had to be in just in case my Mum rang. No answer at home? Clearly, I'm dead or something awful has happened. My mobile rings. The signal cuts out before I could answer - I'm out for an evening walk with Caz enjoying the late summer sunshine. Caz's phone rings. I feel stalked, crowded, pressurised. Tears and anger come. Why can't I just live my life? My parents say don't visit, they are full of cold. We visit the in-laws. "Sorry, we missed you when we rang" both on the answer phone and to my email. Circumstances changed, we aren't going to just fanny around, we are going to do something else instead!
Caz and I set upon a project to build our own family house. It's constant decision making. Things you've never thought about it cared about before. What door furniture do you want? Where do you want plugs? What about spotlights and where? You don't switch off. We started in 2012 and moved in around 2015. It was a long and draining process.
People are busy, I get that, in their own way. But then there is having a chronic illness, working full time, building a house and worrying about your fertility busy. It doesn't compare. Exhausted wasn't the word.
We were at the plot every week to see changes as well as the constant decisions. We tried to continue to keep on top of running our house as best as we could, but things got messy. Literally, no slack was tolerated by my family. But we haven't seen you for a fortnight, when are you coming over for dinner. We were so tired, particularly from decision making that we so desperately wanted to just recuperate and not socialise. That wasn't an option.
My parents contacted their parents once a week and visited them like twice a year. But I'm expected to be on the phone with them twice a week and have daily emails.
Look, I can't feign interest when I've already heard the news. Why email me when all the news just to phone with the same news? I've got nothing new to say, so would rather not say anything at all. I've explained this but nothing changes. Then I'm mostly spoken at not talked to. Let me have a chance to speak! Like are you even interested in what I've got to say?!
We lost our baby. It was traumatising.
We tried again. We were pregnant!
We are so excitedly nervous, more towards the side of terrified.
I get that others are excited but please appreciate that we are bricking it. Don't overwhelm us and bombard us, we are grieving and trying to be hopeful but don't want to end up getting hurt again.
I ended up in A&E at week 6 of my pregnancy. We thought it was all happening again. The next day, when I was still bleeding and we feared we were losing our second baby my parents brought over a tonne of baby things they'd bought. I just couldn't be grateful or excited. Why are they doing this? I'm only going to have to pack these away in storage when this baby dies. Why cause us unnecessary heartache?
Not once have we seen my parents without them getting excited and giving us more baby things. We've come to expect it now and preempt having to blockade our hearts away and switch our minds off when we see my parents. We know there will always be something to catch us off guard and upset us, so we disconnect.
Have you stopped being anxious now? No! I've bled 3 times, so far, in this pregnancy. We won't relax until we have a happy, healthy baby in our arms and are safely back home.
But that is too difficult to understand, seemingly, and wishes aren't respected.
I'm already worried about if/when the baby comes.
I only want Caz present at the birth. I really don't want any family or friends there. To me, that would be hideous. They wouldn't be able to calm or reassure or help me. I want to maintain as much dignity as possible. I will have as many medical professionals as needed around me. But only Caz and no one else.
Those first hours after birth, maybe 2 hours, I want zero visitors. That is our time. We will be skin to skin, breastfeeding and developing that bond as a family. Please don't interrupt and ruin that.
Caz has limited quality time with the baby to bond in those initial weeks. We want to have minimal visits, interruptions and social calls. We know we'll only have maybe the 2 weeks paternity leave and whatever leave Caz has squirrelled away to learn to be a family. You get one chance. Don't ruin that, don't overstay your welcome. Don't expect us to host you. Don't expect us to visit. We will no doubt be living in shifts and merely existing and loving.
By all means, ask if you can pop by, but don't expect anything from us."
Paul, the psychologist, did appreciate where I was coming from. It is the first time I've ever really felt verified with how I feel and not guilty for having an opinion. He said clearly it was difficult and affected me greatly, but dwelling won't really help. I have to move forward. He is certain I will do things different as I'm so acutely aware of it all. He can see how much it means to me and how much I will clearly care for this baby.
He got the impression that it isn't me that is or has the problem. Perhaps my Mum has need issues. Maybe it is a long cycle of problems through the generations. I could try to use my mindfulness to look at the situation, so accept it is what it is and that it isn't me. It isn't caused by me, it isn't because of me, it is just that I'm so conscientious that I feel so guilty. Being guilt tripped isn't a problem with you. It is someone trying to control you and make you feel like you should feel guilty. You have a choice. You can choose how you react to these difficult situations and people.
Take a deep breath and approach it more rationally.
In other news, our pram arrived!
We ordered it from Mothercare on Sunday to make use of a 10% off voucher we received during the expectant parent event.
4th July
This morning, while I was at work, I went to the toilet to discover a blob of discharge in my underwear. It was a really gelatinous blob of mucus. It got me worrying about the mucus plug which blocks and protects the cervix. It maybe wasn't big enough to be that, but it was a good pound coin sized blob. It was a translucent yellowy clear colour.
Luckily, I have an obstetrician appointment today so I will bring it up then. See what they think.
I don't know if my appointment was squeezed in somehow but when I arrived the midwife called my name pretty quickly. Caz hadn't even arrived yet so I decided to stall and say I had to go to the toilet to do a urine sample - I didn't, I'd brought one with me. But by the time I got out of the loo and was desperately messaging Caz, there he was!
But then we went through from the waiting room and there was pretty much a guard of honour. The midwife, Dr Clark and a trainee GP were stood there waiting for me!
While Dr Clark was asking us questions and Caz was mostly answering as my mind is a sieve, the midwife took my blood pressure (great) and then used the doppler to listen to the baby's heart.
They booked me in for some additional scans later on - 32 and 36 weeks, and then I mentioned about the mucus.
They felt it was best to have a look up there...!
On the bed again and lower layers off. I don't know if I was nervous and therefore tense but it felt super uncomfortable to have the speculum inserted. Usually, I'm quite tolerant of physicals and it hasn't hurt before but for whatever reason it was grim. We were told there is lots of mucus so to expect more to come free. They did a swab and would ring me if there were any problems and wrote my mobile number on the sample bottle label.
She also inserted a finger to check my cervix as she was unable to see with all the mucus. It was high and closed. That is a relief.
If there is any change, more mucus or it changes colour, then I can call the clinic and they'll check me over. I know I have the midwife on Monday afternoon so I might get her to double check it all and try and reassure me now a few days have passed.
Guess what! The confetti shooters have arrived!
I'm annoyed they didn't arrive on time. How does 2nd class mail take that long? But maybe it was the Royal Mail's fault, so I'm trying to reserve judgement. But the seller did say the expectant delivery date would be the 30th so I'm quite disappointed.
When Caz got home, he set up his phone on a small tripod and set it to record. We were excited to create an amazing picture with an explosion of pink confetti. Caz asked how can you tell it is the right colour to pick the item and send it? I said they must know.
Well, this is what happened.
My face is literally the show of despair.
I start off excited and can't wait to fire the shooter, then I see the multicoloured confetti and not a speck of pink amongst it. I look disappointedly at the confetti in the sky, I glare at confusion at the shooter, I'm disappointed, I'm heartbroken.
Caz was saying in hindsight it is good that the shooters were late. If they had arrived on the day and we'd actually had the chance to use them, with all our guests around it would have been a disaster.
I just wanted to badly for things to be perfect, to go right. We didn't have the chance to do this, to do anything with Jesse. All the joy, hopes and dreams were taken away from us. I wanted to celebrate every little milestone despite it feeling me with fear and anxiety. Knowing what happened last time you feel that is the only possible outcome. I want to try and find what little joy I can during this time. To make the most of it while it lasts.
I left a horrible review. "Didn't reply to my message, arrived 4 days after due date, not it's a girl canon."
They replied with "Death in family caused delay in sending. Apologies. Not in right frame of mind."
I'm sorry they are experiencing this and having an awful time, but you can set your eBay to show you as away. If you are not in the right frame of mind you cannot give the quality and service that your customers have come to expect and that you aim to deliver. If you make mistakes it takes just a few bad reviews to ruin you. It is perhaps better to take the money hit and take a step back for a while until you are in a better position and situation. If you can't fulfil orders then don't take the business.
5th July
I was awake from 3am. I'm so done with nose bleeds and leg cramp that it is unbelievable.
I must have looked rubbish as Caz told me it would be best if I took the day off to just relax and rest.
So that is what I did, rested.
I did also do a little bit of nesting but I did nap and read and watch Netflix or All4 a lot of the time too.
I washed the baby clothes. I did them properly. I turned them all inside out, read the washing instructions on each and for anything that wasn't suitable for the tumble drier I put them in a laundry bag to easily remove.
Some things are so tiny!
One of the programmes I part watched inspired me to do a bit of decluttering. It was on All4 and followed these 3 households for 21 days. They removed all of their possessions as an experiment to see if our material things made us happy. They even removed their clothes, beds and such! Everything was taken away!
Each day they were allowed to go to the locked storage container with all their things in and pick 1 item. The first day most chose a onesie, trousers or a blanket to give them warmth and comfort.
It got me thinking. A few months ago I had read about decluttering wardrobes as I feel the amount of 'things' I have is pretty obscene. The articles I read advised a rule of 12. Twelve outfits that are classic, practical and can be mixed and matched. If after 12 weeks you feel that really isn't enough add a few more and find the best number for you. If after 12 months you haven't worn something, you clearly don't need it and out it goes.
Surely, you can also apply that to everything else you own.
I started in the room I was in - the lounge.
In the sideboard, the first cupboard had 5 small cardboard boxes with barely any items within them. I emptied the items, all foodstuff, into 1 box and this will make it's way to the kitchen. There were also greetings cards we have received, workbooks from training courses I've been on and a certificate from the training course.
In the drawer above were index cards, a birthday candle, a birthday girl badge, business-sized envelopes and more greetings cards. The middle cupboard just had ornaments in that I no longer wanted out on display. Perhaps these would be better suited being in the baby's room when she comes?
I don't think there was anything in the other cupboard and then the drawer above that there were blank greetings cards to send out. That would be better placed in my room in the filing cabinet. At least I might use them if they are there.
I dug out 3 Tesco crates. 1 for things to throw, 1 for items to be sold or taken to the charity shops and another to keep but that don't belong in this room. I have a system in place and it is working so far. I just need Caz to maybe help a bit too as I don't want to throw out anything that he is attached to and I need someone to bulk things around for me and perhaps to clean the surfaces with furniture polish as I am a bit nervous about using any chemicals while I'm pregnant.
I have a pile of photos in frames that need to be hung on the wall in the stairway and then the lounge will be perfect!
It doesn't take long to sort things. Like that was no more than an hour to go through and it looks a thousand times better already.
6th July
I've been in contact with a few hypnobirthing people. I feel it is something that is right up my street and will hopefully take the fear out of birthing.
Locally, there are a couple of hypnobirthing providers.
Conwy Hypnobirthing - We met her at the Mothercare expectant parent event. She was lovely and also has been a midwife for many, many years so she would have been able to help from many aspects. But the extra distance put me off a little.
Anglesey Hypnobirthing - I found her from doing a search online for local hypnobirthing people. She seemed quite nice but was very busy with her own family so might struggle to fit things in. She was in training to become a doula but wasn't yet qualified. Her prices were what I'd consider being exorbitant. I know hypnobirthing is more of a luxury than a necessity but if you want to help people then making it accessible to all would be beneficial.
I looked up some more nationwide places that do online courses.
One kept coming up - KG Hypnobirthing. They had a very comprehensive online training system, lots of videos and things but I felt it was perhaps a little faceless. I wanted to support an individual and know that if I have problems or questions that I can contact them.
I ended up going with Hypnobirthing Online. This is run by Alice Kirby and she is a hypnobirthing teacher and birth doula.
She provides in-person courses in Cornwall and Norfolk for reasonable prices and her online course is a mere £25.
For that price, you get full access to her online article resources, very informative blog posts and 10 MP3s including preparing for birth and affirmations to listen to during the birthing process.
I especially loved that during the buying process I noted in the comments that I found her site through a google search and that I found her online course to be easy to understand and that her voice on the MP3s (there are free samples available) was very soothing and reassuring but I also noted that I am expected to be induced early. When she sent through my login details she also put a few lines of her recommendations:
"Thanks so much for your lovely comments - they really mean a lot amidst increasing competition, as I've put years into developing and adapting this course ❤
In your scenario (and if you have time) from towards the end of July I'd follow the 34 weeks+ frequency guide for the MP3s, so you're prepared just in case. I also have specific areas on induction which you can find via the 'what if?' guide. Fingers crossed for as smooth a time as possible :)"
I've told Caz all about the hypnobirthing and that it is something we should practise together. Even though he doesn't necessarily need to 'relax' he will be my birthing partner so needs to know how to best help me. We'll start on the journey together tomorrow.
Tonight I'm off out with some folk from work for a meal!
We are celebrating Pete's birthday - he is the stores' coordinator in the operations team. I tend to get on pretty well with him and he is quite a laugh but sometimes he can get a bit loud and carried away!
There are 11 of us going to East in Llandudno. It is a Cantonese restaurant with a twist of Japanese.
As I finish work at 4pm, I had a little bit of time to kill. It wasn't worth going home as the meal was at 6pm.
In the end, I just parked up where I could, walked down towards the promenade, bought a regular latte from an Illy cafe on the way and then sat on a bench with a sea view and gave Caz a ring.
He must have chatted for about half an hour. It was nice to hear about his day and update him with mine. It was like our usual chats over dinner.
Then it was time to make the walk up to the restaurant. I found Rob, my manager, and Mark, one of the project team, sat with beers in the sun in a pub nearby. I sat with them for a few minutes and then we saw Paula, scanning supervisor, and Becky, scanning operator, arrive at the restaurant. So we made our way a couple doors down to arrive at East.
It was so hot inside the restaurant. I suppose hot kitchens and super hot weather don't really add up to a restaurant feeling fresh!
I wasn't sure how the place would be. It is nestled between a hair salon (or at least used to be) and a takeaway.
I had been joking with Caz that we'd never been to a Chinese with a nice interior design. They all felt stuck in the past and a bit dated with red velour and gold framed chairs, maroon and white tablecloths and shabby wallpaper.
But this place actually felt a little more vibrant. It looked clean and bright with white walls and colourful paintings, there were big red leather dining chairs and the bar looked well stocked (even if I couldn't make much use of it). However, it did have the go-to maroon tablecloth with a white tablecloth over it at a different angle!
The restaurant staff were young but polite and quite fun! The Asian girl had perfect English, which I guess a lot of the younger generations do have. One of the waiters and a chef lad arrived a little late but I think it mostly went unnoticed! The waiter lad was quite a looker, so that probably makes it more excusable! ;)
The rest of the crowd turned up shortly afterwards - Stephen, Michaela, Clio, Chris and last but not least Steve who was a little late!
Pete and Mark shared a set meal between them. It all looked really nice - chicken and sweetcorn Chinese soup to begin, followed by a selection of appetisers (sticky ribs, crispy seaweed, spring rolls and a few others bits and bobs), mains were chicken and cashew in some sauce and a beef and black bean meal. They had coffee to finish too!
I chose battered king prawns in a sweet and sour sauce. Amazing! When I've had this before elsewhere you literally just get the battered prawns and sauce, but here I got quite a lot of veg too. That makes it so much nicer and more filling. You can almost pretend that it is slightly healthy too with a bit of veg!
I totally could have gone with a starter. Some looked drool-worthy!
The food was awesome, definitely no complaints from me. I'll be visiting again if I'm that way with Caz.
It seemed a good evening too. I'm sure the night was only getting started for the rest of them!
When they left the restaurant I made my way home. There is no point in me going to a pub when I can't drink. It just isn't fair! Like I would have loved a cold beer, or cider, or vodka and lime soda. I've totally missed the whole pink gin trend so hope that is still a thing once I can have a bevvy again!
7th July
This morning was spent folding baby clothes! Caz was able to see all the little outfits that have been bought for us and what we've got ourselves too. Some are super sweet.
There are a couple of the 'neutral' things that have been gifted to us that we think are a bit too boyish. One is a t-shirt that says 'Handsome like Daddy', another is a set of dungarees with a big blue dog on and the other is a plain blue and white striped babygrow. We've put these to one side for now, we probably won't put our baby girl in them!
This afternoon we are heading to Abakhan with Caz's Mum and Sister.
Abakhan sells Fabrics, Yarns, Crafts, Sewing Accessories and Haberdashery.
We went around a lot of the fabrics and accessories.
Elaine (his Mum) bought a grey fabric with ballet dancers printed on it. She hopes to make a little drawstring bag from it.
Elin, Auntie-to-be, bought fabric of little cute bunnies holding balloons. It was adorable. I'm not sure what she will attempt yet!
We bought an iron-on patch that I can use to put on the blue and white striped babygrow. It might make it a little girlier! We also bought these fabrics! I aim to make a quilt/blanket... I say aim as all I've ever sewn on my sewing machine is a poorly constructed phone pouch and a half-hearted attempt at making a tablerunner and placemats. I completed the runner and 1 tablemat.
We then obviously visited the cafe! I had coffee and cake :) Can't complain!
We sat in Caz's study to read the birth process text article and then to listen to the prepare for birth MP3.
Alice's voice is definitely very soothing and she comes across as very knowledgeable from her articles.
The only thing I mentioned to Caz that I'd like to change is for him to sit alongside me to hold my hand and have his other hand either on my back to rub, head to soothe or even belly to reassure baby. That is how we will be in the labour ward so why not start doing everything as we mean to carry on and completely create the right environment.
Maybe we should even start using essential oils to create a relaxing atmosphere or fairy lights or LED tealights to have a softer lighting.
I also think then that come the time for birthing that just having Caz hold my hand that it will remind me to relax. It will be the trigger for the wise words and calming affirmations to seep back into my mind and remind me to breathe. Relax, release.
8th July
I didn't get out of pyjamas today and I don't feel an ounce of regret.
I wasn't lazy. I finished sorting out the lounge and took the items from the 'to throw' crate and disposed of them. We are one step closer to having the home I really want and deserve.
We watched F1, which was a pretty exciting race actually!
Then in the evening, I cut my fabric into 42 x 5inch squares.
Even this felt a little tricky for me! I luckily had a quilting template in that I cut to size and used tailors chalk to mark up the sizes to cut out. 10 of each fabric but 11 of the ones with bunnies on.
Next step is to set them out in a 6 by 7 grid, making sure the design is pretty. I very much like things to be orderly and symmetrical and Caz finds chaos more pleasing. Like in a path if one slab is the other way around or a different colour he loves it. It freaks me out and I can't unsee it. I don't know how to best compromise...!
You then take all the squares from the row, lay two facing each other and stitch along one edge. You continue doing this until you have a full row, creating the width. I think you then maybe iron it all with the seam to one side and then you go about attaching each row to one another to create the length.
Sounds easy, but I'm sure it will definitely stretch my mind.
One request I have of family and friends is to not announce the birth of our baby.
We have waited a long time for a baby, we spent a long time growing and developing our baby and then for the last moment of pleasure to be taken away from us would be a joke.
I want the pleasure of putting an announcement out ourselves, with a picture of the three of us, to let everyone know that baby is here!
In the weeks before, or even during early labour, we will ask for email addresses or if Facebook will be sufficient. We will then write a to all email and put a post up on Facebook. We won't be faffing with phone calls, texts and such. We just want a one click and it is done kind of thing. But we do want that power.
Its taken a bit for some people to understand, perhaps back in the day this was the Grandparents job, but it is something I feel strongly towards so want to be able to do this ourselves.
Here is a picture I found online that explains everything.
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