I've tried to be a little productive already today.
After thinking long and hard, since, like Friday, I have bought a turbo trainer.
This is a device that essentially turns your bicycle into a static piece of fitness equipment.
I quite enjoy cycling, but because of a developing bump and my balance being off-whack, I wondered about getting one of these!
I can set it up in the spare bedroom and pedal away to my heart's desire. You can change the resistance levels on the device or you can change through your gears to make the whole process feel more natural and like you are taking on hills and normal terrain.
It was under £60 so it might be completely pants but it says it is guaranteed for a year.
I have also phoned the midwife and left a message. I want to talk about a lot of the worries that are going through my head.
I currently have a week with no appointment in around the end of this month/start of next month. I might as well try and keep myself reassured and see someone each week to tide me over.
As my sick note is expiring on Thursday, I wanted to go back to the GP and get a fit note to say what I can and can't do. I have booked to see a nice and sympathetic GP, Dr Morris, tomorrow at 11:15.
It will no doubt be difficult to explain my role but I want to do as best I can so I can rule out any risky tasks and ensure my baby is as safe and snug as can be for as long as possible. I also want to talk about depression. I really feel I have all the markers.
It’s estimated that at least one in ten, and possibly as many as one in three, pregnant women experience some form of depression. And not acknowledging it can increase the risk of postnatal depression.
Typical symptoms include feeling sad and tearful for no apparent reason; tired and unable to cope; irritable and angry; struggling to concentrate or think; sleeplessness and negative thoughts. Or you may be feeling overwhelmingly anxious about how you’ll care for your baby, the changes in your life and the changes to your body.
I have all of that plus the debilitating fear that this pregnancy will end. It just feels like a ticking time bomb.
I've had my first acupuncture appointment today!
I literally didn't know what to expect at all. How do I dress? Do I have to remove layers of clothing like for a massage? Will I be lying or sitting? So many questions!
I got to the centre and was guided upstairs to where Carole, the therapist, would work on me.
Firstly, she wanted to find out my health history, what medications I'm on and what I am hoping to get out of the treatment.
I booked the treatment hoping to help me control my anxiety and get a bit of relief from the constant nervous feeling like there is some impending doom lingering just around the corner.
I was asked to remove my shoes and climb up on the treatment table. My trouser legs were rolled up to my knees, my socks moved down and my wrists were exposed from my sweatshirt.
The first needle she put in was on the top of my foot, in line with my big toe. For this first needle, I was asked to breathe in deeply as this can help if it I was sensitive to pain. But it wasn't even a scratch really. After the needle was in, there was perhaps a warm and slightly stinging sensation, but it wasn't overwhelming.
She must have put in about 10 to 15 needles in me in all. 3 or so in my feet, some along my lower legs and near my knees, a couple in each wrist at different points and one in the top of my head.
My aim now was to relax for 20 minutes or so. She would leave me to it and perhaps pop in to check on me.
It was surprisingly relaxing. I lay there, eyes closed, breathing deeply, keeping my awareness on my surroundings. I could hear some gentle music in the background in another room, the window was slightly ajar and so I could hear the cars passing by which I could almost imagine were the waves of the ocean. I could also hear a clock ticking away.
I seem to remember from my study of reflexology a lifetime ago that the body is split into energy lines. 10 lines I think, if my memory serves me correctly, 5 on each side. They run from head to toe. Perhaps this acupuncture taps into these energy lines and is trying to balance the energy that has become disturbed and tangled.
Once the treatment was complete, I felt really chilled, my legs felt heavy and I was really thirsty. I was advised to take it easy for the rest of the day and put my feet up for half an hour or more if time would allow.
She recommends initially having weekly treatments for a time and then more just top-up treatments. I will see how I go tomorrow as to whether I should book another treatment next Monday. I will have to be mindful that I will most likely be back in work then, so will have to aim my appointment for as late in the afternoon as will allow.
This is the only mark that shows I had acupuncture today!
I made dinner tonight! The first time I've managed to stand up for long enough and not feel completely drained.
I cheated a bit by putting it all in the slow cooker, but either way, dinner was made.
It was a Dal curry. Something nourishing and easy.
Today's 21-day anxiety challenge was to Take a long bubble bath. I'll most likely do that tomorrow night so will swap the tasks around.
So I actually did Ten minutes of meditation. I did a fair bit of breathing exercises while I was having the acupuncture. It really is quite calming to focus in on your breath and watch it, see how it feels. Is it cold coming in your nostrils? Can you picture it flowing down into your lungs and can you imagine it filling your body and surging down into your arms and legs? Do you notice there are 4 parts to breathing? In, pause, out, pause. This is your breath turning and your body preparing to change the action to expel the air again.
I will have to remember I always have breath with me and so can always tap into that to calm myself should I need to.
17th April
I managed to book a GP appointment yesterday, for today.
I said a little white lie in that it was a follow up with Dr Morris. I just really wanted the appointment to be with him as he is so sympathetic and I feel I can talk openly and honestly with him. The appointment is a follow up in that I want to get another urine sample tested after the midwife phoned saying I potentially had an infection. I also want to get a fit note detailing the environment I can work in, what hours I can do and what tasks I can comfortably achieve. I'm feeling quite nervous and knowing I will potentially be back in work in a mere 3 days time is a little overwhelming.
I then have a meeting arranged with my boss and HR tomorrow. So I'm hoping with a list of what I can and can't do will help. If they can't fulfil those then I guess I'll be back at the doctors to be signed off again. We'll see how it all turns out.
After a brief argument with the ticket machine in the car park - I was too gentle in putting my 50p in the machine and so it didn't take it and I had to put in another - I went in for my GP appointment.
I'd worked myself up to the point of feeling really sick and my stomach was grumbling away with nerves.
I was called through and Dr Morris listened to my issues.
Firstly, I brought up my potential urine infection and the midwife phoning on Saturday. He showed me the results on the screen and they were actually relatively normal. Much more reassuring. Either way, I had brought along a urine sample and he did the dipstick test - that was fine. But he was going to send it away to be tested anyway. If there were any issues, the surgery would phone me tomorrow.
Next, I brought up my anxiety I said how I'm waking up regularly at 2 or 3am and my mind just whirls around with so many thoughts. I also told him about the nightmares I'd been having about miscarriage. I don't think I mentioned one I had about 3 nights ago. I dreamt I had a miscarriage but they were hedgehogs?! There were loads of tissues covered in blood and I just remembering howling and feeling such heartbreak. Waking up after that, there is no chance you will get back to sleep, it all felt so real.
He said he thinks it will subside once I pass the date I lost my last baby. I have my dating scan next Thursday and I think I have a building anxiety for that - scanxiety as I saw someone put it as! That is exactly what it is.
I do feel I need something to help me through now, but I do also believe once I have had a good scan and pass the first trimester that I might feel a sense of ease. I don't want to do anything too hasty.
He told me not to be too afraid to do anything. Exercise is good. I'm slowly realising that now. I haven't bled for a fortnight now. Fingers crossed the initial risky stages are passing. I know that doesn't guarantee you will have an easy ride but you can at least hope towards your due date and bringing home a happy, healthy baby.
Finally, I talked about wanting a fit note to take to work to explain what I can and can't do. He said he is happy to do that, but he feels that perhaps until I've passed 12 weeks I am not really ready to go back to work. He has signed me off again and I am due to return on the 30th of this month.
My turbo trainer has arrived!
I just need to wait for Caz to set it up in the spare room once he has a chance. I can't wait to get started and keep my cardio fitness up.
18th April
Today I have a meeting at work with my boss and HR. I'm quite nervous about it. I'm aware that another lad from our department has stepped into the orders desk and is learning and covering me. I partly feel I have no place now, no purpose. I'm a little scared that I will be a bit bullied as work has been great and there I am providing sick note after sick note. What sort of thanks is that?
But I needn't have worried. Literally, the worry is never worth the waste of energy. You tire yourself out and typically it is for nothing.
The bridge onto the mainland was typically busy. But I'd allowed enough time to cover that circumstance.
I arrived and parked in the visitors bay. I met James on the way in as he'd been out for a smoke. He was asking how I am and I don't really know how to answer that. I'm not necessarily off because I'm "ill", I'm mostly off because of my mental health at the moment. I don't yet feel ready or assured enough to say I'm pregnant and have had a few complications.
I just said I'd felt better and that I was here to talk to HR about it.
I went in and Jordan was about to go out for a smoke and asked after me.
Then I started making my way up the stairs and Rob, my boss, called up after me, 'Hi Nikki'. I saw at least some of the stores' team were with him and so I cautiously continued up the stairs. I'm not quite ready for social meetings!
I met Rob at the next level and we walked up to the top floor together and met with HR in a meeting room.
I told them about my upcoming scan and how next week will be the milestone I got with Jesse when I lost my baby. In light of that, my GP felt I wasn't in the right frame of mind and would be too distracted to concentrate. So I would aim for a return on the 30th of the month.
They agreed that it was best to follow doctors orders and then asked if I can return to him before I come back to get a fit note detailing do's and don'ts. I thought this sounded a good plan too.
They talked about temporarily reducing my hours and working with a 'buddy' - this lad that is now on the orders desk.
I wouldn't be asked to do anything I wasn't comfortable with, any physical work would be out of the question, I was free to have as many rests as needed and if anything started to get on top of me I am to tell someone and they'll review me again.
They would also keep regular, perhaps weekly, review sessions to see how I am doing and if I need to scale back or want more to get my teeth into.
All in all, it was a very positive meeting.
When I got home I had a snack and did that first-trimester fitta mamma workout again.
It just so happens, that today the 21-day anxiety challenge task is to Do your favourite cardio exercise for 20 minutes. That box is now ticked!
I replenished by having lunch and a nap. Naps are regular occurrences for me at the moment! had lunch and a nap. Naps are regular occurrences for me at the moment!
Walter always likes to nap with me - here he is!
Next stop, hospital.
I have my kidney check up today with the renal consultant.
After having my blood pressure checked, being weighed and having my urine sample screened I was called through to the consultant's office.
Dr Alejmi can be a bit up and down. Doom and gloom one minute with referring to my miscarriage as an abortion (heartbreaking 💔) and saying am I aware that I'm at higher risk of 'abortion'. I'd never actually been told that. Just that pregnancy would have to be closely monitored. Then in the next sentence, he can be quite jovial and joking and he was saying how my kidney function is doing pretty well and the urine sample I did for the GP yesterday showed no infection.
I have to go back in 5 weeks time but do a blood test in 2 weeks to check everything is stable.
After a light dinner, I went to my mindfulness course!
Today, it is just the orientation session where you get to find out more about the course and get to know the other people in the room.
There were about 20 other people attending the course, the teacher and then a helper.
We were sat in a circle and were asked to talk to our neighbour and find out more about them. Then we had to introduce ourselves to the room saying who we were, where we were from and why we were doing the course.
I said I wanted to do the course because I've had medical conditions all my life and wanted to find acceptance for my fate and make the most of life.
Perhaps a little dark and I know the future is bright enough but I also am very aware of my mortality and find I worry about my health a lot. I would love to just live.
There was also a short taster meditation. It is quite unusual to know you are sat in a room full of strangers and have to close your eyes and relax. Easier said than done.
Next week, the course will start properly.
The first session will be body scan. Apparently, the class will begin with the meditation and then the following 1 hour 45 (ish) will be discussing how you felt if you feel able to open up. Then I believe there will be some other learnings and you take home a CD to practise the meditation each day.
Today has been a long but positive day.
Work is being really flexible, my health is doing well so far and I'm at the beginning of my journey to battle these anxieties and demons I've lugged around most of my life.
19th April
It has been really sunny today but breezy.
I felt in a bit of a funk this morning. But I had breakfast, did some first-trimester yoga, had a shower and then prepared to go out after lunch.
I went to Bangor, principly to get more prenatal vitamins, baby dose aspirin and some eardrops for Walter. He has been shaking his head and itching his ears lately.
I stopped off at TX Maxx first and bought sunscreen, hair mask, a hairbrush (I just have a pocket-sized detangling brush and a wide tooth comb) and a few other little bits and bobs. I looked at some of the baby things but nothing really grabbed me.
I did buy some bath products - some relaxing bath bombs and some soap petals.
Then I went to Pets at Home and bought Walter some cat milk, Dreamies and a small ball. I looked for eardrops and checked with the cashier but they were out of stock at the moment.
I went on to Dunelm for coffee and cake, which was really rather lush!
Once I was done, I wandered around the store a little and found a cushion with J on - I'm collecting anything with Jesse's initial on (candles, plaques, cushions...!).
I also found a reed diffuser aimed at 'de-stressing' with aromatherapy oils of neroli and vetiver in it. I wanted something in my study as it is next to the utility where Walter's litter tray is... Not the nicest of smells!
I found myself also buying a padded rainbow coloured star bunting for the baby.
I then finished my trip going to Tesco to get the vitamins and pills I needed. I ended up buying some newborn babygrows after realising that 0-3 months will be too big for my baby. They had happy little rainbows and ladybirds on them. Very cute!
In a month's time, it will be our 8th wedding anniversary.
With trying for a baby, losing a baby and being pregnant again I feel we are closer than ever. We share a lot, have deep talks with one another and spend a lot of time together and very much enjoy being with one another.
I looked up what the 'gift' should be for this anniversary and Wikipedia said:
8th anniversary is Bronze (traditional US) Salt (traditional UK) or Linens, lace (modern list).
I have plumped for bronze so far.
As Caz has been reading more and gaining more of an interesting in losing himself in a book, I wanted to make him a bronze bookmark.
I bought all the crafty bits I needed on eBay and here is what I've come up with.
I bought all the components individually - the metal bookmark, the split rings, the moon pendant and star charm.
I just needed to open the split rings and put everything together and squeeze them closed again with my jewellery pliers.
In a way, it matches my tattoo which I felt was quite significant and Caz could share in it too.
I'm quite pleased with the way it turned out actually!
I might also get him something salt related. We are after all only a few miles away from Halen Mon - Anglesey Salt!
The task for the 21-day anxiety challenge today? Go to bed early. I don't mind if I do. 9pm and nighty night from me!
20th April
Today was a good day!
The day started off really misty/foggy but once the sun was up and warm it burnt it all away quickly.
I met up with Pat, a friend from work. We went to a local garden centre for coffee and cake.
We talked about my pregnancy, my worries, acupuncture, mindfulness, work, her parents visiting in the summer, everything!
Afterwards, we strolled around the shop and plant nursery for a little while in the sunshine and then I dropped her back off at her partner's workplace and went on my way.
It was nice to catch up and I knew doing something sociable would help my mind, no matter how nervous it might make me feel initially.
Caz was actually working from home today. Friday is a short day for him anyway, but it was nice to have him around.
When I got back from coffee we went out for lunch at Tyddyn Mon - tÅ· crempog pancake house.
Caz sees signs for this place on his drive to work each day. One day, I heard about Tyddyn Mon on Facebook and that there was a pancake house there. I asked him if he knew where it was 'I pass it every day'. My next question was, you haven't been there without me have you?! He hadn't and so we wanted to go and try it out at the next opportunity.
Amazing!
I went for a stack of 3 pancakes with banana, toffee sauce, squirty cream and banana and toffee ice cream.
Caz had a stack of 3 pancakes with maple, bacon and a fried egg on top.
They also do crepes and have gluten-free and dairy-free options too!
Menu:
http://www.tyddynmon.co.uk/Content/Upload/pancake%20house%20menu.pdf
The main purpose of Tyddyn Mon is to be a charity supporting adults with learning disabilities on Anglesey since 1988.
The site is a 35-acre farm and it gives people with learning disabilities to learn various skills such as looking after animals, pottery and photography to help them find their purpose in life.
We then waddled back to the car as we were SO full of yummy pancakes and we ended up at Lligwy beach. It was really beautiful.
We needed groceries in, so next stop was Lidl and then home!
It is still lovely weather now. We sat having an ice lolly on the garden bench and will have a light caesar salad for dinner after all my treats today!
The 21-day anxiety challenge for today is to Start a good vitamin regimen.
I already take a pregnancy vitamin that my obstetrician has checked over for the contents and levels of the vitamins. She wants me to take it throughout my pregnancy.
It should give me everything I need during this time.
21st April
We are at 11 weeks!
But I'm starting to really worry now. I lost my baby at 11 weeks 6 days in my first pregnancy. I have 6 days to see what happens this time. I know it might not happen at the same time... But I am really preparing myself for the worst.
To kind of pander to my thoughts, we dug out my outfit from last time we were taking pregnancy photos and although I'm in a different location in the room, we tried to recreate the position as best as we could.
Here is the side by side from 11 weeks in pregnancy 1 and this pregnancy.
Although slightly different, I think I do look a fair bit bigger this time. I have literally just cried with relief at seeing this. Hopefully, this is good news.
It has been the loveliest day weatherwise so far this year!
We had a leisurely breakfast of jus-roll pain-au-chocolat and after I had washed my hair and dressed we took our weekly pregnancy photos.
I sat in the garden with a cup of coffee to dry my hair in the sunshine.
Living in the countryside is so peaceful. I wouldn't necessarily say it is quiet - there is always something going on - but it isn't the same drone as being in a town or city. You can hear the birds singing away and chirping, the bees buzzing around trying to find the nectar they want, the occasional tractor spreading muck or fertilising the fields, the sheep baaing and their lambs bleating, a bus or car passing now and then, maybe a cockerel crowing, the farmers quad bike, pick-up truck or landy driving around the fields and cows mooing in the distance.
We went for a stroll after lunch to make the most of the weather.
We did our usual circuit of down the road to the cross-road, down there until you get to a kissing gate at the bottom, along with the footpath and baring right you end up in a field of sheep. Directly opposite you is another kissing gate that goes up a beautiful little tree-lined pathway and you end up in a horse field. The horses weren't there today so we walked straight across and through the gateway and turned right to come out by the chapel and back home.
Today's 21-day anxiety challenge task is to Snuggle an animal.
I tick that box each and every day with Walter!
He is definitely a snuggly cat and is my cuddle buddy! He is so soft, cute and gentle.
Love my little miaow!
22nd April
I didn't achieve all that much today. I've had constipation, so that has really stopped me doing anything!
It is so uncomfortable. I have been eating pretty healthily, apart from Friday, so I'm not sure I can up my fibre intake all that much. I might have to see if I can buy something like fibre gel if it carries on just to give me a chance!
Today's 21-day anxiety challenge was to meditate. I didn't do this but will make an effort to spend a few minutes tomorrow meditating.
We went over to Caz's parents for dinner. They weren't there when we arrived so we weren't sure what to do. We rang the bell and it turns out Caz's Sister was in, just that the door was locked.
His parents eventually returned from visiting his Step-Dad's Mum in the home she has recently been put in.
We just generally chatted, had dinner and chatted some more.
Despite having had a nap, I was still majorly drained from the day! We had to give in come 20:30 to get back home.
One useful resource I've found is a free online antenatal course. http://a-mother-place.thinkific.com/collections It is informative but doesn't bamboozle you or overwhelm with details.
It was founded by Roger Marwood, a recently retired Obstetrician and Gynaecologist with 40 years experience, and two mothers, Becca Maberly and Emmie Faust, who simply want to make things easier for new mothers and their partners.
There are 9 classes in total, plus one aimed at partners.
- Exercise, Pelvic Floor Exercise, Food, Alcohol and Smoking, Sleep, Travel and Work
- Swelling & Weight Gain, Aches & Pains, Complications in Pregnancy. What to Buy- The Ultimate List
- Symptoms & Signs of Labour, Birth Plans. What to Pack for Hospital. What happens when you get there
- Stages of Labour, Position of The Baby, Breathing and Pushing. Will I do a Poo?
- Pain Relief in Labour - Natural and Medical. Induction - Why and How? Claim your FREE Hypnobirthing Download
- Assisted Delivery, Caesarean Sections - Elective & Emergency. Complications of Labour
- What to expect in the first few hours, days and weeks after the baby is born. Diet and Exercise in the postnatal period
- Postnatal period - Emotional and Physical Sex After a Baby, Contraception and 6 -week check
- Your Newborn Baby - What to expect and When to worry. Claim your FREE First Aid Course
- Advice for Partners
I've already learned a few extra bits of information.
For example, I thought I wasn't allowed to eat blue cheese (such as Stilton) but it turns out as it is a harder cheese it is completely fine.
Within the second class, they covered complications, such as pre-eclampsia. When I was told I would potentially be at high risk of developing this it put the fear of God into me. But having read the information, I feel a little more reassured now. As with conditions like gestational diabetes, it can be prevented or controlled to some extent. Keep your blood pressure low by eating healthily and exercising regularly and you have better chances.
I'd highly recommend giving the classes a read. It won't take long and it will give you a better idea of what to expect. I've found it very useful so far.
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