Week 8

2nd April
Today I'm due back at work. Unfortunately I'm still feeling rather grim. Fingers crossed I start to pick up tomorrow.

I've moved on to another part of the solar system cross stitch now - the Moon. I have most of the colour threads I need and just need to order 3 more to be able to complete it.

It was one of those days where you don't really achieve anything. I can't even really put my finger on what I even did.
I've been blowing my nose so much with the blocked sinuses that now it is just triggering nosebleed after nosebleed.

One thing I did do was watching Police interceptors. This has to be one of my favourite things to watch on telly.
You kind of get to 'know' the people in the police and really root for them. Jacko has to be one of my favourites and Liam the dog handler!
I mean, c'mon, look at them! Can arrest me any day!
(photos from The Northern Echo and RadioTimes)

Walter doesn't seem well either now!
Can a cat pick up a bug from his humans?
But then again, I don't know if it was because he ate too quickly.
In Aldi I saw 'cat mousse' and wondered if Walter might like it. They just look like little tins of Sheba cat food, in a few different flavours.
Well, he seems to really love the cat mousse and gets quite excited when we put it out for him. I think he might have actually eaten it so quickly that he then threw up again! Bless. It wasn't nice seeing him look a bit shocked and scared as he was wretching and then throwing up. Poor Miaow.

3rd April
I'm still feeling really gross to be honest. I just feel quite low in myself and am done with my sinuses being sore and bleeding.

I felt I had a better day and was a bit more productive. I managed a short walk to start with!

I did watch a lot of TV, but isn't that a given when you are off sick?
I also feel I ate well with lots of healthy foods. Hopefully it will all help in getting me back into a routine and back to work.

I saw these beauties in the garden today - 2 female pheasants. There is also a male vying for their attention!

What I thought I was over and wouldn't blight my life again is back.
I had blood tinged discharge and then later had some clot like discharge when I wiped.
I honestly can't tell you how scared I am.
I thought I was finally out of the woods but here it is again to remind me how fragile life is and how much of a miracle pregnancy actually is. I feel like I'm grieving all over again. I really feel like I'm losing this baby. I can't do this again. I was only starting to get back on my feet and felt I was a functioning human before it was all swiped from under me.

4th April
I'm now pretty much over my cold bug but because of yesterday's bleeding, I'm wanting to just 'relax' so I can try and make sure the bleeding has stopped and won't get worse.
What is even right? They tell you to keep active and now I'm even scared to go for a walk. I feel so out of control and like I don't know or trust my body. I'm just a prisoner in this shell. My body keeps failing me and I don't feel it even knows what to do or how to grow a baby.

Now I'm not 'unwell' I do feel like I want to 'do' something just to keep my mind ticking over. So I have asked my manager about working from home.
Initially, when I mentioned working from home previously my manager was quite receptive. He said he would discuss with his manager and HR and come back to me as quickly as possible. He said given the circumstances he needs to look after me and place no expectations on me whatsoever.
But when I asked on this occasion I was told that his manager was away on holiday and so we can't make any decision or discussion on this until he is back and for me to just self-assess each day and if I'm not fit for work to follow procedures.
I guess his hands are tied but it felt a bit like the initial promise was slipping away.

I will need to contact the doctors surgery in the coming days as I'll run out of 'self-cert' days and need to actually be signed off now. I just feel so tired, distracted and anxious.
I'm just feeling so nervous about this pregnancy and really feel my anxiety is getting the better of me. I'm not sleeping well and I feel so on edge. My mind never stops whirling.

I watched a few episodes of Call the Midwife on Netflix. In once Jenny's partner had an accident, lost  his foot and then suddenly died from an embolism.
The other was about a girl with down syndrome who ended up pregnant. No one really know how this might all turn out as it wasn't really something that had seemingly been done and followed before. The baby didn't survive and the lad who loved this girl and got her pregnant was sent away. Quite a sad tale actually. When now we treat people with down syndrome quite normally and are aware, with a little help, they can live a long and fulfilling life.

I managed another short walk.
It isn't as nice, weatherwise today, in fact, it has been raining most of the morning and this was just a temporary gap in the showers.
The is the view from where I managed to walk to. You look out over the fields from the road. You can see sheep, grass, fields, sky and a farmhouse. So peaceful, if cold and dreary today!

I'm quite worried about Caz. He has been complaining of increasing pain in his abdomen. It seems to have started when he did some gardening on the weekend - that is when he planted the hedgerow. What I didn't know though was that he also moved a rock about the size of a medium-sized dog. On his own.
He might have a hernia... It is usually me who is the poorly one so I hate it when the tables are turned as I can't control a situation. We will definitely visit the GP in the morning.

5th April
Caz didn't sleep particularly well as he just can't get comfortable. Now this morning he is complaining of feeling dizzy, nauseous and feverish.

We managed to get an appointment for 9am with a GP.
It is unfortunately a GP Caz doesn't really have much faith in. But fingers crossed she will take him seriously.

She didn't even really acknowledge us as we came in the room. Then after a few moments she asked what was up. Caz described everything and then she asked if he could go do a urine sample. Once he was back she poked and prodded his belly and he said she was actually quite heavy handed.
At no point did she really say anything. She asked us to go and book him a blood test for as soon as possible. So out we went feeling very confused and saying that was the weirdest appointment we've ever had. It was just all so surreal. We didn't yet have any answers.
The earliest blood test available was Monday, not much use.
Still feeling quite unsure, we sat around in the waiting room and then heard Caz's name on the tannoy again.
We went through and she just printed off something and put it in an envelope and said could we go to the surgical assessment unit at our local hospital. So I asked "what are your thought" and only at that point did she say what she thought was maybe wrong with Caz - "I think he has a hernia".
It puts the fear of God into you when people aren't communicating with you, alleviating your fears or answering your questions.

We popped home, packed an overnight bag for Caz, got a book, picked up his medications and then we set off for hospital.

Luckily, as we were referred, we just had to go straight to the ward the surgical assessment unit was on.
Caz was given a bed and seen by one of the doctors. He was asked loads of questions about what he was feeling, how he thinks he ended up like this and they poked and prodded him some more.

The first doctor wasn't 100% sure so wanted his senior to poke and prod too. We saw her about an hour later and she recommended blood tests and an abdominal x-ray to confirm or dismiss their thoughts on a hernia. They couldn't feel anything obvious, but wanted to completely rule it out.

So he eventually had blood tests taken by the doctor.

By now Caz was feeling a little reassured and started to relax enough to read a magazine - Rail!

I was starting to get really hungry, tired and sick myself now! Being pregnant and sitting around in a hospital all day is not really the best situation for a pregnant lady!
I went down to the cafe and got us both sandwiches (Caz was allowed to eat and drink normally), crisps, biscuits and cold drinks.

The process of starting to eat the sandwich meant the porter immediately arrived to take Caz down to x-ray!

I popped downstairs again to see if the pharmacy was busy as I do need to put my hospital repeat prescription in, but it was heaving. So I went to the cafe to get a coffee and on my way back the queue had disappeared. I have to order my immunosuppressants at hospital as the GP doesn't feel comfortable prescribing them as they can't monitor you. So you have to usually phone an answer phone to put in your prescription. It all worked fine being in person. The woman went to get my file and then an hour or so later she actually phoned to say it was all ready! Now that is service!

Well, all the blood tests were normal. Just the x-ray to be checked over now and then hopefully we can go!

The board above Caz's bed said, Lynda Griffiths! So that is his name now...!

Yep! Xray is also normal. They think he has pulled a muscle and has a completely unrelated virus causing the dizziness, nausea and fever.
So we are finally free!

We were home by 6pm. Such a long and worrying day but we can rest now.

6th April
I'm so tired! 😪
I phoned the doctor surgery as I just can't concentrate on anything now. I feel so distracted and don't enjoy anything any more. I haven't been able to pick up a book and read a few pages, I haven't done any cross-stitch since Monday, I get nervous doing anything apart from relaxing on my bed or sofa. I feel nervous even just going for a walk for the worry that it might make me bleed again.

I managed to get an appointment for 11:20.
It is the GP that referred to my baby as 'product'. I'm really nervous now. I just want someone to listen and understand me.

Well, the GP is a dickhead. She doesn't have a sympathetic bone in her body.
I told her I am expecting after loss and am really struggling with that. I also told her that I bled and ended up in A&E and even bled as recently as Tuesday. I feel nervous and like I don't even know what is right and what I should do.
"treat it as a normal pregnancy"
I looked tearfully over to Caz and said "there is no chance I can ever do that, I'm terrified".
I told her how exhausted I am. "tiredness is a normal symptom of pregnancy. But I'm EXHAUSTED.

In the end, I told her I had mentioned light duties and working from home to my manager but his manager is off. So could I have 2 weeks signed off to have discussions and make a decision.

That was literally like pulling teeth.
It was painful.

If it is possible, I feel even more anxious now because I have been dismissed by the medical profession.
I am beating myself up about feeling fearful. You shouldn't be feeling like this. This is normal, stop being a drippy idiot.

Well, where the medical profession gives up on me alternative therapy can bolster me and pick me up.

I have contacted a local alternative therapy clinic that, amongst other treatments, does acupuncture. That definitely gives me something to at least put my hope into and keep me going.

Come Monday I will phone my midwife and see if they can do anything with anxiety and I will call the psychologist that is attached to the renal unit. He helped me after my miscarriage, so I'm hoping chatting to him again might give me some tips and advice to control my anxiety. It really is overwhelming.
I've also got that mindfulness course immensely coming up! I do feel a little more sense of renewed energy and hope. I do know I need some assistance though. I admit that I am struggling.

7th April

It is 9 weeks today!
I literally can't believe we have made it to 9 weeks.
I know we got further last time (11 weeks 6 days), but I have had bleeding on and off since, what, week 6?
It has felt a long time already and thinking about getting through another 31 weeks when the last 3 weeks have felt like 30 weeks seems ridiculous.

I have to admit, I do feel very self conscious after the photo is taken. I feel so fat. I don't look pregnant. I worry that I'm doing this and it will end up in nothing again. I guess I am just feeling very sensitive at the moment.

Well, the next F1 race is tomorrow! Bahrain this time.
That will be a nighttime race.
Qualifying was today and that was pretty good.

Verstappen spun out. It made him look like a rookie, losing it on a curb in a corner, but apparently there was a surge in power and it gave him 100 odd more horsepower! So he accelerated as he normally would have and it just gave him a burst of energy he wasn't expecting.

I felt Gasly in Torro Rosso did very well. I had only been slating them this morning saying I was hoping for more as Sainz was so good when he was with them and they were always usually top 10 but these lads have been like the bottom 5.

8th April
I'm struggling to even get up in the morning now.
I lie there willing myself to move but I just can't. It feels so difficult.
I know physically I am fine. But mentally, I am floored.

Breakfast was a mixed pack of mini danish pastries. That was really nice to have a bit of everything. No decisions to make, no flavours to pick, just half of each mini pastry between Caz and I.

We watched the build-up to and first race of the BTCC.
I love BTCC and have followed it for 6 or 7 years now. We have been to 4 different rounds - Donnington once and Oulton Park about 3 times.
I felt like I watched it without really taking anything in. It is like looking without seeing. Or listening but not really hearing or understanding. You are there in body but your mind is far away in another place like on planet Worry and Fear.

At one point today I went for a nap as my head was pounding and I just felt like a disgusting human being.
Caz came up too. I asked him why he was there. "I am tired too". Do you even understand tired?! I just want to be alone. I don't even really want Caz's or Walter's company. I want to fester and suffer on my own.
I ended up bursting into tears. I think being let down by the GP has really shaken me. She didn't even humour the thought that I might be having mental issues. She just dismissed me.
I thought I knew what was what, but I really doubt everything now, including myself.

I felt a little more normal after my nap. Still uncertain but functioning.

I sat in the garden for a few minutes while Caz did some things on the car and tested out his new drill (he bought a Ryobi drill and impact driver for his birthday). .
There is heat  in that sun! I didn't feel cold!
When he had finished what I consider to be faffing, we went for a short walk.
I think it was nice to have a little top up of vitamin d, feel warm and see the outside. It is quite peaceful here. Nothing but birds chirping, sheep baaing in the fields and the occasional bus driving by.
We actually even saw a farmer come out and pick up a sheep and her newborn lamb. I think he likes to have them nearby the farmhouse so he can keep an eye on them. The lamb looked so unsteady on his feet and still quite damp looking. He must have literally been mere hours old, if that.

Well, time for the second F1 race of the season.
Red Bull came into engine issues. Ricardo had such a high hope of battling at the top but his engine switched off; everything just went blank so he had to pull over and concede. Not long later Verstappen had a broken diff and had to give up.
Alonso looked like he was having fun battling other drivers. Raikkonen had a nasty incident in that he was released from the box when he pitted but the guys working on the rear left wheel weren't done yet. They hadn't even managed to get the old wheel off. Him driving away knocked one of the men and he unfortunately broke his leg in 2 places. Poor chap. That was the most unsafe release I've witnessed. Only just last week were Haas reprimanded for releasing both of their drivers from the pit box for them to have their wheels come loose. I know Raikkonen was only following orders, but this wasn't right. Someone will have a heavy fall for this. It just isn't right.
Because Raikkonen was then out of the race, Hamilton managed to claw back up from 9th to end on the podium alongside Bottas who surely could have done more and Vettel who despite the odds hung on to the top spot and even had to drive 10 laps on tyres that were 'done'.
Someone who really shone too was Gasly. He finished fourth and really held his ground and kept a big gap between himself and the next car. Fair play to him!