7th May
We didn't know if our baby was a boy or a girl, they were too small to see.
We'd looked at family trees and so many names were being added to our maybe list.
Jesse struck as it was quite neutral. It would work for either sex.
I now collect 'J's wherever I find them! Candles, cushions, led lights... I surround myself with Jesse and it helps me feel close.
We had a properly chilled day yesterday!
It was such lovely weather that we just wanted to lounge in the garden and read. Knowing the roads would be busy too helped us make that decision. We wanted to stay away and just keep out of the mayhem.
I was relaxing reading Insomnia by Stephen King - yes, I'm still reading it!
In between, I would dip into a book called Mindful Birthing. I am reading as an accompaniment to the mindfulness course I'm completing.
I actually bought this book for our last pregnancy but never got a chance to read it. It follows the same 8-week course but with pregnancy and birthing in mind.
Where you might do a body scan meditation, you can complete that, but if your baby is moving and you can feel it you are welcomed to just pay attention to that for the meditation session whilst being aware of your breath.
It is looking to be quite useful and I hope to be able to have as little intervention and pain relief during my birthing experience. They ask you to focus on your breathing and if you have pain breathe into it.
But the excellent quality of mindfulness is that it teaches you acceptance. Even if nothing goes to plan this course will give you the strength to accept what is best for you and your baby. It gives you that power to calmly move off-piste and into unexplored territories without fear.
8th May
I found this image on http://zerosophy.com
I'm not sure anger really featured in my grief. Briefly perhaps.
You see how some young couples who don't even particularly want kids are firing them out left right and centre. There are people who have a one night stand and then end up having an abortion.
It is always the good people that have the bad luck.
Why are the couple's who would be the best parents in the world infertile or experience baby loss?
It just doesn't seem fair.
But anger is draining and this life is hard enough without hanging on to negativity.
I try and be positive and hopeful and forever moving forwards with gratitude and acceptance.
Work went well. I needed a nap in my car during my lunch break and I ate my food at my desk. I wouldn't have got through the day without a nap. But in the end, I made it through to 4pm! I think I am there, I've cracked it, I'm back to full time!
When I got home, I did a workout with the turbo trainer on my bike.
Caz had to put in quite a lot of effort to get it up and running for me. First, my bike had the wrong kind of axle - it needed to be hollow to put a spindle through for the turbo trainer on the rear wheel. The first tool Caz bought to remove the gear hub was weak and badly made so that instantly disintegrated. The next one did the trick.
We then realised it would be a thousand times better if I got rid of the knobbly hybrid tyres and get something smoother so that it didn't rattle me to pieces.
So, now it is all up and running, it is now perfect and I hope to make use of it at least twice a week doing strength training and yoga in-between to give my body a full workout.
The turbo trainer has 6 resistance levels and then you can change up and down the gears on your bike to alter the difficulty too.
I decided as I am only starting out after ages not going out on a bike, that I would do a short and sweet workout.
I did:
1-minute warm-up
3 minutes at level 1
2 minutes at level 2
1 minute at level 3
2 minutes at level 2
3 minutes at level 1
1-minute cooldown
I'm not sure this is the greatest workout but I do hear pyramid style workouts are good.
It felt good and my thighs felt they had done something.
I needed a quick nap again after all that excitement while Caz cooked us dinner!
I did the body scan meditation! I felt a lot more aware and awake so that is quite novel.
I then proceeded to have lots of cramp in my left calf all evening. Hideous. I felt like I might pass out at one point!
Good job I had bought some leg and foot gel from Waitrose! So I got Caz to massage it into my calf and it felt a lot better. I read that stretching the calf muscle and applying heat can really help too. It did ease it a lot for me.
A couple other tips were having more magnesium and calcium. I hadn't heard of this before, I knew about potassium previously. So that is a new one on me!
9th May
This prompt evokes a fair bit of emotion for me.
After my miscarriage, I blamed myself.
Was it something I did? Perhaps I knocked my belly leaning over a counter.
Was it something I ate? We had a family BBQ before I knew I was pregnant and drank a fair few beers.
Did I do too much exercise? I had downloaded a prenatal workout app and was following the first trimester workouts.
Did I get too stressed? I was under a fair amount of pressure at work. I was often the sole person in on the orders desk and was tasked with updating all the order trackers to a new system while also training a new member of staff.
I hated myself and my body.
Why did my body have to fail me?
Am I incapable of carrying a baby to full term?
I felt like it was all my fault. I was the one tasked with growing and caring for this baby and I wasn't even able to do that.
But with time passing, I have slowly come to the conclusion that I have to accept it was just 'one of those things'. I know a lot of other baby loss Mamas won't find comfort in that, but for me to know that there was probably a problem with the egg development or that there was an issue with the fetus actually brought me some amount of comfort.
I have spent a lot of time on self-care and have realised I've been through a lot and didn't deserve to be punished.
My body has done some amazing things over the years and I'm sure it will surprise me with its strength and resilience many times over again.
Thank you body.
I didn't need a nap!
I went to the hospital first thing to do some follow up blood tests due to my medication dosage changes.
I was told to pick up the blood test forms in the renal unit, but the forms weren't there.
I had a little wait while someone reprinted them for me. I hope we've selected the right tests!
I then walked back down to the phlebotomy area and was 6th in line. It didn't take long to be fair as there are 2 'vampires' taking the blood.
Once I was finished, I walked around to the obstetrics department to chase up my follow up appointment. The receptionist there was a bit of a jerk, to be honest. I don't know if she was just having a bad day but you should never take it out on others, especially in a client facing role. I didn't have my handheld maternity notes on me and I don't tend to know my hospital number and so she obviously thought I was a complete airhead. She huffed and rolled to the computer and input my date of birth and found me that way.
No appointments coming up, only with Dr Alejmi.
So... What do I need to do now? Who do I contact? She wrote down a number on a piece of paper. Turns out that number was wrong when I tried it and I was put through to the right person. My appointment will be in a fortnights time. A bit too far in the future for the hospitals liking but there we go.
I'll try and contact my midwife in the meantime and go from there.
It is my mindfulness course tonight and I really am not feeling it. Little things went wrong during the day - I spilt smoothie on the floor and counter, the blood test forms weren't ready, the receptionist was horrible. You just feel out of sorts if things start to go wrong and it isn't any one thing that pushes you over the edge but each little thing adds to the annoyance and pressure on you.
I thought about contacting them to say I couldn't go, but who likes a quitter. I'm not ill or incapacitated so I should go.
We are doing mindful movement tonight. I wore my FittaMamma workout leggings, top and a hoodie with trainers.
I looked a little out of place but I don't care really.
We had to lie on the mat and focus on our breathing. There was a set sequence of movements that we will follow with a CD for the homework.
https://www.bangor.ac.uk/mindfulness/audio/index.php.en
From what I remember, you had to stretch your arms upwards above your head, then raise one leg while rotating your ankle and flexing your foot and then swap and do the other leg. After that, you brought your knees into your chest (which I had to modify for obvious reasons) and then stretch one leg at a time in this same way. Then you lay on your back again with your knees up and feet on the floor and let your knees drop to one side with your head looking in the opposite direction and repeat on the other side. There was also some movements on your hands and knees from tabletop position to arched back.
I had been quite anxious about the movements as I didn't know how intense they would be and how I would approach them with having my little bump. But, as ever, I needn't have worried.
However, I can't even explain how uncomfortable it was. I got a cramp in my toes, it spread to the arches of my feet. I could feel my left calf muscle twitching and start to spasm. My back was tense and tightened up a few times. My heartburn was burning me to a whole new level. I basically wanted to crawl into a hole and give up.
I really didn't feel it.
I thought with how much I exercise that I would get through it okay. But for whatever reason, my body just really isn't happy at the moment. I will try and have a bath tonight and see if that eases my muscles and perhaps a little yoga to stretch it all out.
We then did a 3 step breath meditation, otherwise known as 3-minute breathing space. You had to acknowledge what your thoughts were, any emotions going through your mind and sensations in the body. You then gathered yourself and focussed on your breathing and where you felt it the most. Finally, you awakened and took your concentration into your body again and wider into the room and your surroundings. Quick, easy and relaxing. Quite grounding. We have to do this 3 times a day. Always bringing yourself back to your breath.
Homework will be body scan every other day, mindful movement every other day, unpleasant events diary and the 3-step breath.
10th May
The first is a butterfly cardboard box and in it, there is our bump to the baby book. We wanted to do something to mark our pregnancy and remind us of how it felt and so one day, our baby could look back at it and know how loved they were from day dot. We didn't get to fill in much of the book, unfortunately. I closed off the book with a heartfelt note to them.
The second is a small engraved wooden trunk with elephants on it. An elephant never forgets. There were 3 elephants on the front. Daddy elephant, Mummy elephant, and baby elephant.
We held a little remembrance service for Jesse in our garden. We asked people to bring along poems, hymns, lyrics, sayings, cards - whatever they felt right to read out or place in the box for Jesse.
We kept everything. I look through it all occasionally but it does cause an ache in my heart.
There was so much hope and so much love for Jesse but no fruit was born on the tree. The love had no outlet and so remained bottled up as sadness and sometimes anger for much of the family. Us as the parents, the Grandparents, and Auntie all were touched by Jesse and we all had our own personal outpourings.
We will keep you in our hearts until we can hold you in our arms.
I had a bubble bath to try and help my crampy and achy legs.
I used Maternelle Mum to be bath soak. It had the added ingredients of rosehip, vitamin e, and lavender. It created a lot of long lasting bubbles with just 4 of the little caps of bubble bath. My skin felt amazing afterwards.
It didn't help my cramp, unfortunately. Literally, as I was trying to climb out of the bath my toes immediately cramped up. I just can't win!
You know how I said I had been feeling out of sorts, well that has been continuing. Caz thinks I'm annoyed at him but I just can't pick my emotions up and feel any happier. I feel a lot of pressure to be happy and excited as I am expecting but all I want to do is cry and feel numb.
I was woken up in the middle of the night by a sudden tensing feeling in my lower abdomen, like a cramp but not like period cramping. It made my heart palpitate and I felt like I might faint. It passed as quickly as it began.
My first fear was baby is coming now, it is all ending and something is wrong. I can't get that out of my head. I'm really worried this is the beginning of the end again.
I slept so lightly after that. I think I got around 5 hours sleep judging from my Garmin.
I thought if I'm awake anyway, why not do the body scan meditation. So that is what I did. It was about 4am and I was lying propped up in bed by pillows doing the meditation as the dawn started and the birds began to sing.
I hope things improve. I just really don't feel I can hack this. Knowing I've failed before at being pregnant does raise the bar a lot and you worry that baby is already dead or your body just doesn't have a clue what to do. I hope I can just put my trust in nature and ease back on the worrying.
11th May
You can't stop time.
You can't go back in time.
The only way is for time to slowly tick onwards. Progressing minute by minute, hour by hour.
People say that time heals. But in the midst of sadness, you feel that is just such a flippant remark.
Perhaps, it would be better imagined like a toys arm being sewed back on. It isn't perfect, it isn't broken so maybe it is healed. It is a new version of what it used to be.
My GP put it the best to me early after my miscarriage. It doesn't get easier but you get stronger.
You definitely progress. You start to function again. That isn't to say you don't stumble, that is inevitable and you wouldn't be human if you didn't.
You learn to live with the passage of time and the situation you find yourself in.
Just know that. Put hope in that. You learn to carry the load you've been given and the days get lighter and the future seems brighter.
Work was quiet. My energy levels are a lot better now. I think I'm finally feeling the benefits of the second trimester!
It is a little disconcerting though as without symptoms you do doubt everything is okay.
We had a quiet evening and caught up with world rally coverage from Argentina and feasted on pasta and garlic bread!
12th May
I've not actually experienced too many triggers, to be honest.
Seeing a pregnant lady won't set me off, I might just think I wish that was me and one day it will be.
Seeing tiny babies might make me think that could have been mine and I wonder what milestone they would be at now.
I know only in months how long since I lost Jesse. I believe if I worked it out and knew the weeks and days it would hurt too much. I'd rather bumble along with limited knowledge so I don't have something additional to upset me.
We went out to the Caernarfon Festival. We thought it was amazing!
There were loads of food and drink, things to eat there and then and items to take home. There was also craft stalls such as jewellery, cute home decor and even organic baby clothes. Music was featured throughout - I heard someone singing with a guitar near one pub and there was also a brass band doing jazzy numbers marching through the town. There was even some livestock with sheep being sheared and piglets and baby calves to ogle over!
There were stalls on the Maes square, down around the castle, on the front and along the docks.
The weather was perfect and we had a really lovely time!
We spent the evening eating our purchases and watching a movie - Aliens v Cowboys.
It could have easily been a naff film but the cast was pretty good with Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford, amongst others.
The synopsis I found online is:
Bearing a mysterious metal shackle on his wrist, an amnesiac gunslinger (Daniel Craig) wanders into a frontier town called Absolution. He quickly finds that strangers are unwelcome, and no one does anything without the approval of tyrannical Col. Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford). But when Absolution faces a threat from beyond Earth, the stranger finds that he is its only hope of salvation. He unites townspeople, outlaws and Apache warriors against the alien forces in an epic battle for survival.
It was an entertaining film but I'm not sure we would watch it again!
13th May
A butterfly so I can whisper I love you and it will fly my message to Jesse. A moon and star because my parents named a star after Jesse.
I wanted something perfectly unique, just like my baby, to show my love for Jesse.
It will be there forever and a day on my arm and I can always look at my tattoo and feel a sense of peace and calm knowing I did something right by them.
Today, my Dad is having an operation.
He broke his wrist a couple weeks ago. When he noticed that seagulls were attempting to nest on his roof he decided to take matters into his own hands.
He took a ladder up on to the garage roof and was going to use the hose to move on the birds to discourage them from nesting.
The ladder slipped. Dad fell onto the garage roof and the ladder fell into next door's garden.
It could have ended so much worse.
So after going to fracture clinic and going for a cat scan, he was scheduled to go to the hospital yesterday to have a pin and bone graft to heal his wrist.
However, there was an emergency and he got pushed back down the queue. However, they managed to find a bed for him and so he was scheduled for 2nd on the list today.
I had quite a blub at the time he was due in surgery. I hadn't had a chance to message him to wish him well and I found out my Mum was at home looking after the dogs. Knowing he was on his own I got really upset and hoped that he wasn't scared and knew that he was loved.
But of course, I was just being melodramatic as he is my Dad, all went well and he was being allowed home the same day.
I know my Mum is a nervous driver and so Caz and I offered to pick her up and break my Dad out of the hospital.
He seemed quite pleased to see us and everyone was grateful we were able to help out.
Caz and I picked up a Chinese takeaway on the way home as by now it was getting a bit late and we wouldn't want to cook by the time we got home.
We sat feasting on our satay pork and sweet and sour king prawn meals while watching the highlights from the Spanish F1 Grand Prix.
A perfect way to round off a long evening but a lovely weekend.
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