30th April
Back to work!
I got up with the alarm. I resisted the temptation to snooze and get up 10, 20 or 30 minutes later!
The night before I had sorted a healthy snack for mid-morning at work, filled a bottle with water and slices of lemon and lime, made sure everything was in my handbag, sorted my medications out, made a batch of overnight oats and I even decided on what I would wear and placed it on the stool by my dressing table.
All I had to do was get up, washed and dressed, eat breakfast and leave!
I turned up to work earlier than my normal start time of 8am - at least I could then leave earlier too!
I had a chat with my manager, Rob, and he agreed to a phased return and reduced hours initially at least.
We also talked about what has been going on and he wanted to get my thoughts on an idea of how my role could change (at least temporarily).
My role is an Orders Coordinator. I oversee the orders desk and when no one else is available I will provide cover.
I field the requests and communications from the clients. It could be requesting a document be scanned from our warehouse, a tape is transcribed to newer media so they can access it or something else entirely.
It can be fast paced and you are the port of call for the orders team, scanning team, stores team and often the client support department too.
The feeling is that I should now base myself in a role that is a little slower paced and less stressful.
There is a big scanning project running and they need someone to pass the scanned images through a quality control. Then if they pass to input the metadata from the image on to our data management system.
This is a role I've done previously about 9 years ago! It sounds quite straightforward and the fact that there are no targets, it is helping out the company, there is zero stress and this is all digital work and so no lifting, bending, twisting.
It ticks all the boxes really for the time being.
I will still be on hand to advise and train the orders team, should they need it, but I imagine I will mostly be working on this project.
I was surprised how well I handled going back to work. It was quite quiet in the office. A few desk moves have gone on and perhaps a few people off.
I got a couple welcome back and how are you doing comments. Apparently, quite a few asked after me to individuals I talk to. Just a bit of a shame no one really reached out to me and asked. I did feel a little uncared for... I guess I will face some of these people tomorrow...! I understand that perhaps they were just giving me space, but whenever someone is missing from work I always message them to ask how everything is. It just feels a shame that no one could be bothered to do that with me. A few closer people at work, who I consider friends, did give me a shoutout and showed concern for me. But the difference, perhaps, was that these people are also the ones I felt able to tell early on in my pregnancy about what was happening.
Well, here is proof I was at my workplace!
During the month of May, I will be exploring my grief journey and following some prompts to help me to photograph, write or create what is in my heart and mind.
So please bear with me while I process this.
I'm not 100% sure how I will tackle these. Will I just create a photograph for each prompt or will I write some lengthy passage about what the sunrise means to me? I've heard creativity mentioned in relation to this so I'm not sure if that means artwork or craft or something more along those lines. But I guess it is just what is important to me and how I can best put across each item.
I caved and bought some FittaMamma fitness gear!
I'm doing the workouts literally every other day, interspersed with yoga, and I am already noticing I feel stronger. I still have poor endurance and get out of breath easily but I'm able to get through all the reps and sets now and will think about adding some plates to my dumbbell soon!
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| Narrow squats |
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| Sumo squats |
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| Row |
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| Lateral pull-down |
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| Workout Complete! |
1st May
Today is day 1 of may we all heal. You can search for this on social media - #mayweallheal and #MWAH2018.
I will be posting here on my blog as well as on Instagram. You can find me on there as @rosettafaery
So sunrise.
I woke up at 05:43. I believe that was exactly sunrise! I think that was literally only 2 minutes after the sun actually rose.
This is the view from our bedroom window, looking towards Beaumaris. Peaceful. Serene. Beautiful.
I think the significance of sunrise for me is that after we lost Jesse life continued.
Even though it felt like our lives were over and would never be the same again, the sun still rose, the birds still sang in the mornings, people still went about their business and life continued.
You don't get over grief but you learn to live with it. You become stronger and more able to carry this burden along for the ride with you. Some days it is heavy and big and other days it is more manageable.
I came across a wonderful video that brilliantly explains how grief changes over time.
Work went well. I am starting to make a dent in my emails and am almost at the point where I can get started with new tasks for the project I am moving to.
It didn't help that I didn't have access to the right folder! So once that is sorted, hopefully by tomorrow, I can get the team to show me what is what and I can get cracking!
I felt so drained when I got home. I ate my lunch and then went for a nap. When I woke up I was still feeling exceptionally tired and almost zombie-like. I don't really know what caused the sudden loss of energy.
It could partly be down to an event filled morning at work. One lad had an epileptic fit and another was fired after multiple warnings about the accuracy of his work. Such a shame for it to come to this, but I presume work went through all the avenues at this was the last resort.
I managed to squeeze in my body scan meditation. Today, I sat against an exercise ball that was propped up against a wall. I put a cushion on the ball to support my neck and head. It was remarkably comfortable and I didn't feel the usual tension in my back from sitting up straight and I actually didn't feel like I might nod off. Perhaps that was down to the fact that Walter was fussing around me!
I haven't managed to practise the meditation as much as I would have liked; I ended up having 2 nights off from doing the practice.
But, I imagine a fair few others achieved around the same level as myself or perhaps even less with their busy routines.
I do feel I have got a lot out of the practice and understand not to force sensations now but merely to observe. I'm still getting used to 'breathing into' my body. That is an unusual sensation or process, purely because it isn't scientifically possible with knowing the biology of the body. I just picture a light moving up and down my body to breathe in and out. It works for me. You do have to switch and change things so that it works for you.
2nd May
I think today's prompt means different things to different people.
To me, it brought to mind the beginning of my previous pregnancy.
I did a bit of a comparison of then and now. I wanted to see how much we had changed. I cropped out the fact that I'm clearly pregnant in the now picture! 😏 I think we might announce this weekend - a few people are starting to cotton on and figuring it out so we will have to put something out there so no one has any doubts if this is just a food baby!
We were so naive. We knew of miscarriage, of course, we did, but it wasn't something that would happen to us. We were happy, excited. Little did we know what huge challenge lay ahead of us or how much it would change us.
It could have made or broken us. We choose to allow it to bring us closer together.
Now, we're different; we've discovered the new us. We feel more in love than we've ever been. We'll get there a little at a time and should we falter, the other will help to pick us up again.
But we're still standing!
That was the best I could imagine dealing with this prompt. The post might be full of emotion and grief but it doesn't necessarily represent my mood now but more of a summary of the past 8 months.
I went for a blood test before work. The renal unit just wanted to double check my figures between appointments. The phlebotomy unit only opens at 9am so I went in a little late to work.
All went quite straightforwardly.
I finally have access to the project area at work! But now I have discovered there is a piece of software I will be needing. If it isn't one thing it is another!
But I can muddle my way through as it is, it just isn't ideal.
It was all change from what was planned for me to do. I was to QC scanned images and then catalogue into our database system from the image.
Now, because they will it might be a better use of my time and skills, I will be still QCing the images but it is the second pass and then QCing the catalogue in the system. It is nice to have something to do and that I can manage my own time and when I have breaks and that.
As much as I love my orders role, it is really nice to take a back seat and not to have to think too hard or deal with various stressors. Not having to even worry about my emails other than just to keep in the loop has been wonderful too! I can just get on with my job and then catch up with everything else in between. Perfect.
The big garage build has begun!
The mindfulness session at Bangor University was really positive.
It started with a body scan meditation and I am pretty sure I dozed off by the time we got to the top of the left foot, that must literally be 2 or 3 minutes into the meditation...! Clearly, I needed some extra sleep. Your body knows what it needs and does as it pleases!
We then followed up with some logic puzzle.
You had 9 dots in front of you on the page and you have to join all dots using only 4 lines, without lifting the pen or retracing your steps.
Most of us thought it was some sort of trick or cheat and it was actually impossible. I was staring at it and perhaps a bit like my number blindness when a maths question is thrown my way, my mind literally switched off and I had no idea where to even start.
The hint is: Think outside of the box.
So as not to give away the answer, I will post a link to the solution.
1 individual got this right out of the group of 21 people!
I understand the aim of this was to perhaps change or lower your expectations. When you try too hard you won't get the most out of mindfulness. I found I was forcing myself to feel something when I was doing the body scan but actually I just need to take a step back and notice what is actually there and if there is nothing, then that is okay.
We then did a visualisation. We had to picture a street and we are walking down it. We see someone we know and say hello to them but they don't respond. What thoughts pop into your head? What feelings do you experience and what sensations in your body to you feel?
For me, it was annoyance I felt. Basically, I thought "pfft, whatever wanker!"... I felt snubbed and wanted to display my displeasure. I felt a tension in my chest. Not enough to want a fight but enough to register and clock that into my memory banks to access again should this person ever need anything from me...! I am bad at keeping a grudge. I will be nice and civil but it will often be at the back of my mind that someone has done something to hurt me in the past.
I was an anomaly. 1 other person felt nothing they thought that perhaps the individual was just too busy. Everyone else, without exception, felt embarrassed and surprised with feelings of being flushed.
I guess that says something about me and I should think about practising more patience and understanding that people are busy and aren't always present and aware of what is happening around them. Even for me, I find I am in my own little world and don't always notice people I pass until they suddenly wave in my face and are like "HELLOO Nikki!!!".
The homework for next week is to do the body scan meditation 6 times. We also have to be mindful about another routine task, notice something pleasant from our day and how it makes us feel and do 10-15 minutes of mindful breathing (at a different time to the body scan).
Lots of homework! It definitely is an investment in time but hopefully, it will all be worth it.
Bangor cathedral looked so peaceful after my mindfulness course session.
3rd May
It is funny that anxiety should be the prompt for today.
Anxiety is what has affected me the most over the last 8 months. In fact, I don't think it was exclusive to baby loss. I have suffered anxiety for a large portion of my life.
The above quote is quite a good definition of what depression and anxiety are.
Although, apparently this is a fake quote and is NOT a Lao Tzu quote but actually a translation of “Depressão é excesso de passado em nossas mentes. Ansiedade excesso de futuro. O momento presente é a chave para a cura de todos oa males mentais.” By Junia Bretas, a Brazilian motivational speaker.
Every day is a school day!
What does anxiety feel like?
For me, I feel like electricity is sourcing through me. My heart beats faster, my muscles are tense, my hands are sweaty, my breathing is shallow and quicker and my mind races.
You might have something lovely arranged like meeting a friend for coffee but then something will trigger in your head and your mind goes into catastrophe thinking. You think what if I am late, what if they don't turn up, is it because they don't like, should I even be in public, I will only make a fool of myself... You just start to think of things that sometimes aren't even remotely possible of happening.
A panic attack starts.
You literally feel like you are going to die. Are you having a heart attack? All the symptoms might feel like it but please believe you will survive.
It is draining though. You will feel shaken for ages afterwards and it will have sapped all of your energy.
Work was good if draining. I am unsure if it is just my energy levels or if it was just very stuffy in the office.
I am getting a little more into the groove now and building back up to a more normal routine.
I had a phone call during my day from Rebecca the transplant nurse with the renal unit. She had received the blood test results already.
My creatinine, the waste product measured to asses your kidney function, was 115 - the best it has been in a long time. Apparently, that is down to having more blood volume during pregnancy, so actually, the real figure is a bit of an estimate.
With my body being under a fair bit of pressure, the dosages of my medications don't look to be enough at the moment.
So my immunosuppressants have been increased. My Azathioprine has been increased to 100mg from 75mg once a day and my Adoport is now 2.0mg instead of 1.5mg twice a day.
I go back in a weeks time to see how these new medication levels are suiting me. They will then assess whether I need another iron infusion and if my Eprex, anaemia injections, needs to be increased.
At least they are keeping on the ball.
After work, I met up with Danielle, a fellow kidney transplant warrior.
We went to Pot Jam in Menai Bridge.
It was nice to talk to someone who has been there, done that. I was saying about my medications being altered and that seems to be a very normal part of the process during pregnancy. We also talked about being induced and it maybe doesn't sound half as scary as I initially thought. You hear some horror stories but as Danielle pointed out, we have been through lots in our lives and are quite tolerant of pain and procedures and so it shouldn't be too taxing.
Gethin, Danielle's baby, came along too. He is a cute, chunky little man! He was very happy blowing a sws to everyone!
Danielle is so warm and welcoming. I haven't actually met her before but had been 'Facebook friends' because of shared history and as she was part of the young person's renal group. But it was like meeting an old friend and not meeting her for the first time!
Danielle went for a pot of tea and a Victoria sponge which looked really nice and I had a latte and salted caramel cake slice - very rich and scrumptious!
I have to admit I was severely exhausted after my day.
I actually parked in a layby near my house to try and do the body scan, I didn't want to immediately go home as I wouldn't have peace and quiet there with the building work! But within 15 minutes a truck pulled up alongside and started filling potholes with tarmac! Not the most relaxing.
So I gave in and drove home.
The builders have made a crack on and have levelled the ground where the garage slab will be and it is really starting to feel real now!
As soon as I got in the house, at about 15:30, I immediately went to bed. I couldn't fall asleep. I just lay there and figured at least I was relaxing.
I got up when Caz got home and then he saw how tired I looked and encouraged me to go for a nap and he lay with me and held me so I could try and relax properly. That definitely helped! Within minutes I was apparently gently breathing away and twitching!
I am hoping my energy levels will pick up soon with reaching the second trimester. But, I guess with my levels being low it could be perhaps because my iron stores are low or I'm quite anaemic. Fingers crossed it improves shortly!
4th May
Here are photos of me a day before and 3 days after my miscarriage in August 2017.
In the first, I was bleeding quite heavily and feeling really rubbish.
In the second, Caz and I had just planted up a pot with an evergreen shrub in memorial of Jesse.
Both were quite emotive photos but I was still standing, still venturing outside, still getting up and trying not to just wallow in my sadness and grief. And yes, grief was even experienced in the first picture. By that point we knew there was no saving the pregnancy, we needed to say goodbye and we had to go into unmarked territory.
I've tried to keep going, as best I could. I needed a lot of help and support along the way, but I kept my chin up and kept smiling as even in the worst moments there is always something positive to focus on. Even if it is just something small like seeing a lamb 🐑 or the sun shining ☀️.
My day at work was pretty uneventful. A fair few people were off with it being a bank holiday weekend. I guess they are just wanting to make the weekend even longer!
So, I have got through my first week back at work. Yes, it is just a phased return and I've only been doing half days, but it is definitely a start.
I knew Caz would be going to get the groceries in this afternoon, so I messaged him and we arranged to meet in the car park at Lidl in Llangefni.
It is nice to do something so normal!
Caz is still on and off feeling quite under the weather after his stomach bug on the weekend. He is quite tired and needing a nap after work most days and an early night to try and build up his energy again. I happily joined him for a snooze!
I've messaged a few people to let them know we are expecting. There are a couple girls at work and one of the stores' guys that I told. We will be officially announcing on the weekend and I'll go back to work on Tuesday, in the warmer weather, with a more fitted dress and not be swamping my figure with baggy shirts and hoodies! I can finally take pride in my growing bump.
A few days ago, I ordered a subscription box that you can have to nurture your pregnancy.
Project B
You get a box a month with products and expert advice for you and your 'project'!
Each month you'll receive products, from relaxation to healthy eating, to household, to pampering, plus expert advice to match your month of pregnancy. You can sign-up for any month from 12 weeks.
I received box 1 today! I feel like a proper pregnant lady now! I'm officially in the second trimester!
Just a few goodies to enjoy and keep me and baby Moomin healthy!
We had our lovely relaxing bath together in the evening with some rose soap petals dissolved in the water. They weren't quite as nice as we might have imagined. They dissolved to some extent and then went rather slimy!
Bath bombs all the way for us!
5th May
I've possibly talked about isolation previously.
It is the fact that people find it difficult to talk about, or in some circumstances, even acknowledge death. It is a part of life. We are born, we live and we die. It is part of the cycle. But for some reason, it remains a taboo subject.
Your lost baby gets forgotten because people don't want to feel awkward and mention them for fear that it will upset you. I would like to know, how will admitting my baby existed going to upset me? I will, in fact, feel wonderfully warm that they were remembered.
Saying their name makes it all feel worth it. Jesse is a big part of my life and something that has greatly shaped who I am as a person. I realise what is important and know what stuff isn't even worth wasting my time on.
I know I will struggle to fit in at antenatal parentcraft classes. Most there will probably be first-time Mum's and don't want the negativity thrown in the mix that they will no doubt believe is attached to me. They will be like I was, naive to the fact that things can go wrong and besides, that won't happen to me.
They might believe I am a carrier of the miscarriage plague and that it is catching.
I know to pick my audience, when to mention my baby and when to keep them close to me and locked away in the safety of my heart.
Today has been an up and down day. I don't know if I just have more hormones flowing through me than usual causing my emotions to be all over the place. Or perhaps I am putting too many pressures on myself. I have been feeling so tired and that, in a way, brings back the memory of how absolutely rubbish I felt before I had a kidney transplant. It is dragging up old emotions.
I am stressing because I feel I should be doing crafty things but I just don't have the motivation to do anything. I am stressing because I haven't done the body scan meditation in 2 days now. I'm stressing because the house is a bit of a state but neither Caz nor I are in a fit enough place to be able to rectify that. Caz is still drained following his bug and after his potential hernia scare, he is unable to do any heavy work. Things are kind of catching up on us and piling up.
It is difficult as neither of us can really help the other at this time.
I have flown off the handle a couple of times and been in tears another couple of occasions. What is happening to me!
But the sun is shining and is set to continue all bank holiday weekend. There is always something positive to focus on.
After we did our weekly photo shoot, we put together some props to create our announcement photo.
We finally feel we have summoned enough courage to want to announce to the world that we are expecting. We are both still swirling with emotions from excitement and even starting to look at prams and nursery furniture to the next minute worrying if they are still alive and developing properly. It still feels a matter of 'if' baby comes rather than 'when'.
On our beautiful rainbow nursery rug, we placed a rainbow coloured babygrow with our dating scan photo. Alongside this, we put a Cath Kidston shopping bag and our plan was to put Walter in the bag and say "the cat is out of the bag".
He didn't comply and I think it potentially scared him a little. But with some treats, he did go into the shot and stood nearby the bag. Good enough for us!
He has since had lots more treats and been given his dinner a little early. He seems to have forgiven us now!
Yesterday, I messaged a few people that I know aren't on social media to let them know before we made the big announcement. These are friends or colleagues and I didn't want them to feel put out by missing out on the news or hearing third hand instead of from the horse's mouth.
I also messaged my friends who I know have been through baby loss too.
Seeing a pregnancy announcement, as happy as an occasion it is, really feels like a kick in the gut. You can feel devasted but try to drag up some happiness to congratulate the happy couple. I wanted them to know from me first to expect an announcement so that it didn't seem like it came out of the blue and triggered a whole host of feelings for them.
They seemed very much grateful that we thought to let them know. I know we appreciated it when Caz's cousin messaged us at Christmas to let us know they were expecting. Otherwise, we would have seen them and known straight away. It is better to be pre-warned in my experience.
Well, here it is. The cat is out of the bag!
6th May
On the 23rd of June, 2017 I saw 2 lines on a pregnancy test (well the word pregnant). This is the day I became a mother.
I began to grow, nourish, care for and love this little being inside of me.
Fast forward to the 15th of August 2017 and my baby decided to come 6 months too early. I had a miscarriage. I never had the opportunity to get a scan picture of my little baby thrashing away inside of me. I never got the chance to hold my baby, living.
But I did get to hold the intact pregnancy sac with my baby within it.
It was traumatising but I knew I'd regret it if I didn't do this.
It is upsetting that people say to me "you'll have a family one day and become a mother" because I already do have a family and I already am a mother but no one is able to acknowledge what they can't see or understand this.
I am a mother.
Today is a beautiful, sunny and warm day.
We debated about going to the cute seaside town of Beaumaris but in the end, we went to a National Trust venue of Plas Newydd.
We have been around the house previously and on that occasion, the weather wasn't the kindest to us and so we didn't see much of the garden.
We started by walking down towards the house and veered away along a beautiful little woodland path.
They say if you feel anxious then one of the key things you try is to go for a walk amongst trees. I don't know if it is the energy coming off from the trees. Some have been there decades, generations and perhaps even centuries with how big some of the old oak trees looked. It could be that trees give off oxygen and so breathing is easy while walking within the woodland. But it could be there are so many things to focus on from the sunlight dappling through the leaves to the tens of species of plants on the forest floor and perhaps even hearing so many different birds singing or crying away.
There were hundreds of bluebells thriving away under the cover of the trees.
The dappled sunlight breaking through the canopy of leaves was beautiful. Seeing glimpses of the perfectly blue sky was really a sight for sore eyes!
You picked up glimpses of the view towards Felin Heli and the mainland at various points.
The view opened out and we sat watching the jetskis and boats go by. It really was peaceful.
The meandering path opened out and you saw the side of the house. You can understand why they built the house here, surrounded by spectacular views.
We sat in a sheltered little courtyard for lunch by the cafe. There was surprisingly little choice for a pescetarian. I am mostly vegetarian but I do eat fish. The options were pork stew or pulled pork.
I ended up having a light bite of a cheese scone and then a flapjack. I must have had my fibre for the day!
Caz said that the pulled pork, with leeks and potato wedges, was very tasty. Just the right sized meal on a hot day.
I really liked my cheese scone and it was surprisingly filling.
The flapjack was coconut and fruit. It was packed with bits of apricot, raisins and sultanas. Recently, I have been noticing I perhaps can't process sugar. I go into a steep energy drop and just feel so zombie-like for hours afterwards. The flapjack was a tasty and healthier alternative.
There is a second-hand bookshop and a National Trust Gift shop (and toilets) by the cafe. Caz found a book he fancied in the bookshop - Lord of the Flies. They just ask for donations in an honesty box.
After we had seen all the garden we had missed previously and had our tasty lunch, we strolled back up towards the carpark.
We stopped at the ticket entrance where there is also another little gift shop and a cafe in an old dairy barn. We both had Môn ar Lwy little ice cream pots. This is locally made ice cream. It has only travelled 11 miles to end up in Plas Newydd. Now how is that for a small carbon footprint!
The flavour options were Chocolate, Mint Choc Chip, Strawberry, Blueberry and Vanilla. Normally, I would have tended to go for fruity flavours but something made me pick mint choc chip today - perhaps because it is quite zingy and refreshing! Caz went for chocolate and it looked really rich and yummy.
Sat on a bench, just outside of the dairy barn cafe, watching the world go by, a family playing football and another family playing with a frisbee with the sun beaming down just made this perfect. Caz remarked that with everything coming together it made this the tastiest ice cream he had actually had. It was really an experience! I guess that is mindfulness kicking in and absorbing triggers from all the senses and being aware of our surroundings.
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