Week 16

28th May

Long weekends are wonderful!
The alarm went off as usual but we didn't have to get up. That was so novel. Just turn it off, turn over and go back to sleep. Wake up when you were ready and your little energy meter was full again.

We sat outside to have our morning cup of tea. My in my pyjamas and Caz was dressed!

I read about mindful birthing, Caz had a fair few odd jobs to do.

It is just nice to move away from industrial time and feel like ticking away and just go with the flow and be at ease.
I think this is the ultimate cure for anxiety.

I found more things to wash today!
In our airing cupboard I had a few sets of towels or bedding that had gone a bit iffy so needed freshening up. I've washed and whitened a batch of white towels and then a batch of white bedding. Hopefully, it comes up nicer again.

We ate some Haagen-Daas Dulce de leche ice cream in the sun. Yummy! It was caramel flavour with caramel swirled through it.

I did a mindful movement meditation today!
My hips have felt really achy and uncomfortable. I wouldn't say it was a pain but more of a dull ache that is constantly there in the background. So I thought that maybe doing some gentle movement might help.
The Bangor University website has a whole host of other free meditation audio files that you can use. One was by someone called Taravajra. I found the website where he hosts his tracks. The mindful movement track I did was on CD 2, track 3. http://www.mindfulhealth.co.uk/mindfulness-meditation-audio-with-taravajra/

We just relaxed in the evening. We watched Handmaid's Tale (OMG, I felt so worked up and a bit scared afterwards!) and Task Master.

It was just a perfect weekend. You can't quite put your finger on why or what you did but it just felt right and Caz and I felt close and wonderful!

29th May

Back to the daily grind but it isn't all that bad as it is only a short week!

Well, my car didn't start. Wonderful.
But then I tapped into my training and asked myself is it within my circle of influence. No. I didn't cause this to happen, I can't do anything about it. I can control my reaction to it though.
Luckily, Caz was still around and so he told me to grab my stuff and go in his car. Lifesaver.

The car did start and Caz was able to get to work. No idea what the issue was, but the battery light was on, so maybe put it on charge tonight.

I then tuned in and looked at the sensations in my body - pain in my hip, feeling a little tense. What feelings did I have - frustration and flustered? What thoughts did I have - I am going to be late, this day is going badly.
Then I focused on my breathing and just breathed deeply for a minute or so.
Afterwards, when I tuned back in and asked myself the questions again I felt a lot calmer and more peaceful.

I do feel quite anxious about the pregnancy. Its just you are in that stage between appointments and not yet feeling regular movements and you start to catastrophise about what could be going on.
I wish I could feel more movements and just know that things are okay.

In the post I received an order I placed a little while ago on Wish.
I'm obsessed with Wish. The items I've ordered so far have been good quality despite being Chinese made (from what I'm aware). The items are really good value and packaged well. The postage might be a little steep sometimes but you can usually find an equivalent item with lesser postage. Some items might even be free and all you pay is postage.

Well, this time I ordered a harmony bell pendant necklace.

I have heard that these are great items to wear during pregnancy and beyond. There are coils or bells inside the pendant ball and these jangle lightly, like a windchime, when you move. The necklace is super long so that the pendant hangs down by your bump.
After your baby is born this sound will allegedly be familiar to them. You can then put the pendant on a shorter necklace, out of harm's way and the reach of little fingers. It should be able to soothe them when you are breastfeeding or even calm them during a tantrum later on during toddling stages.

I bought one with moon and stars in the design to feel close to Jesse too.
I love it!

PIZZA!
After fancying pizza on Friday or Saturday and finding out we don't even have one in the freezer, Caz promised to get Dominoes on two for Tuesday. Yum!

I cycled again tonight while watching more 13 reasons, but I think cycling is triggering intense cramp in the middle of the night.
I'm going to have to start doing some stretches after cycling to try and prevent it again. Previously it only affected my left leg but last night it was both. I literally thought I was dying and declared to Caz that it must be worse than childbirth. At least the pains of labour will rise and fall like waves (from what I've read) but cramp is just sudden and intense pain for a few minutes. It is disgusting being woken up from sleep and dreams to feeling like your leg is about to be snapped in two.

30th May

My day started with popping to the hospital to have another blood test.
After my medications were increased again after the renal clinic, I need to get checked to make sure my body is tolerating the new dosage.

I parked in the overflow carpark right in the furthest corner! I thought having a stroll in would be good for me. Christ, I was so out of breath. But to be fair it is a reasonable hill up to the hospital from that car park.
I walked around the building to the back where the renal unit is, waited a moment to get my breath back and then went in to get my blood test forms. Then, I walked through the corridors to get to the foyer where the phlebotomy clinic is. They weren't yet open as it was 08:57. I took a ticket and found a seat to wait. About 20-25 minutes later my number came up and although the needle really stung, it all went okay.

Strolling back to my car the sun was going in a little behind misty clouds.

Work was a little eventful. Two people were doing a sponsored silence for Mind. These are obviously the chatterboxes! They have managed really well with notes and such to get by. I'm really surprised, but they got through a whole 9am until 3pm day! Well done guys! I think they managed to raise around £175 in the end. Not too shabby!

There was a strange high pitched sound and it was only when one of the girls in the scanning team said 'the ground floor alarm is going off' that we realised it was connected to the disabled toilets. This was only installed a couple weeks ago and it hadn't been tested before so we weren't sure what to listen out for.
It turns out one of the lads on the project team I'm temporarily working with had a seizure as he is epileptic. They got an extension cable to him so he could have a fan on him and he was whisked away (I'm not sure if in an ambulance or with friends/family) pretty quickly to be cared for.

The mindfulness class tonight was really good. Since I've been getting on better with meditation it just feels a lot easier.
We did a sitting meditation and I felt really in the zone so to speak. When we finished I was in quite a dreamy and dazed state. I wouldn't mind feeling like that all the time!
We also talked about difficult communications and how fight, flight or avoidance are often some of the responses. But we can also 'dance' which I think is more a metaphor with allowing the other person's thoughts to come out and you almost waltz with them and take in their moves before you respond in your own way.
Useful ways of speaking can be to say "I feel frustrated when you..." rather than "you always frustrate me". It is a less confrontational way to approach things.

31st May

My ankles are so puffy! I really have a case of cankles now.
I sent a message to one of our sister sites to talk to their HSE advisor as ours is currently away. He is going to pop over tomorrow to assess my working space and see if we can do anything to make me more comfortable.
I am drinking plenty - I always have an 850ml bottle of water on me and must refill it at least once in the working day. I also move - literally every hour my Garmin reminds me to move and so I go to the bathroom, walk up to the top floor and back to my desk. I have also found out about rotating your ankles and flexing your foot to help with moving fluid on.

I'm still getting cramp but tonight I had it during the evening. We were just watching Ghost adventures and wham my foot started to cramp and then my calf. It is miserable. But I did find having just a few sips of tonic water helped. Whether that is a placebo or not I really am not sure! But it eased off enough for me to go to bed.
It did then kick in again with a vengeance in the night. It lasted around 5minutes. I was there shrieking in pain, crying, feeling like I might throw up, desperately rubbing my calf and trying to put my foot flat on the ground. Really getting fed up with it all now! I can't cope with another 5 months of this!

The other day I'd ordered a lot of bits and bobs for my hospital bag and baby's hospital bag. I want to be prepared even if part of me worries that that day will never arrive.

1st June

Today was a little bit of a pointless day. I was tempted to take the day off sick as I felt so tired from being awake with cramp. But I struggled in.
Turns out the bloody network was down! We had no internet, no access to emails and couldn't access the servers and drives. Nightmare. Apparently, a farmer went through a fibre optic cable cutting it and rendering all technology useless for miles around.

But I didn't just sit back on my arse. I was able to help my orders desk replacement barcode up a load of items for a big request. I was actually quite productive and a busy bee considering!
Luckily, I had made up a fair amount of time during recent weeks and so I was able to leave an hour and a half earlier than usual! Bonus!

It was so hot and humid... urgh!

Guess what?! I have managed to find the motivation to practise meditation at least once a day since the last class session. I'm definitely getting a little better at committing to this.

Unfortunately, Rebecca at the renal unit phoned me and said that they have decided they need to up my Eprex injections again. Dr Alejmi was all for making me take a million injections a week but Rebecca put her foot down and fought my corner. They have prescribed me a higher level injection and so I only have to inject twice a week now. These are 5,000 unit syringes. I can go and pick them up from the hospital pharmacy tomorrow morning.

2nd June

This morning we headed out to go to the hospital pharmacy. Typically, we go through Menai Bridge, over the suspension bridge and up a little lane to get to the hospital quickly and easily. Today, the road through Menai Bridge was at a standstill. We forgot that the town carnival was on!
So, we went back up towards home and along the main road to the A55 and Britannia bridge to get to the hospital that way. A little further but better than being stuck in traffic!

At the hospital, we walked along to the pharmacy and actually picked up my injections with no issues. Previously, I've had to dig out my hospital number or give suggestions of where the injections might be stored (they are kept in a refrigerator).
We had taken a frozen foods bag with us and so were able to pack it up and keep the injections good until we could get home to put them in the fridge. I understand it is fine for up to 48 hours not in the fridge.

Our plan for the day is to research prams. We've looked online a little but finding where to start is the difficulty. Also, there is no beating looking at a pram, feeling the quality, understanding how easy it is to manoeuvre and if you can fold the pram with just one hand.

First stop was Babi Seren - an independent retailer of baby items.
We walked in, briefly looked at the prams on display and quite quickly the woman behind the counter offered to help us. That was a godsend really! She was a wealth of knowledge!

First, she demonstrated Egg to us. There was the smaller Quail Egg and the Egg. We saw how lighter the Quail was but liked the heavier and more robust Egg. The Egg was a travel system with a detachable cot, pushchair and the option to use a car seat like the Recaro on the chassis. It was well built, came in a range of colours (but we didn't like the kind of glitzy leather options) and was easy to steer and folding it was a doddle. The handle height was adjustable too.

Next was the iCandy Peach. There was a dusk edition that we really liked. We don't yet know the sex of our baby but we would most likely buy quite a neutral colour either way. I don't want to enforce the gender stereotypes of pink or blue on our baby if we can at all help it. I was never a girly girl myself and much preferred to be making mud pies in the garden and wearing leggings and a Tshirt rather than dresses.
We felt the iCandy was much more manoeuvrable than the Egg, but maybe that is just a preference thing?!

Both are expensive but amazing...! We will have to see how far the budget extends.

The Recaro baby seat was amazing. It was suitable from birth to when your child is 105cm tall! It was the new specification of sizing using the iSize instead of the older ratings which came in during the 80s. It had removable padding so the seat can accommodate your child as it grew.
It also had an ingenious feature of being able to swivel. You flicked a button and the seat would face towards the door so you could put in and remove your baby without twisting and injuring your back. Then you rotated the seat again so it was facing rearwards again.
Of everything we need to buy for baby, the car seat is one we won't scrimp on. The pram is much of a muchness but the car seat keeps them alive. You can't ever be certain you will make it to your destination. Literally, every single journey I go on there are the elderly and idiots driving around you without any consideration for anyone. Suddenly pulling out on you, not indicating, on their phone. You feel you have to drive defensively and I recently took the step of getting a dashcam after several morons almost totalled me. Whatever the price, we will pay it. You will regret not forking out that bit of extra money if you were to crash and know your baby would have been saved if you'd spent that extra £300 on the car seat that passed every single safety test and more. They excel and exceed in every test they do. They buy prams so they can test their car seat on the chassis. You can't ask better than that!

By now it was lunchtime! So we went across the road to a sandwich shop and Caz had a chicken and stuffing bap and I chose a tuna baguette.

Next stop was Mothercare.
After being thoroughly ignored by a pair of chatting members of staff, the manager (I presume) emerged from the stock room, saw us, had a stern word with the employees and then came over to help us.
She demonstrated a lot of prams to us starting with the Mothercare own brand travel system called Journey. The cot bit converted into a pushchair by doing up a few clips on the back. Quite clever but this also meant it isn't certified for sleep, only naps really. To fold the frame you had to press buttons, slide bits up and then it folded in a bit of an ungainly fashion. Perhaps having seen the Egg and iCandy which I'm guessing are top of the range, this looked quite shonky and not thought through very well. We didn't like the car seat at all. It seemed flimsy and nowhere near as safe as the Recaro.
Silvercross and Nuna were also shown to us. Very nice but pricey but not quite as attractive as the iCandy! I think I might have expensive tastes. Both were really good and there was an offer on where some of the models you got a free car seat with them. Handy!
We really liked the more upper-level Mothercare pram called Orb. It used a similar folding feature to the more expensive prams, it even had a design so you could swivel the entire pram around with a quick twist of a button. It was a middling price but really good quality. I think this might be our winner.

Last stop was Smyths toy store.
We found the prams at the back of the store and not a single member of staff gave a monkey that we were there or even acknowledged us. No doubt, if we had asked for assistance there, would have been a sigh and resigned effort at helping us out.
But by now we knew what we were looking for and so just folded frames and removed cots and generally poked around and gave them a good test.
One travel system that looked nice was the Cosatto Giggle 2. It was fun and colourful unlike the sea of black or grey. It came highly recommended from several couples we know. But the 2 things that put me off were that the adjustable height handle was more changing angle that height and the handle had a foam grip instead of leather. After using numerous cycling machines and such I worry that it will degrade and fall apart over time... But maybe we dismissed this brand too quickly. Perhaps we need to look at it again and wheel it around and do a more thorough test on it.

To recuperate we went via McDonald's for frozen strawberry lemonades and then went on to the in-laws for dinner.
By now I was exhausted. Lots of walking, lots of standing and so much information to take in. We had to leave for home at 8pm as I was really flagging!

A good productive day all round!

3rd June

Today, I have a day's practise of Mindfulness. I really don't know what to expect and feel a little anxious about it.
I had a packed lunch, my bottle of water and a couple other bottles and cartons of drinks just in case. I also packed my yoga mat, 2 cushions and a blanket.
I went prepared in comfy clothes that I can move around in and layers so should it be hot or cold I could just remove or add layers as required!

To get to the university where the course is being held, I normally would go over the Menai Suspension bridge. But this was intermittently closed today due to filming.
It turns out that it was due to a Robert Downey Jnr film being recorded - The Voyage of Dr Doolitle!
I hope we all get free tickets due to the inconvenience!

Caz took me to the mindfulness day as otherwise, parking would be expensive! He even helped me in with my bits and bobs - my lunch bag, handbag and bag of cushions, mats and such!

I was nice and early so was able to grab a good seat and set up with a chair, meditation stool, mat and cushions.
There was a huge circle of chairs in the seminar room. They were estimating there would be around 40 people attending! Queue my nerves kicking in even more! There was our 8-week course, the advanced 6-week course, some distance learning people and also any previous graduates of the courses.
There was such a mix of people. Some around my age, lots of middle-aged and plenty of elderly people too. It is hard not to just judge books by the covers, but I felt quite glad of the group of people I usually practise with as they are quite fun and varied. The other group seemed more hippyish. A bit too alt for me and perhaps taking this mindfulness a bit too seriously!

The rules for the day - no phones, no talking, no reading, no writing and have no expectations.

Only the tutors would be talking.
They guided us through most of the meditations from the course, they read some poems they found poignant and emotive and they even read an inspirational story to us.

There were sitting meditations, mountain meditations, lying meditation (I lay on my left side what with having to think about my bump now), walking meditation, meditations where you tapped your body and others where you massaged your body.
All gave different sensations and brought up various reactions.

I started the day with a very busy mind and banging headache. During the first meditation, I could sense my mind just chattering although I couldn't pick out anything legible. I could even hear my inner voice saying 'wow, it is busy in there today' over the top of all the chatter.

In my home practices, I always struggled with patience. I wanted the meditations to just get on with it and finish already.
Today, my patience was really tested with meditation following on to the next meditation. The day was from 10am until 4pm with an hour's lunch.

In this lunch break, I ate my sandwich and snack-a-jacks before popping downstairs and finding a water cooler and coffee machine. I walked my coffee outside, around another building on the campus and crossed the road after spotting a small park and some benches overlooking the Cathedral.
I didn't talk the whole time but I did Whatsapp Caz with a couple photos to try and explain my day so far!

It was very peaceful in the park. There were 3 boys playing football, a seagull walking around behind me and the sun was warming on my skin with a refreshing breeze.

I returned back to the seminar room with time to settle back in, calm myself, gather my thoughts and be ready for the afternoon of practices.

The last poem of the day really hit me. All the other poems were nice or thought-provoking but this one was deep. I had a tear slip down my cheek during it and felt I had to breathe to control my emotions. It really brought up everything from my miscarriage and how I managed to find the strength to continue.

This was the list of the other poems and stories read out.

By the end of the day, my mind was completely at ease and my headache was gone.
I didn't struggle half as much with impatience as I thought I might have done. It was such a worthwhile day.

It was so novel spending an entire day just on myself and self-care.
It made me think that perhaps I will start to turn off all my tech at 4pm on a Friday and not turn it back on until 8am on a Monday. Being without social media makes me feel so much better. I need to learn to limit my use of it.

I will try and schedule my home practices more and every now and again do a few hours worth of meditations just to get myself back to how I felt on that day.