This week I'm trying to make a concerted effort at doing light exercise. It has been too hot to full-on exercise - cycling on the turbo trainer and doing any sort of exercise videos just aren't compatible with the heat and humidity.
So, I have been trying to walk more. I have started getting up every hour to walk up the stairs or around the outside of the building at work.
I have also taken to going for a walk on my lunch break to get a boost of vitamin D and to get my body moving in an attempt to prevent or lessen my puffy ankles.
A few days ago, I'd seen an offer on Lidl's Facebook page. Because they were going through a rename and rebranding exercise on their baby range they were offering a pack of nappies to everyone who submitted their details. I received these today!
I presumed it would just be a sample pack of nappies, but it was a full-on pack of 24! There was also a £5 voucher so that will come in very handy!
I had my whooping cough vaccination today with the practice nurse in the GP surgery.
I'd asked my renal consultant about it as I don't want to do anything that will contraindicate my kidney health. He was unsure and said he would need to look it up. I asked Rebecca and she said as long as it isn't live then it would be fine.
I checked on the NHS website:
"The whooping cough vaccine is not a "live" vaccine. This means it doesn't contain whooping cough (or polio, diphtheria or tetanus), and can't cause whooping cough in you, or in your baby."
So that was all safe and the practice nurse confirmed it would be fine.
I also had a midwife check-up. I had initially meant to cancel it as it fell in the same week as my obstetrics appointment but I had quite a few anxieties I wanted to quell.
I have been feeling flutters and flicking sensations, which I am guessing is the very early movements I'm picking up on. But for about 3 days I haven't felt a thing. I am really dreading having the doppler check me as I am so worried there will be no heartbeat and she will have to book me in for a scan which will be days away...
Well, I needn't have worried. Baby Massey is strong and we should know this by now, but it doesn't stop worries creeping in.
I asked the midwife a barrage of questions like how to prevent swollen ankles (drink plenty, limit sodium, keep cool, elevate your feet), how to stop cramp (eat potassium-rich foods), if I will be able to breastfeed with my medications (I should ask the consultant first, but she will chase with the pharmacy team if they don't know). We also asked about what facilities are like for early babies. There is a special baby unit at Ysbyty Gwynedd but if there are any issues, we might be transferred to Ysbyty Glan Clwyd as they have a more specialised facility.
She also suggested that if we know the baby will be early (potentially 34 weeks) then we could start to express milk before baby arrives so that if they are then in special care that they can still have breast milk. She would go over this in a later checkup. She said that premature care is a lot more sympathetic than it used to be. That baby won't just be stuck in a plastic incubator but will have 'kangaroo care' as it has been proven that contact and warmth and nurture really do help them rally around quicker.
Ironically, this evening I felt what seem to be proper movements. It wasn't just bubbling or flicking but felt like actual tapping. I felt it to the left of my belly button, then towards my right hip - they must really be dancing around in there!
5th June
Today is a momentous occasion but also will probably go by without any celebration or even much acknowledgement.
Today, I have worked at the company for 12 years...! I was the mere age of 21 when I joined the company. Barely an adult! I was still living at home, just, and this was my first full-time job. I started at an entry-level position in data entry and have worked my way up from there. Next, I quality controlled others work. I was then hand-picked for a role to work with digital files and when that project ended I processed logs and then moved onto researching oil data for the Middle East. I've been at risk of redundancy 3 times and it was horrible but given the chance now, with being older and wiser, I would jump at the chance as an opportunity to go back to college, learn more and do something that really feels like my calling.
Since 2011 I've worked in the same department and have been client facing for these 7 years. At first, I was QCing others work and picking up client requests that came in before being upgraded to orders coordinator where I solely worked on client requests. In the last year, I became operations coordinator where I oversee the orders team. But with one thing or another, namely my personal circumstances and difficulties, I have been seconded to a stress-free role within a big scanning project.
Life has had it's ups and downs and I've been through a lot since joining the company - moving in with Caz, buying my first house with Caz, marrying Caz, having a kidney transplant, having a miscarriage and now hopefully on to have my rainbow baby.
The weather has been so lovely lately that I've taken up going for walks on my lunch. Escaping from the office for a little bit really replenishes your energy and prepares you for the afternoon slog until hometime!
Because I've been struggling with really puffy feet and feeling uncomfortable at work, it was decided to redo my HSE pregnancy risk assessment.
Basically, I've ended up with a new footrest as I needed to elevate my feet a little more and I've also been given a fan as perhaps if I keep cooler then I won't swell up so much! So far so good!
6th June
Today I was due to go on a half day course. It was called 'Receiving and Giving Effective Feedback'. But in the end, it was cancelled. I understand this was cancelled due to a former Robertson's member of staff passing away unexpectedly - Tony Eccles. It was his funeral on the day of the course. The company wanted to give whoever wanted the chance to say goodbye to attend his funeral.
I didn't really know him but thought he was a nice, kind and friendly man, always with a smile.
http://www.bmdsonline.co.uk/north-wales-weekly-news/obituary/anthony-joseph-eccles/53624452?s_source=tmnw_nwwn
I took the afternoon off as I didn't feel it was worth coming in for half a day after my training course.
I debated about going to Llanfairfechan to have a stroll on the beach and an ice cream but in the end, I went to Bangor to go shopping.
I popped into a few shops that looked interesting and bought a few bits and bobs. I actually found some maternity clothes in New Look and some were even in the sale! I bought a dress, trousers and t-shirt. I also visited Top Shop and bought some socks and a headband plus H&M to buy some comfy sandals as flip-flops are hideously uncomfortable. It was nice being able to just chill and do something for myself.
In the post, I received my next Project-B box.
Here are photos of my unboxing:
 |
| Lots of vitamins to help baby and me |
 |
| A couple sample sachets of body scrub and a yummy lip balm |
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| A wonderfully moisturising stretch mark spray on oil |
 |
| Giovanna Fletcher's book - Happy Mum Happy Baby |
I didn't realise that Giovanna went through a miscarriage. This is featured in her first chapter. I'm glad she spoke about it as this was an important part of her journey to becoming a Mum. I'm also truly grateful she didn't just gloss over it or brush it under the carpet. She mentions how devastating it was and how many tears she cried.
Trying again is such a hard step to take. You don't know if you are 100% ready as you are still grieving (and always will be) and you don't want to 'replace' your lost baby but you do have a sense that having a family will help ease your pain and suffering. The sheer amount of joy that baby will bring you, along with some tainted sadness with left wondering how your lost baby would have done at each milestone, is worth all the ups and downs.
I will no doubt find this book an invaluable read, especially once the baby is here to help me see that we are all winging it really!
I spent the rest of the afternoon at home relaxing in the sun (plus had a quick nap) before I went on to my mindfulness session in the evening.
It is the last but one session today! I can't believe how quickly the time has flown since we passed the halfway point. I have done so well with my practice this week - I've meditated 5 days with only 1 day off. That is at least 90x better than last week!
7th June
I had my obstetrics appointment today. I always get nervous for appointments but because this isn't just about you I get doubly so.
But as always, I needn't have worried.
A healthcare support worker did my BP and urine test initially and then passed me on to a midwife. She told us that she believed she'd met us before in the early pregnancy unit. We didn't remember her but it is possible we met when I bled that time around 6 weeks. Such a scary time, I thought it was all over at that point. I prepared myself for the worst. She also told us that the BP is perfectly healthy and there was nothing showing in my urine. She then also used the doppler to measure baby's heart rate and that was great too!
I didn't see my usual consultant - Dr Clark, but one of her colleagues. She was happy and booked me in to see Dr Clark as usual in a fortnights time.
Once I was home I did a body scan meditation. It is getting a little easier now and I'm hoping it is becoming a habit.
8th June
Today I go and see a psychologist. I am hoping to go through the issues I'm struggling with regarding my health as well as my anxieties with my baby.
Paul is connected to the renal unit and so understands the processes to some extent. So I was able to explain to him that for 7 years I have been stable. But suddenly, due to my pregnancy, it has all started to wobble. My medication dosages are going up and what concerns me is this is trial and error.
There isn't a known formula or procedure to follow so to speak as I don't know if many people with kidney transplants go on to have a baby. Typically, people who suffer from kidney problems are generally elderly. So it is perhaps unknown territory for the consultants and a little hit and miss. It has been very overwhelming with my dosages of medications constantly changing. You feel very out of control, not that you ever had much control over your health in the first instance but you are definitely whirling madly in a tornado at the moment rather than just bracing against a breeze.
I also obviously spoke about the baby. How I have bled 3 times and with my past success rate I feel there will only be one outcome of losing this baby. I blatantly don't want this to happen and am hoping as hard as I can that this will continue until it results in a healthy, happy baby.
Paul did get me thinking with some of his responses. Are my pregnancy symptoms bringing up memories of my kidney failure? Swollen ankles, tiredness, sickness, headaches, etc can all be signs you are suffering from excess toxins in your body due to your kidneys being unable to process all your waste products.
Also, with regards to my anxieties with the baby, he said something along the lines of "I can help your anxiety, in fact, I can take it away. All I need for you is to not care about the baby. Can you do that?". Nope. I knew for certain I couldn't stop caring. But the flipside of caring so much is anxiety. Like the flipside of the coin to grief is the sheer amount of love you had for that person.
I had worried that I wasn't bonding with my bump, I felt detached from it and it seemed unusual to stroke my belly. Perhaps I didn't love this baby. But my anxieties about losing this baby, the volume and weight of these worries mean I love my baby so much as it is.
Parents often say they are willing to lay their lives down for the children. I'm doing that already, Paul felt. I am risking my health, what I know and have grown accustomed to and am gambling with my kidney transplant in order to give my baby the best chance at life.
That made the tears flow. Paul said how when he said that he noticed my face suddenly changed in the realisation that I do love this baby, so very much, with all my soul and all the fibres of my being.
I needed a good relax in the evening. Talking about and processing your feelings is really draining.
So I got out the charcoal peel off blackhead facemask and had a long, warm bath with a cup of camomile tea. Perfection.
To round off the day, I managed, somehow to meditate again! This run is going well!
9th June
We have had a wonderful day!
The weather has been really hot and sunny and there was a food festival on. What better way to spend a few hours!
Down at Prince's Pier, in Menai Bridge, there was the Food Slam / Movable Feast.
There were so many different food vans, street food, food stalls, drinks and crafts.
This is the picture from the Moveable Feast's Facebook page!
We had lunch from the Veggie Man.
Glam Dog - A Glamorgan sausage (cheesy leek goodness) in a hot dog bap with fried onions and all the sauces.
Sloppy Jack - Made of shredded Jackfruit (a mega-sized fig, native to India) in tasty BBQ sauce in a bap.
We bought an apple pork pie and homity pie (an open potato, onion and leek pie covered in cheese) from Dulas Farm shop stand. Some Millionaire's shortbread (peanut butter and regular flavours) from a stand I can't remember the name of... Plus some amazing flapjacks from the Flapjackery - a chocolate brownie topped flapjack, blackberry and apple flapjack and a Bakewell tart topped flapjack. Yummy!
We also had ice cream from a cute little vintage style trolley from Mon ar Lwy.
We spent the rest of the afternoon reading our books in the garden before I did a meditation!
To help my practice, I looked into the best meditation apps. Headspace is up there, I've used Calm before and love their sleep stories, Mindfulness is a great app (with meditations from the mindful birthing book I'm reading) but all of these are subscription. There are some free features but I wanted to be able to access everything I needed and so wanted to weigh up the best app for me and how the subscription fee weighed up.
I found an article on the Independent about the 10 best mindfulness apps out there. After reviewing the list, I discovered Insight Timer.
I hadn't heard of Insight Timer before and so I gave it a download.
I found it really quite easy to use. After setting up a profile you were given the option of a premium subscription. This allowed you to:
* Listen offline (download guided meditations to your device)
* Repeat mode
* Fast forward and Rewind
* Pick-up where you left off
I didn't feel I needed those features particularly, so I've stuck with the free option for now.
There are so many meditations in there. There are guided meditations for a variety of topics (sleep, pain relief, body scan, you name it...), you can find music to just relax you or energise you, there is also a timer feature where you can set bells to chime and decide how long you wish to practise. There are also courses available with several tracks in each to work through, the ones I've found so far you buy the course, which is fair enough really.
I think I meditated 3 times today since I got the app!
I set a timer and listened to the music and bells for about 10 minutes, there is also a 'learning meditation' course with each session around 10 minutes and I discovered a 30-minute body scan track that I really like too and have bookmarked this for future use.
You can add friends, join groups to help support and motivate you, you can save meditations to your favourites and once you have completed a meditation you can thank others who meditated at the same time as you.
I'm still discovering the app so this may be an interesting journey but I do feel it will really help my practice no end.
10th June
We went to Lidl today to make the most of that £5 voucher they sent me on Monday. I didn't like any of the baby clothes, nothing seemed neutral. It was either very blue or had flamingos on them. Not really appropriate. They didn't have my size in any of the maternity wear - all were starting from at least size 16. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you are a heffer. I still fit in my size 10 leggings (if worn under bump) and my tops fit great (if not quite long enough to cover my bump). I literally have only put on weight at my bump. Surprisingly, everything else has stayed pretty much the same. If anything, I feel my body looks a little more toned!
After that, we went to the Holland Arms to get some bedding plants for the garden. I believe this might be one of the few times we have ever stepped foot in a garden centre without going into the cafe. Shock horror!
We ended up buying some plants to replenish Jesse's pot as the violas in there are getting on for 10-months old now! They looked tired and a bit sad and straggly so definitely needed replacing.
We also bought some other plants to put in our hanging baskets. We managed to save the ivy from last year and a fuchsia and just added these other bits to them.
We will plant them up tomorrow after work.
We went for dinner at my parents tonight. I'm definitely struggling with full-size meals. I much prefer to have small meals but more often. I could only manage half of the slice of cheesecake I was given too. I don't mean to seem ungrateful but I just feel so bloated and uncomfortable when I eat too much. I also find sugar affects me really badly too. I get such a dip after having anything too sugary and so try and stick to more biscuity or oaty things rather than cakes or desserts.
My Mum couldn't help herself and ended up buying quite a few baby clothes again. We are grateful, but we do have plenty already (from last time and this) and they weren't exactly neutral but very blue.
We struggle ourselves to get much for the baby and being bombarded by others is a bit overwhelming. It might be nicer if they held on to these things and kept them until the baby is literally here. Then we can be excited about it and think 'oh that is cute and this is useful' rather than thinking 'well, that is another thing to pack away in storage for in case baby does not make it'. Luckily, we preempted this and so had mentally prepared ourselves for this bombardment. I know my Mum means well but it can be a bit much. It isn't helped when I get an email saying "let's meet for that long overdue meal".
Look, I work fulltime, I have a chronic illness, I'm pregnant, I'm anxious, I'm studying an intense 8-week mindfulness course that requires at least an hours practice each night. Don't guilt trip me into meeting with you. Don't drown me in emails complaining about a cold when I haven't complained once to you about my fears about my health spiralling out of control or the niggles and discomforts I've been having. These emails are not even slightly conversational. It is like you receive a journal entry. There isn't any: how are you, what has your day been like. But it just goes we went for a walk, we met this person who (insert full life history here) and I have been suffering with (insert complaint here). You just read it and think, no thought has gone into this, you aren't interested in me or my day and what is going on or even your grandchild-to-be you just wanted to vent. I see no need to reply. I don't even know how to reply. Then it is all, why don't you phone and keep in touch? Because I know all your news already. I might then mention my swollen ankles and then there are hordes of email with unsolicited advice. You stress me out.
I sometimes really consider distancing myself from my family. When I wanted to move in with Caz, Jesus Christ, the guilt trip was put on really hard. What have we done? Why don't you want to live with us any more? I'm 21, have a partner and want to start my life with him. Don't make this harder than it already is. Then when I am out enjoying my life it is all "sorry we missed you" messages left on the answerphone and emailed to me. Am I meant to sit in day and night waiting for in case they ring? You only have one life and I want to live it.
But at the end of the day what have they done? They aren't mean, they aren't rude, they just smother me with kindness and unknowingly guilt trip me all the time. I have debated about moving abroad just to not have to feel guilty about visiting my family so often and having near constant phone calls and emails. But I would feel sorry for my Dad. He never puts pressure on me, he is a give it or take it kind of guy and has done nothing but help me in life.
I'm sorry to rant but sometimes you have to get things off your chest.
The other week I got an email from my Mum saying she met some neighbour, they had a miscarriage and then went on holiday and wanted to just get on with things for the sake of their little boy. Like, what are you saying? Thanks for the news? Do you mean to say that is a better way to deal with miscarriage? Are you comparing my way in grieving against this other persons? Everyone is different and deals with things in different ways. For me, I was broken. I don't think my Mum gets that. Won't get that. You can't understand unless you have been there, experienced it.
Its just sometimes my Mum emails me about mindless shite and it gets to me. My heart sinks when I see yet another lengthy email. Usually the 3rd or so in the day.
I've asked for space previously. That wasn't respected. I've said I won't call if I hear all their news in an email. Still, both are done. All the time. I can only see the next step as taking a break from them for a while. I'll obviously keep in touch as and when news is available and clearly won't keep their grandchild from them, should this pregnancy end well, but I have so much on my plate that I just can't cope with anything else on top of this adding to my stress.
I'll let you know how that goes... 😖
I spent the rest of the afternoon at home relaxing in the sun (plus had a quick nap) before I went on to my mindfulness session in the evening.
It is the last but one session today! I can't believe how quickly the time has flown since we passed the halfway point. I have done so well with my practice this week - I've meditated 5 days with only 1 day off. That is at least 90x better than last week!
7th June
I had my obstetrics appointment today. I always get nervous for appointments but because this isn't just about you I get doubly so.
But as always, I needn't have worried.
A healthcare support worker did my BP and urine test initially and then passed me on to a midwife. She told us that she believed she'd met us before in the early pregnancy unit. We didn't remember her but it is possible we met when I bled that time around 6 weeks. Such a scary time, I thought it was all over at that point. I prepared myself for the worst. She also told us that the BP is perfectly healthy and there was nothing showing in my urine. She then also used the doppler to measure baby's heart rate and that was great too!
I didn't see my usual consultant - Dr Clark, but one of her colleagues. She was happy and booked me in to see Dr Clark as usual in a fortnights time.
Once I was home I did a body scan meditation. It is getting a little easier now and I'm hoping it is becoming a habit.
8th June
Today I go and see a psychologist. I am hoping to go through the issues I'm struggling with regarding my health as well as my anxieties with my baby.
Paul is connected to the renal unit and so understands the processes to some extent. So I was able to explain to him that for 7 years I have been stable. But suddenly, due to my pregnancy, it has all started to wobble. My medication dosages are going up and what concerns me is this is trial and error.
There isn't a known formula or procedure to follow so to speak as I don't know if many people with kidney transplants go on to have a baby. Typically, people who suffer from kidney problems are generally elderly. So it is perhaps unknown territory for the consultants and a little hit and miss. It has been very overwhelming with my dosages of medications constantly changing. You feel very out of control, not that you ever had much control over your health in the first instance but you are definitely whirling madly in a tornado at the moment rather than just bracing against a breeze.
I also obviously spoke about the baby. How I have bled 3 times and with my past success rate I feel there will only be one outcome of losing this baby. I blatantly don't want this to happen and am hoping as hard as I can that this will continue until it results in a healthy, happy baby.
Paul did get me thinking with some of his responses. Are my pregnancy symptoms bringing up memories of my kidney failure? Swollen ankles, tiredness, sickness, headaches, etc can all be signs you are suffering from excess toxins in your body due to your kidneys being unable to process all your waste products.
Also, with regards to my anxieties with the baby, he said something along the lines of "I can help your anxiety, in fact, I can take it away. All I need for you is to not care about the baby. Can you do that?". Nope. I knew for certain I couldn't stop caring. But the flipside of caring so much is anxiety. Like the flipside of the coin to grief is the sheer amount of love you had for that person.
I had worried that I wasn't bonding with my bump, I felt detached from it and it seemed unusual to stroke my belly. Perhaps I didn't love this baby. But my anxieties about losing this baby, the volume and weight of these worries mean I love my baby so much as it is.
Parents often say they are willing to lay their lives down for the children. I'm doing that already, Paul felt. I am risking my health, what I know and have grown accustomed to and am gambling with my kidney transplant in order to give my baby the best chance at life.
That made the tears flow. Paul said how when he said that he noticed my face suddenly changed in the realisation that I do love this baby, so very much, with all my soul and all the fibres of my being.
I needed a good relax in the evening. Talking about and processing your feelings is really draining.
So I got out the charcoal peel off blackhead facemask and had a long, warm bath with a cup of camomile tea. Perfection.
To round off the day, I managed, somehow to meditate again! This run is going well!
9th June
 |
| That is one splatted cat... |
We have had a wonderful day!
The weather has been really hot and sunny and there was a food festival on. What better way to spend a few hours!
Down at Prince's Pier, in Menai Bridge, there was the Food Slam / Movable Feast.
There were so many different food vans, street food, food stalls, drinks and crafts.
This is the picture from the Moveable Feast's Facebook page!
We had lunch from the Veggie Man.
Glam Dog - A Glamorgan sausage (cheesy leek goodness) in a hot dog bap with fried onions and all the sauces.
Sloppy Jack - Made of shredded Jackfruit (a mega-sized fig, native to India) in tasty BBQ sauce in a bap.
We bought an apple pork pie and homity pie (an open potato, onion and leek pie covered in cheese) from Dulas Farm shop stand. Some Millionaire's shortbread (peanut butter and regular flavours) from a stand I can't remember the name of... Plus some amazing flapjacks from the Flapjackery - a chocolate brownie topped flapjack, blackberry and apple flapjack and a Bakewell tart topped flapjack. Yummy!
We also had ice cream from a cute little vintage style trolley from Mon ar Lwy.
We spent the rest of the afternoon reading our books in the garden before I did a meditation!
To help my practice, I looked into the best meditation apps. Headspace is up there, I've used Calm before and love their sleep stories, Mindfulness is a great app (with meditations from the mindful birthing book I'm reading) but all of these are subscription. There are some free features but I wanted to be able to access everything I needed and so wanted to weigh up the best app for me and how the subscription fee weighed up.
I found an article on the Independent about the 10 best mindfulness apps out there. After reviewing the list, I discovered Insight Timer.
I hadn't heard of Insight Timer before and so I gave it a download.
I found it really quite easy to use. After setting up a profile you were given the option of a premium subscription. This allowed you to:
* Listen offline (download guided meditations to your device)
* Repeat mode
* Fast forward and Rewind
* Pick-up where you left off
I didn't feel I needed those features particularly, so I've stuck with the free option for now.
There are so many meditations in there. There are guided meditations for a variety of topics (sleep, pain relief, body scan, you name it...), you can find music to just relax you or energise you, there is also a timer feature where you can set bells to chime and decide how long you wish to practise. There are also courses available with several tracks in each to work through, the ones I've found so far you buy the course, which is fair enough really.
I think I meditated 3 times today since I got the app!
I set a timer and listened to the music and bells for about 10 minutes, there is also a 'learning meditation' course with each session around 10 minutes and I discovered a 30-minute body scan track that I really like too and have bookmarked this for future use.
You can add friends, join groups to help support and motivate you, you can save meditations to your favourites and once you have completed a meditation you can thank others who meditated at the same time as you.
I'm still discovering the app so this may be an interesting journey but I do feel it will really help my practice no end.
10th June
We went to Lidl today to make the most of that £5 voucher they sent me on Monday. I didn't like any of the baby clothes, nothing seemed neutral. It was either very blue or had flamingos on them. Not really appropriate. They didn't have my size in any of the maternity wear - all were starting from at least size 16. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you are a heffer. I still fit in my size 10 leggings (if worn under bump) and my tops fit great (if not quite long enough to cover my bump). I literally have only put on weight at my bump. Surprisingly, everything else has stayed pretty much the same. If anything, I feel my body looks a little more toned!
After that, we went to the Holland Arms to get some bedding plants for the garden. I believe this might be one of the few times we have ever stepped foot in a garden centre without going into the cafe. Shock horror!
We ended up buying some plants to replenish Jesse's pot as the violas in there are getting on for 10-months old now! They looked tired and a bit sad and straggly so definitely needed replacing.
We also bought some other plants to put in our hanging baskets. We managed to save the ivy from last year and a fuchsia and just added these other bits to them.
We will plant them up tomorrow after work.
We went for dinner at my parents tonight. I'm definitely struggling with full-size meals. I much prefer to have small meals but more often. I could only manage half of the slice of cheesecake I was given too. I don't mean to seem ungrateful but I just feel so bloated and uncomfortable when I eat too much. I also find sugar affects me really badly too. I get such a dip after having anything too sugary and so try and stick to more biscuity or oaty things rather than cakes or desserts.
My Mum couldn't help herself and ended up buying quite a few baby clothes again. We are grateful, but we do have plenty already (from last time and this) and they weren't exactly neutral but very blue.
We struggle ourselves to get much for the baby and being bombarded by others is a bit overwhelming. It might be nicer if they held on to these things and kept them until the baby is literally here. Then we can be excited about it and think 'oh that is cute and this is useful' rather than thinking 'well, that is another thing to pack away in storage for in case baby does not make it'. Luckily, we preempted this and so had mentally prepared ourselves for this bombardment. I know my Mum means well but it can be a bit much. It isn't helped when I get an email saying "let's meet for that long overdue meal".
Look, I work fulltime, I have a chronic illness, I'm pregnant, I'm anxious, I'm studying an intense 8-week mindfulness course that requires at least an hours practice each night. Don't guilt trip me into meeting with you. Don't drown me in emails complaining about a cold when I haven't complained once to you about my fears about my health spiralling out of control or the niggles and discomforts I've been having. These emails are not even slightly conversational. It is like you receive a journal entry. There isn't any: how are you, what has your day been like. But it just goes we went for a walk, we met this person who (insert full life history here) and I have been suffering with (insert complaint here). You just read it and think, no thought has gone into this, you aren't interested in me or my day and what is going on or even your grandchild-to-be you just wanted to vent. I see no need to reply. I don't even know how to reply. Then it is all, why don't you phone and keep in touch? Because I know all your news already. I might then mention my swollen ankles and then there are hordes of email with unsolicited advice. You stress me out.
I sometimes really consider distancing myself from my family. When I wanted to move in with Caz, Jesus Christ, the guilt trip was put on really hard. What have we done? Why don't you want to live with us any more? I'm 21, have a partner and want to start my life with him. Don't make this harder than it already is. Then when I am out enjoying my life it is all "sorry we missed you" messages left on the answerphone and emailed to me. Am I meant to sit in day and night waiting for in case they ring? You only have one life and I want to live it.
But at the end of the day what have they done? They aren't mean, they aren't rude, they just smother me with kindness and unknowingly guilt trip me all the time. I have debated about moving abroad just to not have to feel guilty about visiting my family so often and having near constant phone calls and emails. But I would feel sorry for my Dad. He never puts pressure on me, he is a give it or take it kind of guy and has done nothing but help me in life.
I'm sorry to rant but sometimes you have to get things off your chest.
The other week I got an email from my Mum saying she met some neighbour, they had a miscarriage and then went on holiday and wanted to just get on with things for the sake of their little boy. Like, what are you saying? Thanks for the news? Do you mean to say that is a better way to deal with miscarriage? Are you comparing my way in grieving against this other persons? Everyone is different and deals with things in different ways. For me, I was broken. I don't think my Mum gets that. Won't get that. You can't understand unless you have been there, experienced it.
Its just sometimes my Mum emails me about mindless shite and it gets to me. My heart sinks when I see yet another lengthy email. Usually the 3rd or so in the day.
I've asked for space previously. That wasn't respected. I've said I won't call if I hear all their news in an email. Still, both are done. All the time. I can only see the next step as taking a break from them for a while. I'll obviously keep in touch as and when news is available and clearly won't keep their grandchild from them, should this pregnancy end well, but I have so much on my plate that I just can't cope with anything else on top of this adding to my stress.
I'll let you know how that goes... 😖
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