I put my keys back on my keyring and popped the bunch into the bowl on the sideboard. I decided what to wear for the day and so put them on the chair in the bedroom - a blouse with a star print and a smart pair of dark purple trousers. I emptied my handbag of receipts, put in a lip balm (just in case), got a bottle of water from the cupboard over the fridge, sorted a couple of snacks to put in a bag and then made sure I had an early night.
I slept remarkably well; I had assumed I would have a lot on my mind and so wouldn't sleep too well.
I got up, showered, dressed and had breakfast.
I was ready to go.
My drive to work was uneventful and I was pleased I didn't feel anxious during my drive to work (and remembered where to go!).
Only when I pulled off on to the slip road did I start to feel a few butterflies. I wasn't sure if I could do this. Was it too much too soon.
I parked at the side of the building and suddenly wondered if everything might have changed. Would I know anyone who worked here anymore, would all of the processes have been altered while I was away. But then sense kicked in and I remembered I have only been away for a month and no doubt nothing will actually have changed.
I arrived nice and early so I could be one step ahead of the game. Arriving at 8am I had plenty of time to find one of my mugs and get a reviving cup of tea before the majority of people got in.
It was strangely normal to be in work.
I needn't have worried too much as I had plenty to keep me occupied and out of trouble. In fact, I had 828 emails to read through. Not that I actually needed to action many at all as my team had done a great job covering for me during my absence. But I wanted to know what had been going on, who had been requesting what and how things were going.
I work in a data archive. The data we store is all related to the oil industry. My role is an operations coordinator so I receive any requests for the data to be scanned into digital format, to have old tapes and reels copied onto new media or for data to be dispatched out with a courier. We also store core, oil and rock samples.
I could tell that a lot of people are finding it awkward and they don't really know what to say to me. I guess that is understandable as a lot of people may not 'know' anyone else who has been blighted with miscarriage. But miscarriage is actually something that appears to be quite taboo. I have discovered at least 5 people I know who unfortunately went through with a miscarriage. It just doesn't seem to be something you bring up in everyday conversation.
I am still me though. That is one thing I am iterating to everyone I know. I am just feeling a little more sad than usual.
I guess everyone is different but I am really thriving from talking about Jesse. It is like a proud Mum moment and wanting to share all those milestones with anyone that may, or may not, want to hear about it.
I want Jesse to be acknowledged. They entered but also exited this world. They did exist. Why would I want to brush that under the carpet?
My body seems to be pretty much fully recovered now but my mind is taking a little longer to grasp what has happened. These things take time.
During my morning I managed to get through around 50% of the emails and I will continue with the same tomorrow. There is always tomorrow for anything I can't get done today. I am only one person and can only do so much.
Maybe by Thursday or Friday, I will be a little more on par and up to speed with everything and understand what is needed of me.
Little steps.
Definitely glad I am decided on a phased return as by the end of it I had a banging headache developing and my eyes felt so tired. Despite taking regular breaks and catching up with several people it still took its toll on me.
Is it too much too soon? I had to go back at some point. I couldn't avoid it forever.
What better time than now?!
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