Testing times

I have been dreading this since I was in the hospital after losing my baby.

I knew it was looming like a storm on the horizon waiting to hit on schedule. But I wanted to try and do anything I could to try and avoid it.

I needed to do a pregnancy test 3 weeks following my miscarriage to prove that everything had passed.

I had talked to my GP about this and asked if I could go in to have a pregnancy test. He said it was an option but clearly it was more of a last resort. Ideally, they wanted me to be strong enough to do this unaided and with no additional cost to the NHS.

Pregnancy tests are usually for you to check if you are expecting.
You might have an inkling and just want to confirm it. You had been having achy breasts, be late on your period or perhaps be exhausted or sick.
Often times this is planned or at least wanted. In these cases, this leads to you discovering happy news.
But in this case, I am confirming that my baby has died. It is to check, as the hospital so eloquently put it if all 'products' had been passed.
It is dragging out this nightmare and putting the final line underneath it all that the chapter I had hoped would be happy is actually over.

In the end, I decided to do the test at home. I guess it could be seen as a way to find closure to all of this and really cement in your mind that this is finished, for now at least.
I bought a digital pregnancy test as I really couldn't be dealing with any uncertainties. I wanted to know for sure that this was it. That it was done and I could try and pick up all the pieces and try and move forward with my life.

"Not Pregnant"

Yes, this is final.
But perhaps it is also a chance to be hopeful. My periods will soon return. I will go back to tracking my ovulation and we will try again.
This is building towards my next attempt to try to conceive.
Although I wanted Jesse to come into the world as my child and not an Angel Baby I now realise how much love I have to give and that I am so ready to be a Mummy.