I received a phone call while I was at work. It was the secretary to my renal consultant - Dr Alejmi.
She was just trying to squeeze me in to see the consultant on Wednesday as I haven't seen him in weeks now. His clinic is full but he will have a quick chat and catch up with me in the renal department instead of the outpatients' clinic.
It is good to feel important and worthy of being shoehorned in. At least I don't get forgotten or overlooked that way!
I know it is like 15 weeks away from Christmas but it will be here before we know it! I bought a Christmas magazine! In there are recipes, ideas on how to plan Christmas to keep it stress-free and also a whole bunch of craft ideas from simple to slightly more complex.
It was a good inspiration and I might try and make a Christmas bunting with padded sewn stars. That would combine two of the craft ideas - one which showed you how to make padded fabric sewn stars as table names or gift tags and a felt bunting idea.
Today is one of my cousin's birthday - Cecile. I haven't seen her in years now but family is family and I wished her a happy birthday if only via Facebook. I also noted that in lieu of presents, she was raising money for a charity of her choice - Save the Children.
"For my birthday this year, I'm asking for donations to Save the Children UK. I've chosen this non-profit because their mission means a lot to me, and I hope that you'll consider contributing as a way of celebrating with me. Every little bit will help me reach my goal."
In total, she managed to raise a respectable £30. I'm proud to say I did help contribute towards that. It might be an expensive time for me with preparing for a baby but a charity close to someone's heart is a charity worth donating to.
I've taken to reading on my lunch breaks. It is a nice bit of escapism. I'm continuing to read through Hunger Games and am easily digesting a chapter in my break. I am really enjoying it so far.
I found myself knowing a lot of detail about the characters, important to me, but I found myself picturing Katniss as myself?! Perhaps it is the bit of therapy I need to realise I am brave and strong because of what I've been through in life. Not as I had been thinking that I'm weak for having brought on these events. I'm strong.
A few days ago, it popped up on my 'memories' a photo of myself from a year ago.
It was from when I met up with a work friend, Patricia at James Pringle Weavers' for coffee, cake and a catchup. This was 3-weeks after my miscarriage.
I'd washed, dressed and put on a smile to meet her and although it was difficult and I felt anxiety from being away from my comfort zone of home, I did enjoy meeting up and talking openly about how I was feeling.
My first thought on seeing the photo pop-up - how brave it was to get up and show up when I was still in pain. The bleeding hadn't long stopped from my miscarriage and I was hurting emotionally. But when people reach out to you, you know you have a friend for life there and so you go to them. You take comfort in them and accept their support.
I am always defensively proud and hate to let my barriers down and dignity go. So please know that if someone in pain doesn't reach out to you, touch base with them. Maybe they are waiting for someone to ask them how they are, how they really are. They don't want to trouble others or be a burden, but in reality, they desperately need someone to even just be with them not even to say a word but just be.
When I got home a book was waiting in my mailbox - "Your No Guilt Pregnancy Plan: A revolutionary guide to pregnancy, birth and the weeks that follow".
I will move on to that once I've finished "The Food of Love: Your Formula for Successful Breastfeeding". On first glance, it sounds a very down to earth guide and looks like it will help me just relax into motherhood rather than having too high expectations of myself.
It's just over a week now until my maternity leaving lunch at work. At first, I was a bit hesitant about. I thought there might be 4 of us in total - me and the immediate people I work with on my pod of desks. But I think it sounds like it might be a little more popular than that...!
I had mentioned the other day about dabbling in the idea of setting up my own homemade craft business.
I have debated about using Jesse's name in the company name somewhere or perhaps adding in this baby's name and have it as something I do for my babies. But I also have a bit of a fun side, not everyone sees or realises this! So I am also looking into names that are puns or a play on themes around what I will be creating. It gives some food for thought!
I recently signed up to a 'pregnancy summit' with key speakers about all things pregnancy on a variety of topics. It started this week but I've realised I'm possibly at saturation level for information now and it feels a bit much to try and take on-board anymore. So much you hear about pregnancy is just 'wing it' and that you'll learn as you go!
It is Elin's birthday coming up in 15 days time. I sent Caz some ideas about what I think she might like so he is having a look at them.
I also offered to make something for her, but he said with it being so close to the baby he doesn't want to put on any extra pressures on me. But she's my sister-in-law! I know she'd do anything for me and I want to do the same for her. But maybe another year...
Learnt: That despite not being fully back to health, I am able to push that aside due to love to help Caz
Feel: Reassured that when I'm feeling tired and drained with a newborn that I'll be able to push through it.
Proud: That my love for Caz is strong. We've gone through good and bad times but we always just group together and help one another through the difficult patches. That is a real relationship.
11th September
This morning didn't feel productive at all. I was working happily away and then all the systems went on a go slow. They were timing out and just generally being a nuisance!
I'm really enjoying reading on my lunch break now. I used to do this a lot but I stopped for whatever reason. I guess I started to eat in the canteen and ended up sitting with others. But since my miscarriage, I haven't done that. I feel it is probably too awkward or difficult for others. I know people sometimes struggle to talk to me, finding the right words or not knowing what to say. So I just figured maybe it was easier to remove myself and make the situation easier for everyone else.
I just tend to drive to the beach carpark now, read or watch something on YouTube or even do a meditation or have a nap before going back to work again.
I sometimes eat on my lunch too but mostly I eat when I get back. I've had a break, that is the important thing.
I heard from Caz as he phoned his private consultant to chase up wherein the process everything was.
We had been told that he would be having his scan in the next 3 weeks. But after talking to the secretary, she said that the consultant is quite 'out of touch' and the waiting time is more like 12 weeks. I feel annoyed so I figure Caz will be feeling mightily frustrated over this development. You think you are almost at the next hurdle, but then it is moved further away from you.
Recently, we have been trying out some different veggie foodstuffs. There is a company called Vivera and they do a selection of vegetarian 'meat'.
In recent weeks we have gone through a lot of their products - pulled pork, steak, burgers and the final one we wanted to try was some kebab style meat.
I wanted to recreate the style of kebab we had when we were in Berlin - the kebab capital!
I bought a bloomer loaf of bread that was flavoured with 3-cheese, some salad, halloumi and also aioli dip to put in the bread.
It may not have been perfect or exactly as the Berlin kebabs but I think it probably is as close as you can get! I enjoyed it anyway! I probably overdid the food as even Caz had to give up eating it as he was so full!
I've been ploughing through that breastfeeding book I bought - Food of Love. It is definitely helping to normalise the process. I have to admit I don't think I've ever even been in the company of someone breastfeeding before, never mind even knowing anyone that has done it. It is taking away some of the fear and mystery of it. I definitely want to at least give it my best shot.
We've also bought and are giving a baby video monitor a test run! The camera is watching Walter sleep in the utility room!
Learnt: That sometimes you need to just eat what you fancy.
Feel: Satisfied with what I rammed into my tummy!
Proud: That I didn't care as much about the calorie count and just wanted to eat my feast!
12th September
Almost immediately on waking this morning, I had an epic nosebleed. It went everywhere. My hands, legs, the bed, the carpet. I was fumbling around trying to get a tissue out of the box when it just literally poured everywhere.
What surprised me was how I reacted. I was super scared. But not for my health/life but because of what possible reactions Caz could have to me bleeding everywhere. I felt awful. I was worried he would be annoyed. I started to have a panic attack and hyperventilate while I was trying to stem the blood flow. Both lasted for a good few minutes.
Caz wasn't annoyed. He just wanted to help me. He got the Fabreeze stain remover and blotted it on the bed and carpet and surprisingly it came out just fine. He wanted to help me clean up my hands and legs but I felt ashamed and just wanted to cry.
I think this sort of reaction stems back from me expecting how my parents might have reacted. If I knocked over, for example, a cup of tea accidentally it wasn't "don't worry, it was just an accident, lets clean this up" but I would get really shouted at and feel petrified.
It made me think, I want to be gentle with my child. I want her to never be scared of me. I want her to respect me and realise I do know best and know what is good for her. I want to, when it is needed, to convey my disappointment. Surely, disappointing someone you respect encourages someone to develop and try not to repeat this again.
But I'd never make her feel scared to hold her hands up and say it was an accident.
Later in the morning, I went for my blood test appointment which Caz and I swiftly followed with coffee and cake in the Dunelm cafe! Rewards for good behaviour!
We had our 32 weeks ultrasound scan and baby girl is looking wonderful!
She is head down and hiding her face so no seeing her now I think. She is probably going to remain illusive now until we get to actually meet her! They estimated she was about 3lb 12oz - a good weight for the stage we are at.
At the obstetric appointment, we saw a different consultant - Dr Majeed. I think Dr Clark is off now for an ovarian cyst operation. Dr Majeed was really quite sweet and was making sure I'm resting enough.
We then made our way through to the renal department and met up with Dr Alejmi and Rebecca. All seems to be going okay thankfully!
When we got back home, we ate something quick and then went up for a nap. This morning really took it out of us!
Learnt: It's okay to achieve nothing or at least allow yourself to rest and recover
Feel: More at ease without putting all these additional pressures on myself
Proud: I'm able to say no to tasks and chores and just do what my body and mind needs
13th September
It is crazy how quickly time is flying by now and that in less than a week's time it is my 'maternity leaving lunch'. 1 week to go after that and then I'll be going off on my maternity leave!
I've found out there are lots coming to the lunch and I'm really grateful and pleased they want to celebrate my little occasion (that feels like a massive milestone). I'm surprised but pleased at my body at being able to grow a baby this far. I had really given up all hope in my body after the miscarriage last year. I just thought my body was too stupid and didn't know what to do. But so far, so good.
I popped to Aldi after work as I'd seen some of their special buys and I really wanted to make sure I got some!
I bought some fat quarters to get me inspired in more sewing craft and then also bought baking ingredients so I could make the latest bake-off specials!
In the post, I received a certificate and letter for the money we raised and donated to SANDS the stillbirth and neonatal death charity.
I feel really proud at what we've been able to do. It wasn't much, but it all helps in some way.
Feel: When my thoughts go down on paper they aren't left spinning through my mind
Proud: I was able to focus and get through difficult queries from 'Saying Goodbye' book and on to my blog. Those tasks are done now and I can forget about them. It is all a process I have to go through to heal. I won't be completely mended but I'll be a new me.
That reminds me of: "Kintsugi, also known as Kintsukuroi, is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-e technique. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise."
14th September
I've found out that last night my manager put his name down for my leaving lunch. He'd left it to the last minute but I think he felt pressured into going as lots of people were going apart from my manager.
Turns out that this morning he has pulled his booking and won't be coming.
I feel really saddened that my manager won't be there. We haven't really seen eye to eye the whole time but I've worked for him for 2-3 years now and thought things had improved. Obviously not.
I know, looking back, all my former managers would have gone and they might have even paid for my meal!
But not with my current one, unfortunately.
I think it didn't bode well when we both applied for the supervisor role and he pipped me to the post. I was quite relieved, eventually, and glad I didn't have all the additional responsibilities at that time in my life. Good in hindsight that I wasn't successful either as I had to take a fair chunk of time out of work in the last 12 months and so it just wouldn't have worked. But I think Rob felt that maybe I would resent him for beating me to it. I also think perhaps he was worried if he made any mistakes that I was sat there ready to take control. That was never the case though. Maybe initially, but after big life events happen your priorities change.
Shame, but what is done is done.
I started to tempt fate and looked up Pandora charms as a potential gift to my baby for when she is old enough. It is something I can add to on special occasions and when we give it to her, it can truly be quite special!
We got a letter in the post, finally, about Caz's CT scan!
It is tomorrow in the evening!
To idly pass the time in the evening, we watched one of the practices from F1.
Learnt: To know how to pick my battles.
Feel: Disappointed that my manager won't go to my leaving do but I also don't care enough to fight for him to be there. It'll be a waste of energy. Everyone I like and care about is going and those people are the ones worth investing time and energy with.
Proud: That I can't be bothered to be petty. I'm just going to continue to be polite. I've never had issues with any management before but he's made it his mission to make my life difficult. I've never had any malice or hatred towards him, misunderstandings maybe and not liking change perhaps as my previous managers were wonderful!
15th September
I woke up with a bit of a sore throat this morning... I'm tackling it with hot lemon and honey drinks.
Today is my Dad's birthday!
We met up at The Holland Arms garden centre. My Mum and Dad had afternoon tea together and Caz and I chose a cream tea. The funny thing is that they didn't have any scones left so we had to pick a slice of cake instead for our cream tea. Not really cream tea without some cream now, is it!
Dad seemed to like the Kindle case that I made and gifted him! I did print out a true to size Kindle and stick it to some card so he got the gist of what it was, just in case!
Caz had his scan. We went to the x-ray department and found our way to the relevant reception - there is a reception for CT scans and another for MRIs.
I settled down in the waiting room, got my book out and was only a few pages along when Caz came back. I thought he was bringing me his wallet or phone to keep hold of. But no, he was finished!
They did say it could take anything from 5 to 45 minutes depending on what needed to be scanned.
He said it was quite uncomfortable. He had to lie flat on the slab, with his arms stretched up above his head and push his belly out as far as he could. That definitely set off his pains again. But at least it should hopefully show up his hernia, if that is what it is, on the scan.
The report should be with the consultant within 10-14 days. So Caz will start chasing if he doesn't hear anything by then.
Learnt: How to be brave for others.
Feel: I'm scared about Caz's scan and what diagnosis it might be. I'm hopeful that it is a hernia but there's always this nagging 'what it'. He's my rock, my support, my strength and the brains! I'm used to being the sick one, not to him being unwell. I don't like the tables being turned but I'm here for him. I'll help in every practical way and listen to what is on his mind.
Proud: I can put my worries behind me and focus on what's important - my Husband.
16th September
How has my sore throat already developed into a cough?! It feels like it is settling on my chest already, especially when I lie down.
We went on a tour of the labour ward today in the hospital.
Everyone met at 3pm by the lifts on the 1st floor of the maternity building. A midwife came out and gathered us to take us around the antenatal ward first. She said when you phone up and then come in with labour pains that you'll be assessed in the midwife section of the labour ward before being either sent home or put in the antenatal ward to progress enough before coming back through to where you will give birth.
There are a couple midwife run rooms where if you have no issues you can give birth in here. These literally look like hotel rooms. They were lovely.
The labour rooms were a little more clinical but still bright and vibrant. The bed may be in the middle of the room but you are encouraged to not stay on it the whole time.
Once you have given birth you are back through to the antenatal ward with your baby until you are ready to go home.
I was quite impressed with how it all seems. There is a theatre within the labour ward so should any issues crop up, they can just wheel you down the corridor.
There was also an SCBU but for any more serious problems with the baby, you would be transferred to another hospital with more specialised care.
I also liked how they encouraged active births, to use the bed as little as possible, that they as a standard procedure do delay cord clamping. Literally, everything I wanted to talk to my midwife about for the birthplace they already seem to do!
There are also two water birth rooms but we were unable to see them as they were in use.
Seeing this has reassured us both. Caz now knows where to park to drop me off and where I need to go and I know that it isn't quite as daunting as I expected.
The only thing that troubled me is that it is right by the Ffrancon ward where I went to be assessed after my miscarriage and also again this time when I had bleeding early on in this pregnancy.
It seems strangely cruel to put a gynaecological ward right by the birthing suites. I didn't notice or realise it at the time, but to go in pregnant, have a miscarriage and then leave seeing all these pregnant women and happy babies just seems horrible. It made me tear up just seeing it again.
When we got home, we watched the Singapore GP.
I had a few grumpy moments with Caz over my Mum. She can be a bit overbearing. But when I start to complain and get frustrated with something Caz always assumes I'm mad at him...
I get super frustrated when my Mum says she 'understands' and 'sympathises' with how I'm feeling worried about this baby after last time.
To me understand is to have been through something too. Sympathise is to have past experience of similar or the same.
Empathise is a possible thing my Mum could feel, but she never gets it. It's the terminology she picks and it really annoys me.
I sent her these quotes to try and explain it:
She still doesn't get why I'm annoyed despite sending these.
Learnt: Knowledge is power.
Feel: More informed and calmer about going to the hospital to give birth.
Proud: I wasn't too overwhelmed, especially when I clocked Ffrancon ward... 😢
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