Do Things Now
Putting things off isn't often the best option. Perhaps in certain circumstances - you aren't in the best frame of mind or literally just run out of time, then fair enough. But usually, it is so much better to get the things on your to-do list completed today. I always think if I put something off to tomorrow, then future tomorrow will hate past me. I should have just done it there and then and not delay. You feel accomplishment for actually completing the task and you lessen extra burdens on yourself as you aren't carrying a task over to the following day.
Take the time to do something you feel you need to do
Some days I need to cry, others I want to bury my feelings and carry on. Often I love to be on my own, but occasionally I need to be surrounded by people who love me and allow me to be myself. Grief is full of swings and roundabouts, ups and downs. You never really know what is going to face you on any given day, you just know you have to embrace it and do what you have to do to help yourself.
We had a midwife appointment today. I wasn't really looking forward to it. I have been feeling a bit misled and frustrated with all the extra appointments and being treated like I'm a difficult patient when in fact I'm just a complicated one and one that they don't necessarily understand my health conditions.
But I wanted to try my best to put everything out of my mind; All of my misconceptions and grudges had to just disappear like effervescent clouds.
Approaching the appointment like this was the best way.
I got there before Caz and messaged him when I went into the consultation room so he could find me when he arrived.
She asked me how I was doing mentally and I told her about the bank holiday weekend where I cried so much I wasn't even sure how my eyes hadn't fallen out of my head.
She is going to chase up the referral to the mental health midwife team so hopefully, they can see me sooner rather than later.
Caz then arrived and we listened to our baby girl's heartbeat and had the fundal height measured. I also had my blood pressure and urine sample tested. Everything was spot on and no gripes whatsoever.
We've started watching Vanity Fair on ITV.
I saw an advert for it on YouTube or somewhere and I thought it might be interesting. I hadn't heard much about Vanity Fair, who wrote it or anything! But it was a period drama so I thought it might be up my street.
It was definitely interesting...
I totally disliked the super soft focus in the camera work. I actually had to look away at one point as it was hurting my eyes and even asked Caz if I was going blind or if it was just the effect on the TV!
I know it is intentional, but Becky Shape is a wholly dislikable, opinionated and rude character. I really want her to fall on her arse and experience some real struggles in life just to shake her up a bit and make her appreciate life a little more. But I can see that she is the 'heroine'. Perhaps, she is the bolshy woman we need to use as a role model to find our voice and stand up for what we believe in? I wait with baited breath to see how she develops.
Learnt: That if I swallow my pride, sometimes situations become easier.
Feel: Surprised the midwife appointment went okay. I tried to go in with an open mind and that made it a lot easier.
Proud: That I got through things politely that I'd been worrying about. It can be so easy to become defensive when you are scared, but it is often better received if you can push that to one side and be nice.
4th September
Simplify
Less is more, people often say that. A cluttered house might show you have achieved by showing off your wealth and material items but is it a rich life? Is it actually the little things that are more important. The beautiful clouds in the sky, the homemade gift from someone that actually shows they care.
The same can be said for what you take on in life as well as your possessions. I always had a hard time saying no. I would say "Yes, I can do that and kept taking things on, especially at work, until I was so laden that I could hardly move. I struggled to complete all the tasks needed as I had taken too much on. A difficult, but essential, skill to learn is to delegate tasks if at all possible. I struggled with this initially. I would worry it would make me look bad like I failed or was incompetent. But actually, it helps other people learn and it gives you that extra breathing space and freedom to do something more important.
Look at your behaviour and things you have been doing
There are times I have a completely irrational hatred for people. It could simply be that they are happy and I think how can they be so happy when I'm at the other end of the spectrum. How is it fair that I went through a miscarriage yet here is someone announcing their pregnancy. It can feel like salt in the wounds, a kick in the teeth or being kicked while you are already down.
I can sometimes notice that I'm reacting in a way that isn't normal. That I should be happy that someone else has good news or is feeling great and just hang on to the hope that this will be me too one day. But it is a hard feeling to shake.
But I remind myself that it is normal to have such a range of reactions and feelings to external factors. I have been through a lot and need to be gentle with myself in order to brush myself off, stand up again and find my path in life. Things are different and won't ever be the same again but this is my new normal and something that I need to learn to live with.
It was a Chinese takeaway kind of night.
I had crab and sweetcorn soup and then 'vegetarian chicken' in lemon sauce and Caz had a chop suey roll and pork in satay sauce. We shared an egg fried rice between us.
The last time I ate this meal I literally slumped in a major energy dip. I don't know if there were tonnes of sugar or MSG in it, but I just felt my body drain! This time I had no such problems. The only issue was trying not to eat it all and save some for leftovers the next day!
It's Bake off night!
Tonight, they are doing cakes. Cakes are probably one of my baking staples. It is what I create when I want to bake something.
They made traybake cakes to start with, then moved on to a technical challenge set by Prue of making a Le Gateau Vert and they finished with their chocolate collared showstoppers.
It seems quite cruel that chocolate has been featured so much already in the series, especially as this was filmed during the heatwave we experience the other month. Everything was wilting, not setting and not retaining structure.
I've been inspired to make a traybake. The GBBO social media channels released a lemon drizzle tray bake recipe. So I might just give that a go. I love lemon drizzle myself so hopefully, it will go down well.
I didn't have the time or energy tonight to whip up something, but maybe later in the week.
Learnt: I allow myself to feel phantom pain. Unusually in the run-up to appointments like my renal clinic.
Feel: The psychological side can affect the physiological side so easily.
Proud: That I've realised this probably isn't pain but just me worrying about my health decreasing (unnecessarily).
5th September
Play
Sometimes you need to just let your hair down. You need to laugh, muck around or be silly. Even just allowing yourself a little downtime to read or watch something you love counts.
I guess for me my hobby of sewing or jewellery making is my me time. I get to experiment, learn and use trial and error to improve my knowledge and find new skills and techniques.
I also occasionally love to just laugh at something a bit sarcastic or crude. It depends on my mood at the time!
Try to accept it is okay to feel bad when you see something that hurts you and realise that this in no way makes you a bad person; it just makes you human
Much like what I said yesterday, I could feel envy, jealousy and frustration at seeing other pregnant ladies or babies and young children.
It is reassuring to hear that these reactions are entirely normal following grief.
On Sunday, my cousin Rachel lost her partner to a long-term illness. The last few weeks had been a difficult struggle by the sound of it.
Previously, Paul had felt a lot better and happier when they were abroad in the warmer climes. But unfortunately, he took very ill and ended up in hospital. It reached a point where it was clear that the only option was to have an emergency repatriation so he could be in his local hospital with the consultants who knew his condition.
Things were looking really dire, but then he seemed to rally around only to pass on Sunday.
I've seen and heard that before about people who are dying. It is almost a process for the family watching and waiting. That they seem to be free of pain and having an amazing day, full of energy and zest before dying the next day. I don't know if it is natures way of trying to help people remember someone as they were before they got sick or is it is just the body's realisation that this is it and they shouldn't struggle any more.
I wanted Rachel to know Caz and I are thinking of her following Paul's death and so I crafted a greetings card for her and created a beaded angel.
I created a batch of these last Christmas. I felt it brought such peace to me to create these little colourful guardian angels. I hoped that gifting one might bring her the same emotions. I made it blue as Paul had blue eyes. I hope it is well received.
I told her some of the issues I've been experiencing - I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome in my left arm. It doesn't always hurt, it doesn't hurt at night like it is meant to, but I have a sore area on my forearm and occasional shooting pains that travel up my thumb and sometimes get numbness in my index and middle fingers. I get twinges in this when I reach or grasp items. She said we'll have to follow that up after
A few days ago, I decided on what to get/make my Dad for his upcoming birthday on the 15th of this month.
I thought about buying tickets to the British Super Bikes at Oulton Park but as he is still going through troubles with his broken wrist (broken in April!) my Mum and I thought that wouldn't be appropriate. So I considered making him something, perhaps sewing him an item.
A couple years back, I bought my Dad a Kindle. Why not make something to go with the Kindle?!
So, I sewed a kindle pouch!
Ruffled Kindle Case
I cut out the fabric a few days ago and have just built up the courage to get cracking and give it a go!
It needed interfacing to stiffen the fabric, ruffles to finish off the design and a ribbon, button loop and button! I hadn't really worked with any of these things before but I thought why not learn.
For the ruffle, in particular, I had to watch a YouTube video to understand what was going on. Even then, I felt quite lost and uncertain.
What is a basting stitch? Turns out it is just any long stitch on your machine - just remember not to back sew the beginning and end. I did that then realised I was essentially locking the thread in. So unpicked it and began that step again. You then pull two threads to gather the fabric. It felt completely rigid and unmoving, but then I was able to slide the fabric along the stitch if I held the two top ends like tooth floss, wrapped around my fingers tightly. It then began to gather really nicely!
Next, I got really stuck on a particular point where you slip the right way around outer into the inside out inner lining fabric. It didn't make sense to me. It sounded like it would permanently seal up the case, never to be open again.
I messaged my Mother-in-Law, but she couldn't make much more sense of it and said just to go through all the layers as it seems to say.
It didn't feel right. So I pinned the case open and sewed one side and then the other. You then pulled the 'outer' through the small gap in the bottom of the inner lining and it all worked out perfectly!
Well, I say perfectly... I managed to sew the button loop INSIDE the lining! I had to unpick a small gap, pull it through and sew it up again! n00b!
But it was complete and I'm proud! My next worry is that Dad might not initially get what it is! Maybe I can print a Kindle out and glue it to some cardboard?!
I was meeting my parents for coffee and cake at James Pringles Weavers store and cafe. I was running late after sorting out the eBay packages! So I text my Mum but was only about 7 minutes late in the end. Not too bad and at least I let them know!
We went to the cafe first and I had a hot chocolate and slice of Victoria Sponge while my parents had tea and shortbread biscuits.
We had a short stroll around the store and my Dad bought two new shirts but I didn't buy anything on this occasion. I've got plenty of stuff for our baby girl, I don't particularly need anything and although lots of the homewares were beautiful and Welsh food things lovely, I resisted and left empty-handed.
The eBay packages were sent off easily and I was able to update the items as 'dispatched'. That's the end of my selling stint, for now!
Learnt: Ruffles in sewing, something that I can maybe add to other future sewing projects.
Feel: I'm learning quickly and hopefully developing my skills and knowledge base.
Proud: That I've achieved a professional (if a tiny bit wonky) kindle pouch in a relatively short time.
I thought I'd finish with a picture of the butterfly Caz and I bought for Jesse's birthday. It was really catching the sun nicely in the early afternoon.
6th September
Be kind to yourself
There are times I know I just have to focus on self-care. I have to be gentle to myself and give myself allowances.
Before my loss, I would have berated myself, told myself to pull yourself together or something else typically unhelpful. Now, I realise the importance of being kind. I wouldn't treat Caz or anyone else that way if they weren't feeling on top form, so why should I be so mean to myself.
Now, when I start to feel low, I will read, listen to music, have a bath, have a treat. I will do something I love and something tried and tested that often helps to try and make myself start to pick up. Even if I don't improve I shouldn't give up. Just allowing myself to rest and just be really helps. Difficult times pass. It isn't necessarily the same with grief, I understand that now having gone a year down this path. It lessens or perhaps you become stronger, but it is always still there. There will be periods where I might be fine for ages and then it will hit me out of nowhere and I'll feel appalling again. You never know when it will attack you, but you just have to be gentle and ride it out as best you can.
Write a letter to the baby you lost
To be fair, I have written a fair few notes and letters to Jesse over the year.
In the process of sorting through my things at work, I discovered one such letter. I didn't completely finish the letter, but it achieves what I needed and got a lot of my thoughts and feelings out and onto the paper.
"To my Jesse,
I knew I wanted a family and really wanted a baby but what I hadn't anticipated and realised how much I specifically wanted you.
When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so nervously excited.
I realised I'm still relatively young at heart and am massively inadequately experienced with babies. It's like I can barely look after myself nevermind someone who is trusting and reliant on me. But I know I would find out how to look after you. No doubt you would help me and show me what you needed. We would have made it work, we would have developed a bond and almost a telepathic sense.
I don't know if you were a boy or girl, not that it would matter. I'd strive to give you all the opportunities you deserved and help you to excel in whatever your heart could dream up.
Now that you are gone, I feel empty. I feel like a part of me died that day along with you.
I never anticipated how difficult this journey and subsequent life without you would be. You were my mini-me and my hopes and dreams.
I am really struggling with carrying on with my life now. I want to be with you but ultimately I know I need to carry on and be even stronger for you.
You didn't get a chance at life and so now I want you to experience it through me.
I want to apologise. I feel so guilty that you died. I know in my heart it wasn't my fault but with having no answers to pin the blame on I pin it to myself.
I feel bad that I don't say 'morning' or 'night' to you. I feel like I should talk to you, but I just don't know how."
When I got home, I baked that lemon drizzle traybake!
It was quite a quick and easy mixture - butter, caster sugar, self-raising flour, baking powder, 4 eggs, a bit of milk and zest of 3 lemons.
Once baked, you drizzled over a mixture of granulated sugar mixed with the juice of 3 lemons. Then you decorated it with 12 slices of candied lemon that you made by bringing to the boil water and caster sugar.
I was a little disappointed the candied lemon wasn't quite as crunchy or zesty as I'd hoped and the drizzle didn't go crispy but stayed really moist. I might tweak the ingredients or methods in the future if I create this again. But it didn't seem to matter, it looked great!
I'm finally on to the last chapter of The Girl's guide to hunting and fishing... I've not particularly warmed to it or the characters and am glad I'm almost done with this book.
Learnt: How to make a candied lemon.
Feel: Candied citrus fruits might be another string to my bow. I could maybe attempt to make marmalade or other bakes in the future!
Proud: The cake looks and smells amazing.
I discovered a perfect 'Love Heart' to put on the mantlepiece for Jesse - 'My Angel'.
Conserve your energy
So many things can help improve your energy - a healthy diet, exercising, getting enough sleep, worrying less, meditating, expecting less.
I often set such high goals for myself that I never actually achieve and feel a failure. I put too much pressure on myself and am so tough on myself.
After I completed my MBSR course (mindfulness-based stress reduction) I continued to practise meditation daily, or even several times a day for, a few months afterwards. But then life became a bit much with being pregnant. I tried to do everything and it became overwhelming. Something had to give and unfortunately, it was the mindfulness. I know it is something that could have helped me and keep me balanced throughout this pregnancy after loss journey, but I didn't see that at the time. It is something I can pick up again now, at any point, but I'm just so drained. Making excuses doesn't help either! I just need to work out the bare essentials for life and ensure I do those to keep myself sane!
Try to accept you are not alone and that people do understand the pain you are experiencing
There are people out there in this life that do actually understand. It isn't necessarily my friends or family as I don't actually know many people who have walked this path in life previously. The place I feel accepted and validated are some online groups on Facebook.
I could talk openly about exactly how I was feeling, tell them about the emotions I'd experienced that day, share poems or songs or just quietly know that I'm not alone because these people also exist and also went through what I'm going through. I am never alone, I just have to look towards the places I never expected to find solace - in pretty anonymous social media situations!
I was woken up by my tummy just giving up the will to live. I had pain all around my abdomen and I really feared the worst. Turns out I just have picked up a stomach bug or something. I've not been sick but I don't feel great. Just drained and fed up!
With feeling a bit under the weather, I had to have a nap at lunchtime. I feel a bit of a plonker sat snoozing in my car, but what choice do I have?! I am exhausted and need to rest wherever and whenever I can.
The lemon drizzle tray bake is amazing. I liked it anyway! I took most of it into work and a few people tried it and thought it was nice. One even took a second slice and another took a slice home for his wife!
I've been debating on what the future will hold for me. I will be a bit short of cash during maternity leave. Plus, we have been thinking that it might be best that I work part-time initially to be around to care for my baby. That will leave me quite empty in the purse sector... So I have been idly thinking about what I could do to top up my income.
I enjoy doing craft. I have a lot of supplies and enthusiasm to experiment using trial and error to create new designs. I love creating jewellery and have been enjoying some of the sewing I've done so far. I also love doing cross-stitch and find it all very therapeutic.
Perhaps I could sell my wares and make a bit extra on the side as a hobbyist seller?
It made me think about how you go about it officially and properly.
I would need a business name. I feel something to do with Jesse or my future baby girl's name might be a great place to start. To pick something I love and want to give my all to make it work, for them.
I've been searching and have found a few online jewellery courses and also courses in creating a social presence and starting up a business. These are definitely things I'll look more into.
I don't plan on just leaping into it. I want to just carry on experimenting and making new things as a hobby initially. Perhaps, once my baby girl is 6-months old I will look into getting advice from Career Wales or other resources. In about a year's time, I would register my business and get it properly started.
I want to do this properly!
Learnt: Found a jewellery business starter course. It is something I am idly thinking about for the future and to give it my best consideration, I want to know how to do it properly and give it my best, educated shot not just a stab in the dark and hope for the best.
Feel: A sense of determination about potentially setting up a business in the future. I'm hoping to learn a few more techniques and refine my skills in the process too.
Proud: That I'm considering options for the future. Returning to work is a possibility but if I'm able to work from home, doing what I love, earn enough to top up the bills and maybe get in some of life's little luxuries and always being available for my baby then that would be ideal.
Walter sitting with his favourite person!
With the kids starting school or going back to school there will be empty seats in the classroom for those that never got the chance to have their first day.
Here is a little message to the Mum's and Dad's that are affected by this but are never remembered.
8th September
Face the unresolved
There are always battles or trials in life. Some are difficult and others are easy. Some solutions are obvious and others take time to consider, for you to take a step back and a deep breath before you can fulfil them.
There are also some issues you can never resolve. These issues are outside of your control and you need to accept them and move on. There is nothing you can do about these.
Be in the moment
The 'Saying Goodbye' book recommends reminding yourself how strong you are and reassure yourself that you can and will cope with all you are enduring.
It can feel relentless and neverending when you are going through the darkest times, but there are glimmers of hope. There are good times, good days and even these turn in to batches of good weeks. I survived the sheer painful and dramatic physical side of miscarriage. Of course, I am strong. My body recovered, quite quickly from what I remember. I recall saying to Caz I could almost feel my belly shrinking back and probably with a month I was 'normal' again with no external signs to show what I had gone through. That is strength.
I often remind myself of my resilience. I have gone through cancer, through health problems at various stages in my life and yet I'm still standing. I can cope with anything. I might not realise it at the time, but I often come out the other side still smiling, just about.
I'm definitely not feeling 100% still. Hopefully, after a day of rest, it will improve.
It was definitely a day where you say sod it and have a maple latte and slice of cake.
I decided to have a go at sewing some Christmas ornaments.
The first was a bit wonky and then when I tried to do the second, the tension went funny. I unpicked the seam and tried again. Still the same - the spool was literally jumping in the casing and the lower stitches were looping and not taut. I ended up having to walk away from the machine as I knew I would get a bit cross and frustrated.
About 2 hours later, I decided to approach the machine more logically. I wouldn't set about trying to sew any more decorations just yet, but I wanted to sort out the machine.
I found the instructions for my particular machine online and set about dismantling it! First I removed the needle gubbins and then the footplate that covers all the workings beneath the needle. I took out the spool holder and could not see any problems. I thought maybe some lint had built up underneath there or bits of thread, but it was completely clear. I gave it a few blows to dislodge anything I couldn't see and then put it together again. I grabbed two offcuts of fabric and stitched them together. They came out perfectly. So I've 'fixed' my sewing machine! Seemingly just taking it apart and putting it together again helped somehow!
I have finally finished reading The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing. Rubbish book.
Here is my review:
"This book came with high acclaim and good reviews. Maybe that upped my expectations but I came away feeling quite disappointed and unsatisfied.
The writing felt very immature - a throwback to how I used to quote when I was in primary school; he said "this" and she said "that".
There were very little descriptors about the settings and characters; everything felt flat and definitely not technicolour.
I had kept an open mind when I was reading the first section, the character was young, so perhaps she'd develop and the writing style would advance with it. No such luck.
I didn't warm to the characters at all and find I was grateful I finished the book. Like a rubbish film, you have to get to the end just to make sure what you imagined actually happened.
The comparisons to Bridget Jones' Diary are to high a praise for this book. I thought, especially with the title, that she might be on a voyage to independence and develop into a strong woman but actually, it was very sexist and I felt quite frustrated by the outdated and misogynistic views of women. Disappointing read and I'd not recommend. Try it if you want, but that's my pennies worth..."
Learnt: How to dismantle my sewing machine
Feel: A bit more savvy about what is what and how to make small fine adjustments to the machine
Proud: That I stepped away from the machine before I became too frustrated but came back to it and seemingly fixed it.
Walter sleeping on my Caz!
Add adventure
This isn't just adrenaline-fueled hobbies as I initially thought or travelling the globe but to try something new, something a little different to your normal.
I like to think I do this quite often. I try to bake something new, I'll cook a new cuisine or recipe, I try my hand at a sewing project that requires a new skill, I make jewellery that uses different techniques or I read a book by an author I've never heard of or a genre I wouldn't normally try. That is all adventure.
You might have comfort zones and try and limit how often you step out of that to try something new but your worrying usually isn't fulfilled and you actually enjoy yourself.
Go onto the Saying Goodbye facebook page and read stores from other people
It is true that you can't understand baby loss unless you experience it. People can empathise but can't sympathise as they haven't walked that path. They can't understand as they haven't felt the sheer weight of the grief that holds you down each day. They can't appreciate how difficult it can be to just get out of bed in the morning and nevermind achieve anything that day! It is such a relief to realise you aren't going mad and that there are others out there who feel as lost and as heavy as you do. You aren't alone.
I'm feeling a lot better but I've decided to remain on a diet of simple foods and plenty of fluids to make sure I'm fully fighting fit again.
I sorted out our bookshelf. We've accumulated quite a collection of books over a wide variety of genres.
I had them sorted mostly by category/genre, but that meant some shelves had barely any books on and others were bursting. It wasn't the best way to sort our books.
So I thought I'd give a go at sorting them alphabetically by author. So much neater! Yes, the genres are quite mixed now. But surely it is a little easier to find KING for example to find a bit of horror and intrigue!
I also added all the books to my library on Goodreads. I've got them all listed as 'want to read' and so I can easily sort them now by author or average rating to help me decide what to read next!
As I'm feeling a bit rough, I thought it would be a good idea to have a bath. It was lovely. Warming and bubbly! Just what I needed.
With Caz feeling fed up with his hernia pain, he hasn't been in the mood to watch the BTCC from Knockhill which is now over a fortnight ago. But today he fancied watching the first race. Jump on that offer while it lasts!
We carried on with Vanity Fair. It seems to be on Sunday's and Monday's.
Becky is definitely developing as an individual. you feel more of a hope that she thrives if only to annoy some of the relatives that she is a governess for. She's struck up an unlikely friendship but part of me is still a bit cynical thinking this might be because she is trying to weave her way in on purpose and warm herself to this person in order to benefit from an inheritance. But maybe I am just being a bit pessimistic and presumptive of her...
The next book I'm reading is the first in the trilogy for Hunger Games.
It is quite an easy read and I flew through the first chapter. I never know if it is good to read something that has also been televised/made into a movie. It takes away your imagination and you just rely on one person's interpretation of the novel as to the landscape, surrounding, goings on and characters. But I've not actually seen the movies based on this book so it might not be a problem for me.
Learnt: The best way to sort a library is alphabetical by author.
Feel: A bit more organised.
Proud: I got all the books neatly sorted, arranged and indexed!
The sunset from what will be my baby girl's room.
A perfect view for a perfect little girl.
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