Week 32

17th September

Well, I feel minging but not awful with this cold. So into work I go.

Dinner tonight was Dominos because why not!

I installed a new game on Steam tonight - The Stanley Parable. It was really quite funny!
You are Stanley and you work a desk job and do exactly as the monitor of your computer tells you to do. What to press, when to have a break. Then one day, you realise you haven't had any instructions for ages. So you venture out of your office. No one else is around.
You can roam the corridors and you can attempt to escape, but can you?!
I literally think there was a different outcome on the tens of times I attempted the game! The narrator gets increasingly more frustrated with you and more ponderous with each further escape attempt.
Surreal but really good!

We watched a show about Brexit with an interview with the PM.
Interesting, frustrating.

Learnt: To keep cracking on. I only have a few more days left, I might as well try and keep going until the end.
Feel: Despite feeling grim, but better than yesterday, I still went to work. Normally, I might have made excuses not to go.
Proud: That I can power through when needed, especially knowing I'm not putting myself at risk as I have a day off tomorrow to catch up on rest.

18th September

I feel like shite.
So drained, cough, sore throat, joints ache, diarrhoea.

I had another blood test this morning so I'm not holding out hope at it being much good with my body definitely currently fighting something off.
The screen in the waiting room was broken.

Afterwards, I went to The Range and bought more crafty things - lots of beads and card supplies to keep me going for a while and for a really good price!

There has been a drive-thru Starbucks at a local garage on the dual carriageway for a month or so now but for some reason, I haven't yet been.
Pumpkin spice latte it is!

I watched some episodes of Reign before I needed to be at my next stop.

Today is my follow-up psychology appointment.
I'm feeling a lot more balanced lately. Nothing is overwhelming, nothing is getting me down and stopping me from moving forward.
I basically just brought up about Caz and his health and how that is quite concerning but there is obviously no point worrying about it now as we don't have a proper diagnosis yet.
I also said about epidural and giving birth. Birth is a completely natural and normal process for women. But as it needs to be done in the hospital, I'm associating it with being really unwell. The epidural is scaring me too. To lose control of your legs and need a catheter really take me back to my transplant operation.
I was confined in bed for about 48 hours after that op and needed a catheter, a morphine drip, a blood transfusion, a port in my neck for doing treatment, a drain to make sure there was no fluid building up around the surgery. It brings it all back and is a bit scary. Mind over matter though no doubt. I've been through worse so I can do this.

I met Caz at the Llangefni hospital and we went to our first antenatal class!
There were about 10 couples there in all.
This time it was about signs of labour, tens machine, birthing balls, keeping active in labour and the various positions you can take up to give birth as well as suitable snacks for keeping you going during labour.
Next week it will be more about breastfeeding, nappies and caring for the baby. I might actually feel like I will learn something next time. I had read up all about labour and the birth so knew what they would cover.

I couldn't manage my dinner in the evening. I am just feeling so achy and miserable.
Literally, after I left the antenatal class I felt awful. Tomorrow is my maternity leaving lunch and I don't want to miss it! Hopefully with a lot of rest tonight I should be able to go in tomorrow.

Learnt: My mental health seems to be improving and I'm able to locate similar experiences that I've been through before that help me get over hurdles now.
Feel: Pleased and reassured that I'm much more level-headed, especially with others. If I can't control it I let it go and don't waste my energy on it with worry.
Proud: That I know that although I might encounter difficulties that I'm able to find an inner strength to continue.

19th September

I made it in!
I feel a lot better just full of sniffles and coughs. At least the achiness has passed.

I spotted a rainbow form my desk, maybe a good sign?!

Lunch was really nice. I was taken there by Christine along with Jo and Donna.
It was so windy!

Who knew that such a lovely restaurant can be nestled in a caravan park!
The restaurant is called Signatures and the lunch menu was amazing!
https://www.darwinescapes.co.uk/parks/aberconwy-resort-spa/signatures-restaurant/menus/

The building looks lovely, it is pretty much right by the sea so a beautiful setting with views of the mountains.
When I walked in there was a long table booked for our crowd and two helium balloons! One was massive pick balloon saying "It's a girl" and the other a smaller blue "sorry you are leaving" balloon. It was quite a surprise!

The waiting staff were really pleasant and friendly and our food came pretty quickly as we had preordered.

I went for Fish and Chips. The chips were hand-cut, triple cooked chips and were really lovely! I don't usually like chunky chips but these were the nicest I'd had.
Others went for paninis, other mains and even quesadillas. Quite a lot of choice!

It was a nice relaxed lunch but as I was relying on a lift it did drag on to an hour and a half in the end. I will come in early tomorrow to make up for it.

Learnt: That people do actually care about me.
Feel: Surprised that people are fond of me and want the best for me.
Proud: That my leaving lunch wasn't just me and the immediate girls but a whole variety of people! It is nice to leave knowing people think highly of me.

20th September

I came in for 07:30 this morning. That felt difficult as I'm feeling really tired and starting to feel more poorly now.

I had a catch up with Rob and that went well.
He says he is pleased for me and that I've come this far with my baby.
I talked about my objectives from this year and how they were set when I was still working for the operations team but now I'm seconded to the BP project. In his mind, he feels I've achieved 100% of my objectives despite this.

Also, he said he thought highly of me returning to work after the miscarriage and then carrying on with my new pregnancy but still tackling issues head-on. I'm a tough cookie you see. I don't give up easily. I won't be defeated. He mentioned how I'm still a very conscientious member of staff and help out where I can when no one else is around or where there are gaps in the knowledge and I never seem to just switch off from my old role. I forward emails that come directly to me, I check things have been followed up, I come up with new suggestions.
I guess it is ingrained in me now really!

I mentioned my worry that there isn't a role to return to. That Dave came in as a replacement for me and Patricia has also stepped in to fill the gaps.
But Rob said he would be over the moon if I decided to return and come back to my old position.
I'm not sure that will happen. I want to see how life feels first before I make any decisions, but it is good to know my options.
Other options include part-time working, reducing responsibilities or remaining on secondment to Tom's team. Time will tell.

Learnt: That I'm still an appreciated member of the team.
Feel: Verified in what I do and the fact that I care about my quality of work.
Proud: That I still have it in me to work at a higher level with more responsibilities, should I choose to.

21st September

Good Lord, I feel a mess. I'm taking today off.

But I've seen this so can't all be bad.

Caz has managed to swap days off with his colleague as he is feeling the cold creeping in too. He is making me go to the GP today as it is coming up to the weekend and it'd be better to be seen now than before I start to get really quite ill.
We saw Dr Catrin. I do but don't like her. She is very matter of fact which in some circumstances can seem heartless. But this is just a cold so I'm sure she can handle it.
She listened to my chest, checked my throat and it doesn't seem like it is a chest injection yet and not flu.
But she has prescribed me some antibiotics, just in case. I've been told to take them if I get worse or am bringing up lots of mucus.
I'm not a doctor so how do I know when I reach that point? It seems a bit stupid really to prescribe something but not be able to hand it to you and leave the decision in your hands.

I took the prescription around to the pharmacy. But they couldn't dispense it as it was a 'deferred' prescription so I can only put it in after a certain date. Stupid Dr.

The people who are building the garage should have turned up this afternoon.
Later on, Caz had a phone call from one of them.
They were on route from Newcastle on Tyne and had to pull over as the one took ill. It got to the point where this lad needed an ambulance and got taken to Lancaster Hospital.
It turns out he has an ulcer and needs to stay in the hospital for an operation.
So the driver had to go back home, pick up another lad and come down to us! What an eventful journey!
Can't fault them for that though. They did what was needed in the situation.

As I'm going to achieve exactly zero things in the next few days with this cold/virus, I will leave off the learnt/feel/proud section for now, until I can start to feel I've actually done something again.

22nd September

The builders arrived!

I think I might be feeling a little brighter in myself.

I did a few little bits of craft - I made a card for my parent's anniversary that is coming up on the 29th of September, I wrapped Elin's birthday present and I created little snowman pompoms. They should look really cute, especially once I've had a chance to stick on some eyes and buttons!

23rd September

I don't feel any better today.
My sleep is going downhill. I find when I'm lying down that the mucus settles and it ends up wheezing and rattling causing a coughing fit.
I had to end up sleeping propped upright on pillows. That is so uncomfortable - to sleep upright. My bum hurts from the pressure put on it and my neck aches from my head lilting off to one side!

I decided, for the first time in ages, to do a bit of cross-stitch.

The first kit I picked up from my supplies smelt bad. It was donated to me from a colleague at work. But her family smokes. The thread, the Aida, it all smells of smoke. I don't know if I can wash them or just put Fabreeze on them to make them smell better. But it was just making me feel sick and I knew the smell would seep into my fingers and never go away.

So I dug out the next kit I had - a Christmas one.
Little did I know how complicated it would be.
Walter is a good little craft buddy!

Along with a small amount of actual cross-stitch, there were backstitches and French Knots (I'd done these before so just needed to remind myself how to go about it) but also 'lazy daisy' and fractional stitches.
Lazy daisy looks quite effective. You essentially create a loop and tether it down with a little stitch. It makes wonderful petals and leaves.
The fractional ones take a little bit more to get my head around. The can be quarter, half or three-quarter stitches. So you end up having to push the needle through parts which aren't holes in the fabric. It is like you are going against the grain and forcing it to happen.
I do get why they exist, it does make it look nicer when you come to outline rather than having overhanging stitches, it all seems a little neater.

I think, despite being 3-inches by 3-inches, that it will take a little longer to complete than I originally thought!