Jesse's due date

The 28th of February is a big and scary even for us, it is what would have been Jesse's due date.
Dreading it doesn't even cover how I felt.
I wondered if my body might still be preparing to give birth as I've been feeling sensations in my uterus and such. But mostly, I just feel hollow and empty.

I had been mulling over since October about what to do, how to mark the date. We had talked together and felt that the date Jesse entered the world (15th August) was more important to us. The due date was an estimate anyway. Jesse might have been early or late.
But I still wanted to do something.
One thought I had was to get a memorial tattoo. But what to have?
The first idea was an infinity symbol with 2 hearts incorporated and a butterfly flying away.
Something a little like this...

I'd been in touch with a great tattoo artist from our nearby town, and she had some good ideas and suggestions.
She felt that I should get something quite unique to capture Jesse. She got the feeling that I was quite a calm and peaceful person and thought focussing on the butterfly might be more me. A mandala style butterfly tying in the baby loss charity ribbon. Perhaps something like this...

I wasn't overly convinced. I showed people at work and they thought it was lovely. But there was something holding me back from wanting to commit to it 100%.

Then I had a bit of a spark of an idea and thought why not have half mandala style butterfly and then have the second wing as a crescent moon with a star hanging from the tip?
The symbolism was "whisper I love you to a butterfly and it will fly your message to heaven" and a moon and star because my parents named a star in Jesse's honour.
I felt right. I was certain this was the right design.

The day before I went to get my tattoo done I was so overwhelmed with sadness and grief. I had to take the day off sick from work just so I could sob my heart out and try and get myself back on a more even keel again. It is funny how you just can't control how you feel. Sometimes I believe your body just needs to release. And so I did just that.

On Tuesday the 27th, in time for Jesse's due date, I went to get my tattoo!
Tattooing video
And here it is, in its full glory on my left forearm:

I am so pleased I got it.
I felt such a sense of peace afterwards like I have done the right thing and Jesse is pleased and will be forever etched on my arm - wearing my heart on my sleeve from now on.

On the actual due date, Caz and I had the day off.
We just stayed close, were reflective about life and managed to go out for coffee and cake at a local cafe. We didn't achieve much, but we did what we felt was right at the time. Something simple and thoughtful, keeping Jesse to the front of our minds.