Dreams turning to Dust

*Disclaimer - this post contains sensitive content about miscarriage. If this is too raw or a possible trigger for you, please click back now.*

On Saturday the 12th of August, I began to have some light spotting. I told Caz but he immediately started to flap. I needed us to be calm otherwise I knew I would break down. I just didn't know what was happening or why.

Typically, emergencies do also happen outside of the normal working hours of Monday to Friday, 9 to 5. So just when you need them, no one is available to contact. I managed to find the emergency midwife number and gave them a ring. They reassured me that this could be quite normal and that unless I was saturating the pad every hour then there was no need for them to see me. That I should just keep an eye on it and take paracetamol if the pain was too much. They also let me know that there were no scanning facilities open in the hospital over the weekend so they couldn't check even if they wanted to.

I tried to put it to the back of my mind, but when you see small clots on the toilet paper as you wipe you can't help but feel panicked.

By Sunday I started to experience a dull ache low in my abdomen. Now the spotting had turned to more of a brown coloured discharge and was getting more and more clear during the day. I felt quite hopeful that perhaps this was just a warning sign to ease back at work and let someone else have the stress for a change rather than me taking the full burden on my shoulders.

Come Monday the blood had turned more fresh and heavier. The pain was also intensifying. I was so scared and didn't know what to do. I really had a sense of foreboding.
I phoned the emergency midwife back and she said it would be better to wait until 9 to phone my usual midwife or to ring the GP.
The GP surgery reminded me that I had to call at 8 am if I wanted an appointment that day. When I told them it was due to bleeding during pregnancy they were a little more sympathetic and managed to find a slot at 5 pm.
I also got through to my midwife and she said pretty much exactly the same as the emergency midwife. It wasn't reassuring. I knew something bad was happening. I also knew that even during my heavy periods that not much blood leaked through on to the pad. It was only when I go to the bathroom that anything passed. I sensed that even if this was a miscarriage, that I wouldn't be bleeding as much as they said I should as it would only pass when I go to the bathroom. I just needed someone to listen to my worries and take me seriously.

Caz came with me to the GP appointment. We checked in on the machine in the foyer and then waited to be called.
A nice GP, Dr. Morris, I hadn't seen before took care of me. He listened to me attentively and was really quite sympathetic and the most human medical professional I had met in a long time. He wanted to do a physical examination and check out if my cervix was open or closed as that would give a more definitive answer. He called the nurse through as a chaperone and I stripped from the waist down. I didn't feel cringe or awkward, I just wanted to have answers.
It looked like the cervix was closed. A potentially good sign, even though Caz and I both knew in our gut that this was a miscarriage, but he wanted me to go for a scan at 10 am on Tuesday to 100% be sure.

At bedtime, Caz wanted to put bio-oil on my belly as he had been doing each night for weeks. I snapped "what is the point?" and burst into tears.
We both knew this was it.
The last chance to do something nice for the Baby.
He rubbed the oil in tenderly and the smell was so familiar that it was comforting.
I asked him if he could kiss my belly. It just popped into my head that if he missed this opportunity that he might regret it in weeks to come.
He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on my slightly bulging belly.
We both cried hot and emotional tears and held each other to fall asleep.

During that night I had so much cramping in my belly. I couldn't get comfortable and didn't sleep well at all.
I woke up quite early and ended up sitting on the toilet for what felt like an age. My stomach was just aching so much and blood was seemingly streaming out of me. I then felt myself go pale like the blood just rushed from my head. I was feeling so weak and was slumped back against the cistern of the toilet. I honestly thought I might black out. But the pain eased and I left the bathroom.
We then both got up at that point and went downstairs.
I needed the toilet again. I was getting more and more nervous each time I went to the toilet in case this time it was the end.
This time I felt a large clot pass through. I remember thinking I wonder if that was the Baby.
I felt another clot pass. When I wiped I ensured I didn't throw the paper down the bowl.
I looked in but couldn't really tell.
Taking my birthstone opal ring off, I reached in and felt a warm round object. I hooked it out with my hand and shouted for Caz. He came in and jumped into action. With some tissue paper, he stopped this item from falling back into the toilet while I went to the kitchen and got a brand new Tupperware pot to place it in.

I had lost our Baby.

Looking at it, it was like a little water balloon.
It was about 4-6cm in diameter.
There was pinky gray tissue at one end and it was a clear sac filled with fluid.
You couldn't really see through into it, but I knew our little Baby was in there.

We were now a Mummy and Daddy to an Angel Baby.