I knew I wanted to do something to mark Jesse's passing. I couldn't just let it go by without acknowledging the occasion, no matter how saddening it may be.
After looking on forums and Facebook pages about miscarriage and lost babies I had a bit of an idea in my head.
We mentioned ideas to our parents and they actually helped us quite a bit with some extra research and talking to people who could make it happen.
Cremation was an option.
The hospital offered this but it would be in mass with all the other lost babies. You wouldn't be able to have any ashes to bring home. Caz and I felt like we wanted to have Jesse here with us.
We thought about contacting our local crematorium but wanted to exhaust other options first. I just couldn't really bear the possibility they would say Jesse was 'too small' to make any ashes for.
We discovered that the church in the village my husband grew up in was open to the possibility of burying the remains in a family grave.
The vicar was happy to do a naming ceremony too. But we had our hearts set on having Jesse here.
We didn't want to bury Jesse in the garden; we just couldn't 100% guarantee we would never move house. Yes, we designed and built it especially to have a family, but one day we might come across a place even more fitting, a small holding perhaps, or we might need to downsize as we get older or our health deteriorates.
But then I saw a few heartbroken families had bought planters and beautiful shrubs or trees to place in there with the baby's remains.
This felt like a real option for us. It would be like having a positive outcome from such a negative situation. Life coming about because of death. The plant would thrive from the lost soul placed beneath it.
Caz and I went on a mission to our local garden centre.
We were just wandering up and down the aisles until I saw these little wooden trinket boxes.
That might be perfect as a mini casket.
It was engraved with the word 'LOVE' across the top. It was a very fitting final resting place.
We then found a large planter in a lovely calming shade of bluey green. It was neutral enough to not be specifically for a boy or girl.
There were a few to choose from - some had dragon flies or swirling leaves embossed on them but we chose a butterfly.
I'd always felt butterflies had more meaning behind them. Remembering back to a novel I had read where this woman had lost her husband, she would be visited by butterflies. It would sit on her telephone or on a certain favourite object of hers and she felt it was her husband visiting.
Walking around all the plants, flowers, trees and shrubs we weren't really finding anything that struck us with inspiration.
Then I spotted this small shrub with variegated leaves. Looking closer, I noticed there were perfectly formed but tiny white flowers on the stems.
The shrub was called Luma Apiculata "Glanleam Gold". I had never heard of it before, but on reading the tag it said it was:
"An evergreen shrub with peeling cinnamon-brown and creamy white bark. Aromatic dark green leaves, margined creamy yellow with clusters of cup-shaped white flowers from July to October followed by purple berries around August."
It really caught our eye then and when it flowered and bore fruit would be perfect timing to when Jesse passed.
We also bought an Erigeron "Karvinskianus (Mexican Fleabane)" which looked daisy like with draping and trailing stems. It would look like a lovely little waterfall over the edge of the planter.
Along with this, we bought a pack of Violas to plant around the main flowering shrub.
When we returned home, after the obligatory lunch out at the garden centre (we both had lasagna, mine was Parmesan and mushroom and Caz's beef), we set to work planting out the pot.
Firstly, we decided to put a few of our belongings in the wooden trinket along with Jesse so they were close to us and could have something to remember us by.
We cut up one of Caz's oldest, favourite t-shirts. I have known this t-shirt since I met him and haven't been able to make him part with it. This acted as the base, something comfy to place Jesse on.
On either side, we wanted to place a little keepsake from each of us.
From me, there was a teddy bear pendant that I remember buying on a family holiday when I was about 11 or so and from Caz a guitar plectrum. Whenever I feel sad or lonely and want to know Caz is with me, even when he can't physically be there, I always ask him to give me a plectrum.
We gently placed Jesse in the centre and then over the top of it, we draped over a piece of one of my favourite scarves. It really smelt of me and felt so comforting and familiar. I knew it might bring comfort to little Jesse too.
I was still bleeding heavily and felt so drained, so, unfortunately, all I could do was watch Caz put in the plants.
This felt very symbolic and reminded me of the earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust passage you hear during burials. I'm not religious, but I could almost hear the below going through my head.
"We commend unto thy hands of mercy, most merciful Father, the soul of this our brother departed, and we commit his body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. And we beseech thine infinite goodness to give us grace to live in thy fear and love and to die in thy favour, that when the judgement shall come which thou hast committed to thy well-beloved Son, both this our brother and we may be found acceptable in thy sight. Grant this, O merciful Father, for the sake of Jesus Christ, our only Saviour, Mediator, and Advocate.
Amen."
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