Our little family

Everything is so raw. The emotions, the pain.
I am still bleeding and just want this process to end.

Miscarriage is horrendous, you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.
You don't just lose your pregnancy, you lose your Baby too and all your hopes and dreams with it.
You want to begin grieving but your body needs to heal.
How do you think? Can you even focus? What is happening?

Through all of these difficult thoughts, one thing I knew was we would regret certain things if we didn't do them.
One of these was holding the Baby and being with them.
But first a name.

We had shortlisted a few names already. We went through family trees and picked out names that had a nice ring to them or that elicited happy memories to us. You have to find a balance between both families - each has to be represented!

But this was different, this was special.
How do you find a name fitting enough to represent someone who tried so hard to grow but in the end had the grace to realise that this just wasn't meant for them. They were ready to go even if you weren't.
We also didn't know if the Baby was a boy or a girl. What is a neutral enough name?
Then it just came to me. What about Jesse?
I discovered that Jesse means "Gift".
A gift is what they were.
A gift to us to make us a family.
We became a Mum and Dad because of the Baby, it is just that they were our Angel Baby.
They also gifted to us a new perspective and a will to carry on.
We've become more resilient and our bond stronger.

Now on to holding our little Jesse.
This has to be up there with some of the most incredibly difficult things I have ever done.

Your children shouldn't die before you, it just isn't the right way around.
You want to be able to hold your Baby when they are wriggling or kicking and screaming.
Not to just be this lifeless object.
But Jesse was once full of life and had a good go but just wasn't meant to be.

I've cropped these photos to not include Jesse, but just know our emotional eyes are gazing upon them. Our hearts were truly breaking to do this, but we will forever be grateful that we did.

Afterwards, we held each other and cried so much that our eyes hurt.
This shouldn't have happened, but it did. We have to accept that.
The sun continues to shine and everyone still goes about their business. Life carries on.
It is hugely different and not as you had planned but you have to move forward for your Baby's sake. To not let their passing just go to waste. Let it be a time to reflect on everything and then embrace life.
Easier said than done...!
We are now going through the process of picking up the pieces and trying to use this as a second chance. Each new blog post will be our little steps in getting back to some sense of normality, healing our hearts and one day, perhaps, expanding our family.
You never forget and you will always love your sweet Angel Baby.