This is the backstory leading up to my pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. The posts aren't intended to distress anyone but is more of a therapy for myself and if it can help just one person to not feel alone during this awful time, then my aim has been achieved.
I'm 31 and live in Anglesey, the UK, with my Husband of 7 years, Caz.
We met in college at sweet 16 and there was just this magical spark. Caz described it as the room lighting up when I walked in. He could always tell when I entered a room, no matter how crowded.
But it took us another 3 years until we actually told the other how we felt and we finally got together.
By 2007 we moved in together in a rented bungalow. Later that year, Caz popped the question. It was on our anniversary. We had gone out for dinner at a local Italian restaurant. He suggested we go home for coffee and when I went to make it, I came out and he was down on one knee holding a small jewellery box. I, of course, said yes! I knew Caz was the one for me. We thought so similarly and would finish each other's sentences. He was my soulmate.
In 2008, we had saved enough money to put down as a deposit on our very own house. It was a little bungalow with a small garden, but it was ours.
Two years later, we got married! It was a perfect day in a little country house hotel. We had our nearest and dearest with us; quite an intimate ceremony with just 32 guests.
On beginning our married life, we always knew we wanted to have a family together. To be able to combine the best (or worst!) of each other in creating a mini us would just be a dream come true.
However, there was a sticking point. As a child, I had survived a Wilms tumour (kidney cancer) and gruelling chemo and radiotherapies. It had left my remaining kidney quite damaged with the side effects from the therapies as well as being under more pressure over the subsequent years.
I needed a kidney transplant.
9 months later, I had the extra lifeline I needed. My Dad donated a kidney to me to give me a second chance at life and to fulfil my wishes.
I was advised to allow 2 years for everything to settle before we even started thinking about starting a family.
We then embarked on a huge project - we built our own house!
Using the services of an architect and a building firm, we were able to design and build the house of our dreams. It took about a year and a half in planning and 12 months of actual physical graft, but we got there!
This put our family plans on hold for a little longer. We wanted to have a future proofed family home to be able to start our family in. A designated bedroom and playroom were built in mind of having a child. We were also lucky enough to be able to budget for a large garden that you could spend hours pottering, or play, in all day!
I brought up with my kidney consultant that I would like to start a family, that now felt like the right time if my health was up to it. My results had been stable for a long time and so they were happy to go ahead with our plans.
First, however, my medications had to be changed. The tablets I was on to keep my body from rejecting the kidney would be harmful to a baby. The pills could cause defects, miscarriage or stillbirth.
I transitioned on to new, safer medications and after 6 months of settling on these pills, we were ready to start our family.
A year and a half of trying to conceive with no luck was causing my heart to sink. Each time my menstrual period came along was another fresh wave of disappointment and feeling incapable of getting off the starting blocks.
Then in June, I started to feel really exhausted. Initially, I put this down to running daily on a challenge I had signed up to. But I just couldn't shake this heavy feeling in my legs; it was as if my legs were filled with cement. Shortly after, I was 2 days late for my period. This had happened once before. I was actually 5 days later on one occasion. But only when I made a cup of coffee, my absolute favourite drink, and I turned my nose up at it thinking it tasted of chemicals was the first moment I really started to think I could be pregnant.
I got home and went to the downstairs loo. In the cabinet there I always have pregnancy tests, just in case. I did the test, but I really didn't know what it meant. There was a very faint line showing. I asked Caz for his opinion but he wasn't sure either.
The next day, the 23rd of June, I went to work via the supermarket to buy a digital pregnancy test. That was literally the longest couple of minutes in my life - waiting for the result to show.
But there it was, the word pregnant along with 1-2 weeks. I was so excited I actually squeaked and then proceeded to cry and do a little dance of joy! Too eager to wait and tell Caz in the evening, I messaged him with a picture of the test. He was so overjoyed!
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