It's good to talk

For whatever reason, whether I blame myself for all of this, it is so easy to become a bit of a reclusive hermit during difficult times.

I have found I've turned in on myself.

I struggle to get out and about. I tire easily. Driving is making anxious. I hate being in public, fearing that everyone knows somehow.

I want to sleep but my mind is so active. Suddenly remembering something and wondering 'did that cause it', 'should I have done less of this' or maybe 'was it that thing I ate before I knew I was pregnant'. The cause could be anything; I guess I will never know.

But I am aware it is good to talk and I shouldn't keep myself holed up.

I messaged a lot of people to let them know the sad news.
I would be doing something and remember I should tell this person or that.
Nothing ever came to my mind all at once, it was little dribs and drabs. Like a fog lifting and being able to piece things together bit by bit.

People have been so kind.
I guess I was worried they might brush over this thinking it wasn't really anything significant or that I was ruining their day somehow by me telling the unfortunate outcome of my longed for pregnancy.

My immediate family have been there to support me. Bringing me cake or offering to sit with me.
My parents have been regular visitors to keep me busy.
The in-laws have been really good too in checking up on me and seeing what I have done that day.

The second week after my miscarriage, Caz had returned to work to try and find some normality, my parents had builders around fitting a bay window and my in-laws were away in France.
I was a bit anxious as it was the first time I had been left with just my thoughts for company.

I had received a few offers of people to come over just to chat, give me a hug or offers of meeting up for coffee.
In a way, I didn't want to see people. I knew I would break down.
I am able to talk about the miscarriage in passing. But it is when you focus in on it and then people are kind when they say something that really strikes a chord with you and makes sense with exactly how you are feeling.
I previously found, when I had been suffering from anxiety attacks, that when people were able to empathise with me that I felt understood and that in turn let my guard down and the flood gates to open.

But deep down, I knew it would be good for me. It would be difficult but in the long run, it would do the world of good.

One of my friends from work had been messaging me quite often.
It turns out miscarriage is more common than you realise. It afflicts 20 to 25% of people.
You feel you are very much alone in the battle and that no one else could possibly understand.
Miscarriage never enters normal conversation.
But I have discovered a few people who had had miscarriages that I was never aware of.
It is like a taboo, that you aren't meant to mention. But I really feel I want to tell the world about Jesse and how much they were loved and will forever be a part of our family.

I decided to try and meet up with one of my friends from work.
She had been messaging me saying she was thinking of me and that I didn't have to feel the need to reply, she just wanted me to know I had been in her thoughts and she had been worried about me.
It felt right to reach out to her ask if she would be free for coffee the next afternoon.
She was available and we met at a central location.

I chose to meet at a place I was familiar with - the Pavillion in Llanfairfechan.
(Llanfairfechan pictured below)

I used to live nearby and so was quite comfortable with the cafe there. It is right on the promenade looking out to sea where you can see some beautiful views, including back towards where I live now on Anglesey.
The sun was shining but it was really quite windy.
When I arrived she was outside, sitting at a table in the sun.
I parked up and walked over.
There were lots of comforting hugs and mutual tears over the loss.
She had brought along a lovely, colourful bunch of flowers for me. I knew this would add a little bit of colour back into my life during this greyed out time.

We went inside and ordered milky coffees, my first caffeine drink since being pregnant. I also spotted a lemon meringue in the chilled cabinet and my friend fancied a toasted teacake.

I felt a little awkward and uncertain at first.
Do you dwell on what has happened, but you don't want to set each other off with crying?
But the conversation was easy.
We talked about Jesse, work, holidays, anniversaries and everything else in between.
Quite quickly the time passed and we had been there for almost 2 hours.

I've now bitten the bullet and arranged to meet up with a lovely lady who runs the animal sanctuary I used to volunteer at.
Chatting with her was always easy. She has been through quite a lot in her life and experienced many things and welcomed me into her family. I have even had a drawing from her Grandson!
Seeing the animals too and catching up with that has been going on in the sanctuary since my pregnancy will be really therapeutic too.
Animals always understand, don't they? They know when to be gentle and give you company and know when to be boisterous and a bit of a laugh.
I will enjoy seeing the rabbits awaiting new homes and the owls recuperating from illness and injury.

Now, I need to build up the strength to announce the loss of Jesse to the world. It isn't that I am ashamed, in reality, I want to shout about Jesse from the rooftops. But it is more how do you find the right words and the right time?